by Kelli Walker
“Can you feel it?” he asks, suddenly, and I furrow my brow.
“What do you mean?”
“The baby,” he explains. “Can you...can you feel it in there?”
“No, not yet,” I reply. “If it hadn’t been for the hospital, I wouldn’t have known that I was pregnant at all.”
“Strange,” he murmurs, and I nod.
“Yeah, it’s weird to think that all of that could be happening, and I wouldn’t even know about it,” I reply. He grimaces and then nods.
“Yeah, tell me about it,” he mutters, and I know that he was making reference to what he found out about Lux and me when he arrived at the hospital. I know that he is holding back on tearing into me about it since I am pregnant, but I can only imagine everything that he had been saying to Lux in my absence. Maybe that was the reason that Lux has been avoiding me for the time being.
I would be lying if I said that it doesn’t hurt. Knowing that Lux is out there, that he wants all that love from me, that he seemed willing to give me the same in return, and then he just drops out of my life like that when things took a turn for the serious. If he really loves me, he would be there through all of this. I wish that he could come along to my check-ups. I want to see the look on his face when we hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
But, until he mans up and decides that he’s ready to handle all of that stuff, I’m going to have to accept that I’ll be doing it all by myself. I know that it’s a lot for anyone to take on, but I thought that Lux could handle it. If there’s one thing that I always credited him with, it is being sure that there is nothing that the world can throw at him that he can’t handle like a champ.
But hey. Sometimes, you have to change your opinion of people. And, even if he doesn’t want to be part of my life now, he has still given me one of the greatest gifts that he possibly could have. And I know at least that he has some good genes to pass down to the baby: he's handsome, he’s strong, healthy, intelligent, ambitious...
And I still miss him like crazy. I sigh as I lean back in the seat and try my best not to let my rushing thoughts get the better of me. I’m meant to be resting. I’m meant to be healing. But I can’t do that when there is only one person on my mind, only one person that I am hoping will reach out to me and make everything right once more. I have no idea what I need to do to fix this. I have no idea what I need to do to get him back, but I can feel that burning absence deep down in my gut, a reminder that I am missing something, someone who should be a part of my life.
I love him. I love him, and there is no point denying how much I love him. I wish that I could be with him right now, I wish that I could pull him into my arms and whisper in his ear and tell him everything that he had told me when we were back in the hospital together. I wish that I could tell him that carrying his child is the greatest thing that I have ever done with my life, and knowing that I will be making the beginning of a family with him is the finest thing that I have ever felt. It makes me feel connected to everything around me, to the world, to this life, to my own family, and I don’t want to lose sight of that.
But I can’t make him feel the same way that I do. I can only accept what he believes. I don’t know when I will get to see him again—hell, if I will see him again, given how protective Gavin has been over me since the attack. But I know that when I do, I have so much to tell him about the way that I feel now. So much to share.
“Something on your mind?” Mom asks, as she appears in the doorway with a cup of tea, which she places carefully on the small table next to my chair. I shake my head.
“Nothing interesting,” I reply, and she cocks her head at me. She always seems to know when something is bothering me, even when I want to keep it under wraps.
“Are you sure?” she asks, and I nod. I don’t want to worry her. God knows, I have done enough of that lately. The least she deserves is a break from worrying that I am about to get myself in even more trouble, all over again.
“I’m sure,” I reply, and she smooths my hair and smiles at me, and then turns to head back to whatever she was doing before she came to take care of me. And, in the other room, I can hear the steady drip-drip-drip of the leak in the roof. A reminder of just why all of this started in the first place. And that we are still a hell of a long way off from fixing all the issues that we had back then.
Lux
I glance out of my office to make sure that the bar isn’t too busy, and when I’m confident that he has the time to spare, I gesture to Gavin to come and join me in my office.
He ignores me at first, and I don’t blame him. It’s not like the two of us have had a big sit-down chat since everything that happened at the hospital. If I had been him, I think that I would have probably set The Last Call on fire and never looked back. Maybe that’s what I deserve. Maybe that’s what I walked into by hooking up with the one woman he always told me was totally off-limits.
But I have a Hail Mary. A last longshot to try and convince him that there is something real between Vanessa and me. I have no idea if he’s going to buy it or not. But it’s the truth, and I am not willing to spend another second away from his sister just to try and please his ridiculous ego.
I pat my pocket, making sure that the box is actually there, and I call his name, making sure that he can hear me.
“Gavin!” I yell, and he finally turns his attention to me begrudgingly, as though I am the last person on earth that he wishes to see right now. I jerk my head towards the office, and he throws down the towel that he was drying off the counter with and storms over to see me.
As soon as he is through the door, he slams it behind him and jabs the air in front of my chest angrily.
“If you think that you can just get me in here and convince me to forget everything that you’ve done to my sister,” he growls at me. “You’ve got another think coming. I can’t believe that you would go back on what we agreed like that!”
“You need to stop,” I tell him bluntly, and he stops in his tracks for a moment, apparently so shocked that he has no idea what to say to that. I expect that he imagined I would get down on my knees and beg him for forgiveness, but I’m not willing to play that game any longer. I have loved his sister for a long time now, and I am going to be with her, no matter what. Nothing is going to stop me, least of all him, and I am just giving him the chance to get on board with that before I change our lives forever.
“What are you talking about?” he demands. He sounds pissed, but I expected that. He’s hardly going to be delighted that I have put the moves on his sister behind his back. But I just need to convince him that there is far more to what we have than just that. Far more passion, far more of a past, and, hopefully, far more of a future.
“I’m telling you that you need to stop,” I continue. “Vanessa’s a grown woman, Gavin. She was always going to find someone. And whatever happened, you were always going to have this reaction. You’re just glad that you’ve got a reason to be pissed about it because it was me, but you would have thrown this fit no matter who she chose to be with, and you know it.”
He opens his mouth, as though to protest, but I am not finished speaking yet. I lift a hand, and he stops in his tracks. Good to know that I still have some authority over him, even if he’s still pissed as hell at me for what happened between Vanessa and me.
“But I’m not just doing this because I think she’s hot,” I go on, and he winces. He's clearly not used to hearing people talking about his sister in that way, and honestly, I can’t say that I blame him. But he has to stick this out and listen to me, because we have a lot to work out here, and I’m not going to let my relationship with Vanessa suffer in the meantime.
It has been nearly a week since I saw her last, mostly because I know that Gavin would chase me away from the house if he’d caught me anywhere close to it. However, that has given me plenty of time to think about what comes next, what I want, and where I want to go with her.
I have come to one conclusi
on. I love her. I love her like crazy. And nothing is going to change that. I want to be with her, I want to share a future with her, I want to spend my life with her. I want to raise our baby together, and I want to be next to her to enjoy every moment of that with her. I know that it means accepting something that I could never have believed I could be a part of, but that is all that I want. That’s all that I need.
I know that somewhere my father is looking down on me and smiling. I lost him, that’s what brought me back to this town in the first place. It was the certainty that I would never have a family like the one that I had known before. But perhaps I could live with that. Perhaps there is something to be said for moving on from what we have known in the past. Maybe it’s the future that we should be focused on, and maybe the family of my future is the very one that is waiting for me right now.
“I’m doing this because I’m in love with her,” I tell him, and he narrows his eyes at me.
“And if you love her, where have you been the last few days?” he demands. “You’ve left her all by herself. You haven’t taken care of her at all. If you really cared for her…”
“I was waiting to take to you first, because I knew that if I turned up at the house, you would chase me out with a damn shotgun,” I remind him. “You really think I was going to stress her out like that? She’s pregnant, dude. I’m not going to let her deal with your drama right now.”
“It’s not drama,” he mutters, but I think he is starting to accept that I might actually be right about all of this. I smile at him.
“It’s not,” I agree, and I reach over to him and plant a hand on his shoulder. “I know you, man. I know the way you are.”
He glares at me for a moment, but then, his shoulders sag, and I know that I am starting to get through to him. He wants to keep up this attitude, this role like he’s the one in charge in his family, but he needs to accept that since he has been away, things have changed. Vanessa has stepped up to take care of herself now and to take care of her mother. She is the one who runs her life, and he doesn’t get a say in that any longer.
“I know you do,” he mutters, and he looks up at me. “You’re not going to hurt her, are you?”
“Never,” I promise him fervently, and I mean it. I know that I will do anything to make sure that she never winds up suffering. She has already been through enough as it is, and I want to prove to her that life can be sweet—that life can be everything that she deserves it to be. I know she has struggled for a long time, but that’s all going to come to an end now. At least, as far as I can make it.
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually,” I begin, and I reach into my pocket to pull out the small box that I had purchased a few days before. I had made the decision to actually propose late one night. I had driven around until morning until I found a place that was open. The ring I have picked out for her is perfect, and I know that it’s going to look gorgeous on her finger, glistening gold, the same color as her hair.
If she says yes, of course. But, with Gavin’s help, I am sure that I can convince her. I know that she believed me when I shared all those declarations of love for her in the hospital. All that it is going to take now is a little conviction on my part to prove to her that I really mean everything that I am saying right now.
I pop the ring box open, and Gavin’s jaw drops.
“Is that...?”
“Yes, it is,” I reply. “I want to propose to her, Gavin. And I wanted you to be the first to know.”
“What, you asking my permission?” he asks, puffing his chest up proudly. I laugh and shake my head.
“No, sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m not,” I reply. “I’m checking in with you first because I knew that you would cause a scene if you didn’t know about it.”
He laughs and shakes his head, conceding the point. I am glad that he seems to have cooled off a little since the hospital. I know that I did something I shouldn’t have done, but hopefully, he will begin to see now that I am serious about this. It’s not just sex for me, and it has never been. She’s more than that. She’s something more precious than I ever thought I would be allowed to lay claim to in my life, and I am not going to let anything turn me away from proving that to her.
“When are you going to do it?” he asks, and I shake my head.
“I’m not sure yet,” I reply. “I have a plan...do you think you could help me? Throw her off the scent a little, get her out of the house? Maybe talk to your mom about it so that I can set something up there while she’s out...”
“I’ll do anything I can,” he promises me, and he grasps my shoulder and looks me dead in the eye. “You just have to promise me that you’re not going to do anything to hurt my sister, you understand?”
“I promise,” I reply, and I meet his gaze steadily, letting him know that I mean this. And he claps his hands together, apparently satisfied with what I have shared with him.
“Well, I guess that we should get down to planning, then, shouldn’t we?” he remarks, and I grin.
“Thank you for supporting me on this one, buddy,” I tell him.
“If it makes both of you happy, I think I’d be an asshole not to.”
“But then, you’re a total asshole, right?” I tease him, and he punches me on the arm. I know that I have finally gotten through to him. It might not have been the way that I expected, but it’s something, and I will take that right now. I will take anything if it means that he will let me propose to his sister without anything getting in the way.
“Always will be,” he replies. “Going to be a total asshole of an uncle to your baby, too, you know.”
“I look forward to it,” I agree, and I can hardly keep the smile off my face as we both head back to the bar for a drink to celebrate our new-found agreement. Before I know it, we are spending the rest of the evening together, figuring out exactly how we’re going to put together the most perfect proposal for the most important woman in both of our lives.
Vanessa
“Why are you walking so slowly?” I tease my mother, as we make our way down the street and back towards the house. She shrugs, slowing her pace even more, to the point where she is barely putting one foot in front of the other.
“I’m just getting old, I suppose,” she replies. “And beaten-down.”
“You’re telling me that this is just how everyone your age walks?” I laugh at her, and she nods, planting a hand on her head as though she can barely keep herself upright.
“We all have our struggles, darling,” she tells me.
“Yeah, but this is a little overboard,” I laugh. “I’m the pregnant one, aren’t I the one who’s meant to be making a big deal over every little thing?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, honey, I’m the one who gets to be loud and demand all the attention,” she replies, and she picks up the pace again as we turn on to our street.
I am not sure why she insisted on coming out this evening. She made sure that I had no choice but to turn out with her and keep her company as she headed over to the diner for some dinner. I had tried to tell her that we couldn’t really afford to go out to eat, but when we got there, they let us know that it was all paid for in advance. I wasn’t sure who did it, or why they seemed to have gone out of their way to do something so thoughtful, but I had an idea.
And now, as we are heading home, I feel this tingle in the soles of my feet. I know that something is going to happen tonight, and I know that it is going to be something good. Something that I need. Something that is going to change everything. Something that will make my life feel as though it is full and happy and...
I know that my family has been hiding something from me recently, but I’m not quite sure what it is. Gavin has been in a good mood for the last few days, and I am sure that it has something to do with his job, which means it has something to do with Lux. Which means...
And then, as we turn the final corner on to the front lawn of our house, I see him standing there. And my jaw
drops.
Because it is him. I haven’t seen him in what feels like a lifetime. The sight of him there in front of me is almost enough to make my head spin. He is dressed in a beautiful tuxedo, and surrounding him are a dozen or more lanterns, lighting up the soft darkness of the night, casting a perfect golden glow over everything around us.
“Lux?” I whisper. I am not sure if it can really be him. I feel like I have been waiting for him for so long, calling out his name into the universe for such a long time that I have no right to be looking at him right now.
He steps towards me and reaches out for my hands; I give them to him at once, and he squeezes them tight.
“It’s me,” he tells me, and I glance over my shoulder at my mom, but she is already gone, giving the two of us the privacy that we need right now. I bet Gavin had something to do with this, too. It's hard to imagine him getting involved in something so soppy and romantic, but maybe since it’s me, he made an exception.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him as I search for the words to tell him everything that I have been thinking about him since the last time that I saw him. How much I have missed him, how many times I have prayed that I will find some way to see him again, how I have longed for the feeling of his arms wrapped tight around me and holding me close.
“I needed to see you,” he explains. “There’s something I need to ask you.”
My heart flipflops inside my chest. Is he going to ask me...?
“Vanessa, I know that none of this has exactly been what anyone would call conventional,” he begins. He chuckles to himself for a moment, as though he is running through everything that has brought us to this moment in his head. I giggle, too.
“You can say that again,” I agree.
“And I never would have thought, when I first saw you again, that I would feel the way that I do about you now,” he goes on. “But I can see now that everything was leading to this. I might not have been able to see it before—hell, if I could go back in time and tell myself that I would even be thinking about doing this, then I would have said that I was crazy...”
