by Bowes, K T
Sophia nodded and wrinkled her nose. “So, where’d you go?”
“I’ll tell you later. Did you bring your car?”
Sophia shook her head. “No. Edgar’s on a one-man mission to tidy our place and started screaming at me to move my study papers off the bedroom floor. I slammed out without my keys and didn’t want to lose face by going back for them. I walked.” She winced. “It means I don’t have a key to the house either. I can’t get in until he’s home.”
“All good.” Dane looked pleased, his lips turning upwards at the corners and his eyes twinkling. “Wanna come and see Will and Maisie with me? I’m picking them up from school and don’t need to take them home until after six. I thought we’d go to Hamilton Gardens and get an ice cream. Fancy it?”
“Yes, please.” Sophia nodded with enthusiasm at the thought of Dane’s younger siblings. She fought to dispel the memory of their tiny ashen faces the night Dane crashed into her world, liberating them from a drug fuelled home and forced to hand them over to Child Youth and Family Services. Declan’s inability to play rugby with Callister nearby smacked of her own feelings for Dane. Adults scoffed at teenagers in love, making them resist the word for fear of humiliation. Sophia reached up and touched his cheek, feeling the bristles where his dark hair rebelled and pushed through the soft skin around lunchtime each day. “Dane, I need to say something.”
“What?” The mischief died in his eyes and anxiety replaced it.
“I really love you.” Sophia swallowed. “Whatever happens, I’m not leaving here.”
Dane’s face softened and he caught her around the waist, linking his fingers and lifting her off her feet. His lips caressed hers and her stomach flipped as the tip of his tongue slipped into her mouth. Heat flared between them like the after burn of a flame thrower and he cleared his throat and slid her down his body until her feet touched the dusty concrete. “I’m glad,” he said, his voice husky. “Because I’m not letting you go.”
Sophia nodded, believing him. “You’ve got a plan?”
“Course I’ve got a plan.” He stroked the backs of his fingers down her cheek.
“What is it?” Hope burgeoned in Sophia’s heart and her eyes sought confirmation in the firm set of Dane’s jaw and determined look in his eyes.
“Tell ya later.” He gave her a hurried last kiss and unlocked the door, pulling it open and putting his head outside. “Come on, quick,” he hissed and yanked her after him. Sophia panicked at the sight of a security camera pointed right at her face.
“The camera saw us go in there.” Colour faded from her cheeks and she froze in position like a deer in headlights.
“It doesn’t work.” Dane sounded dismissive and used the gentle pressure of his fingers in her back to propel her forward.
“They all do! You’re lying.” She twirled full circle to escape his touch and Dane laughed, the sound containing sadness at its root.
“I never lie, Soph. You should know that by now. And some of them don’t work. After what happened the school paid for the system but couldn’t afford the service agreement with the alarm company who installed it. That one and four others crapped out within the first year and they’re waiting to be fixed.”
“After what happened? Just say it, Dane. After your cousin stabbed me.” She stopped and Dane halted alongside, cocking his head and moving in front of her like a barricade.
“Sophia, stop!” His impatience cut her. “Don’t go back over all the crap that’s happened to you, especially not when you’ve dealt with it. It gets you nowhere and I should know.”
Her gaze dropped to the floor in shame and Dane’s rebuke silenced her. Tugging on her wrist, he towed her to their next class, stopping just outside. “Did you bring your laptop today?” he asked.
Sophia narrowed her eyes. “You know I did; you saw me use the printer.”
“Give it here.” Dane held his hand out.
Sophia shook her head. “Why?”
“Just give it here.” Dane waggled his fingers and then kissed her with a grin which disappeared as they passed though the doorway into the lesson.
“Sit! You’re late!” the teacher snapped and they mumbled apologies and slumped into seats near Calli. She shot Sophia a look containing a raised eyebrow and others in the class stared at them, searching for evidence of a locker room fumble. Mortified, Sophia got her books out and tried to concentrate.
A whole, painful Shakespearean sonnet later and the bell rang, releasing the herd back into the wild. “Not so fast,” the teacher demanded, halting Dane and Sophia with his outstretched arm as everyone else filed out. “I won’t ask why you were late, but in future, shag in your own time!” Sophia’s eyes widened in horror and the teacher shook his head and raised a hand in irritation. “Don’t bother, Miss Armitage, or you’ll spend Saturday morning in detention instead of just supervising one.”
He blasted from the room leaving Sophia shocked and Dane standing as though just a casual observer of a dreadful train wreck. “That guy makes me wanna start smoking again,” he commented, a half smirk forming on his lips.
“That’s so helpful!” Sophia snapped. “Especially as it’s your fault.”
Dane shrugged and walked from the room ahead of her, leaving Sophia to fume in his wake. She admired the way his neat backside fitted in his trousers and forced down the urge to see what he looked like without them. The idea of his hairy chest worked its way back into her brain and by the time they reached his car, flustered desire took the place of anger and left her just as rattled.
“Here.” Dane took her school bag and chucked it into the boot of his old car, cursing as text books spewed out over the spare tyre. He added her laptop to the pile and watched the stiffness of her spine and fixed look on her face with amusement. “You still mad?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“I haven’t decided yet,” she replied. “Just drive.”
Dane took a roundabout in Flagstaff almost on two wheels, glancing sideways at Sophia as he brought the vehicle back under control. She stared through the window and made no comment and her stubbornness left a smile on his lips. She sat in the passenger seat like a manikin and as he waited at the traffic lights between River Road and Wairere Drive, he reached across and laid his hand on her knee. When she still didn’t react he pushed her skirt back with his palm and let his hand slide higher.
The slap wasn’t unexpected but drew a guttural laugh from his chest. “You’re very annoying!” Sophia grumbled and her glare would have melted snow. Dane smiled and turned his hand over, waiting to feel the softness of her fingers as she pushed him away but instead, Sophia’s hand fitted into his palm and stayed there. She watched his mood sober and sorrow filled the gap left by the fading anger.
“Wait here,” Dane told her outside the primary school, parking away from the other vehicles. Parents fed their children into their cars like they pushed vegetable peel down the waste disposal, with the same degree of commotion and mess. Within moments the street returned to its normal suburban quiet and only Dane’s car remained. Sophia stilled the knot of anxiety in the pit of her stomach and waited for Dane’s tiny brother and sister to emerge from the old school building, feeling her heart skip at the sight of their fragile bodies bouncing up and down next to Dane’s. She waited until they crossed the road and then sprang from the passenger seat, enveloping the children in her arms. Will clung to her thigh and Maisie burst into tears.
“I wanted to see you so much,” the little girl wailed and Will’s bottom lip wobbled too.
“Me an’ all,” he huffed, his chest hitching as he struggled to control his emotions. Dane lifted the little boy onto his hip and the child snuggled in, resting his cheek against his brother’s broad chest and reaching out to touch Sophia’s curls. Maisie wiped her eyes on the bottom of Sophia’s skirt and gave a sniff which seemed to originate beyond her sinuses.
“What an emotional bunch of losers,” Dane joked, kissing the top of Will’s downy head. “Maybe they
don’t want to go to the gardens and eat ice cream. What do you think, Soph?”
She smiled and cradled Maisie’s chin in her hand, stroking the back of the child’s head with the other. Her heart broke at the children’s simplicity and envied Dane their permanent hero worship.
“I wanna go gardens.” Will spoke into the front of Dane’s shirt without moving his lips and Maisie sniffed again and used the back of her sleeve.
“Get in then.” Dane put Will on the ground and opened the door so he could clamber up, seating himself on a battered booster seat behind the driver. Maisie copied and the teenagers belted them in.
Sophia closed Maisie’s door and her eyes met Dane’s over the roof of the car. “What’s up?” he asked her and she shook her head, unable to explain herself. She inhaled and swallowed, turning her face away while she collected her many and varied emotions, knowing it was the sight of real, unconditional love which had her trailing her guts like an unravelled pullover.
The children remained silent in the car and stayed close at the gardens, holding hands with the teens or each other. “Their little hearts are always heavy,” Sophia remarked, watching Will try to steer Maisie towards the English rose garden while the girl looked behind with anxious eyes.
“It’s fine, Maisie,” Dane called, jerking his head towards the entrance. “We’re right behind you. You can run on the grass but don’t go near the pond.”
She nodded and allowed Will to tow her along, looking back over her shoulder every few steps. Dane reached out and dragged Sophia into his side, her shoulder bumping against his ribs. “It’s impossible to leave some things behind,” he commented, kissing the side of her face. “When these kids find safety they’ll stick to it like glue. They’ve already learned that food, a warm place to put their head and a degree of security are fundamental to their survival. They’ll never take it for granted, not as long as they live.”
“Don’t they feel that way with their foster parents?” Sophia asked, keeping her voice low, so the children didn’t hear.
Dane nodded. “Yeah. They love Carl and Maria.” He smiled at Maisie as she stared backwards again, her eyes searching for him. She tripped over Will’s heel and almost pushed him over. “Keep going, baby,” Dane called. “It’s around the next hedge.” He leaned down and pulled Sophia closer, whispering into her hair. “Carl and Maria aren’t here though, are they? So they fix on the next safe person which is me. Outside of that is a big fat nothing and to them, it’s worse than death.”
Sophia nodded and fixed her arms around his waist. “I kinda get that. Matt left and then Mum. Now Edgar’s going too and I have this tight knot in my chest all the time and a voice in my head says, who’s next?”
Dane nodded and ran his fingers over Sophia’s as they gripped the bottom of his shirt. “I know,” he said and she sighed, knowing he did.
The children chattered as they ate in the cafe, licking ice cream from fingers and the backs of their hands and keeping a watchful eye on everyone around them. Stunning to look at, they seemed happier to disappear into the background, avoiding attention and adopting a greyness which showed the psychological damage their upbringing inflicted on their fragile psyches. Some unnamed, delicate pin in Sophia’s soul snapped and anger flooded over the wreckage.
The little kids ran around the turtle shaped lake but only as far from Dane and Sophia as they dared. The blackness of injustice spilled from Sophia’s lips as she held hands with Dane and strolled behind the tiny running feet. “Whoever said children bounce back was a liar,” she spat. “It’s not true. They don’t bounce. They shatter into a million pieces and spend the rest of their lives recreating themselves like a blind man doing a jigsaw puzzle by touch. I can’t stand it!”
Dane’s sad expression only made it worse. “They’re becoming grey men,” he said, his voice cracking. “Learning to be invisible to praise or criticism. Carl and Maria do their best but they’re foster carers, not parents. My mother won’t allow them to adopt so it’s only a matter of time before Maisie and Will get put into a children’s home. I can’t blame Carl and Maria; they want kids of their own who they can invest in and watch grow up, not two damaged little buggers who grew up with an addict mother and a crazy father who manufactured pseudoephedrine next to their cornflakes. Mum’ll get out of rehab all clean and reformed and want them back and the state will hand them over. Bitch!” Dane spat in a flower bed and then closed his eyes, turning his face to the heavens.
“But she might stay clean this time,” Sophia urged, running a hand across his abdominal muscles. “With your stepfather dead, she might make it.”
Dane’s sarcastic snort dismissed the pipe dream. “No, she won’t, Soph. My mum went into rehab after her sadistic husband died and she’s been in and out twice since. She’s only seen the little kids four times in the last year but the second she demands them back; the state will hand them over. She’ll piss away this chance just like all the others and those poor kids will be the losers. They’ll become even more screwed up and if I’m really unlucky, addicted just like her. It breaks my heart.” He watched Will run around a rectangular monument and his breath shuddered from his lungs. “I have this image of Will laying on a filthy floor with his face shoved in a bong and Maisie with needle tracks up her arms.” His grip on Sophia’s hand began to crush the bones together. Dane spoke through gritted teeth. “I don’t know what to do.”
Sophia moved to just below his face and stood on tiptoes to kiss the underside of his chin. “I do.”
Dane looked down, his eyes searching for the golden bullet he knew didn’t exist. “What?”
Sophia lay her cheek against his school shirt, inhaling body heat and male deodorant, her heart swelling and her mind clear. “Let me finish school and then I’ll marry you. The state can stick it up their ass then. We’ll be eighteen and Maisie and Will can be ours.”
Dane’s jaw dropped in surprise and Sophia saw the tiny chip in his front tooth which she loved. “But what about university and stuff?” he asked, brow knitted and confusion in his eyes.
Sophia shrugged. “I can still do it,” she replied, turning to face the children. Will clambered over the concrete turtle sculpture and Maisie pulled on his ankle to get him down, glancing back at the teenagers with a look of angst on her heart-shaped face. “I can fit lectures around the children and do the less flexible papers online. Other women do it all the time.” She looked back at Dane with serenity in her face and held out her hand. “Give me my phone back and I can check it out properly.”
Chapter 13
The Secret
Dane stayed silent as they loaded the children back into his car. His hand tapped on the steering wheel and he looked at Sophia sideways. “Did you say that just to get your phone back?”
“As if.” Sophia frowned in annoyance and tossed her head. “I want to check the local university site to see if it’s possible. It must be. Lots of older women go back to study every year. They have children too.”
Dane looked conflicted, his eyes dark and unreadable and doubt making a vein tick in his neck. “But if I give you back your phone, you’ll go straight into Facebook and check Edgar’s messages.”
Sophia nodded. “You’re probably right; it’ll be hard to resist.” She held out her hand. “Give me yours instead.”
“It’s in the glove box.” Dane started the engine and checked on his passengers. “Hold on tight, guys; taxiing for take-off.”
The children giggled and held onto their seat belts as the old car lumbered up the long hill from the gardens, backfiring loud enough to make a few dog walkers jump in fright. Sophia dreaded handing the children back to Carl and Maria but they seemed resigned to their uncertain fate and kissed her and Dane goodbye. Maisie’s silent tears broke Sophia’s heart and revived the awful sense of injustice.
“You coming in?” Carl offered and Dane shook his head.
“No thanks, man. It makes it worse; I’ve tried that.” They shook hands and Dane restarted
the engine and backed out of the driveway. Sophia watched Maisie’s forlorn face pressed against the living room window, waving to her but getting nothing in return.
“I wondered why you only saw them once a week,” Sophia said, watching the Dinsdale houses spin by. “Now I know.”
Dane nodded. “And I can’t see them on the same day two weeks in a row. Otherwise they get it fixed in their minds and the disappointment when I’m not there is hideous.”
“Did they know you’d be there today?” Sophia asked and Dane shook his head.
“No. I sort it out with Maria and surprise them. Then if I can’t make it they don’t suffer.”
“Like when you got that detention for not handing in your homework a few months ago?” Sophia remembered Dane’s exaggerated sense of rage and the way he’d punched his locker door so hard the metal dented. He nodded and cursed the teacher’s name who handed him the discipline slip with a deranged sense of victory in his eyes. Dane’s fury turned an after school litter detention into a Saturday morning dean’s. Another of those and he’d be suspended.
Sophia stretched her hand across and laid it on his thigh, the tautness of the muscle giving away his agitation. “It’ll be okay,” she promised. “I don’t know how but it will.”
She kept her head down on the drive home, searching the internet through Dane’s old phone for university papers and coming up with a few workable courses online. When the data ran out, she looked up and found they were back at Hamilton Gardens. “Aren’t you taking me home?” she asked in surprise and he shook his head.
“We need to talk.” His serious tone made her panic.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She pushed the phone back into his lap and covered her face. “I’m such an idiot. You might not want to marry me. I’ve made assumptions, wrong assumptions and I don’t even know if you want to get married.” She burbled like a fool, even more unnerved by Dane’s silence and spurred into ridiculous ramblings which made little sense. The click of the driver’s door closing filled her heart with dread and she shut her eyes so tightly it hurt. The door next to her opened and she almost fell out into the gravel.
