But Notmie didn’t care what Captain Alex said, he knew he needed a window seat and he needed it fast.
“Pst, Sue Ann,” Notmie said, hoping he might make it to the other window seat. “Hey, do you think I could switch you seats so that I can sit next to the window?”
For a moment, Notmie was sure he was about to get an easy yes out of her, but before she spoke, something seemed to come over her face, changing it from the innocent willingness of a child to the scrunched sideways glance of a carny.
“Whatcha gonna gimme if I say yes?” she asked as she crossed her arms.
“Well, you’ll get to have a seat next to Captain Alex. That’s pretty good, isn’t it?”
“’Bout as good as havin’ Bonnie sit on yer lap. I know ya can gimme something better’n that.”
By this time, Notmie was feeling extremely nauseous and was desperate for a window seat.
“See this shirt?” he asked, “these are real diamonds, and you can have one if you just switch me seats!”
“Ooo, real diamonds? Ya got yerself a deal, mister!”
It was awkward, to say the least, as Notmie first tried climbing over Sue Ann, then tried having Sue Ann climb over him in their attempt to switch seats.
“What in tha devil’s name’s goin’ on back there?” Mae asked.
“I can’t see out tha back window!” Hal yelled.
“Notmie said he’d gimme a real fortified diamond if I’d switch him seats!” Sue Ann explained.
“Now, Honey,” began Mae, “ya should know dern well that Mister Notmie doesn’t have a real fortified diamond to give ya.”
“Well, actually I do,” said Notmie as he continued trying to climb into the window seat.
Captain Alex, upon hearing Notmie make his large amount of diamonds known to the entire car, nudged Notmie hard in the bottom. Notmie fell clumsily forward, ending up with his head hanging out of the open window.
“A diamond, eh?” said Mae, sneaking a meaningful glance to her husband. “How big would ya say this diamond is?”
Notmie caught his balance and pulled his head back inside the car. Wiggling himself into a comfortable position in his new seat, he replied, “Oh, it’s a pretty fair size, and actually it’s not just one; I have numerous diamonds with me right now, so giving just one to your daughter is no problem. I guess you could say I have diamonds to spare! Ha! Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds. Lots to go around! Of course, I wouldn’t want to go around telling just anyone about all the diamonds I have with me. You never know what some people will do to get at something as valuable as a diamond. I’m actually very fond of them myself, why, one day—ouch!”
Captain Alex had reached behind the children to smack Notmie in the back of the head while shooting him a particularly mean glance. Mae was just about to ask Notmie if the diamonds he was referring to were the ones on his shirt spelling Fraud and Hal was just about to ask Notmie to move his fat head out of the way so that he could see out of his back window, when all at once they heard that dreaded noise.
The cop took his time getting out of the patrol car.
“Umm, excuse me, Hal, but shouldn’t you hide this schnapps?” The Captain asked hesitantly, holding up the bottle he’d found halfway tucked into the pocket on the back of the seat in front of him. “It’s an open container, you see, and in the state of Texas, that’s illegal to drive with.”
“Ya judgin’ me?” Hal demanded, whipping around in his seat to give Captain Alex the appropriate glare. “Ya got a problem with my booze?”
“No, sir. What I mean to say is that I don’t have a problem with it, but I think Mr. Po-Po will. For some reason—and I honestly can’t figure out why—every cop I’ve ever met is always very weird about illegal activities.” Captain Alex shrugged his shoulders and chuckled nervously. “They’re always like ‘you’re under arrest for this’ or ‘please step out of the car for that.’ They’re really no fun if you ask me, but that’s just how they are. What can you do, right?” Captain Alex laughed nervously again.
“So, yer saying ya think I should put away tha booze?”
“Well, yeah, basically, I mean, that would be nice…” The Captain was relieved Hal had finally caught on without appearing to become too angry.
“Fine,” Hal said, “hide it.”
Captain Alex stared at the bottle dangling in his hand. And now the police officer was getting out of his car and would soon discover Captain Alex sitting in the back seat with an open container.
Captain Alex leaned forward toward the front seat.“Do you have a top for this?”
“Naw, lost it a few hours ago out the window.”
“I can’t hide it properly without a top!”
“Stop bein’ such a baby and drink it yerself,” Billy spat.
Captain Alex jerked his head around toward the small child. “No way! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I can put it down when I need to, but I can’t drink all of this in the next two seconds! That would just be imposs—”
“Have it yer way.” Billy grabbed the bottle.
Captain Alex turned his head just in time to see the police officer tap on the window. Hal rolled it down and began to lean out, but Notmie stopped him. “I’m terribly sorry about this, Hal and Mae. Since it was probably my fault that we were pulled over, please allow me to handle it.”
Captain Alex kept guard on the officer’s eyes, making sure he didn’t glance over to Billy with the booze bottle. But when he looked at Billy for himself, he saw no bottle in hand.
“Holy sh—” The Captain caught himself, feeling it was best if he watched his language around kids of this age, but knowing that with parents like these, they’d probably heard it all before. “Billy, did you drink—” He couldn’t even finish. The idea was too absurd.
But Billy answered Captain Alex’s half-asked question with a nod and a smile, his eyes crossing slightly as he swayed from side to side in a non-existent breeze that only he could feel.
Good lord, thought Captain Alex, this child won’t live past ten.
Notmie’s voice pulled Captain Alex’s attention away from Billy.
“Good afternoon, officer,” Notmie spoke. He made a point of flashing his pearly whites.
The officer immediately seemed to go into a sort of trance and replied, “Oh, hello there, sir.”
“What can I help you with, officer?” asked Notmie.
The policeman seemed painfully conflicted all of a sudden, and then replied (without ever taking his eyes off of Notmie’s unearthly beautiful face), “I… don’t… know. No matter, it was probably something silly anyways.”
A voice came through over the officer’s walkie-talkie. “Sending back-up your way? Record shows priors, felony warrants, the list goes on. ”
“Ten-four,” replied the officer. “No back-up is needed. Ten–twenty-two. Everything is under control. I must’ve read off the plate wrong.”
And as he asked for forgiveness from Notmie (Notmie assured him forgiveness many times, but the policeman wasn’t convinced), and then began to ask if there was anything he could do to make it up to them (“…would you like a kolache? I have a half dozen in my car that I can get for you…”), the voice on the walkie-talkie could be heard saying, “Nope. No mistake. Plates are still too close, vehicle and approximate location match the description exactly. There could be no mis—”
The officer clicked off the radio and continued asking what he could do to make it up to Notmie. They went back and forth for a while—Notmie insisting he was fine, and the officer insisting he wouldn’t leave until he was satisfied that he had done everything in his power to make up for his blunder. Captain Alex became rather bored and began staring out of the window that looked out into the road. From over the horizon in front of them, Captain Alex could just see a black spec coming toward them. He watched it as it approached and saw that it wasn’t just a car; it was a limo. It came closer and closer, then whizzed by them and continued on.
Was that just my imagination, thought The Captain , or w
as the person driving that vehicle wearing a beret?
“You will be forgiven if you go back to your car and get out of my face!” yelled Notmie to the policeman, who bowed then darted to his car and sped away.
“That was amazing!” Sue Ann yelled. “He listened to yer every word, didn’t he, Pa?”
“He sure did,” said Hal, pulling back onto the road, “how’d ya pull it off, Notmie?”
“Well, it just sort of happens with people. They find my unearthly beauty to be irresistible…. Hey, speaking of which, why don’t you guys bow down to me like that?”
“You ain’t special,” Mae replied. “Sure, ya ain’t the most hideous fella I ever did see, but like I said, ya ain’t special.”
“Oh,” said Notmie, who was feeling quite hurt, “I guess you’re right, I really ain’t special… But what about you, Hal, you don’t think I’m special either?”
“Nope, not one lick,” said Hal, keeping his eyes on the road.
“Well, then what about you, Billy?”
Billy shook his wobbly head before he slumped over in his seat.
“Bonnie? Do you think I’m special?”
Bonnie laughed then shook her head.
“Sue Ann! Surely you must think I’m special!”
“Sure, but only because yer tha guy who owes me a diamond!”
“Don’t worry, child, yer gonna get a diamond before we’re done here,” her mother assured her.
“I don’t like the sound of that, Notmie,” Captain Alex mumbled through gritted teeth.
“Who cares about some stupid diamond?” Sue Ann began. “We’re gonna be able to buy loads of diamonds when we get back home, ain’t we, Ma?”
Whack!
Sue Ann held her face where her mother’s hand had fallen and cried. Captain Alex, who had just barely missed being hit by the swinging hand, stared in shock at the poor child.
“I’m hungry!” whined Bonnie. Notmie thought Bonnie must have a death wish to be complaining when she just saw what her mother did to her sister’s face.
“Hush up, child, we’ll eat soon enough,” Hal said.
“But I want food now!” yelled Bonnie as she began to thrash her legs and arms wildly.
“Stop-tha-car,” spoke Mae, almost in a whisper.
The brakes screeched and everything in the car toppled forward, including Billy.
“Pa! Ya done tumped over everythin’ in tha car!” squealed Sue Ann with delight, suddenly ceasing her crying fit.
“This is tha place,” Mae whispered.
“What place?” Hal asked.
“Ya know damn well what place! It’s the place.” She raised her eyebrows at her husband. A look of comprehension slowly spread over his face. She smiled menacingly before turning to look at the backseat. “Everyone out! We’re gonna have us a nice picnic, and we’re gonna like it!”
They all piled out onto the dried up grass just off the shoulder and sat on a blanket that Hal unloaded from the trunk.
“Here,” said Notmie, “let me help unload the food.”
But what Notmie said didn’t register with Mae or Hal, because before they could tell him no, he had already began moving things around in the trunk as he looked for a cooler. That’s when he spotted the black bags, and that’s when he decided to open the black bags. Looking back on this decision, he admitted to Captain Alex that it wasn’t a good idea, but at the time, it just seemed like the “cool” thing to do. What he found was a bit of a shock.
“Money,” he whispered. Or at least he meant to whisper it, but it came out as more of a holler so that the whole party heard him, and all but one (that being Captain Alex) knew what he was referring to.
Mae and Hal immediately started toward Notmie. Though he immediately knew that he had made a grave mistake, he had no idea how he was going to squirm his way out of it, out here in the middle of nowhere. But just then he heard the sound of freedom, the sound of backup.
The siren turned off as the cop car pulled up right next to Notmie, Hal, and Mae.
But it wasn’t the cop from before.
From inside the squad car Notmie could hear the police officer’s voice quite clearly when she spoke.
“Everyzing is okay; yes, no?”
Captain Alex’s jaw dropped when he heard the voice. “This may be the first time in history that the French show up when they’re needed.”
Hal and Mae immediately changed gears and plastered innocent smiles on their faces at the officer’s arrival.
“Yes, officer. Everythin’ is fine. Nothin’ goin’ on here ‘cept for a picnic,” Mae said politely.
With her back to the sun, it was impossible to tell what the cop looked like, but Captain Alex guessed she looked arrogant.
“I am afraid zat you are wrong, madam,” called the officer from her car, “for whezer you know it or not, you are in danger. Will you please take a step closer to ze car, so I might ’ave a private word wiz you?”
Mae inched forward cautiously until she was right up against the passenger side door and could now see the cop’s face.
The cop spoke to her in a hushed voice.
Notmie strained to hear what was being said, but all he could make out was Mae’s compliance at the end of the conversation:
“Oh, certainly, officer, certainly,” said Mae, sounding relieved.
Notmie watched as the officer opened her door and stepped out of the shadow and onto the stretch of road.
Mae smiled as if she knew the officer.
Notmie allowed himself to breathe a sigh of relief when he was able to see the cop’s face clearly. “Hey, I didn’t know you were a cop!”
“I do not know ’oo you zink I am,” replied the officer coolly. “Now if you please, Mr. Jones and Mr. Job, will you two jent-ul-mon get in ze car?”
Notmie and Captain Alex gladly followed orders, loading themselves into the backseat without further persuasion. Notmie even threw in an, “Aye, aye, Melono!”
The officer jumped in the car and immediately sped away with the two companions.
Once they’d left Mae, Hal, and the rest of the pack safely behind, Captain Alex focused his attention to the policewoman in the front seat.
“So you’re Melono,” he said.
She bounced a grin to him off the rear-view mirror.
“Well, Melono,” The Captain said, relaxing into his seat, “I have to say, that was one of the least convincing performances I’ve ever seen.”
“But at least I got you boys into this car safely,” Melono replied.
The Captain shrugged. “Barely. Our little boy-genius Notmie here almost got us found out.”
Notmie let the gibe roll right off of him. “Where on earth did you come from?” he asked.
“It’s kind of a long story. I’ll need some food first” replied Melono.
“We got time,” said Captain Alex, who had been wondering the same thing but thought it would be too idiotic of a question to ask at this particular moment when Melono happened to be in the middle of ordering them all some food from Sonic (the only fast-food place for miles).
“When the heck did we get here?” Notmie asked, craning his head around in all directions, looking generally disoriented.
“Pay more attention, Notmie, will you?” Captain Alex asked exasperatedly.
After the voice over the speaker asked if they wanted to Sonic-Size their meal, Melono began her story. Then she stopped for a few seconds when she realized she hadn’t finished ordering. Then she finished ordering. Then she began her story again only to realize they hadn’t ordered drinks yet. So, she stopped her story again, ordered two slushes and a root beer before continuing on.
Notmie and Captain Alex listened intently for the most part, though Notmie became distracted when he saw an old, abandoned french fry lying on the ground next to the car and began wondering if the dinosaurs ate really big french fries or if they just ate a lot of little ones to feed their appetite.
Notmie thought about it for quite some time b
efore reaching his conclusion:
I guess there are just some things in life I’ll never know.
Part 11
Informed Informant Information
“The police actually pay their informants pretty well. I get great benefits, too. They cover dental completely!” Melono said.
Notmie spit his half-chewed bite of burger across the car and Captain Alex started to choke on a french fry (which he ordered thinking that if he ate like the French, he would be able to think like the French). They both stared at Melono blankly, but Notmie was the first one to speak.
“Comprehensive dental coverage! No way! I can’t even get that!”
Captain Alex interrupted Notmie. “You idiot, think before you speak. You’re asking the wrong questions. Idiot.”
The Captain then turned to Melono.
“But Melono, I thought this whole cop thing was just a disguise. Are you saying you lied to us?” He sounded like a man betrayed, even though he didn’t really know Melono. At all.
Then she began to do something that confused both Notmie and Captain Alex to a very extreme degree: she began taking off her uniform shirt. She undid the bottom button, then the second from the bottom, then the third…
Notmie and Captain Alex had no clue where to put their eyes. They looked at each other, then at Melono, who was making quite a bit of progress with that unbuttoning, then back at one another. Notmie must have misinterpreted the meaning behind Captain Alex’s look, because he nodded and at once began to take off his Fraud shirt. What the Captain had meant by his stare was to get Notmie’s help in covering the car windows so that none of the cars next to them in the Sonic drive-in would be able to peep at Melono. This was pointless, of course, considering both Notmie and Captain Alex were locked in the back seat of the police car and Melono was in the front, but both males were too busy in their own personal frenzy to notice that the assumed soon-to-be topless Melono was actually wearing her ruby-studded Liar T-shirt under her police uniform and was not in any way undressing herself for either of these two jokers.
As soon as she had shed the top layer of clothing and was donning her Liar shirt, she turned to look in the back seat, only to find Notmie topless and Captain Alex, who had grabbed Notmie’s discarded Fraud shirt, trying to drape it over the windows so that the neighboring cars wouldn’t be able to see in.
The Fraud Page 9
