The Best Thing You Can Steal

by Simon R. Green

  ‘Who can say?’

  ‘At least you’re in the right place,’ I said quickly. ‘Did you have any trouble finding your way here?’

  ‘Of course not; I just used my spiritual sat nav.’ His solemn face gave way to a sudden grin as he took in the look on our faces. ‘The things you people will believe … Look, I know London. I’ve spent most of my death walking up and down in it, getting to know its streets and its secrets. It helps keep me focused. I’m not trapped in Soho; it’s just the nearest thing to a home I have. My preferred haunting ground. I have to say, though, I am pleased, and not a little surprised, that you can all see and hear me.’

  ‘My halos allow me to see anything that might pose a threat,’ said Lex.

  ‘And I stole more than one gift, back in the day,’ said Annie.

  I had to raise an eyebrow at that. ‘You’ve been holding out on me.’

  ‘You haven’t been a part of my life for years,’ she said coldly. ‘I don’t have to tell you everything any more.’

  I let that pass for the moment and smiled around the group.

  ‘Annie Anybody, the Damned, the Wild Card and the Ghost – myths and legends of old London town, brought together to do something none of you could hope to do alone. I take it you have all at least heard of each other?’

  There was a general nodding of heads. Reputations are currency in our line of work.

  ‘But none of you have ever met before, let alone worked the same job together,’ I said. ‘Which is at least partly why I chose you. Hammer doesn’t have the imagination to anticipate a crew like this, so he’ll never see us coming.’

  Lex looked at Annie. ‘Is he always this upbeat?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Annie. ‘Dreadful, isn’t it?’

  Lex shrugged. ‘Makes a change.’

  ‘Right, then! I think we’ve enjoyed as much small talk as we can stand,’ I said brightly. ‘Let us move on to more important matters.’

  Annie and I sat down in the two uncomfortable armchairs. She pulled hers into position beside mine without thinking, as though we were still partners in crime. I hid a smile and didn’t say anything.

  ‘I’m sorry there aren’t any more chairs,’ said Annie. ‘I’m not used to having visitors.’

  ‘Should I get some more from the next room?’ I said.

  ‘There aren’t any more,’ said Annie, not looking at me.

  ‘Not to worry,’ said the Ghost. He lifted his feet a little higher and hovered happily in mid-air. Johnny sat down on an invisible seat, which, from his motions, was now apparently a rocking chair. Lex just folded his arms and leaned against the nearest wall. All of them looked expectantly at me, and I smiled easily back. (Act as if you know what you’re doing, and people will assume that you do.) I was still having trouble believing I’d got everyone I needed for my crew, even if some of them were clearly going to take more careful handling than others. I didn’t let that worry me; the best way to stay in charge is to be the man who knows things.

  ‘It’s time to talk about the heist,’ I said.

  ‘We’ve waited long enough,’ said Annie. ‘No more fine words and pleasantries; we need to know the details.’

  ‘Then you shall have them,’ I said grandly. ‘Not all that long ago, a well-respected Vatican priest and historian announced to a somewhat startled world media that he had created a special television that could show scenes from anywhen in the past. The whole of human history was now available for viewing, just as it happened. He promised that the very next day he would provide a demonstration of his time television, for all the media who cared to show up, showing actual scenes from the life of Jesus Christ.

  ‘Quite a few media representatives turned up the next day, if only out of curiosity, but there was no sign of the device or its priestly inventor. Instead, a stern-faced Vatican spokesman announced that the viewing had been postponed – indefinitely. The priest had been very firmly retired and sent into strict seclusion. The general feeling among the world’s media was that the priest had suffered some kind of mental breakdown and the marvellous time television had never actually existed.

  ‘But it did. The powers-that-be in the Vatican had decided that unrestricted access to the life of Christ was simply too dangerous to be shared with the masses. The Church was in the business of faith, not history. So they locked the television away in the Vatican’s Vault of Forbidden Things (I’m told it sounds more impressive in the original Latin) while they decided what to do about it. But before they could make up their minds, or be tempted into running a few test viewings for themselves, the television was stolen from the Vault by the original Gideon Sable. Who always said there was nowhere he couldn’t break into.’

  ‘How do you know all this?’ said Lex.

  ‘I’m getting to that,’ I said. ‘Sable didn’t steal the television for himself; he sold it on, almost immediately, to Fredric Hammer. Because if it was weird and collectible, Hammer was always going to be interested. Given the supposed size of that man’s hoard and all the incredible treasures he’s accumulated down the years, I have to wonder if he heard the phrase “He who dies with the most toys wins” at a very impressionable age, and took it to heart. The time television is currently locked away in Hammer’s high-security vault, set directly underneath his secret and very heavily guarded museum.

  ‘We are going to break in, steal the time television and then get the hell out before anyone discovers we were involved.’

  ‘So …’ said Annie. ‘We’re going to sneak past all of Fredric Hammer’s famously nasty defences and protections, break into what is almost certainly the most secure treasure house in the world, grab one particular item and then smuggle it out? All without being seen or caught – because if we are, Hammer will have every one of us killed in nasty and unpleasant ways. Have I missed anything?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘That’s pretty much it.’

  ‘How the hell are we supposed to do any of that?’ said Annie.

  ‘What she said, only with even more emphasis,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘I have a plan,’ I said.

  ‘So you keep saying,’ said Annie. ‘But what is it?’

  ‘I’m getting there,’ I said cheerfully.

  ‘I am pretty sure I have a blunt instrument lying around here somewhere,’ said Annie. ‘What is your plan?’

  ‘We have to take this step by step,’ I said carefully. ‘There are other things you need to know first.’

  ‘All right, then,’ said Annie. ‘Let’s start with who’s putting up the funding for this very unlikely heist?’

  ‘Hammer’s ex-wife,’ I said. ‘The reclusive and only slightly barking mad Judi Rifkin.’

  There was more general nodding. They’d all heard of the world’s second-biggest collector of very valuable weird shit.

  ‘She can be pretty dangerous in her own right,’ said Annie. ‘Or at least she has enough money to hire professional people to be dangerous on her behalf.’

  ‘Judi has her own reasons to want Fredric Hammer hurt and humiliated,’ I said. ‘We can use that. She’s already provided enough seed money to start the ball rolling, and she’s ready to pay out big time, once we deliver the time television to her.’

  ‘How big?’ said Annie.

  ‘Seriously big.’

  ‘Keep talking.’

  ‘Fredric and Judi did not divorce amicably,’ I said. ‘Apparently, there was a huge quarrel over which of them had acquired the best pieces for their collection. Words were said and accusations made – the kind that can never be taken back. After that, Hammer used all his money, influence and lawyers to make sure Judi got nothing of any real worth in the divorce settlement. They’ve been fierce competitors ever since – out-bidding each other at auctions, stealing items from under each other’s noses, and spending fortunes on insider information to make sure they get to the good stuff first. I’m pretty sure Hammer is way ahead on points, because this isn’t the first time Judi has been willing to fund a crew to break into
his vault.’

  ‘Why does she want the television, specifically?’ said Lex. ‘If half the rumours I’ve heard are true, there are all kinds of things in Hammer’s collection that would be worth a hell of a lot more.’

  ‘But the time television is Hammer’s current pride and joy,’ I said. ‘Which is why having it stolen right from under his nose, and past his finest protections, will hurt him the most.’

  ‘But why does he care so much about that out of all the amazing things he’s got?’ said Johnny.

  I think we were all a little startled to hear such a rational question from the Wild Card.

  ‘I’m not entirely sure,’ I said. ‘Perhaps he’s using it to study history, to help him discover the present location of lost treasures.’

  ‘Maybe that’s why Judi wants it,’ said Annie. ‘So she can get back in the game.’

  ‘Could be,’ I said. ‘Only Judi knows, and she isn’t saying. All that matters is, she wants the television and she’s willing to pay us very good money to go and get it for her.’

  ‘Why did she choose you?’ said the Ghost, just to show he was paying attention.

  I grinned. ‘Because she believes I’m the original Gideon Sable.’

  ‘Doesn’t she think you’re a bit young for a master thief with a reputation going back decades?’ said Lex.

  ‘I just told her I stole a new face.’

  ‘I had some dealings with Judi, back when I was still warm and breathing,’ said the Ghost, just a bit unexpectedly. ‘This was before she married Hammer. A bright young thing, with lots of money and not nearly as good an eye for art as she liked to believe. I sold her several famous paintings, which she probably still thinks are the real thing. I can say that, because I saw what she did to people she caught cheating her. You be careful, Gideon. She might not be as bad as Hammer, because nobody is, but Judi can still be pretty vindictive when she feels like it.’

  ‘Leave Judi to me,’ I said. ‘I can handle her.’

  ‘How are we going to find Hammer’s secret museum?’ said Lex. ‘No one knows where it is. That’s the point.’

  ‘Ah …’ I said. ‘Gather closer, my children, because this is where we get to the good stuff.’

  I explained about tracking down the original Gideon Sable’s safe deposit box and what I found inside it. I demonstrated the ballpoint pen by stopping Time just long enough to slap wigs on everyone’s heads. Apart from the Ghost, of course. Then I moved to the other side of the room and restarted Time. They all seemed very impressed. Though Lex couldn’t take his wig off fast enough. And Annie made a point of restoring each wig to its proper mount, while scowling at me darkly.

  I showed them the skeleton key that could unlock absolutely anything, and the compass I got from Old Harry that would always point to what I needed. Finally, I produced a small leather-bound volume.

  ‘This is Sable’s personal journal. Packed full of useful details about the time television, and why he sold it to Hammer in the first place. He discovered it could be made to show scenes from the future as well as the past, and so he used it to see where the television was going to be, on its way to Hammer’s vault, and finally inside it.’

  ‘So he could work out how to get past all the defences and inside Hammer’s vault!’ said Annie.

  ‘Exactly,’ I said. ‘He could use the television as a Trojan Horse, to get all the advance information he needed to plunder Hammer’s vault.’

  ‘It’s like having our own man inside Hammer’s organization,’ said Annie. ‘Telling us all his secrets. To hell with Judi Rifkin! I say we steal the television and keep it for ourselves. Just think what we could do with it!’

  ‘We can’t,’ I said sternly. ‘Because we couldn’t hope to hang on to it. Word would be bound to get out, and then Hammer would send his most vicious people after us. And so would every other collector. The time television is the motherload – a collectible and a treasure that leads to other treasures and collectibles. They’d do absolutely anything to get their hands on something like that. No, it’s much safer to sell the television to Judi, for a whole lot of money, and let her worry about how to hold on to it.’

  ‘Why didn’t the original Sable go through with his plan to loot Hammer’s vault?’ said the Ghost.

  ‘I think he was still planning on how best to do that when he disappeared,’ I said.

  ‘Should we be concerned about what happened to him?’ said Annie.

  ‘No,’ said Lex.

  The rest of the crew looked at him, but it was clear none of them felt like questioning the Damned. He knew things. Everyone knew that.

  ‘Where is Fredric Hammer, right now?’ said Annie.

  ‘Hiding from a world that hates him and wants him dead, inside his own secret museum,’ I said. ‘And no doubt gloating over his precious television.’

  ‘Does the book say where this museum is?’ said the Ghost.

  ‘It tells us where to find the only access point,’ I said. ‘A carefully disguised dimensional door that can take us straight to the museum without having to cross the intervening distance.’

  ‘Where is this door?’ said Lex. ‘Somewhere inside Hammer’s old house?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘That was one of the few things Judi did get in the divorce. Fredric’s last insult to her: a big empty house that used to be full of all the wonderful things they acquired together. She’s spent years trying to replace what she lost, and only managed to fill a few rooms. The door isn’t there. Hammer knew she’d tear the place apart looking for it.’

  ‘Then where is it?’ said Lex.

  ‘Inside a men’s toilet, in a pizza place, on Oxford Street,’ I said.

  There was a pause.

  ‘Why?’ said the Ghost.

  ‘Why not?’ I said. ‘Would you have looked there?’

  ‘Hold it,’ said Annie, just a bit dangerously. ‘I have to go inside a men’s toilet?’

  ‘You’ve been in worse places,’ I said.

  ‘This is true,’ said Annie.

  ‘It’s the perfect hiding place,’ I said. ‘People come and go all the time, and no one pays any attention. Which means we can do the same thing. Once we’re in there, my skeleton key will open the dimensional door, and – just like that – we’re in business.’

  ‘But where exactly did Hammer build his secret museum?’ said the Ghost.

  ‘In a massive underground cavern,’ I said. ‘I can’t give you the exact location, because Sable could only describe what he saw on the television screen. What matters is that Hammer’s museum is right in the middle of a great open space that we will have to cross without being observed, past any number of protections and booby-traps. Then we have to break into the museum, work our way through the building undetected and finally down to the vault.’

  ‘What makes you think we can do any of that?’ said Lex.

  ‘The wonders of supernatural lateral thinking,’ I said. ‘Of which I just happen to be a grand master. This is why I chose you people in particular, to make up my crew – because of your very special individual abilities.’

  ‘What kind of defences and booby-traps are we talking about?’ said Annie, frowning hard. ‘Does the book provide details?’

  ‘Of course,’ I said. ‘Though we’ll have to be careful. There are pages missing from the book.’

  ‘How did that happen?’ said Annie.

  ‘Deliberately torn out, apparently,’ I said. ‘I don’t know why. But it tells us all we need to know. We can expect to encounter poltergeist attack dogs …’

  ‘I knew there’d be dogs,’ the Ghost said gloomily.

  ‘After that, there will be golem guards,’ I said. ‘Followed by a whole load of shaped curses, buried in the cavern floor like landmines. And, of course, once we get inside the museum, we’ll have to avoid being seen by any of the small army of heavily armed mercenaries that surround Hammer at all times.’

  ‘I’m going off the whole idea,’ said Annie.

  ‘We can do this
, people!’ I said, glaring round the group and willing them to believe me. ‘Between us, we have everything we need to deal with everything Hammer can put in our way.’

  ‘What if you’re wrong, and we can’t?’ Lex said bluntly.

  ‘If it was going to be easy, I wouldn’t need a crew,’ I said. ‘Just concentrate on what we stand to gain: a massive payout from Judi and revenge on Fredric Hammer.’

  They thought about that, looking inward rather than at each other, and then one by one they all nodded slowly. I allowed myself to relax a little. I had them.

  ‘Once we’re inside the vault,’ I said, ‘and we’ve located the television, I’m sure we can also find the time to help ourselves to whatever interesting little items we might take a fancy to. Hammer will just assume they went to Judi as well. Think of it as a bonus.’

  ‘I want the immortality drug,’ said Lex.

  ‘No, you don’t,’ Johnny said immediately.

  We all turned to look at him. He’d been quiet for so long we’d almost forgotten he was there.

  ‘What do you know that I don’t?’ said Lex.

  ‘More than you can possibly imagine,’ said Johnny. ‘Which is why I no longer sleep.’

  ‘I want any item powerful enough to put an end to my existence,’ the Ghost said quietly. ‘I just can’t do this any more.’

  ‘We’ll find you something,’ I said.

  I glanced at Annie, but she said nothing about finding something to control her gift, so I didn’t mention it either. The others didn’t need to know that her gift might not always be entirely reliable.

  Annie looked at me thoughtfully. ‘What do you expect to get out of this?’

  ‘Revenge on Hammer,’ I said patiently. ‘Along with big money from his ex, and as much of the good stuff as I can cram into my pockets.’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ said Annie. ‘I can’t see you settling for just that. But what else is there? You must realize you can’t have boasting rights. You can’t talk about this, ever.’

  ‘I know,’ I said. ‘You’ll just have to trust me to keep quiet – as I trust all of you to keep quiet.’

  ‘Honour among thieves?’ said the Ghost. ‘You sweet old-fashioned thing.’