The Best Thing You Can Steal

by Simon R. Green

  ‘It’s in all of our best interests,’ I said.

  ‘I think it’s all going to be great fun!’ said Johnny.

  ‘That’s because you’re weird,’ said Lex.

  Johnny grinned at him. ‘Lighten up, big boy. Or I’ll set fire to your aura.’

  ‘We need more details,’ said Annie. ‘Before we can decide whether this is actually doable. So, walk us through the plan, Gideon.’

  ‘We all play our part,’ I said. ‘Johnny will persuade the security guards that we’re not there.’

  ‘I can do that!’ Johnny said immediately. ‘I can probably convince them that they’re not there either, if you like.’

  ‘The Ghost will spook the poltergeist attack dogs into running away,’ I continued. ‘And then manifest to any exterior guards and lead them on a merry chase, away from their assigned positions.’

  ‘Why me?’ said the Ghost.

  ‘Because it doesn’t matter if they shoot you,’ I said. ‘Once you’ve lured them far enough away, just disappear and join up with us again. By then, I’ll have got us inside the museum with my skeleton key, where Annie will charm the security systems into not recognizing our presence.’

  The Ghost frowned. ‘But we’re bound to bump into people as we move through the museum …’

  ‘Not if we do this right,’ I said. ‘The book provides specific details as to where everyone will be, as seen on the television screen. From this, the original Sable was able to calculate a specific route that will allow us to move through the museum, unseen by anyone.’

  ‘I could just kill everyone there,’ said Lex. ‘They all work for Hammer, so they must be guilty of something.’

  ‘We’re thieves,’ I said. ‘Not killers.’

  ‘You said you needed me as muscle,’ said Lex.

  ‘To deal with any problems that might occur inside the vault,’ I said. ‘Some of the items in Hammer’s collection have a reputation for being extremely dangerous.’

  ‘They haven’t met me,’ said Lex.

  ‘You’re so positive,’ Johnny said admiringly. ‘It must be wonderful, being able to be sure of things.’

  ‘We’re going to need disguises,’ Annie said firmly. ‘All it takes is one person who’s not where they’re supposed to be – that Sable missed seeing on his screen – and just like that, we have a witness. We can’t afford for anyone to see our faces.’

  ‘I have my armour,’ said Lex.

  ‘I can be very vague,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘And no one sees me unless I want them to,’ said Johnny.

  ‘If we do this right, no one will know we were there,’ I said.

  ‘Things can always go wrong,’ said Lex.

  ‘I can put on one of my characters,’ said Annie. ‘So that just leaves you, Gideon.’

  ‘All right!’ I said. ‘I will wear the burglar’s traditional black domino mask. I’ve always wanted to.’

  ‘Will you be carrying a bag marked “Swag”, as well?’ Johnny said hopefully.

  ‘I think that might be pushing it a bit,’ I said.

  ‘Swag is an interesting word,’ said the Ghost. ‘Some say it was originally an acronym: stolen without a gun.’

  ‘The things you know,’ I said. ‘Now, once we’re outside the vault, you will walk through the door and confirm the television is still there. Annie will charm the vault’s security systems into not seeing us, while I open the door with my skeleton key. We rush in, do the snatch and grab, and then get out the same way, only in reverse.’

  ‘Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy,’ said Johnny. ‘What could possibly go wrong?’

  Annie rounded on him. ‘Never say that! It’s unlucky.’

  ‘Look around you,’ said Johnny. ‘Do you see any lucky people here?’

  Annie turned away from him, so she could concentrate on me. ‘What’s our first step?’

  ‘Hammer is holding a private auction, tomorrow afternoon,’ I said. ‘Selling off some minor items from his collection. Not because he needs the money, but so he can lord it over other collectors by showing off the amazing things he’s willing to let go. I’ve already acquired an invitation, with a plus-one. That’s you, Annie. The rest of you will have to get in on your own.’

  The Ghost looked unhappy. ‘Do I really need to be there? They say Hammer collects ghosts.’

  ‘Why would he want them?’ said Annie.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said the Ghost. ‘Perhaps so he can make them tell him things that the living couldn’t.’

  ‘What do ghosts know?’ said Annie.

  The Ghost smiled sadly. ‘It’s amazing what you can see when you don’t have life to distract you.’

  Lex and Johnny nodded in agreement.

  ‘Which is why I need all of you to attend the auction,’ I said, refusing to be weirded out.

  ‘What if Hammer gets a good look at us?’ said Lex.

  ‘He won’t be there,’ I said confidently. ‘Hammer hasn’t left the security of his museum in ages. By attending this auction, we can get a sense of how his security operates, and how far he’s prepared to go to protect what’s his. And to see how the crew copes when facing Hammer’s security. You’ll just have to blend in.’

  ‘What if his security people object to my presence?’ said the Damned.

  ‘We can always use Johnny as a distraction,’ I said.

  Johnny brightened up. ‘I’d like that! I’m sure I could be very distracting if I just put my mind to it. It’s been such a long time since I could be useful …’

  ‘But before we visit the auction,’ I said carefully, ‘I have to pay a visit to Judi Rifkin.’

  ‘Why?’ Annie said immediately.

  ‘Because she has insisted on a face-to-face meeting before we begin the heist,’ I said.

  ‘Then I’m going with you,’ said Annie. ‘To represent the crew.’

  I raised an eyebrow. ‘Don’t you trust me?’

  ‘Trust, but verify,’ said the Ghost, just a bit unexpectedly.

  ‘You’ve only just come back into my life, Gideon,’ said Annie. ‘I don’t know this you.’

  ‘Fine by me,’ I said. ‘We’ll go see Judi together. But no one else. The less Judi knows about this crew, the better.’

  No one had any reason to stick around once our business was done. The Damned and the Wild Card left together. Johnny had taken a liking to Lex, and even the Damned found it hard to say no to the Wild Card. They left the flat discussing low dives and lower people they had in common. The Ghost made a point of talking to me privately.

  ‘I just wanted to thank you for bringing me into this crew. It’s nice to have a sense of purpose again, and to feel a real connection to people.’

  He started fading away even as he was talking, and by the end he was just a friendly whisper on the empty air. I turned to Annie, who looked at me steadily. There was a time I could interpret every thought that moved in her face, but all I could see now was a cold, impenetrable mask.

  ‘I’ll sort out a persona to meet Judi,’ she said.

  ‘Make it memorable,’ I said. ‘So she won’t get even a glimpse of the real you. And I’ll pick you up tomorrow. Whoever you are.’

  EIGHT

  The Woman Who Used to Have Everything

  And Wants it Back

  Bright and early the next day, I pulled up outside Annie’s tower block in my nice new car. She was already standing there waiting for me, but she didn’t look like Annie any more. Her new persona was wearing an elegant gold lamé dress, elbow-length white gloves and a curly white wig. Pale-blue eyeshadow and white lipstick completed the new look: smart and glamorous and not at all dangerous. Not a bad combination for meeting someone like Judi Rifkin. I opened the door for her, and she settled herself comfortably beside me.

  ‘You’re right on time,’ she said, her voice a good half an octave lower. ‘I like that in a man. Call me Agatha.’

  ‘Love the new look,’ I said. ‘But when we get to Judi’s place, let me do all the talking.’


  ‘Don’t I always?’ said Agatha.

  ‘No,’ I said.

  ‘Then why would you think this is going to be any different?’

  ‘I live in hope.’

  ‘What is it you don’t want me saying to her?’

  ‘Any actual information about the crew or the plan,’ I said. ‘She doesn’t need to know, and it will give her less to argue about.’

  ‘You don’t trust your own sponsor?’

  ‘Please. This is Judi Rifkin we’re talking about.’

  ‘Of course. What was I thinking?’

  I steered the car out into the heavy London traffic. It was a dark and brooding day, with oppressive gothic clouds filling the sky. Just the right mood and setting for meeting a famously rich and crazy lady in her place of power.

  ‘Nice car,’ said Agatha.

  ‘I thought so.’

  ‘You stole it, didn’t you?’

  ‘It would have been a crime not to,’ I said. ‘Someone had parked it across two disabled bays and didn’t even have a sticker. So I embraced the cause of social justice and liberated this more than comfortable ride for a much nobler purpose.’

  ‘You always could justify anything if you talked long enough.’ She looked at me for a response, but I just concentrated on the road ahead. She tried another tack. ‘So … what’s she like? Is Hammer’s ex-wife as crazy as everybody says?’

  ‘People with her kind of money are never crazy. They’re just eccentric.’

  ‘But still sharp?’

  ‘Oh, yes.’

  ‘So for her, it’s as much about the hate as the heist?’

  ‘Doesn’t make her any less shrewd as a businesswoman,’ I said. ‘A lot of con men have tried to take advantage of what they saw as her weak spot, and she had every single one of them served up for lunch. Judi may not be quite the monster her ex was and is, but she can do a pretty good imitation.’

  ‘You can take the lead,’ Agatha decided. ‘That way, if it does all go wrong, I can always use you for cover.’

  Judi Rifkin, ex-wife of Fredric Hammer, but still bound to him by ties of rage and loss, lived in a big old house on the edge of the city, and kept the rest of the world at bay with high stone walls and armed guards. The walls surrounding her property were thick enough to stop an oncoming tank and topped with iron spikes and rolls of barbed wire. There weren’t any Keep Out signs, because she didn’t need them. I pulled up well short of the main gates. I couldn’t see any weapon systems, but I could feel the computer targeting kicking in. I lowered my window and spoke casually into the intercom.

  ‘This is Gideon Sable. I’m expected. The lady with me is my allowed plus-one, so don’t give me a hard time about her.’

  There was a long pause, and then the intercom said, ‘Stay in your car and wait for the guards.’

  I could hear the whirring of the security cameras as they changed position to get a better look at us. I sat very still and kept my hands in plain sight, while doing my best to look as though that was my idea. Agatha took her cue from me. After a while, the crunch of boots on gravel announced the arrival of two armed guards. They were both wearing flak jackets and carried their automatic weapons as if they knew what they were doing. So, of course, I just nodded to them easily as if they were merely the hired help. Start as you mean to go on, or they won’t respect you in the morning. They took their time checking me out, without opening the gates. One of them actually had a photo of me on his phone.

  ‘Judi takes her security very seriously,’ said Agatha.

  ‘I should hope so,’ I said. ‘There are a lot of thieves about. And please, Agatha, no sticky fingers once we get in there. Judi has absolutely no sense of humour when it comes to missing property.’

  ‘You have changed,’ said Agatha.

  ‘Keep your eyes on the big prize,’ I said.

  ‘Assuming we get that far,’ said Agatha. ‘Those guys have very big guns.’

  ‘Size isn’t everything.’

  The gates finally swung open and the two guards came striding forward. They kept both of us covered with their weapons right up to the point where they climbed into the back of the car.

  ‘Follow the drive to the house,’ said the older guard. ‘No detours, no stopping to enjoy the scenery, no questions.’

  ‘What he said,’ said the other guard.

  ‘No sudden movements and no surprises.’

  ‘Because we’ve seen it all before and weren’t impressed then.’

  ‘And keep to the speed limit.’

  ‘Or we’ll have to pull you over.’

  ‘It never fails,’ I said to Agatha. ‘Put two guards together and they think they’re a double act.’

  I eased the car between the open gates and was barely through when they slammed viciously together behind us. The gravel drive stretched away before me, disappearing into the distance. It was all very quiet. The sounds of traffic couldn’t get past the high stone walls. The wide-open grounds were completely lacking in vegetation. Presumably to make sure there was nothing any intruder could use to conceal themselves. It was like driving on the surface of the moon. I finally brought the car to a halt right outside the front door of a huge, brooding mansion house. Built to impress and designed to intimidate, it wasn’t so much a home as a fortress for someone who always felt under siege.

  The guards got out of the car first and covered Agatha and me with their guns as we got out. I looked at the massive front door, which gave every indication of being strong enough to hold off an entire invading army, and gestured for the guards to lead the way. They gestured with their guns for me to take the lead, and I knew when I’d been out-gestured.

  The front door opened on its own as we approached, and Agatha and I stepped through into a narrow hallway dominated by a great many security staff and a pair of heavy-duty electronic scanners. The kind they make you walk through at airports so everyone can see what you’re made of.

  ‘Please don’t mess with any of the security equipment,’ I murmured to Agatha. ‘We need to keep your gift a secret.’

  ‘I can’t always control it, remember?’

  ‘Try,’ I said. ‘Try really hard.’

  I went through the scanner first, waited patiently while everyone and their friend took a good look at everything I had, and then moved on. The alarm bells remained silent, and I was quietly relieved that I’d decided not to bring any of my useful items with me. Previous experience had convinced me Judi would have her scanners set to search for anything that might pass as a weapon. I felt naked without my gadgets, and very much on the defensive – which was almost certainly the point. Agatha sailed through after me, holding her head high so she could look down on everyone. The alarms remained silent. The two guards looked disappointed, but they were philosophical about it. They moved in on either side of Agatha and me, and escorted us into the depths of the old house.

  Everywhere I looked, the place was packed full of paintings and statues from all over the world – the plundered loot of past civilizations. Passing through the high-ceilinged corridors and wide-open rooms was like walking through a museum. Or the kind of stately home that never opens to visitors, because it doesn’t need to. The paintings never got any more modern than the Pre-Raphaelites, and the statues were all defiantly classical (no fig leaves – everything on full display). I recognized enough to be sure the collection was worth several fortunes, but there was nothing that really impressed me.

  Finally, we were ushered into an elegant drawing room of quite ordinary size and scale. The first human-sized setting we’d been in. Judi Rifkin was waiting for us, sitting on an ornate medieval throne, carefully elevated so she could look down on her visitors. Stiff-backed and steely-eyed, Judi was a well-preserved woman in her late seventies, with a pinched face, a wide slash of a mouth and short grey hair. Like the kind of grandmother you make excuses not to take the kids to see. She was wearing an extraordinarily elegant brocade gown and enough jewellery to start her own retail chain.
As though she needed to make it clear to everyone just how rich she was, even though Hammer had left her. Agatha and I stood before her, because there weren’t any other chairs. Judi gestured curtly to the two armed guards, and they quickly withdrew. I did my best not to tense up as I heard the door close and lock behind us. Judi leaned forward on her throne and glowered at me.

  ‘This is your crew?’

  ‘This is one of them. Her name is Agatha.’

  Agatha dropped a surprisingly deep curtsy. ‘You have so many wonderful things here, Ms Rifkin.’

  ‘Feel free to look around,’ said Judi. ‘Take your time, my dear. Pleasure should never be rushed.’

  She watched closely as we took in the paintings on her walls, and we were both careful to make all the right noises to show how impressed we were. The art consisted of erotic and even openly pornographic depictions of important people throughout history. Some of the scenes were indelicate, some were embarrassing, and a few were frankly disturbing.

  ‘Magnificent,’ I said finally, when I couldn’t stand any more.

  ‘I have so many wonderful things,’ said Judi. ‘And not just art. Do you see anything special here, Mr Sable?’

  I turned away from the paintings to consider the various objets trouvés she had scattered around the room. Judi always liked to test my knowledge, to reassure herself I was what I seemed to be.

  ‘The grand piano in the corner has keys fashioned from unicorn ivory,’ I said. ‘The wardrobe wrapped in heavy steel chains used to belong to C.S. Lewis. And I think I’m right in saying that this … is a Fabergé phoenix egg.’ I went to pick it up, but the sheer heat radiating off the jewelled egg made me snatch my hand back. I smiled politely at Judi. ‘May I compliment you on your impeccable good taste? You always did have a gift for acquiring the rare and unusual.’

  ‘And I have money,’ said Judi. ‘Money buys resources, and useful people such as yourself, to get me the lovely things I must always have around me.’

  To be honest, I still wasn’t seeing anything worth getting excited about. There was nothing here that Hammer would have given house room to, and Judi must have known that. She sat back in her throne so she could fix me with her cold, grey gaze.