The Best Thing You Can Steal

by Simon R. Green

  ‘Do we want to risk drawing attention to ourselves?’

  ‘Not circulating would be far more likely to attract suspicious glances,’ I said.

  Trixie took my arm and smiled sweetly. ‘Then, by all means, let us mingle.’

  We strolled through the merry throng, nodding and smiling, and people smiled and nodded back because that’s just what you did on occasions like this. But there were none of the usual hearty handshakes or air-kissing somewhere near cheeks, because once they entered an auction like this, they weren’t friends or colleagues any more, just competitors. No one has any friends once the bidding starts. The only thing they had in common was their determination to not even glance at the dozens of security guards lining the walls, with their heavy body armour and automatic weapons. And very cold eyes.

  ‘Are they here to protect the items set out for auction or the people who came here to bid on them?’ Trixie said quietly.

  ‘It’s always possible that they’re here to protect the people from the exhibits,’ I said. ‘Many of Hammer’s possessions have a reputation for being extraordinarily dangerous.’

  ‘Do the people here know that?’

  ‘This is a Fredric Hammer auction,’ I said patiently. ‘Trust me: they know. On occasions like this, buyer beware comes as given.’

  We wandered on, smiling relentlessly at one and all. Being constantly cheerful was surprisingly hard work.

  ‘Maybe we should have stopped for lunch after all,’ Trixie said finally. ‘Do you suppose they do snacks here?’

  ‘There are probably trays of the usual nibbles floating around somewhere,’ I said. ‘High on style and low on content.’

  ‘Like most of the people here?’

  ‘Play nicely, Trixie,’ I said, still smiling determinedly. ‘On any normal day, I’d be only too happy to rob these entitled parasites blind and leave them standing around in nothing but their socks, but we are here to work, not play.’

  ‘You have mellowed,’ said Trixie.

  The exhibits being offered up for auction had been set out on separate spotlit plinths. Interested parties milled around them or clustered in small excited groups, like moths drawn to a flame. As far as I could see, it was all the usual stuff: rare books and objects of power, long-lost treasures and scary survivals from pre-history. Many of them with infamous names, sordid pasts and the kind of reputations guaranteed to make those in the know shiver, with fear or anticipation.

  The Nightmare Church. The Abominable Childe. The Deplorable Lament.

  They came in all shapes and sizes, including some that hurt your eyes if you looked at them too closely. There were no obvious protections in place, but still no one touched anything or even allowed themselves to get too close. Everyone present understood that the exhibits were more than capable of looking out for themselves.

  ‘I think I’m actually impressed,’ said Trixie. ‘If these are the kind of things Hammer has decided he can do without, just think of all the incredible things he must still have locked away in his vault …’

  ‘Hang on to that thought,’ I said. ‘Because in the not-too-distant future, we will be in a position to see for ourselves.’

  And then I stopped before one particular item and frowned. Trixie moved in beside me.

  ‘Problem?’ she said quietly.

  ‘According to the sign, this is supposed to be the Midas Ring,’ I said, indicating the simple golden circle on a black velvet cushion. ‘A ring that bestows the Midas touch, but with none of the traditional drawbacks. But it can’t be.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because I was hired to steal the ring and melt it down, some time back. By certain vested interests who were concerned about what such a thing might do to the market value of gold. I watched the Midas Ring turn into a blob of molten metal.’

  Trixie grinned. ‘So not everything here is necessarily the real deal? I am shocked, I tell you, shocked. Are you going to make a complaint?’

  ‘How could I?’ I said. ‘Gideon Sable doesn’t know about it. Anyway, everyone invited to attend an auction like this knows the risks involved.’

  Trixie glanced at the armed guards. ‘Indeed.’

  ‘Ah …’ I said. ‘I see trouble heading our way.’

  ‘Why am I not surprised?’ said Trixie. ‘Do we stand our ground, run for the exit or throw things?’

  ‘We smile and nod and make polite small talk,’ I said sternly. ‘And hope to hell the elegant bastard doesn’t want to start something.’

  The man heading purposefully in our direction was tall and distinguished, in his exquisitely tailored tuxedo, with a charming smile and cold, cold eyes.

  ‘Where do you know him from?’ murmured Trixie.

  ‘All the wrong places,’ I said. ‘That is the renowned gentleman adventurer, Dominic Knight. And he knows the old me.’

  ‘Did you work together?’

  ‘We were briefly in competition over the same obscure object of desire. The owner wanted us to fight each other to the death for it, but instead we reached an amicable agreement. The kind where both parties can believe they came out on top.’

  ‘What about the object of desire?’

  ‘We decided we didn’t want it any more.’

  Dominic eased to a halt before us, struck an elegant pose and favoured me with his most charming smile.

  ‘Hello, Dominic,’ I said. ‘What brings a cultured soul such as yourself to a snake pit like this?’

  ‘The scent of danger and intrigue, as always. I might ask you the same question …’

  ‘The name is Gideon Sable,’ I said quickly.

  He raised an elegant eyebrow. ‘Really?’ he murmured. ‘I always thought he was a much older man.’

  ‘I used to be,’ I said.

  ‘And how did such a notorious snapper-up of insufficiently guarded trifles as your good self manage to gain access to an exclusive gathering like this?’

  ‘Because I was invited,’ I said. ‘My money being just as good as anybody else’s. Or perhaps they just felt a need to test their security.’

  We both glanced at the armed guards.

  ‘I’m not entirely convinced their being here is in our best interests,’ Dominic murmured. ‘Or even our continued good health.’

  ‘I shouldn’t worry about it,’ I said. ‘It’s not like there’s any shortage of seriously overweight people here to hide behind if trouble should break out.’

  He nodded slowly. ‘I don’t see any reason why it should, Gideon. I’m not here for you.’

  ‘Then why are you here?’ said Trixie.

  His cold gaze barely flickered in her direction, before returning to me. ‘I have my eye on something that I know for a fact isn’t what the label says it is. I don’t think Hammer knows exactly what he’s letting go.’

  ‘Hammer being wrong about something?’ I said. ‘How likely is that?’

  Dominic just smiled briefly. ‘I do hope we don’t end up bidding against each other, Gideon. That could prove most unfortunate.’

  He smiled at me, bowed briefly to Trixie and strolled away. A man of style and grace and occasional outbursts of extreme violence.

  ‘Fancies himself, doesn’t he?’ said Trixie.

  ‘Like you wouldn’t believe,’ I said.

  Trixie scowled around her, at the crowd and the exhibits.

  ‘I thought we were here to start some trouble?’

  ‘I think it may well start without us,’ I said.

  I quietly drew Trixie’s attention to the Damned and the Wild Card. Lex was standing stiff-backed in a corner, still inhabiting his ill-fitting suit, and glaring impartially at everyone. Even standing perfectly still, he looked more dangerous than all the armed guards put together. Everyone present was going out of their way to look in every direction but his.

  Johnny was bobbing and bouncing through the crowd, taking a keen interest in everything, even when there wasn’t actually anything there. Or at least nothing the rest of us could see. He chatted happi
ly to everyone he encountered, and they smiled back at him with stark terror in their eyes until he moved on to bother someone else.

  I looked around until I spotted one of the auction staff, resplendent in a long salmon-pink frock coat, with a stylized H emblazoned on his breast so everyone would know who he belonged to. I caught his eye and beckoned languorously, and he hurried over to see how he could be of service. I pointed out Lex and Johnny.

  ‘How is it that such notorious characters have been allowed access to what I was assured would be a very exclusive occasion?’

  ‘The Damned just walked in, sir,’ the uniformed flunky said apologetically. ‘And we let him, because no one wants to argue with the Damned. That doesn’t tend to work out too well for people. So far, he seems content to keep himself to himself. We did send someone over to ask if he needed anything, and the Damned just stared at the man until he wet himself and ran away. So we are all now officially pretending that he’s not there.’

  ‘And the Wild Card?’ said Trixie.

  ‘He just appeared out of nowhere, madam, singing a very rude song by the Pogues and scattering rose petals, and then started stuffing his face with the vol-au-vents. We’ve had to send out for more. As long as he’s not doing anything too upsetting, it’s safer to just let him be. Hopefully, he’ll get bored soon and move on somewhere else.’

  ‘But if he should cause a disturbance?’ I said.

  ‘Rest assured that the guards are keeping a very close eye on him, sir.’

  I had to raise an eyebrow. ‘You think guns will work against the Wild Card?’

  ‘These particular guns were supplied by Fredric Hammer, sir,’ the flunky said carefully.

  ‘And if they’re powerful enough to cope with the exhibits getting out of hand, you think they’re nasty enough to deal with every other kind of threat?’

  The flunky smirked. ‘I couldn’t possibly comment, sir.’

  ‘Why do you suppose the Damned and the Wild Card chose to turn up here of all places?’

  ‘Perhaps one of the exhibits caught their attention, sir,’ said the flunky. ‘Or possibly they were attracted by Mr Hammer’s name. But really, sir, who knows why people like that do anything?’

  And then he had to excuse himself and hurry off, as the Wild Card had started picking up some of the exhibits on display, looking them over and putting them down again without any obvious concern for how fragile they might be. A whole bunch of flunkies gathered around him, at a safe distance, and tried to talk each other into doing something. A few even looked to the guards for help, but they didn’t want to know. Johnny picked up half a dozen exhibits and began juggling with them, while the flunkies wrung their gloved hands and made polite noises of distress.

  ‘Shouldn’t all kinds of alarms go off when he does that?’ said Trixie.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But that’s the Wild Card for you.’

  Johnny lost interest in juggling, let the exhibits drop to the floor and wandered off. While the flunkies were busy recovering the fallen items and checking them for signs of damage, Johnny took a sudden interest in a small carved wooden statue. He picked it up, took a bite out of it and then put it down again. Only now it appeared to be made of gold. Johnny moved on, and the flunkies moved quickly in to study the exhibit. There was a lot of excited murmuring, and then one of them picked it up and carried it reverentially away. Several flunkies looked thoughtfully after Johnny, apparently wondering whether his presence might not be such a bad thing after all.

  The Ghost arrived, walking through the far wall and several guests who didn’t even know he was there. He was wearing a white tuxedo, complete in every detail, for reasons that presumably made sense to him. He came to a halt in the middle of the room and peered about him, entirely unimpressed by the people or the setting. When he turned his head to look at something, his long flyaway hair still took a moment to catch up. The Ghost wandered unhurriedly round the room, walking through people and exhibits in an absent-minded sort of way, as though none of them were real to him. Or at least not real enough to bother about.

  I drew Trixie’s attention to the Ghost. She winced and then looked curiously at the crowd.

  ‘Are we the only ones who can see him?’

  ‘Looks that way,’ I said. ‘And I’m guessing the security systems didn’t anticipate having to deal with ghostly gatecrashers.’

  Trixie turned her back on the Ghost and looked impatiently around her. ‘How much longer before the auction starts? Only I think I’ve enjoyed about as much of the social ambience as I can stand.’

  ‘Shouldn’t be long now,’ I said. ‘The staff are just making sure everyone’s had a good look at what’s on offer.’

  ‘I’ve never liked auctions,’ said Trixie. ‘All it takes is one cough in the wrong place and you can be the sudden proud owner of a real white elephant.’

  ‘We’re not here to bid for anything,’ I said patiently. ‘We’re here to observe Hammer’s security in action. Find out how far he’s prepared to go to protect his property.’

  ‘We already know that,’ said Trixie. ‘Look what he did to us.’

  ‘But is he still relying on the old crude methods, or has he become more subtle and therefore more dangerous? We need to know. So we’ll just wait for someone to start something, and see what happens.’

  ‘This entire crowd looks depressingly well behaved,’ said Trixie. ‘What if none of them have the guts to act up?’

  ‘Then we’ll start something,’ I said. ‘Why do you think I told Lex and Johnny and the Ghost they had to be here?’

  We sauntered back and forth, studying the various items on display with just the right amount of feigned indifference.

  There were paintings produced by possessed children, depicting nightmare landscapes never seen by waking eyes. When the mind’s defences fall away, in the deepest part of sleep, the unprotected mind can drift across all kinds of forbidden boundaries. Not every dreamer gets to come back from the places they visit.

  A stuffed and mounted Sasquatch stood awkwardly in the middle of the room: eight feet tall, broad-shouldered and long-armed, with thick grey fur and a somewhat surprised look on his face. Up close, the fur still had a rank and feral odour.

  ‘It’s very well presented,’ I said. ‘I can’t see a bullet hole anywhere.’

  ‘Could this be the very last one?’ said Trixie.

  ‘Oh, no, there’s a whole reservation of them in Yellowstone Park,’ I said. ‘This was probably just a rogue, caught out of its territory.’

  ‘So they’re not particularly rare, then?’

  ‘Rare enough to provide boasting rights for whoever gets this,’ I said. ‘Probably stick it in the hall to impress their friends, or hang their coats on.’

  A tall standing mirror contained no trace of our reflection. Instead, a scrawny wild-eyed man in rags and tatters hammered his fists against the other side of the glass. I waved a hand in front of his face, but he couldn’t see it. He was screaming, silently and endlessly.

  ‘Do you know him?’ said Trixie.

  ‘I recognize the type,’ I said. ‘He’s one of us. Must have triggered some kind of trap and then found he couldn’t get out. Hammer has always had a vindictive streak when it comes to dealing with those who have sinned against him.’

  ‘How long do you suppose he’s been in there?’

  ‘Who knows how time moves in the mirror world?’

  ‘Can you get him out?’ said Trixie.

  I looked at her. ‘You think that’s a good idea? He doesn’t look in any mood to be grateful.’

  ‘I don’t like the idea of anyone being trapped like that,’ said Trixie. ‘I know how it feels.’

  I studied the mirror carefully and even ran my hands surreptitiously over the wooden frame, before shaking my head. ‘There’s nothing here I’m familiar with. And since I don’t have any of my toys with me … all we can do is walk away.’

  ‘You’re going to just leave him in there?’

  ‘
We can’t help him. And I doubt this is the only upsetting thing we’ll see. It’s a Fredric Hammer auction, remember?’

  As if to confirm that, the next item was a small pile of human knucklebones in a battered copper bowl, which apparently could be used to divine the future. The sign said the bones originally came from the living saint, Angelo Montini.

  ‘I remember him,’ said Trixie. ‘He was all over the news a few years back. The man who could work miracles and did only good things wherever he went. Whatever happened to him?’

  ‘He disappeared,’ I said. ‘No clues, no goodbye note … Nothing to explain why he just vanished between one planned appearance and the next. There was a real outcry for a while. Montini was very popular with the general public. The authorities set up a worldwide search but never found a trace of him anywhere. There were all kinds of sightings, like Elvis, but none of them ever came to anything. The current belief, in the more extreme religious circles, is that he was simply so good he was raptured directly up to Heaven.’

  ‘And yet here are some of his bones,’ said Trixie. ‘What do you think happened to him?’

  ‘I think Hammer happened to him.’

  ‘You really think he’d kill a living saint?’

  ‘Of course not. Hammer doesn’t kill people. He has specialists to do that kind of thing for him.’

  ‘But why would he want someone like Montini dead?’ said Trixie, frowning at the knucklebones as though they could tell her something.

  ‘It’s not only bad people who have enemies,’ I said.

  Our next stop was before a small dark cube, maybe a foot on each side. It looked as if it had been carved out of a piece of the night sky, and staring at it for too long was like peering into an endless abyss. I had to tear my gaze away to keep from feeling as if I was falling into it.

  ‘What the hell is that?’ said Trixie. ‘It’s like staring into a hole in the world. Why isn’t there any name, or at least a descriptive sign?’

  ‘If you have to ask what this is, you shouldn’t be bidding for it,’ I said. ‘You are looking at the infamous Box of Beyond. Supposedly, it fell off the back of another reality, which may or may not be there any more. It’s supposed to contain the essence of entropy.’