The Best Thing You Can Steal

by Simon R. Green

  ‘I do like a conveyance that cleans up after itself,’ Johnny said happily.

  ‘I didn’t know you had access to a dimensional door,’ I said, with what I thought was considerable restraint.

  ‘Lots of things you don’t know about me,’ Johnny said loftily. ‘But one of the few good things about seeing this world so clearly is that I always know the best short cuts.’

  ‘And it does beat standing around waiting for the Tube,’ said Lex.

  ‘Hold it,’ said Annie. ‘The scary and dangerous Damned gets around London on the Underground?’

  ‘When I have to,’ said Lex. ‘You think a taxi is ever going to stop for someone who looks like me?’

  ‘Don’t you draw a lot of attention to yourself on the Tube?’ said Annie.

  ‘The halos ensure no one sees me unless I want them to,’ said Lex.

  ‘Must be a bit awkward on occasion,’ I said. ‘If someone thinks your seat is empty and tries to sit on your lap.’

  ‘Trust me,’ said the Damned. ‘That never happens.’

  I turned back to Johnny. ‘How did you get your hands on a dimensional door?’

  ‘Oh, they’re all around if you know where to look. When you can go backstage like I do, behind the scenery of the world, you’re free to help yourself to any of the props you fancy. But before you ask, Gideon – and given that gleam in your eye, I know you’re going to – no, I can’t find you a door that will take us straight to Hammer’s museum. That man is seriously protected.’

  ‘Even from someone like you?’ said Annie.

  ‘Especially from people like me,’ said Johnny.

  ‘I didn’t know there were any people like you,’ I said.

  The Damned was suddenly standing right in front of me, glaring into my face. ‘The auction was a bloodbath! The heist hasn’t even begun, and already innocent people are dead. This isn’t what I signed on for.’

  I stood my ground and met his gaze calmly.

  ‘First, there were no innocent people at that auction. Just knowing the kind of things that would be there, and wanting to own them, means all of those people had already crossed the line. And second, all those deaths are down to Fredric Hammer. We did nothing to justify such an extreme reaction.’

  ‘We should have known,’ growled the Damned. ‘We knew Hammer.’

  ‘He’s always been a monster,’ said Johnny.

  ‘A monster who creates other monsters,’ said Lex. ‘Like us.’

  ‘Still!’ said Johnny. ‘Life, death – what’s the difference?’

  We all looked at him.

  ‘Are you being philosophical or just weird?’ I said.

  Johnny smiled sadly. ‘Who can say?’

  And then we all looked round sharply as there was a knock on the door.

  ‘I am getting tired of unexpected callers,’ said Annie. ‘This was supposed to be the one place the world couldn’t find me.’

  ‘Could some of Hammer’s people have followed you here?’ said Lex.

  ‘No,’ I said immediately. ‘I’d have noticed.’

  ‘To be fair,’ said Annie, ‘he really would have.’

  ‘Then who’s out there?’ said Lex.

  ‘It can’t be Hammer’s people,’ I said. ‘Because they wouldn’t bother to knock, would they? Open the door, Annie.’

  She looked at me. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘How else are we going to find out who it is?’ I said reasonably. ‘Don’t worry; you have all of us to protect you.’

  ‘Lucky me,’ said Annie.

  She pulled the door open and there was no one there. She looked up and down the corridor, just to make sure, then stepped back and shut the door. The moment she did, the Ghost was standing there with us.

  ‘Sorry I’m late,’ he said. ‘But that is my permanent condition after all.’

  ‘Why did you knock?’ said Lex.

  The Ghost looked at him reproachfully. ‘I was raised to be polite.’

  ‘It’s about time you got here,’ I said. ‘A lot happened after you left the auction.’

  ‘I know,’ said the Ghost. ‘The street outside the auction house was packed with the spirits of the forcibly departed. It took me ages to get them all calmed down and pointed to where they needed to go.’

  ‘Tadpoles and frogs,’ Johnny said wisely. ‘Caterpillars and butterflies. If we knew where we were going, we’d probably be too scared to go there. Different … is always going to be scary.’

  ‘Shut up, Johnny,’ the Ghost said kindly.

  ‘All right!’ I said loudly. ‘Now we’re all here, it’s time to walk you through the plan.’

  I took a map out of my pocket and then had to move several wigs on heads off a table so I could have a flat surface. Annie snatched the heads away from me, clutching them to her and murmuring words of comfort as she found a safe place for them. I carefully refrained from any comment as I unfolded the map and laid it out, and gestured for everyone to gather round the table.

  ‘This is something I prepared earlier,’ I said. ‘Based on the information in the original Sable’s journal.’

  The crew studied the map carefully.

  ‘It’s a bit basic, isn’t it?’ said Annie.

  ‘What the hell are we supposed to be looking at?’ said Lex.

  ‘Hammer hid his museum deep underground, remember?’ I said patiently. ‘This map shows the cavern floor surrounding the museum. You’ll note that the museum is positioned right in the centre of the cavern, surrounded by acres and acres of nothing at all. So the security people can see anyone coming, from any direction.’

  ‘What can you tell us about the museum itself?’ said Lex.

  ‘It’s built like a fortress,’ I said. ‘Thick concrete walls, no windows and just the one door, made of reinforced steel. And on top of all that, a whole bunch of gun emplacements on the roof, covering the entire area.’

  ‘So once we enter the cavern, there’s nowhere for us to hide?’ said Annie.

  ‘A few stalagmites,’ I said. ‘Some rocks and rubble. But we shouldn’t need them; you’re going to charm the museum’s surveillance systems into not seeing us.’

  ‘Earlier on, you said the museum was defended by poltergeist attack dogs,’ said Lex.

  ‘That’s right, you did,’ said the Ghost. ‘I’ve been worrying about that. I don’t do well with dogs.’

  ‘They’re not actual dogs,’ I said patiently. ‘More like … invisible floating entities, with very big teeth. Living storms of psionic energies, given shape and form and a nasty disposition.’

  ‘How does Hammer control them?’ said Lex.

  ‘I’m not sure that he does,’ I said. ‘More likely he just lets them run loose in the cavern, pre-programmed to attack anything that moves.’

  ‘How many of them are there?’ said the Ghost.

  ‘Thirteen,’ I said. ‘I’ve marked the areas they patrol in red.’

  ‘Those are big areas,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘If they’re invisible,’ said Annie, ‘how will we know if they’re heading our way?’

  ‘We’ll have no trouble detecting their presence,’ I said. ‘These are bad dogs.’ I turned to the Ghost. ‘Once they’re close enough, you can just scare them off. Poltergeists spook easily.’

  ‘Can I have that in writing?’ said the Ghost.

  ‘It’s already in writing,’ I said. ‘It’s in the book.’

  ‘You also mentioned golem guards,’ said Lex. ‘I don’t see them marked anywhere on the map.’

  ‘Sable was very definite that they’d be there,’ I said. ‘But he didn’t provide any locations or even a description. Maybe they just wander around.’

  ‘If any of them get in our way, I will pound them into gravel,’ said the Damned. And then he shot me a look. ‘Or are you about to remind us again that we are thieves, not killers?’

  ‘They’re just golems,’ I said. ‘Pound away.’

  ‘I’m more worried about the shaped curses buried in the cavern floor
like landmines,’ said Annie. ‘What do they do, exactly?’

  ‘The original Sable did some research on that,’ I said carefully. ‘Apparently, they can cause involuntary transformations and explosive combustion, and manifest sudden trapdoors that can send you plummeting out of reality. The usual.’

  ‘Does the book say where they’re buried?’ said Annie, leaning over the map.

  ‘Everywhere you see a cross,’ I said. ‘Lots of them, aren’t there? Fortunately, they were laid down in regular patterns, with narrow paths left open for those in the know.’

  ‘Can we trust these paths?’ said Lex.

  ‘We can trust the book,’ I said. ‘But this is Hammer, after all. So I thought we’d let you take the lead, in your armour, and if nothing happens, we’ll just follow on behind in your footsteps.’

  ‘What if there are some defences the original Sable couldn’t describe because they never showed up on his television screen?’ said Johnny.

  It never ceased to surprise me when the Wild Card had one of his sane and rational moments.

  ‘That’s where you come in,’ I said. ‘Since the world has so much trouble seeing you clearly, we’ll all stick close to you, and that should hide us from the bad things.’

  ‘You’re putting a lot of faith in me,’ said Johnny. ‘That’s never wise. I’m not dependable, because the world isn’t.’

  ‘We can do this!’ I said, staring forcefully round the table.

  Surprisingly, Lex was the first to shake his head. ‘There are too many unknowables, too many things that could go wrong. Hammer has always been very good when it comes to unpleasant surprises. We need more time to think this through.’

  ‘We don’t have any more time,’ I said. ‘All the information in Sable’s journal is based on what he saw happening this evening. If we don’t go tonight, we’ll never get another chance like this.’

  ‘Then perhaps we shouldn’t go,’ said Lex.

  ‘You’re the Damned!’ I said. ‘What have you got to be afraid of?’

  ‘Nothing,’ he said coldly. ‘But I have armour; the rest of you don’t. There will be other times, other chances, to get back at Hammer.’

  ‘But he’ll never be this vulnerable again,’ I said. ‘Of course there are problems and dangers, but with the book to guide us, the odds are stacked in our favour.’ I looked around the table, meeting everyone’s gaze in turn. ‘We are in a position to do what no one else has ever been able to do. Kick Hammer where it will hurt the most, and get away with it, while making ourselves extraordinarily well-off in the process. Isn’t that what all of us want?’

  ‘Yes,’ said the Ghost. ‘Yes, it is.’

  The rest of the crew nodded slowly, and one by one they turned their attention back to the map.

  ‘This just shows the exterior defences,’ said Lex. ‘Once we get inside the museum, there are bound to be others.’

  ‘The journal says not, because of all the permanent staff,’ I said. ‘All we have to do is follow the route the original Sable worked out, moving quietly from one empty room and corridor to another, and no one will have any idea we’re there.’

  ‘What if there are interior defences that only make themselves known once they’ve been triggered?’ Johnny said craftily. ‘Sable wouldn’t know about them, would he?’

  ‘Look,’ I said. ‘If this was easy, everyone would be doing it.’

  ‘Talk us through the plan,’ said Lex.

  ‘Annie will charm the security systems,’ I said. ‘Not shut them down – that would be noticed – but just persuade them to edit our images out of their live feed. The systems will bend over backwards to please Annie.’

  ‘Really?’ said Lex.

  ‘It’s a gift,’ said Annie.

  ‘Well, that’s just weird,’ said Johnny.

  We all looked at him for a moment.

  ‘With the security systems on our side, we can cross the cavern floor unnoticed,’ I said. ‘And once we’ve got past the defences, we can head straight for the front door.’

  ‘Hold it,’ said Lex. ‘Why not the back door?’

  ‘Because there isn’t one,’ I said. ‘A single entrance point gives Hammer complete control over who gets into his museum.’

  ‘What will I be wearing?’ said Annie.

  I looked at her. ‘What?’

  ‘What outfit do I wear?’ said Annie. ‘Who am I supposed to be?’

  ‘It won’t make any difference,’ I said. ‘The whole point is that no one is going to see us.’

  ‘No plan survives contact with the enemy,’ said Lex.

  ‘We’re not going to make any contact with the enemy,’ I said. ‘That’s the whole point!’

  Johnny grinned at Lex. ‘Excitable, isn’t he?’

  I took a deep breath and steadied myself. ‘As long as we follow the planned route, moving quietly from one empty room to another—’

  ‘But what if something unexpected happens to force us off the route?’ said Annie. ‘How many people are there in the museum?’

  ‘Sable doesn’t provide a number,’ I said. ‘Basically, it’s just Hammer and his security people.’

  ‘That’s it!’ said Annie. ‘I can dress up as security and vouch for us if we’re challenged. What kind of uniform do they wear?’

  I held on to my patience with both hands, because I knew if I started shouting, I was lost.

  ‘You don’t need a new persona for the heist. Just be yourself.’

  ‘I don’t have an outfit for that,’ said Annie.

  All of the others were smiling now, enjoying the show.

  ‘No one is going to see us,’ I said flatly. ‘That’s what makes this heist possible. So we follow the directions as laid down in the book. Annie will keep the surveillance systems charmed, to ensure the alarms stay quiet. When we get down to the vault door, the Ghost will stick his head through to make sure the television is still there, and I will then open the door with my skeleton key. We go in, grab the television, along with anything else that takes our fancy, and finally retrace our steps back through the mansion and out into the cavern again.’

  ‘Just how sure are you that can we trust this book?’ Lex said bluntly.

  ‘I found it among the original Sable’s effects, in a safe deposit box no one else even knew existed,’ I said. ‘And the information in the book has already passed every test I can think of.’

  ‘But if something should go wrong …’ Lex said stubbornly.

  ‘That’s why you’re with us,’ I said. ‘To deal forcibly with any little problem that might arise.’

  Everyone looked at the map, thinking hard.

  ‘Any questions?’ I said.

  ‘Lots and lots,’ said Annie. ‘Starting with: what do we do if the plan should go wrong? If things start happening that aren’t described in the book? Do we press on or retreat?’

  I looked around the table. ‘We’ll never have another chance like this.’

  ‘We press on,’ said the Damned.

  ‘Improvising wildly as we go,’ said the Ghost.

  ‘I can do that,’ said the Wild Card.

  ELEVEN

  Sneaking Up on the Sleeping Dragon

  While Being Very Careful Not to Trip Over Anything

  It was late in the evening, and Annie was waiting impatiently outside her tower block when I drew up before her in my nice new ride. I got out and gestured grandly at my latest venture into the car-owning business.

  ‘Well, what do you think?’

  ‘Very nice,’ said Annie. ‘Expensive and stylish and very you. Who did you steal this one from?’

  ‘A politician,’ I said. ‘So he must have done something to deserve it. Think of this as not so much a car, more karma in action. Now, I have a question. Why are you dressed as Marilyn Monroe?’

  Annie struck a pose, bending her knees slightly and pouting at me in the famous Marilyn manner. She was wearing the iconic white dress and a curly blonde wig, but it was all in the look. She smiled sweetly at me.


  ‘I couldn’t go just as myself; I would have felt too exposed. So I came up with this. I’m sure it will come in very useful.’

  ‘All right,’ I said. ‘I just know I’m going to regret this, but I’ll bite. How is looking like Marilyn Monroe going to come in useful, as we put our lives on the line to go up against the worst man in the world?’

  ‘If we should happen to run into a guard, he’ll be so surprised and dazzled to see me that he’ll just stand there and stare. Giving the rest of you plenty of time to take him down. And later on, when Hammer asks him what happened, all he’ll be able to say is “I met Marilyn Monroe!”’

  ‘But the whole point of this heist is that we won’t be meeting any guards,’ I said. Not for the first time.

  ‘We might,’ Annie said firmly.

  ‘I can’t help feeling that there’s more to the argument than that, but I don’t have the energy to pursue it,’ I said. ‘I accept that the look might come in handy, but I am still not going to call you Marilyn. I’ve already had to call you by so many names that I can’t remember who did what, so for the rest of this heist you are Annie. No matter who you look like.’

  ‘You’re getting old,’ said Annie. ‘I can remember a time when you could keep up with me.’

  ‘I can remember when you wanted me to.’

  Her face was suddenly cold, and she didn’t look a bit like Marilyn any more. ‘We were different people then. Don’t get any ideas, Gideon. This is strictly business.’

  I just nodded and looked up and down the empty street. ‘Where are Lex, Johnny and the Ghost? I thought I’d made it clear how important it was for them to be here on time. We’re going to have to run a very strict timetable to stay in synch with Sable’s book.’

  ‘We’re right here, waiting for you,’ said Johnny’s voice from inside my car. I turned to look, and there were Lex and Johnny in the back seat. I had no idea how they got inside without my noticing, and I had enough sense not to ask. I nodded to them briefly, careful not to appear in any way impressed, because I knew Johnny was only waiting for a chance to be insufferably proud of himself. I looked at Annie, and she sighed and threw herself on the sword.