***
After Susan left, Alex quietly wrestled with his personal demons — the truth about his true identity and the truth about his mother. He rarely allowed himself time to think about how the consequences of her actions still affected him or how they dictated the path his life had taken.
He returned to Sheffield to get answers. Answers would not excuse what his mother did or erase the shame of her actions, he knew. Even so, he wanted to discover the truth, the truth about what compelled his mother that day. He supposed he hoped that with the discovery would come forgiveness. But the answers he sought could only come from the grave. And the dead didn’t talk.
Why hadn’t he told Susan the truth? Every opportunity presented itself to him today, yesterday and the day before that. On some subliminal level, he felt she’d walk — no, run — from him. The risk was too great. He couldn’t lose her.
If she learned his secrets, would she still consider him good father material? Would she want to marry him? He doubted it.
Jonathan had abused her emotionally, and, he suspected, if she hadn’t seen and done things his way, he would have abused her physically. He wondered again why she'd stayed with him. When he asked her, she looked on the positive side of her marriage instead. Perhaps she had no answer. Or perhaps she felt she had nowhere to turn and staying was better than facing life on her own. Or perhaps she thought she might be stepping from the frying pan into the fire, as the old saying went. Maybe Jonathan would make her life even more miserable in separation than he had in marriage. If that was the case, then God should be thanked for His intervention.
She really didn’t know what a wonderful woman she was. Elizabeth, Ryan and Jonathan made her form a lowly opinion of herself. She was changing, though. She came into herself more each day.
He remembered what Susan said about turning back the clock and doing so many things differently. He heard the cliché many times, but never with such conviction or honesty. It was truly an emotionally stirring response.
Tomorrow he would tell her the truth about his past.
Restless Souls Page 36
