Father Sanchez, increasingly frustrated, said, “I think you’re missing the whole point, Jobran: The idea of Christianity and of the Catholic faith is to find God, not just to find something that is similar to earthly happiness or marital joy.”
Jobran asked pointedly, “In the Church’s understanding, can I even pray to Sophia for help right now, and hope that she would hear me?” He moved directly in front of Father Sanchez, looking him directly in the eye, and said, “The Church is always talking about the ‘Communion of Saints’; might Sophia be one of these ‘saints’ that I can commune with?”
Father Sanchez sputtered, “Well, that’s not…you’re not looking at this in the correct….” He stopped to gather his wits again, then said, “In the teaching of the Church, prayer should only be offered to God, or to those who have been recognized as saints; they are the ones who are in an intercessory position with respect to us. A normal human being would not have accumulated sufficient merit to be able to intercede on our behalf.” Gently, he continued, “Although Sophia was a faithful Catholic, she had not achieved a state of beatitude in her life—if she had, she would be a candidate for sainthood—so she cannot be in direct contact with anyone about earthly matters. Purging herself of sins, in order to achieve the beatific vision of God, is the goal that Sophia is most concerned with right now, I’m sure. Of course, your prayers for her and for her welfare would be both helpful and appropriate…”
“So she is ‘out of touch,’ in the Catholic understanding,” Jobran replied.
“She is ‘out of touch’ even from the Protestant understanding,” said Father Sanchez, tersely, “Unless you want to resort to Spiritism or necromancy, which are demonic and very grave sins!” Immediately, he was contrite over his vehemence and said, “Jobran, I’m so sorry; I was just caught up in the discussion…”
Jobran held up his hand and waved off the apology, then said, “My point is that, from the standpoint of my goal of being reunited with Sophia, there would be no advantage to my being Catholic.”
“There is every advantage!” retorted Father Sanchez. “As a Catholic, you would be participating in God’s Church, receiving her sacraments, and…”
Interrupting, Jobran said, “Let’s say that hypothetically I were to stay within my liberal Protestant tradition. In the understanding of the Catholic Church, I wouldn’t be damned for doing so, would I?” He looked at Father Sanchez, as if waiting for an answer; but the Father was just staring at Jobran, open-mouthed. Jobran then continued, “Remember, I never formally converted—not yet, at least—I’ve just taken a few classes, and read some booklets. I haven’t even been baptized, as a Protestant or a Catholic. So it seems that by returning to my former liberal Protestant tradition, I have a better chance of making it, no matter which tradition is correct.”
Father Sanchez leaped up, in frustration, and said, “You’re looking at the matter in entirely the wrong fashion. The salvation of your soul isn’t like playing the stock market—where you gamble, place wagers, hedge your bets, and so on. Religion is a matter that involves your whole soul, your whole being.” He paused, seeing that he was not making any progress with Jobran, and tried another approach. “There is another factor that you must consider: Although Catholicism, particularly since Vatican II, has acknowledged that other religious traditions do have value, and that salvation can be achieved through them, it…certainly has not acknowledged them as possessing equal efficacy.”
“So in other words you’re telling me, ‘Outside the Church, there is no salvation’?”
“No, I’m not saying that,” Father Sanchez sighed, holding up his hand. “That traditional saying, although perfectly true when understood correctly, is not interpreted quite as strongly now as it was, say, when I was a young boy.” He paused, smiling as he remembered, and said, “And of course, some teachers—my youthful parish priest, for instance—expressed that doctrine in ways that went far beyond the Church’s true teaching. In the Church’s teaching, however, that saying is applicable only to those persons who know that the Catholic Church is the true Church and have the gift of faith, but who nevertheless remain outside of the Church. In fact, one of our most profound contemporary theologians, Karl Rahner, has even developed the concept of ‘The Anonymous Christian,’ suggesting that some non-Christians—even some who in good conscience are non-theists and atheists—may still be saved through Christ, even though they are not consciously Christians.” Then he shook his head sadly, and added, “Nevertheless, I would be derelict if I did not tell you that your chances of salvation are much greater by following the way of the Church, than by any other way. It has been compared to God creating a freeway leading directly to salvation, without destroying all other side roads; wouldn’t it make the most sense to travel on the main road, to get to the destination?”
Jobran faced Father Sanchez directly, and said, “Let’s face it, Father: Less than one-third of the world even claims to be Christian; of that group, only about half are Catholic. Therefore, by your own reckoning, the vast majority—five-sixths— of the people in the world are wrong in their basic ideas about religion.”
With a stony glare, Father Sanchez said, “Your point being…?”
“I’m not alone.”
Frustrated, Father Sanchez sat down again, and said, “But Jobran, you’ve grown up in a Christian environment, and Christian culture; you yourself claim to be a Christian. You can’t compare your situation with that of some citizen of Ethiopia or Sri Lanka. You are not a citizen of Uganda, Jobran, but a citizen of the United States with a Christian background.”
With a biting tone to his voice, Jobran said, “If Christianity is God’s true religion, why aren’t the majority of people in the world Christians? After all, Christianity has had almost two thousand years to grow, and reach people.”
“The Catholic Church is unique in its worldwide spread, and rate of growth. It is also the oldest institutional structure on Earth.”
“Doesn’t Islam have a comparable—even a greater—rate of growth, particularly in recent years? And wouldn’t Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and maybe some Zoroastrians claim to have institutions that predate Catholicism?”
Quickly, Father Sanchez replied, “Islam is really not even comparable to Christianity, in terms of the tremendous amount of evidence that is available to show that the Catholic Church is God’s true representative on earth.” He put his hand on Jobran’s shoulder sympathetically, and said, “Jobran, if you would just try to have a little faith…”
Sharply, Jobran shot back, “I’m sick and tired of people telling me to ‘have faith’! Have faith in what? In a God that took my wife and unborn son away from me? In a religion that can’t even suggest reasonable answers to the questions my mind and heart are screaming out 24 hours a day?” Having gotten this out, Jobran sat down again, and said in a reasonable tone, “For me, Father, ‘faith’ is not enough; I cannot afford to make a mistake—I have to know. I have to know with an absolute degree of certainty—or at least, whatever degree of certainty is possible in this world—what has happened to Sophia, and how I can have the best chance to be with her again.” He closed his eyes, as if in utter exhaustion, and said, “If I am wrong, I will never be reunited with my Sophia, and that quest is the only reason that I have for existing!”
After a moment, Father Sanchez said quietly, “Again, the goal of our life is finding God, Jobran, and not just finding our marital partner, however wonderful she might have been in human terms.”
Almost under his breath, Jobran muttered, “Of course, you’re celibate; so how can I expect you to understand how I feel?” Then in an impassioned voice, he said, “Father, the love of my wife was the one thing that I knew absolutely; it did-n’t require me to have ‘faith,’ and I had no doubts whatsoever about it—whereas I have lots and lots of doubts about religious truths. To me, the love of God is an ‘unknown’ quantity right now.”
> “If you have doubts, there are any number of books of fine, Church-approved theology you can read, to find some of the answers to your questions.”
“Well, believe it or not, Father, I have been reading a lot of Catholic theology since Sophia died, as well as non-Catholic theology,” Jobran replied. “I’ve notified the school that I won’t be returning for the fall semester, so I’m presently unemployed, living on Sophia’s minimal Teacher’s death benefit. But I think I’ve read more books in the last thirty days than during my entire five years in college.
And quite frankly, the Catholic theologians that I find the most interesting are the ones that are considered by the Church to be the most heretical: Küng, Teilhard de Chardin, and Schillebeeckx, but particularly Küng. When Küng asks the question, ‘Eternal Life?’ I have the impression that he is really asking a question; that is, he is really dealing with and grappling with these issues himself. He isn’t just repeating dogmas that have been recited for centuries, as people like Romano Guardini and von Hildebrand do.”
In an even voice, Father Sanchez said, “But the very fact of Küng’s questioning is evidence of his own deep uncertainty.” He folded his hands, then continued, “Men such as Küng are troubled spirits, Jobran; they make reputations for themselves based on the fact that they are Catholics saying these radical things. Yet without the notoriety achieved by their position as Catholics, they would not be famous; if Küng were a liberal Protestant saying the exact same things, for instance, no one would give him a second glance. Compared to someone like the Episcopalian bishop John Shelby Spong—who has radical and heretical ideas on Jesus, the Bible, women, homosexuality, and other topics—Küng would look like an arch-conservative if he were a Protestant. Comparing him to ex-Dominican Matthew Fox is even more revealing, since Fox seems to spend all his time these days writing books about ‘Creation Spirituality’ and the ‘Cosmic Christ,’ participating in ‘circle dances’ with acknowledged witches, and staging Anglican ‘Masses’ that are nothing more than rock concerts with light shows.”
“I don’t know, Father; this whole area of theology is one that brings me more confusion than it does enlightenment.” Jobran leaned back, looking exhausted. “I don’t mean to sound like some sort of weirdo skeptic, I really don’t. I’m just a person that’s lost and confused, and no one can seem to help me.”
Father Sanchez nodded, and said in a sympathetic voice, “I understand your frustration, Jobran, I really do. And believe me, I don’t think anything ‘bad’ about your having, or raising such questions.” Then with a laugh, he added, “It’s just that I haven’t had to think as ‘in depth’ about these issues since I was in Seminary, so I’m a bit rusty.”
Jobran shook his head, and said, “There’s so much confusion, it’s amazing that anyone can believe anything.”
“But that is why we have the doctrines of the Church; to guide us through such difficult times.”
Jobran looked agitated again, and said, “In all honesty, Father, the Church has been anything but a ‘guide’ to me in this time. In fact, I have been profoundly disappointed about how little it actually knows in these areas. I don’t understand how the Church can feel confident in making dogmatic pronouncements about abortion, contraception, homosexuality, and even politics, but it can’t tell me—I mean, no one can even guess at anything that sounds even half-way reasonable— it can’t tell me why my wife and son died.” In a strained, emotional voice, Jobran said, “So let me ask you one more time, Father: Given that: (1) The Church favors marriage; (2) The Church favors having children; (3) The Church favors children of mixed marriages being raised in the Church, and (4) The Church favors people converting to it, why should Sophia have been taken from me now?!?” He clenched his upraised hands into fists, and said, “I mean, if this had happened even one or two years from now…”
Father Sanchez clasped his hands together helplessly, then put his hand on Jobran’s shoulder, and said, “Remember that, in the Church’s understanding, Sophia has achieved salvation. Your unborn child will also, I am hopeful, ultimately achieve knowledge of God, and perhaps even a form of salvation. So your concern need not be for them.”
“But why were they taken from me? Wasn’t I ‘moving in the right direction,’ from the Church’s standpoint?”
Father Sanchez shook his head sadly, and said, “That, I cannot say.” As an afterthought, he added softly, “Perhaps it happened, at least partly, to test your own faith.”
Acidly, Jobran shot back, “If that was the test, then I’ve failed miserably; the only effect it has had was to shatter what little faith I had, or was starting to develop.” Jobran held up his hand to stop Father Sanchez from replying, and said, “By any orthodox reckoning, wouldn’t it have been better for my faith if Sophia had died after I had become a Catholic?” Seeing no answer forthcoming from Father Sanchez, he added, “And our baby wasn’t even born, much less baptized. So in the Church’s interpretation, he is probably in Limbo, or whatever these days you call the place where unbaptized babies go.” Looking Father Sanchez directly in the eye, he said, “Whereas if he had died instead even ten days after birth, by that time he would have been baptized, and that means that he would have been entitled to spend eternity in Heaven. Wouldn’t it have been better—from every standpoint of the Church—if this had not happened precisely when it did happen?”
Father Sanchez took his head in his hands, and rubbed his eyes, then said, “I don’t know what to tell you, Jobran, I really don’t. I must admit that you and your situation pose difficult questions, ones that I myself cannot answer. What I do know that it isn’t within our prerogative to question God, or his ways.” He shrugged, then continued, “I certainly don’t claim to have all the answers to theological questions. Even when people ask me much simpler questions like, ‘Will my dog go to heaven?’ I don’t know what to tell them. I personally don’t think so, but how am I going to say that without breaking some poor child’s heart, who loved his little dog very much? I’m just a parish priest, Jobran; I don’t claim to be a profound theologian.”
“And that’s why I feel that I must turn elsewhere, to get the answers I need,” Jobran replied.
“But are you sure that you haven’t been getting the right answers all along, but that you just don’t want to believe them?” In a somewhat exasperated voice, Father Sanchez said, “I have the impression that you’re wanting me to tell you that Catholicism guarantees that you and Sophia will be able to set up ‘housekeeping’ in Heaven, just like you did on Earth. I can’t do that, Jobran; in fact, I sort of doubt that such exclusive relationships are either possible or allowed in Heaven. Our focus in Heaven is supposed to be the glorification of God, not the pursuit of our own happiness.”
Jobran nodded, then said, “That may be.” Then with a small laugh, he added, “Personally, however, I’m going to continue to hope that the phrase ‘on Earth, as it is in Heaven,’ means that Heaven isn’t totally unlike the Earth.”
Father Sanchez laughed with him, then after a moment said, “You ask so many questions, Jobran, and I can certainly understand your reasons for having intellectual doubts and difficulties.” Then in a softer voice, he added, “And yet, I can’t help but think that a major part of your problem isn’t intellectual, as much as it is spiritual.”
“Well, I’ve never been much of a ‘spiritual’ person, I’ll be the first to admit.”
Father Sanchez continued, “And ironically, I think that Sophia would have had a much better time of coping with your death than you are having coping with hers, because she had a much more developed spiritual life and prayer life in general. You, on the other hand, are left feeling lost and rudderless without her.”
Sadly, Jobran nodded his head and said, “That’s true. Without Sophia, I just feel like there’s nothing here for me in all of life.”
Father Sanchez suddenly snapped his fingers, and said, “I have an
idea: There’s a monastery up in the hills about a hundred miles from here, that gives retreats for lay persons on weekends. It’s a good opportunity for people to go and get some things sorted out in their minds and souls, spiritually.” Studying Jobran’s expression, he added, “If you think you’d be interested, I’d be glad to make a recommendation on your behalf to the Abbot there.”
Jobran looked thoughtful. “A monastery?” He scratched his chin thoughtfully. “That might be just the kind of thing I need—a sort of ‘wilderness’ experience.”
Brightly, Father Sanchez said, “It’s worked for people as diverse as Moses and Jesus.” He stood up, and offered his hand to Jobran, saying, “So shall I call the Abbot?”
Jobran said, “Father, I’m willing to try anything, at this point,” and shook the outstretched hand.
And then they embraced.
3
FORTY DAYS IN THE WILDERNESS
The time is about an hour and a half before Vespers, the evening prayer. The Abbot is a small, scholarly-looking man in his 50s, wearing a traditional monk’s shawl, with a quiet and kindly manner. He is standing in front of an unlit fireplace. There was a soft knock at the door. “Come in, please,” the Abbot said. Jobran entered, but remained by the door, holding it open; Jobran has grown a short beard.
The Abbot said, “Come in, Jobran. Sit down.” He motioned to a place on a large, well-used couch, and Jobran sat down. “I’m going to have a small glass of wine. Will you join me?”
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