For the first time, I sensed her own gentle thoughts: “Jobran, you have focused your entire existence for so long upon your desired reunion with me, that you have neglected to notice one thing: it was exclusively focused upon your own desires and needs; what if I did not want or desire such union, at the level at which you are offering it?”
No!! This can’t be! I had waited too long, sacrificed too much, come too close, only to be denied what was rightfully mine: Sophia’s love.
“Is it my love that you are lacking, Jobran, or are you simply disappointed that my love is not what you expected or hoped it would be?” I sensed her thoughts, and I was dumbstruck, as they continued: “Rather than trying to focus on raising yourself up to my level, you would prefer for me to be lowered to your spiritual level, simply because it would allow us to be ‘reunited’ in the precise manner that you have been imagining.”
I was completely without a response or reply to her thoughts. Although I thought I had prepared myself mentally for every possible eventuality—ranging from our eternal separation due to the nonexistence of life after death, to our separation due to one or both of us being cast into the fires of Hell—yet this was something I had never foreseen: That she would be here with me, and yet we be farther apart than we have ever been! How could she have changed so much, in only two years? This is all wrong, it wasn’t supposed to happen this way! We should have been joyfully reunited, eager to resume our love right where we left off—and instead, here I am, crushed with disappointment and lost in catastrophic isolation.
“How can you feel isolated?” her thoughts answered mine. “Your family and friends are all here, safe and sound. And I am here, too, Jobran.”
“They’ve betrayed me, by stealing your love away from me! You’re my wife! We pledged to love each other until…I mean, I pledged myself to love you forever! And nothing can ever change that!” I continued to rage—fully aware that my fury was completely irrational and self-centered—it was as if every degree of spiritual progress I had made since I had been here had instantaneously vanished, as it said in the gospel story (Lk 11:26) about seven wicked spirits returning, making one worse off than one had been in the first place, and yet I couldn’t help it. “This is even more horrible than when I was back on Earth, crushed from my loss of you, because then, I could at least hope that one day I might again be reunited with you. But how that I’m actually here, and you are rejecting my love, the disappointment is staggering, overwhelming; I feel that my entire life has been made a mockery of—what was the whole purpose of my existence, if not to find you again?”
She communicated, “What if the focus of your existence has been wrong, Jobran? What if you were so focused on trying to control the circumstances under which you and I could be reunited, that you failed to realize that the actual circumstances might be different? And that they might actually be constructed so as to promote our spiritual progression?”
My mind was now careening out of control, and I continued to strike out at any target. “I don’t care about any so-called ‘spiritual progression’—it’s just not fair! I gave away my entire life for you while I was on Earth, I sacrificed everything of temporal pleasures just to make absolutely sure that I would be in a position to be reunited with you, and now you’re telling me that it isn’t possible!” I now wanted to hurt her, to make her feel pain, even as I now did. “I could have achieved earthly happiness: I could have remarried, I could have had kids, I could have had a successful career, I could have eaten and drank, I could have lived a long life, but I gave it all away, for you! And you don’t even seem to care, much less show any sense of gratitude! What’s the matter with you?!? If you’re supposed to be so god-damned ‘spiritual,’ how come you don’t even have the slightest sense of compassion?”
Sophia’s calm thoughts continued to communicate to me, “What sort of ‘gratitude’ would you expect that I would have for you, Jobran? Did any of your ‘sacrifices’ on Earth reflect what I would have wanted for you? Did I ever tell you that I wanted you to live the way you did, in the event that I predeceased you? How have you done anything at all that benefited me, in any way that truly matters?”
My thoughts turned bitter, “I haven’t done anything that benefited you, Sophia; I realize that now, and I hate this place for that! There is nothing I can do that will matter to you, nothing I can do that will make anything change around here. It’s so ‘wonderful,’ so goddam perfect here, that there isn’t anything I can do for you or give you that you don’t already have, in far greater measure.” Casting my gaze around us, I hissed, “All they’re trying to do is break down our earthly patterns of love, so that we will all fall into blind obedience to this so-called ‘loving God’ that creates and sustains this place. This accursed place has stolen your love from me, even more certainly and surely than your death did, and I hate this place for it!”
Her thoughts projected an immense degree of compassion toward me, as I sensed her thoughts: “Jobran, this is the reason that our meeting was delayed— we knew you would not be prepared to handle it yet; you are still too self-willed, too filled with your own concepts of how things should be, how things should proceed, that there is no room for anything else. If it were up to you, you would probably have simply had us set up housekeeping in some cozy little cottage here, and conduct ourselves here just as we would have done back on Earth.”
Bitterly, I thought, “And what would have been so bad about that? That seems like a worthy concept of ‘Heaven’ to me.”
I sensed her thoughts again: “Jobran, if we simply behaved here like we were an earthly married couple, how would it promote our spiritual development? That is, after all, what we are here for.”
Trying to find a weak point in her defenses—almost as if we were engaged in one of our rare arguments back on Earth—I thought bitterly, “Seems to me that I recall that you were the one who wanted to get married in the first place! I would have preferred living together for a few years, first. And you were the one who refused to have sex—even though we were engaged, for Christ’s sake—until after we were married! And you were the one that refused to take birth control, and wanted to have children right away, even though I would have preferred to wait until we were more stable financially! And you were the one that insisted that I become a damn Roman Catholic, and brainwash our kids with it as well. It seems to me that you’re the only one who got anything you wanted out of our relationship!”
Ignoring my own cynical comments, her thoughts continued, “Jobran, please—don’t think hateful thoughts about the life we had together on Earth; you gain nothing by befouling your own memories of it.” I immediately felt shame, and deep remorse, as her thoughts continued: “The life we shared was indeed wonderful—in Earthly terms—but it wasn’t ‘Heaven on Earth’ or ‘Paradise,’ by any stretch of the imagination. Your have overly-romanticized it in your imagination, by having remembered and fantasized about it far too often. You seem to have forgotten that we also had our share of frustrations and arguments while we were on Earth.”
Ignoring her calm and reasonable words, I continued to try and attack her, thinking, “So you’re saying that I shouldn’t even remember or think about what we had on Earth, or how we were cheated out of a simple life together that is given to everyone else? That I should just give up all of my hopes and dreams for some sort of vague ‘spiritual’ ideal? That seems like one hell of a concept of ‘Heaven’ to me!” Blind with rage, I thought, “I didn’t ask for an eternity of perfect bliss together—all I ever wanted was just to be able to have a normal married and family life with my beloved wife! How can that be such an ‘outrageous’ request? A mere forty or fifty years of life, compared to an eternity afterwards of whatever kind of ‘spiritual progress’ they have us compelled to undertake?”
Her patient thoughts continued, “Jobran, you yourself have expressed concern about the young man who took your life, about how he seems
to still be inextricably caught up in his earthly life—but you are still completely bound up in earthly matters and are just as tied up with life on Earth as he is, although in a slightly different way. For example, have you even asked about God since you have been here? Isn’t the nature of God a matter of any interest to you?” I remained silent, but with a dawning conviction of my own wrongfulness, as her thoughts continued, “Knowledge had been one of the guiding passions of your existence the last two earthly years, Jobran, but have you really even tried to learn while you were here? Have you tried to observe others, and model yourself after them? No, apart from asking your uncle Rick a couple of simple questions, your ambitions here are no different from what they were on Earth, before you began your religious ‘Quest.’”
My vision clouded over with frustrated hatred, I thought, It’s because I’m the same person I always was—whether on Earth, or here—I’m no different! The evangelical Christians are right after all—unless God “zaps” you with some supernatural power, there is no way that we can ever change our basic nature…
But Sophia’s probing thoughts contradicted me, asserting, “Jobran, you know that you aren’t the same person! You can’t, and never will be, the same person here as you were on Earth.”
My futile anger was striking out randomly now, without specific targets. “Then why the hell didn’t someone—my supposed ‘guardian angel,’ or whomever—tell me my whole goddamned Quest was futile? My whole fucking life on Earth was completely wasted, because I was searching for something that could never take place!”
Still, Sophia’s gentle, compassionate thoughts kept coming, gradually wearing down my defenses. “I would hardly think your life on Earth was wasted, Jobran. Most people live their lives on Earth in a spiritually superficial way, as you found out. If they have religious beliefs, they are frequently only a byproduct of how they have been raised. My own earthly beliefs were no different: I wanted you to be a Catholic, and I wanted our children to be Catholic, because that was all I knew, from my birth through my death. I was afraid of considering any change, and it was easier for me to change you, than to change myself. Yet your Quest was hardly a ‘vain’ endeavor. As a result of the emotional suffering you experienced, think of all the religious opportunities you have had, the experiences; think of all you have learned about religions, philosophies, and diverse forms of spirituality; think of the deep friendships—of eternal value—that you made along the way. Think of the fact that you died by sacrificing your life to protect others. And most importantly, realize that you did achieve a special, unique realization of earthly love, with one special person—think of the billions of people that pass through their earthly lives without ever achieving this, drifting from partner to partner in a state of perpetually unfulfilled longing.”
Perhaps without meaning to, Sophia’s thoughts had finally not only stilled most of my anger, but they had rekindled slightly some of my hopes. I thought to her, “I understand that our relationship can’t be the same here as it was on Earth; really, I’m not asking that we live together as man and wife, or anything like that. But I can’t endure that you seem to be denying that our love ever even existed! Without the love that we shared, my own life is without purpose, it is absolutely meaningless. Can’t you even acknowledge that our earthly love had importance for yourself, as well as it did for me?” My thoughts torn by anguish, I continued, “I have a perfected memory of my earthly days, now, including the parts we shared together; how can you now deny the love that we shared? Either you were lying to me then, or you are lying to me now, if your love wasn’t what you said it was!”
Sophia continued her subtle prodding, trying to gentle turn me in the proper direction. “I am not denying anything from our earthly life, Mi Amore.” My heart leapt within me, as she used the term that she had lovingly called me so often, on Earth. “But we are no longer on Earth, Jobran; we have gone beyond that level of existence. And you seem to be forgetting yourself that there was more to your earthly life than our own relationship. Remember, you were twenty-one when we first met—you had career goals, friends, family—in short, you had a very full life before you even met me. It was pure coincidence that we happened to meet in a shared class.”
“I can’t believe that our meeting was just coincidence,” I tried to counter.
“Then what else could it be, Jobran? You of all people shouldn’t think that God is carefully planning and orchestrating every specific event of our lives; there doesn’t need to be such ‘control’ over our lives, because we are eternal beings— none of us can be ‘lost’—and as eternal beings, what transpires about us on Earth is a relatively ‘small’ matter, when compared to the enormity of what lies ahead for us in the future.”
I kept trying, searching frantically for a bargaining point. “Can’t you even admit that what we shared with something unique, special, and irreplaceable? Can’t you even leave me with that much in the way of memories?”
But her thoughts continued without hesitation, “If I did, would that help you in your own spiritual development? Wouldn’t I actually be stunting your growth, by giving you yet one more thing to ‘cling’ to? Wouldn’t you then continually be looking back on that confirmation by me, and wanting me to confirm it again, and again—until you were once again regressing to demanding that we resume a ‘normal married life,’ as we had on Earth?”
In desperation, I tried my final bargaining chip. “Sophia, I have told myself a million times that I could have dealt with the ending of our relationship by your death, if it hadn’t happened so suddenly. I pleaded, again and again, for just one last time to talk with you, to be with you, as we had been. So my proposal to you is this: If you will just grant me twenty-four hours of your earthly love—so that we can share our love just one last time—then I will agree to forgo your exclusive marital love for all the rest of eternity. Is it a deal?” Her thoughts were silent, and I added desperately, “I’m asking so little, you can’t deny it to me!”
Panicking, I could feel her presence detaching from me, and slipping away. In a moment, she might be gone from me again—forever. “Sophia, you can’t just leave me like this,” I thought towards her with all my might, but I could feel her fading away. Insane with desperate rage, I physically shouted out, “Sophia…I swore that no power anywhere could keep me from being reunited with you again, and I have kept that vow! You can’t take yourself away from me now, now that I have come so close…!”
Her visual presence had vanished, but I could sense the thoughts that she had left behind with me: “But are we truly ‘reunited,’ Jobran? And are you happy with the final result of all your earthly effort?”
Looking down, I could see that I was involuntarily appearing in a physical form, as substantial as if I were still on Earth. I sat down on a nearby perch, as had the young man who killed me, while I spoke with him. I realized that my entire “spiritual progress” so far had been reduced to nothing, and that Sophia was right: I was still as attached to earthly existence as the young man was. To myself, as much as to the now-departed Sophia, I mused, using my earthly voice again, “I thought that my life on Earth was barren and incomplete without you, but in a sense it was better than this, because I always had the hope of being reunited with you again. Now that I am without even that barest glimmer of hope, there is no meaning in anything to me here. If this is how things are going to be, I would rather have my memory destroyed, and be reincarnated and sent back to Earth, to allow me to try and find an ‘earthly’ level of happiness again. Or better yet, just annihilate me—I have no wish to continue on for all of eternity in this condition.” My depression was utter, and complete.
Yet although her visible presence had departed, Sophia’s thoughts remained with me, continuing to probe gently, tenderly, at the weaknesses in my defensive walls. “But you don’t have to continue on in this condition, Jobran—that’s why we seek spiritual growth here. Think of this place as being
like a ‘training ground’ for our higher development—there is no other place you can go, no other place where you can be, that would be better for your spiritual development than right where you are. You simply need to accept where you are, and work from that point forward.” There was a moment of silence, then her thoughts added, “And you must realize that—having now known the truth about life—it would be impossible for you to return to a normal earthly existence, anyway. You have seen into eternity, and witnessed the futility of human life as you knew it. Your memories are eternal—they cannot, and will not be erased, because they are now an eternal part of you.”
I kept silent for a long time. When I finally replied, it was with great emotion in my voice. “Sophia, God knows that there was so much about my earthly life that was a waste; it shames me to even begin to remember it all. I pursued goals that were meaningless, and I wasted irreplaceable time on things that have no lasting value at all; I know that now. And yet…it always seemed to me that my love for you was the one truly ‘pure’ thing in my life. Although the remainder of my life might have been self-centered and pointless, at least I always had the purity of our love, that I could look to as an ideal.”
“But was your love for me completely ‘pure,’ and free from selfish motives?”— her thoughts struck me like a dagger in the heart. “When you first met me, and were courting me, wasn’t there a degree of ‘urgency’ to your romantic entreaties that was influenced by your strong sexual desire for me? When you considered proposing marriage to me, hadn’t you first engaged in a series of coldly rational calculations, balancing and weighing the ‘pluses’ and ‘minuses’ against each other? Didn’t you consider our relative earning potentials—pleased that you expected that you would probably be making as much or more money than me— as well as the tax consequences of our marriage? Didn’t you note that I had no vices that you did not share—we were both moderate social drinkers, and occasional gamblers—and that I lacked many negative personality characteristics that you detested, such as what you termed ‘bitchiness’? You even thought of my Mexican nationality as a ‘negative’ factor—although you were glad that I spoke English as my first language—although this was in your eyes ultimately sufficiently offset by my other ‘positive’ factors?”
Beyond Heaven and Earth Page 92
