There were those eyes again. The fast talk stopped, the smile gone, the million emotions underneath.
“Cassia,” he started, very quietly.
“They’re not going to get me. We’ll find them first—and stop them however we can. I’ll be fine.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Andrew…” I reached to touch his jaw gently with my thumb, fingers at his neck, our faces close. “If this murderous pack, or the casters working with them, managed to kill me, the implications of that would be so huge, I don’t think you’d be worried about it anymore.”
“You mean if the bomb drops we’ll all be nuked, so whatever?”
“Pretty much. I’m surrounded by six wolves all the time and I can also look out for myself. I’m going to be okay. What we need to worry about is getting all of us safely through this and protect your pack. I’m not worried about me.” A white lie. I had been lately, for the first time.
Andrew nodded and turned his face to kiss my palm.
“I can’t say I know what you’ve been through,” I said quietly, forehead almost touching his while he kept his mouth to my hand, breathing against my skin. “It wouldn’t be true. I can only imagine how awful this has been for you. I’ve never had a relationship like you had—a settled down, staying together, about to have a baby relationship. I’ve never known a loved one to be murdered. I don’t know what all battles you’re fighting. But I do know about grief—terrible grief that sends you to bed and stops you from eating or thinking or remembering what you did the day before. And I know that living your own life fully, and loving again, connecting again to another person, is not a betrayal. Love lost is an opportunity for us to honor people who have paved the way of our lives and are no longer with us in the flesh. To say, ‘I will take what you taught me, all I gained from you, and pass on that love and joy with another,’ is a wonderful way that we can celebrate that spirit.”
He just kept breathing against my hand, face downturned to my palm.
I hesitated, yet he leaned in, not away, so I continued.
“I’m so sorry, Andrew. And I am so, so grateful you are here. My greatest unexpected blessing on this whole thing was you stowing away in the caravan. A brilliant mind along with humor, kindness, and courage in one person seems like asking too much. But you’re also beautiful and my age and can cook—and you’ve fallen for me, I think, as much as I’ve fallen for you. By then it’s almost ridiculous. I’ve never known anyone like you. So you’re a bit of a kleptomaniac and you take the teasing and name-calling too far. There’s that flip side. And you’re trapped in the war zone of grief. I wish I could be there beside you. I wish I could fight some of the battles for you. But I can’t. So I want you to know that instead—know that I would if I could. That I want to be here for you in any way I can. If you ever need an ally, if you ever want to talk about you, or not talk at all, I hope I’m on your call list.”
It was a long time before he lifted his face, moving his hand to hold mine instead, looking down at it.
“I thought we sat down to talk about you,” he said after a minute.
“Pregnancy’s not going anywhere. It helps me to cope with my own stress when I can worry about someone else instead.”
He nodded slowly, gaze still on our hands. “I’ll tell you about her sometime.”
“I’d like that.” I squeezed his fingers. “Whenever you want to.”
“You can talk to Jay about me, you know. They all knew Sarah, and us together. I don’t care.”
“Okay… I might ask. But that’s back to gossip and ‘family secrets’ methods of communication. My own getting to know you better is only a small part of this. It would be good for you to have someone to talk to about what you’re dealing with emotionally.”
“Awfully presumptuous of you.” A corner of his mouth turned up. “Not that I’d expect less. You could patent that certain elegant way you have of putting others before yourself with your trademark certainty that you know what’s best for them.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“Your intentions are golden, darling. Always.” He kissed my hand again. “We know that.”
“How about one sincere, honest note about yourself? Have I ever had the pleasure of such an admission from you? If you ever feel like sharing something so personal, I’d be honored.”
He finally looked up. “I love you.”
“That’s … your thing about yourself?” I blinked. “I love you too”
“That why you’re having some other bloke’s baby?”
“What?” I snorted, though there were tears on my lashes as I ducked my head into his shoulder. “Andrew…” I sighed.
“Congratulations, Belle,” he said in my ear, making me laugh and cry even more.
“I’m scared,” I whispered back.
“I know.”
“But it’s going to be all right this time. For both of us. We’ll make sure of it.”
“I know,” he repeated.
“Andrew?” I pulled back. “You can’t change your behavior toward me either. Eventually I have to tell them, but … let’s just try to get a few things … cleared up first. In our lives. In the mean time, you can’t get extra protective or anything, right?”
“You think I can’t keep a secret?”
“Sorry…”
“I get it, darling. If they know now your whole participation in this investigation is over. They’d declare it too dangerous for you. Which could mean all our lives being over as a result.”
“I suppose that would be worst case scenario.”
“That or the bomb.”
“We need to go to our gate.”
“You ready?”
“No.” I sat back, eyes shut, thinking of everything I didn’t know about pregnancy and babies. Also about marshmallows and the sobbing last night. “Andrew…” I looked at him and bit my lip. I shook my head.
In a minute, I scrambled up, back to the bathroom, rinsed and touched up my face, and paced, making sure I wasn’t still nauseated. Nux vomica tablets under my tongue, I returned to Andrew, now standing at the end of the corridor.
He watched me approach with the tiniest smile at the corners of his mouth, his eyes sad.
“What is it?” I asked, pushing back my hair, then drawing out a slow inhale.
“You have a certain glow about you.” His mouth twitched.
“You can’t start making jokes about this and giving it away. I mean it.”
“Darling, if we English didn’t have jokes we’d have done away with ourselves decades ago. As to Australians, well, we’re part of the reason they’re so miserable—crumbling of the Empire and all that.” He smiled much more as he said it, like he’d personally signed Australian independence from the United Kingdom into place.
“Speaking of the Empire, I’m still confused about something—”
“Does it have anything to do with the father of the baby?”
“This is not a soap opera. No, I’m—”
“Isn’t it?” Still smiling.
“Unrelated. I’m confused about the historical stuff that’s come up. All along the way. We were all set for a minute there on having to hunt down Irish descendants of record-keeping wolves. The shamans were able to help enough so we’re heading home, but why all this ‘learn your history’ hinting from the universe only to get the messages that we already know who the killers are?”
“Haven’t you ever heard of a red herring, darling? Does it make a difference since finding shamans did bring about more answers? Does it matter why we came looking as long as we got help? Anyway—” He raised a hand, stopping me. “Even if they were no help at all, what about you? What about these past couple of days? You got a strong message from your magic that you needed to come to this country. What have we accomplished here? Not only coyotes—everything, all together?”
My eyes unfocused as I thought. “We’ve … grown stronger. I’ve learned so much from all of you, who you are and what you
need, how we can be a stronger pack. We learned we already know of the killers; that they are a group in the magical community, and there are shifters and casters working together, probably based in the North of England. I got to visit home, go to my school, pay my rent, see old friends, find out what we might be up against in magic. Mostly … I’m pretty sure I learned enough and had the opportunity here to protect us. To regain my own power and control over my own scries and keep us safe from magical spies and interference. But … at a high price for us being gone for so long.”
“Peter and the rest were going off regardless of us. We had no focus at home. What would we have been doing? Groping in the dark?” He waited until I met his eyes to go on. “We trust you, Cassiopeia. Trust yourself.”
“Andrew? They’re worried about me. Let’s go.”
“Ignore him. The only way to deal with a puppy.” He’d obviously also noticed that Zar was out in the terminal watching us, hands clasped around his bag.
“Can he hear us?”
“Nah, too noisy in here.” Andrew offered me his elbow and I slid my hand under his arm to take it.
He ducked his nose to my hair as we started back to meet Zar and the others, whispering, “Really, Cassia. Congratulations.”
I squeezed his arm. It was at that moment that the news really “hit” somehow. That moment, walking through the Portland International Airport at 5:00 a.m. on August 31st, when I realized that my entire life had changed forever. I didn’t know if the fresh ripple of nausea mixing with tightness in my chest was from the joy of it, or the terror.
Chapter 20
Isaac and the stone house by the beck with the flower beds and honey bees. Zar on the beach with the picnic. The sun shining through a blissful summer day, the kids running and laughing, the sounds of water blending in, meditative.
It could be real. We’d already beaten the odds. One of them. Surely it had to be Isaac or Zar. I shouldn’t be feeling like this less than a month in, right?
Yet … I didn’t know. I knew a lot about kids. About elementary school age kids. About child development, teaching structures, and learning theory from small children to teens and adults, even to apes, birds, rats, and dogs—all mentioned in my own education. Learning theory and how kids grow. Teaching and how kids connect and understand.
There would be time to self-educate on pregnancy and babies and actually raising a human being from scratch later on. Maybe when I was thirty. At some point once I’d settled down with someone and knew this was the guy who I wanted to raise kids with and we were a forever family. Then educate, then make the choice. A choice. A plan.
If there was ever something to have a plan about, being responsible for someone else’s life…
What had come over me, anyway? A few guys are like, Nah, that’s not going to happen. Almost impossible. And that was suddenly good as gold? No need to take any precautions?
But would I have wanted to anyway?
Yes. Right this moment, just for this summer, while we were all risking our lives and working some kind of magical underworld vigilante justice that could get us all killed, now was simply not the time to: A; be running around pregnant, or, B; risk an eighth life in what we were doing.
Goddess. Eight.
Daniel, the shaman, and his asking weren’t there eight of us? Eight was such a magical number, powerful number of infinity. Eight.
Here we were.
Yes. I’d always wanted a family. I’d wanted kids since I’d been one. Definitely the sort of little girl who watched out that her dolls didn’t get sunburn or go too long without a nap.
So I did want this. Like breath, vision, imagination, freedom, like my own life. The ultimate gift, the ultimate miracle. And the fathers? No going wrong. Half of us could die, including me, and this baby would still have a family, still be loved and protected no matter what. Andrew had been right about that. They weren’t going to care. Show them a new “pup” and I’d be lucky if I ever got to hold the little bundle myself. Even Jed would curl himself around such a little life and rip anyone’s arm off who reached for it. We may have to talk about that.
Beat the odds. Miracle. Eight. Yes, yes, yes. And no. And fear that made my eyes sting and heart hammer, pressure like a couch on my chest. Not now. Not right this minute.
Besides, what about lying to them? I couldn’t really do that, could I? They had to know. They would find out anyway and I couldn’t let that happen before I told them the truth. Which probably meant telling them soon. Very soon.
But…
Goddess…
I had to read. At least about pregnancy, know what to expect, take care of myself. No drinking, right?
Was I supposed to stop coffee? Caffeine? No … pregnancy couldn’t be that dreadful. Maybe cut back. Then stop once it was here because of breast feeding and the literal nightmare of giving a newborn infant caffeine through your own breast milk.
See? You do know something. Something. Not much, but memories of observations from my mother or Nana about babies, the few friends I had who already had a kid or two, my own reading in passing with all the child development stuff.
So give up coffee for a while, but that was down the road. I could do that. Down the road when? Nine months or eight? But wait. It had been exactly one month. The full moon, Isaac and Zar right around August 1st. Unless it wasn’t them…
What about a doctor? What the hell was I going to say?
How far along are you?
Oh … that depends on who the father is. And, by the way, it’s possible this might be an eight-month gestation. See, the mystery man isn’t a man at all.
The mental conversation went downhill from there…
I didn’t need a doctor right this minute. As long as I was healthy and did my own research and made sure I stayed healthy and didn’t do anything like … well … anything too dangerous, I’d be fine for a while. I could see a doctor later, UK or US. Shouldn’t need to worry about that yet.
For right now … baby steps.
Soonest possible? Say one month already. Say there would be eight total. That would be a due date of … April Fool’s Day. Naturally.
Fine. Loads and loads of time away. And that was the soonest. Could be May Day. Could reach June. One way or another, it was a long, long time. Plenty of time to make a lot of decisions and understand what to expect, to be safe, to be in a new phase of our lives. To settle down? Where?
With the clarity as if of a good, strong scry, I saw myself in the green pasture by the beck and the stone cottage, playing with the kids along the wet stones: a gold band on my left ring finger.
Things to figure out:
What to expect in pregnancy.
Stopping murderers.
Staying in the UK.
Becoming a mother.
In that order.
“Cassia?” Isaac kissed my hair.
“Hmm?”
“Time for seat backs and sitting up.”
“Where are we?”
“About to land in London.”
“London?” Hadn’t we just boarded the 747 from JFK?
I sat up from his shoulder, rubbing my face. A fleece airline blanket slid down. There was Jed on my other side, my lower legs in his lap. Both armrests were up and I’d been resting on my hip in my own seat, pillowed between the two of them like a bird’s nest. There was a nameless mundane on the other aisle seat beyond Jed. They’d managed to snag these three in a row right at the tail of the plane in the rows of four running down the middle. Zar and Andrew, and Kage and Jason, were also together in other places farther up the plane.
I’d told them we could switch around and stretch. Apparently I’d lied.
How could I have been asleep, though? I was sure I’d been thinking of babies for the past fifteen hours straight. Yet I hadn’t even heard the landing announcement.
I dragged my feet out of Jed’s lap and pulled away from Isaac as I struggled to sit up. We had to tug down the armrests to push the buttons and allow
our seats to lift, feeling like a solid, vertical wall all at once.
I drank, rubbed down hands and face with a towelette, organized my bag and stuffed it under the seat, then reached for Isaac to kiss him. I was startled by the lump in my throat, my own choking emotion at the gratitude I felt for him. Not for this moment in particular, but because of what a wonderful person he was—how kind to me, how resourceful and how much he was going to help with sorting out what I needed to do about being in England, and what a wonderful dad he was.
In the roar filling the back of the cabin, I said, “Thank you. I love you.” Then turned to hug Jed’s head to me also, kissing his cheek, already sharp with stubble after he’d shaved untold hours ago in the hostel in Portland. I said the same to him, voice almost breaking, then sat back.
If I couldn’t get both the nausea and my own emotions under control, it wasn’t going to matter about them figuring out what the smell of me meant. It wouldn’t take long for someone besides Andrew to know what was afoot.
I said no more while my mind again raced, eyes shut, holding a hand of each while we made the descent into London.
Chapter 21
“Fix you lunch and you can go to bed. Look like you need it.
“Shouldn’t she stay with Gabe? I’ll stay with you in the city, Cass.”
“Course not. Only curling up for a night, aren’t we? Heading north in the morning.”
“He’s right. One night in the territory, then we’ll be on the road. You can stay with us again, Cassia. We’ll just get your bag at The Abyssinian on our way through London. We have to get to Victoria Station anyway.”
“It’s your choice where you stay, arä. Just let us know wherever you want to be. We’ll meet with Diana this afternoon but that’s your choice as well if you feel up to attending.”
“Sure it’s on you. Only makes sense to stay with us, though. Two of us around in case anyone’s getting their hackles up about you being back. Won’t let Zacharias bother you.”
“If that’s what you’re judging on, mate, she’s better off home with me and the parents, or the grim brothers and Keziah, or even back to Atarah’s for the night. In other words, you and Jay are the last wolves she should be with—aside from snowy.”
Moonlight Lovers: A Reverse Harem Shifter Romance (The Witch and the Wolf Pack Book 7) Page 12
