Once my brain hops on the what-if train, I’m always hard-pressed to fall asleep. I finally succumb to the sandman long after I should, being that I have to work in the morning. When I wake up, Faye is cooing away in her crib. I quickly nurse and change her before heading down to make a pot of coffee.
Beau is already in the kitchen doing just that when I arrive. “How’d you sleep?” I ask.
“Who slept?” he responds. “I stayed awake all night offering God all kinds of deals to let the baby live.”
“How’s Shelby?” I ask.
“She finally fell asleep sometime after one. She’s still bleeding but she says it’s not as heavy.”
“When are you going to take her to the doctor?”
“I’m going to call this morning and schedule something. Unfortunately, there’s very little that can be done at this stage in the game. Studies show that nearly twenty-five percent of early pregnancies end in miscarriage.”
“Someone was on the internet last night,” I say.
“That’s what I did in between praying and staring at Shelby. I’m now the owner of statistics that would scare the crap out of you.”
“Hang tough, Beau. Call me if you need anything.”
“You’re heading in to work?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’m trying to finalize the design for Emmeline’s so I can finish ordering the inventory.”
I hurry to get cleaned up and then let Mama know I’m leaving. She takes Faye and informs me, “I’m planning on sticking close to home.”
“I’ll be at the sewing machine factory. You can drop the baby off with me if you need to.” For some reason I’m having a hard time leaving my daughter today. I suddenly realize how much could have gone wrong and how very lucky I am that she’s here.
Mama gives me a big hug and says, “Everything will work out as it should, honey.” I know she’s talking about Shelby’s pregnancy, but still I find her words comforting.
Up until last night, I rarely even thought about Faye’s daddy, and when I did, I’d half begun to believe the lies that he was my dearly departed fiancé. Suddenly, guilt is hanging off me like a pack of monkeys. I do not like how this feels, but for the life of me, I don’t know how to make the situation right.
When I get to the factory, the uncles and Zach are already there. Zach spots me and comes right over. He gives me the sweetest kiss and asks, “How’d you sleep?”
“Like hell. How about you?”
“Same,” he says. “How’s Shelby?”
“She was sleeping when I left. Mama said she’d keep me posted. What are you working on today?” I ask.
“We’re finishing the second floor and then we’ll get going on the model condo. Have you ordered the furnishings for it yet?”
“Not all of them,” I say. “I thought I’d pick up a few things when I go to New York to finish shopping for the store.”
His eyes open wide. “I didn’t know you were going back to New York.”
“I have to hit the Merchandise Mart and finish purchasing for the store. I suppose I could have gone to St. Louis or Atlanta, but I have longstanding relationships in New York. I’m hoping they’ll be willing to swing me some deals.”
“I wish I could come with you,” he says. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I mean, we’ve only just started dating. After the whole Armie Hammer incident—otherwise known as getting myself in the family way—I’m not sure I want to rush things with Zach. Firstly, because I don’t want to get pregnant again until I’m lawfully wed, and secondly, I’m being careful with my heart. I think it’s for the best if we don’t do the horizontal hokey pokey for a long while. As hard as that might be to resist.
“Do you like New York?” I ask, avoiding his comment about joining me.
“I like what I’ve seen in my limited time there,” he says.
“I miss the restaurants,” I tell him. “There’s this darling place in Central Park called the Boat House. They make the best crab cakes in the entire world.”
He smiles sweetly, “Maybe we can go there together some day.”
“That would be nice,” I tell him. And I mean it. Just not during this trip. This time I need to go alone. I have a lot to think about while I’m there. First and foremost, I need to decide if there’s anything to be done about finding Faye’s daddy. Suddenly, I think it may be worth a try. If for no other reason than to get rid of this overwhelming guilt that’s started smothering me.
Chapter Fifty-Four
Mama calls at two. “She lost the baby.”
“Oh, my word, that poor thing. How’s she doing?” I ask. I can only imagine all that Shelby has gone through in the last two months and what’s ahead of her. I don’t care what some folks say about it not being a baby until the third trimester. When that child is inside you and you already love it, it’s your baby, plain and simple.
“She’s been crying her heart out for the better part of an hour,” Mama says. “She’s in your room with Beau. Auntie Lee is making soup.”
“How’s Faye?” I ask, suddenly longing for her like she’s the air I need to breathe.
“She’s napping right now.”
“Mama,” I ask, “would you be willing to go to New York with me and Faye next week? I need someone to keep an eye on her while I’m shopping for the new store.”
“Why don’t you just leave her at home, honey? There’s no reason to drag her along.”
“I don’t think I can be apart from her just yet,” I tell her. Shelby losing her baby has put shaky ground beneath my feet.
Mama says, “Of course I’ll come. Faye and I can go exploring together. Maybe even do a little shopping of our own.”
“Thanks, Mama. Is there anything I can pick up for you or Shelby on my way home?”
“Beau’s gonna take her over to his place so he can take care of her for a few days, and I don’t need a thing. Just come home when you’re done there.”
I text Zach the news and he comes right down from where he’s working on the second floor. He opens his arms and I rush right in. The warmth of him, the smell of him, everything about him makes me feel secure. I could stand here all day.
“You heading home?” he asks.
“Pretty soon. I’ve barely gotten a thing done today.” My brain is totally occupied with thoughts about the fragility of life. “All I’ve managed to do is make hotel and airline reservations for my trip. I’m leaving for New York on Monday. I’ll be back Thursday.”
Zach looks sad to see me go. “Maybe I can get a couple days off and join you.”
I shake my head. “Mama and Faye are coming. Let’s plan another time for us.”
“Okay,” he agrees. “I’ll take you out for crab cakes and you can give me the grand tour.”
“It’s a date,” I tell him.
“What are you doing tonight?” he asks.
“Probably sitting around feeling bad for Shelby and Beau. You want to join me?”
“Yes, ma’am, I sure do. How about I pick up dinner and bring it to your house?” he asks.
“Mama will be there,” I tell him.
“That’s okay. This is the kind of time when family should stick together, dontcha think?”
“I do.” I like that he knows this, and I like that he considers himself part of that family. If Zach and I wind up together, he’ll be the only daddy that Faye will know. Maybe that’s enough. I know it’s a lot of pressure to put on our future, but it seems a much better chance of occurring than finding a needle in a haystack like locating her sperm donor.
When I get home, I discover Faye lying in her playpen sucking on her toes. I pick her up and love on her for a good long while. Mama comes into the living room and says, “I just changed the sheets in your room. Beau and Shelby have already gone.”
“How are they doing?” I ask, knowing full well they aren’t doing great.
“They have a lot to figure out,” Mama says.
“I guess so. I can’t help but wonder if this will
pull them closer together or cement a wedge between them.”
Mama grimaces a bit. “I guess it could go either way.”
“I selfishly liked the idea of Faye having a cousin close in age to her,” I say.
“Well, then you’d best get busy helping to find someone for Amelia and Davis, then. I’m pretty sure Beau isn’t thinking along those lines right now.”
“Mama, I told you before, I’m not going to stick my nose into anyone’s relationship business. Their hearts will lead them in the direction they’re meant to go.”
“Like your heart did with Zach?” she asks.
“Exactly.”
Mama smiles like she’s telling herself a whopper of an inside joke. She asks, “Are you seeing him tonight?”
“He’s coming over in an hour. He’s bringing dinner for us.”
“Sorry,” Mama says. “I told Jesse I’d have dinner with him. He’s got relationship troubles again.”
I ask, “Are you just saying that to give me and Zach time alone?”
“No. Your uncle is truly in a spot with a certain lady right now and he doesn’t know what to do. Although I’m happy to take Faye with me if you want some private time with your young man.”
I hold my daughter tighter. “No, ma’am, I don’t need anything as much as I need her. You go on along and give Jesse the benefit of your extremely limited dating experience.”
She smiles. “Just ’cause I never dated much before your daddy, doesn’t mean I don’t have good sense when it comes to relationships,” she says.
“I just think it’d be nice if you worried about your own social life as much as you worry about everyone else’s. Maybe instead of me getting all worked up trying to help my cousins find love, I’ll start working on you.”
“Don’t you dare!” she says. “I’ll have you know I’m still your mama and I could still take you over my knee.”
I laugh at her threats. “You and what army?” I ask. Then I say, “Don’t worry, Mama, I’ll leave you alone as long as you leave the cousins alone.”
She stares at me for so long without saying anything, I wonder if her mind has gone wandering. She finally says, “We’ll see.” Which makes it clear she’s going to do whatever she darn well pleases.
Chapter Fifty-Five
The week flies by like it booked a trip on the space shuttle. No one sees Beau or Shelby, so we can only hope they’re working their stuff out. We sent flowers and left messages of support, which is all we can do. The hard part, grieving their baby, is all on them.
Zach and I have dinner together every night and I feel us growing stronger, like we’re becoming a real couple. He’s gone from a super judgmental semi-stranger to someone I feel myself blending with. I still don’t know about his relationship with the gal who sent him running home, but it no longer matters. I told him about Armie Hammer, and the truth doesn’t bother him in the least. I’m sure I’d feel the same way about his past. In fact, I owe a debt of thanks to the woman who didn’t return his feelings. What a moron, huh?
The afternoon before I leave for New York, Zach and I go for a quiet stroll through the woods. He confesses, “I hated my daddy when he left. I hated him, but I cried myself to sleep every single night.”
“How old were you?” I asked.
“Four. I was four years old. I remember wondering what I did wrong that my own daddy chose to leave me.”
“Oh, Zach,” I say with tears springing up in my eyes, “you know it wasn’t you.”
“I do now, but I still wonder why he never tried to see me. What kind of man has a child and doesn’t move heaven and earth to be a part of its life? Your daddy would have sold his soul to stay alive and watch you grow into the amazing woman you are today.”
I love that he knows that, but I hate that he still hurts so much over an abandonment he couldn’t control. “Did your mama ever hear from him?
“Nope. She had to hunt him down through a private investigator to serve divorce papers,” he says.
“Maybe he was ashamed,” I offer.
“He should have been. But no amount of shame should keep a man from his child. Could you walk away from Faye?”
The question alone is an arrow to my heart. I barely managed to whisper, “Never.”
“When your daddy died, I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to tell you that I knew what it was like to lose your daddy, and I wanted to tell you that it was going to be okay.”
“Why didn’t you?” I ask, so full of awe that he even considered such a thing.
“Because I was a ten-year-old boy who wasn’t mature enough to follow through with a good plan.”
I ask, “I know it’s early days, but if you and I wind up together long term, you’d be a father figure to Faye. How does that make you feel?”
He stops walking and turns to look me in the eyes, before squeezing my hands. “Honored. It would make me feel honored.”
“Even though she isn’t yours?” I ask.
“Emmie, people can choose to be parents regardless of DNA. Parenthood is about love and trust and wanting to be there. Family is a choice. My father just didn’t choose us.”
We continue to walk quietly sharing a thoughtful silence. My daddy didn’t have a choice, Zach’s did. We both grew up without fathers and we have both been greatly affected by that deficit. At least I was lucky enough to have the uncles.
Once again, I think about Faye’s daddy, and I feel the weight of the whole world on me.
Zach drives us to the airport the following morning. I watch as he puts our suitcases in the back of his car and feel like I’m looking into the future. Mama gets Faye all situated in the seat next to her and I climb in front with my boyfriend. I’m calling him that now.
Zach pulls out of our driveway and says, “We could drive, then I could go with you.”
“No, thank you,” I laugh. “That would take days and I just want to get this trip over with.”
Mama says, “I remember driving to Florida when Emmie was a baby and I really don’t want to relive the experience.”
“Mama,” I admonish. “What kind of thing is that to say about your most cherished daughter?”
“Girl, you were sick as dog and threw up everything we put into you. The car smelled like something died in it.”
Zach teases, “That thought makes it a little easier to say goodbye to y’all for a few days.”
When we get to Cape Girardeau airport, he drops us off at the curb. He wanted to park and walk us in, but I don’t want to make this a dramatic scene. We’ve packed lightly, as we’ll only be gone for four days. I can easily manage our bags if Mama pushes Faye in her stroller.
Zach gives Mama a hug and instructs, “Take good care of our girls.” Ripples of pleasure rush through me that he considers us “his girls.” Then he kisses Faye on the top of her head and says, “Bye, sweet baby, you be good for your mama and gran.” He opens his arms to me, and I rush in to his embrace. He whispers in my ear, “I’m gonna miss you. Don’t go deciding you want to stay in New York again, okay?”
“As if,” I laugh. “No, sir, this is an in-and-out kind of trip. I wish I didn’t even have to go.”
He squeezes me tight. “I have a feeling it’s going to be good closure for you.”
I reach up and give him a tender kiss before saying, “I’m ready to put the past to bed and move forward.” Then I step out of his arms and lead the Frothingham gals through the airport to our gate.
I loved my years in New York City. The energy was exhilarating. There’s something about being able to order Chinese food at midnight that sends a shot of excitement through me. But I’m a mama now and if I’m still up at midnight, I’m going to be tired the whole next day. Babies have a way of shifting your priorities to more mundane pleasures, like sleeping.
Our flight is a breeze, and we arrive at the hotel well before dinner time. We’re staying at a boutique hotel on the Upper East Side, not too far away from the Metropolitan Museum of Art—home of The
Event that started my new life.
Once we check in and get everything sorted in our room, I suggest, “Let’s head out to dinner. We shouldn’t have to deal with big crowds if we eat early.”
Mama says, “I want Thai food. I love Creek Water, but it’s not exactly a hotbed of ethnic cuisine, if you know what I mean?”
I do know. It’s one of the things I miss about city living. Actually, now that I’m here, I realize it might be the only thing. I’ve adjusted to a calm and quiet life. The car horns, the crush of people, the constant motion—it’s all too much.
We take an Uber downtown to my favorite Thai restaurant, Uncle Boon’s, on Spring Street. I swear we could have walked there faster. We should have just ridden the subway, but Mama has a fear of them. She claims she feels like she’s in a scene from a movie called Blade Runner, whatever that is. So, we stay above ground and creep along like snails on a skating pond. After a delicious meal that has Mama claiming she needs to eat here three more times before we go home, we take a car back to the hotel.
When we’re a few blocks away, I see the bar where I met Faye’s daddy. I ask Mama, “Would you mind taking Faye back to the hotel by yourself?”
“Not at all, honey. Where are you going?”
“You see that place up ahead called Cezanne’s?” When she nods, I continue, “That’s where I met Faye’s daddy. I just want to go in for a minute.”
“Why in the world?” Mama asks. “You hoping to run into him or something?”
“The chances of that would be slim to none. Plus, I have Zach now, so it’s not like I’m interested in anything. I just feel like I need to go in, is all.” The truth is I do kind of want to see if he shows up. I just can’t let go the idea of telling him that he has a daughter. But then if I do tell him, I wonder how that would mess things up with Zach. It’s a lot to consider. Truthfully, it’s such a long shot I’m sure it won’t even matter.
The Uber drops me at the curb and I just stand there staring at the entrance like it leads to another world. I try to remember what I was feeling the night I came here after losing the award. I swear I see a version of myself all dressed walking up the street in my direction. She hurries into the bar. I wonder if I’m being fanciful or if my doppelgänger is real. Either way, I follow her.
The Event Page 18
