by Jamie Knight
I slipped a look in his direction and wondered if he was hesitating because of the look on my face, or if it was something else. I felt completely betrayed. And I was sure that he sensed it. He shook his head like he changed his mind about saying something, quickly said goodbye, and walked out the door, letting it slam hard behind him.
Chapter 21
Natalie
I stood there for a minute, letting the quiet of the house envelop me. When I was sure that he was gone, I burst into tears. It was like a dam was breaking because, once I started, I couldn't stop. I cried loud, sobbing tears. I ran to my room, my vision blurry while I ran, and threw myself on the bed. The sobs ripped through my body, shaking me, and the bed right along with it.
I felt so sad. Just when I thought that things were okay, that maybe there was a chance of something happening between us, this steps in the way. And blindsides me. I couldn't believe this was happening.
I grabbed my phone from the edge of my bed and texted Grace.
Me: It's over. Bradley went on a date. The plan failed and now there's nothing that I can do but sit here and cry.
Typing the words in my phone made me feel that sense of helplessness all over again, starting another avalanche of tears.
The tears definitely came because I was sad, but also because I was angry. It actually made me mad, being so sad. I was angry for expecting that anything could have happened between us in the first place. Why would someone his age, someone who was close friends with my dad, even want me in that way? The more questions that raced through my mind, the more tears seemed to flow.
My phone notification went off.
Grace: I'm so sorry, Natalia. That really sucks.
Me: I know. And now, I don't know what to do.
I sat with my phone in my hand, staring at the screen, waiting for a response. The screen went black and I could see my reflection. My eyes were beet red and my face was wet. I looked terrible. But, it didn't matter in that moment. The only thing that mattered to me was that I had somehow let the chance to get Bradley's attention slip right through my fingers.
I felt like I had driven him into the arms of another woman. Maybe he had seen through my childish antics at trying to seduce him and decided to do what grown ups do. I had so many questions that I felt would be left unanswered now that he had shifted his romantic attention somewhere else. Surely, he would have no interest in seeing where something could spark between us.
The phone dinged again. I pulled it closer to my face, eager to read her response.
Grace: Well, it seems the only thing left to do now is to nurse your wounds over Haagen- Daaz and good movies.
I burst into tears again, tears I didn't even know that I had left inside of my body after all of the tears that I had already cried. I texted her back, telling her thanks for the advice, and threw my phone back across the bed. I la
there staring up at the ceiling for a few minutes, trying to pull myself together.
As sad as I was, I knew that I would have to find a way to get over it. I had no choice. I didn't want to drive myself crazy, vying for the attention of a man that I could never have. There were jail cells and mental hospitals for people like that, and I didn't want to be added to their ranks.
I dragged myself out of the bed and headed straight for the freezer. I knew that my carton of mint chocolate ice cream had been left untouched, since my dad hated it. But he always made sure there was a carton of it waiting for me when I needed it.
That was one thing that my mother made sure my father knew.
When I was younger and there was potentially upsetting news, my mom would grab the carton of ice cream out of freezer and sit it on the counter. It was how I knew that she had news that was going to be upsetting.
I remember her sitting me down one time when I was twelve, and telling me about my dog, Bella. She was my beloved companion since I was two years old, and she had gotten cancer.
My mother told me that she was already working with the vet to come up with a good treatment plan for her, but she just wanted me to know what was going on. Over the next few months, I waited for Bella to deteriorate but she continued to look strong and healthy, stumping the doctors.
I came home from school one day and Bella wasn't there. My mom was sitting at the kitchen table with a container of ice cream. I broke down in tears before she had a chance to even tell me anything.
“Why are you crying?” my mom asked, a worried look on her face.
“Because you have ice cream,” I said, hiccupping out my words. “I know that when you have ice cream, it must be something bad. What's going on?”
She stared at the table like she was trying to figure out the best way to give me really bad news. She sighed heavily before speaking.
“It's about Bella, honey,” she said, wringing her hands nervously. “She was limping so I had to take her into the vet. They’re keeping her there for observation and testing. They don’t know what will happen.”
Tears slipped from the corner of her eyes before she had a chance to turn her face and wipe them away.
“Mom, is this really bad?” I asked, starting to get scared.
My mom almost never cried. The last time that I had seen her cry was at my grandfather's funeral. So, for her to be sitting there crying, I just feared the worst. She was almost as attached to Bella as I was.
“Honey, I... it just hit me that Bella isn’t always going to be with us. I know the vet told us that months ago, but I guess it really hadn’t hit home because she was such a tough cookie. Now that the signs are pointing to her deterioration, I’m just trying to get us ready for the bad news. I don’t know how to do it. How do I help you through this?”
She stopped talking, like the words pained her. She looked at me, her eyes full of sorrow.
I thought I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I knew what my mom was feeling when it came to Bella. She had been my first friend. With all the traveling our family had done, I knew that I would always have her as my trusted companion. Hearing my mother speak these hard truths really hurt, even though I was starting to understand what she was saying, and even wanting to make her feel better. I guess I was starting to grow up.
“You know what, Mom?” I asked her, putting my arm around her. “I don’t think there is any way to get through it except to just do it. At least we still have each other. And this ice cream. Can I have some?”
That had elicited a small smile from her, and we shared the rest of the carton. Bella eventually returned home from the vet, with stronger pain meds. It was the beginning of a sharper decline, but not the end, for her— it wasn’t as bad or as imminent as we had feared and Bella continued to defy the odds for quite a while after that.
But I had no idea how much that little talk with my mom would resonate in my mind with the passing of time. Years later, after my mom had died, I looked back at that moment as preparing me for the loss of my mother. Of course, nothing could have ever fully prepared me for that moment, but the depth of loss was one that touched me to my core.
Now, I didn’t even have my mom. But, I still had Grace. And ice cream.
Don't get me wrong; I wasn't saying that I felt anything close to that with Bradley. We had hardly known each other but a few days. I was well aware that what I had been feeling was something simmering, just beneath the surface. Thinking about him made me feel good. Being near him made me imagine things that made me smile. And while I knew that what I had been imagining was basically impossible, it felt wonderful.
I wanted that feeling to continue and grow, not to fall flat like this. I had thought that things were finally starting to go well in my life and that I could have happiness. Instead, he left.
And to go on a date with another woman. Who was she? Where did she come from? He hadn't even mentioned anything about another woman.
But, then again, his love life hadn't been the topic of conversation. We spent our time talking about everything but love. The few run-ins that
we did have seemed to toe the line made me on edge, more or less. All I had been trying to do is see how we could kick-start things so that they could really get interesting.
I got my ice cream and a spoon and headed for the couch. I had been saving a movie in the DVR recorder for a day just like this, a day when I just wanted to dive into the center of my emotions and let them all hang out.
It was The Notebook. It was such a sweet, romantic tale that I got drawn into it every time. It made me think of a simpler time when love was real. And it made me want that for myself.
I cried at the sad parts, dabbing my face with tissues that I had wadded up, watching little droplets of tears fall into my carton of ice cream. I didn't care, though. I felt as if everything was completely hopeless, so who cared if I was crying into my ice cream and eating my own tears?
Chapter 22
Natalia
The movie was just about wrapping up when I heard the door open and Bradley walked through the door. I yelled out, startled, startling him in the process.
“We have got to stop greeting each other like this,” he said, comically, while grinning.
That grin, along with the look on his face, communicated his ease and lack of ease all at the same time. I must’ve seemed like a little child, compared to all he’d seen and done. God, he was so cool and collected.
I smiled brightly despite being angry at him for going on a date. I just couldn’t seem to help myself.
“I just didn’t expect to see you home so soon,” I said.
“Yeah, you and me both,” he said, sighing dejectedly.
He leaned against the wall by the door, absentmindedly rubbing his neck, staring off into the distance as if he were trying to figure out a puzzle. It seemed he wasn’t sure whether he should talk to me, or maybe he wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted to say.
“Well, it's good to see you,” I said, hoping that I didn't sound as desperate as I was feeling.
“Yeah, you too...” he said, his voice trailing off.
He walked off toward the direction of his bedroom, leaving me standing and looking after him. I went and sat on the couch, glancing around the corner, down the hall every now and then to see if he was going to come out and join me.
I could see the light on from under his door and couldn't help but wonder what he was doing. After a while, I looked again and saw that the light was off. My heart sank a little.
“Hey, you want some company?” came his voice from the darkness. I almost jumped again, but I was happy to know that he was still awake, and had apparently decided we should talk.
“Sure,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant. But, really, I wanted to jump up and do a happy dance.
He was dressed in PJ pants and a tank top and looked as sad as I felt. I asked myself if I really wanted to find out everything that had happened on this date of his, or if there are some things that are better left unsaid and unknown. I contented myself with sitting next to him and just being in his presence.
“Where's the popcorn?” he asked, looking all over for it.
“No popcorn tonight,” I said, holding up my empty carton of ice cream. “Haagen-Daaz was the treat for the night.”
“Mint chocolate,” he said, his eyes lighting up. “My favorite. Do you mind?”
He reached for the empty carton before I had a chance to say anything and frowned with exaggeration when he saw that it was empty. He was so hilarious and genuine at the same time, that I didn’t know if I could let out my laugh. He scraped the spoon around in the empty carton, looking so sad.
“Not many people like mint chocolate ice cream,” I said, crossing my arms.
“Tell me about it,” he said. “I think that I started eating it for that very reason. Living in a small house with tons of people coming and going all the time, you learn little secrets to keeping what you want. I found that having interests and tastes that were different from other people helped with that. While my brothers were busy ripping through all of the other snacks in the house, I rested easy at night knowing that my mint chocolate chip ice cream would be sitting pretty in the freezer. I guess I'll have no such luck here.”
He sighed, faking the intensity again.
I giggled uncontrollably and unexpectedly. I knew I thought he was sexy but I was beginning to also see just how much I also loved the laughter he made in me. That’s sexy too.
He sat the carton on the table and leaned back. Now that his grinning and winking had stopped, he actually looked worn out.
Quickly, I remembered the other mint chocolate chip carton in the freezer. I volunteered, “How about I get another? I always keep a spare on hand.”
Before he could answer, I jumped up from the couch and ran into the kitchen. I grabbed a bag of popcorn and dumped it into a bowl. I pulled out the other carton of ice cream and grabbed another spoon.
I checked my reflection in the glass on the cabinet before returning to the living room to make sure that I looked okay. Other than my hair being a bit frizzy from the approach of summer, I had to admit that I looked pretty good.
I marched back into the living room, snacks in hand, and plopped next to Bradley on the couch. I sat right next to him, feeling the warmth of his leg against mine. This time, he didn't move away. That made me feel happy and more hopeful.
“I hope you don't mind that I've put on a different movie,” he said, sounding apologetic. “I just can't take the depressing stuff right now.”
I looked up at the screen and saw that he was watching a comedy. Had I been thinking, I would have realized that that probably would have been a better idea in terms of cheering me up rather than watching a sad romantic movie.
But, I knew that I wasn't going to pay attention to the new movie anyway, now that Bradley was sitting there. I was more curious about how his date had gone, despite also wondering if finding out about it would lead to more harm than good.
“So, how did your date go?” I asked, drawing my legs up under me and angling my body so that I could see him better.
He winced and shook his head.
“Let's just say that it was definitely ice cream-worthy,” he said. A laugh spilled out of my mouth before I had a chance to think.
“Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I don't mean to laugh. But, I have been there. I was always under the impression that only women drowned their sorrows in a carton of ice cream.”
“Oh no,” he said, shaking his head vigorously. “Men do the same thing. We just do it secretly, so that no one will know. I, on the other hand, proudly wear my ice cream eating binges like a badge of honor.”
He smiled, as his heavy fist rapped on his hard chest.
“Okay, what happened?” I asked, my curiosity starting to get the better of me, but also suspicion. “You're such an amazing, charming, and handsome man. How in the world could any date with you not be awesome?”
“Why, thank you… for the compliment,” he said, smiling graciously with a hint of coolness behind his sharp eyes. “But I have a confession to make.”
“Well, what is it?” I asked, genuinely curious now. I felt stabs of jealousy but also intrigue as I wondered what this confession could be.
“I didn’t really have a date today,” he said.
I looked at him in shock, my mouth hanging open. What? No date? If he had only known the agony I had gone through, thinking of him on this non-existent date. I guessed I should feel happy that it hadn’t happened, but I was more stunned, and rather upset that he had lead me into thinking that there was a date when there wasn’t.
I was too surprised to say anything. My eyes were glued to him as he continued.
“I went on a dating app because I thought I needed to find something— someone— to distract me from… everything. But I couldn’t end up going through with it. I just felt that the timing wasn’t right. And then I got a job interview, so I thought I should show up for that instead.”
I stared at him in confusion. So that was why he was so dressed up, claiming t
o be going on a date in the middle of the day. It all made more sense now. Except it also brought up a couple more questions. Ones that were so burning inside me, I couldn’t help but ask them.
Chapter 23
Natalia
“Why did you not want to go on a date?” I asked Bradley.
He opened his mouth and then closed it again, looking hesitant. I could tell he wanted to say something more and then thought better of it.
“I’ve been afraid to show my scars for the first time to anyone,” he finally said. “I don’t think I’m ready.”
I looked over at him and saw the redness in his eyes. They held a pained look of loneliness, one that I knew all too well.
It was then that I realized that he hadn't been with anyone since his accident. I could see that he didn’t want his first attempt at anything romantically to be rejected, because of his accident, which was the very thing that made him self-conscious.
“I’m sure they’re not as bad as you think they are,” I tried to reassure him.
“They’re pretty bad,” he said, with a sigh. “I noticed the nurse flinch when she pulled back the sheets in my hospital bed. And she’s a trained professional, experienced at seeing such things and dealing with such patients. It was obviously still shocking, even to her. I can only imagine what a woman that I wanted to get… intimate… with might think of them.”
I couldn’t believe that nurse. It made me angry that someone could be so shallow. Here he was, an incredible man, one with virtue and honor, something that you didn't find every day, and because of something as superficial as an accident, she flinched. Even though I knew it was probably a visceral reaction she couldn’t control, I still wished I could go give her a piece of my mind.
However, while I was angry that he had gone through that, part of me felt relieved that he didn’t go on the date, for whatever reason. It gave me the chance to spend more time with him. This was it and I was going for it. It was time I asked him my other question.
