Jesus! I thought to myself. I’m really back at WS&X.
“Janet,” Larry said, “can you call Lady Frolics and Hagan to my office?”
Hagan was the associate who padded his hours. He (in)famously said that his best ideas came to him when he was “pinching a loaf” while reading the New York Daily Digest on his tablet. Lady Frolics was the partner caught dancing while reading fashion magazines in the refreshment suites. Since I’d just returned to work, I didn’t know what they’d been up to, but I knew they were in trouble.
Lots of it.
Hagan arrived first. At almost seven foot two, with a bald head, a droopy right eyelid, and gold-rimmed aviator glasses, he walked like a tall man who derived a lot of pleasure from having people look up to him. He also invited junior associates to his office, where he asked them if they thought they were special because they’d gotten a job at WS&X, and he sent them out to get him coffee or lunch. Hannah had confronted him about his bullying the year before, and he’d told her she was a c***. I told Hannah to report Hagan to Larry.
“No, Janet,” Hannah said, “I’ll have Hagan’s job when he’s forgotten about calling me the c-word. Write this down, Janet. Within a year, I’ll have his job, and he won’t know it was me. I’m going to strike just before bonus time, and I’m going to take him down with his mentor, Lady Frolics, who offered him the job and who also talks to women like we’re shit. I’ll have their balls for bangles.”
“What’s up, Larry,” Hagan said as he took a seat in Larry’s office.
“Who asked you to sit?” Larry asked. “Get your bony ass up!”
Lady Frolics walked into Larry’s office.
“There he is!” Lady Frolics said as he greeted Larry. “How’s it going, man?”
“Janet,” Larry called. “Can you come in here and take notes for us, please? Hannah, join us.”
As I walked into Larry’s office, Hannah smiled and whispered, “Bloodbath. Hannah strikes again.”
“Close the door, Hagan,” Larry said. “And those comfy seats are for people I like. Janet and Hannah, please take a seat. You two, stand.”
“Larry,” Lady Frolics asked, “can we do this in private, whatever it is?”
“We could do it with the door open if you like,” Larry said.
“Sure,” Lady Frolics said. “We’re all friends here.”
Hannah smiled and opened the door.
“Our biggest client has complained that you, Hagan, have a habit of padding your hours and boasting about it. They’ve had someone review the hours you’ve submitted over the past six months, and they’ve concluded that you inflate your hours by at least 30 percent. So, you’ve billed, let me see, 1,256 hours to them over the past six months. It couldn’t have taken you more than 879 hours to do the work you’ve done for them, and that’s, that’s even pushing it. Amandine, Andy, and I agree, and we’ve also talked with other associates, who confirmed that you boast about padding your hours. You’re fired, Hagan. Get your stuff and get out.”
“Can you keep me till the end of the month?” Hagan asked.
Hagan no doubt was thinking about his bonus, which was paid at the end of February; we were in the first week of February 2038.
“Larry,” Hannah said, “I don’t mean to speak out of turn, but I think it’s only fair that Hagan gets his bonus.”
“Do you want to lose your bonus?” Larry asked Hannah, whom I knew was delighted at her revenge. I knew it was likely executed through Mike, which turned out to be true. “You’ll leave with him if you keep talking, Hannah.”
“I promised my girl,” Hagan begged, “that I’d take her business class to Cambodia with my bonus. And we have a kid who needs braces.”
“You’ve just conceded that you’re a fraud,” Larry said, “and the only thing you’re worried about now is a bonus? Pack your stuff and get out of my firm! Now! Janet, please call security.”
Hagan walked out, and Hannah looked anguished as he left. It was a star performance by Hannah.
With Hagan gone, Lady Frolics was left.
“You were the partner in charge,” Larry said to Lady Frolics. “So, the client looked at all your hours as well and concluded that you were padding your hours by about 15–20 percent each month. Knowing you, I’d say it’s even higher, at least 20–30 percent each month because you haven’t brought in a penny of business for years, you parasitically live off the rest of us, and you don’t carry your weight. The words ‘business development’ mean shit to you. Where did you go to law school again? Wait, don’t answer that. Goodbye!”
Lady Frolics looked stunned, and Larry gave him his billing sheets and the report from the Hoviaks.
“Do you deny it?” Larry asked.
Lady Frolics was quiet.
“That’s why I made you a non-equity partner,” Larry said. “Your contract is up for renewal at the end of this month, and I’m not renewing it. As a courtesy, I’ll put in a good word for you in the state attorney general’s office. They’re always hiring people who can’t take the weather at this altitude, but don’t expect to be employed by any law firm in the state. If you or Hagan slander me, my firm, or our client, I’ll bury you by dinner.”
Hannah took a deep breath, and I could tell she was satisfied.
Lady Frolics’s eyes were moist, and I felt terrible for him. Larry had bullied him for years. Although I must admit that I enjoyed the firings because Lady Frolics was one of the male partners who looked down on me, I felt terrible.
“I want you gone today,” Larry ordered Lady Frolics. “I always knew you were nothing, and now you know you’re nothing. And now there are two witnesses to the fact that you’re nothing. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Lady Frolics said nothing in response.
“I thought so,” Larry said. “You’re an embarrassment to yourself and to this firm, stealing from my clients.”
Lady Frolics walked out of Larry’s office, head held low.
“Janet,” Larry said, “call security for that one as well, please. Get him off my premises.”
Hannah looked at me and smiled.
“What was that little performance about, Hannah?” Larry asked. “If I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t put it past you to orchestrate their departure, but I discussed this with Andy and Amandine, and we’re certain that this came directly from the client. If you’d had anything to do with it, I would have fired you, too. I don’t take orders from my employees. Anyway, I wanted you both here as witnesses. Janet, enter the notes you’ve taken into the system, and Hannah, you saw how we take a partner down. When you run this place one day, don’t ever let feelings get in the way of money. Hear me?”
Hannah nodded and bit her lip.
“Men,” Hannah said at my desk, “have gotten away with this kind of stuff for way too long, calling us all sorts of names. I think I like this. Goodbye, Hagan. Goodbye, Lady Frolics. I think I’ll love being a partner.”
A short while later, Andy came by my desk, smiling. “Miss us, Janet?” He laughed and walked away.
I looked at the photos I’d brought with me of my kids and Mauru. I needed a pick-me-up, and seeing the photos of my family made everything seem normal again, whatever “normal” now meant at WS&X. In one photo, Mauru had Nate on his shoulder with Jon beside him, smiling. In another, all six of us were seated on our patio. Nathalie was on my lap, Nathaniel was on Mauru’s, and Jon and Nate were playing a board game at our feet; my Dad had took the photo.
In another photo, we were all at La Jolla Shores with my parents, Mauru’s parents, and Elisa, who came to visit just after the twins were born.
The final photo, the oldest of them all, was from the fourth date Mauru and I went on. We went indoor skydiving, and I was laughing at the end of it all, surprised I was still alive as Mauru reached out to me with both arms.
LSD and Lawrence, both new hires, walked up to my desk and asked if they could talk to Larry.
“What about?” I asked.
“Vitamin D,”
LSD said. “We need more vitamin D, Janet.”
“That’s not helping me,” I said. “Larry’s booked all through this afternoon, and he’ll want to know why you want to see him.”
“Hi, Janet,” Lawrence said. Lawrence had red hair, freckles, and a smile that made me smile. “Welcome back,” he said. “It really is about vitamin D. The firm has all the new associates in windowless interior rooms, so we’re not getting any sunlight. It’s been six months now without natural light. It’s kind of depressing. You have to wait till your first anniversary before you get a room with a view—”
“Of dusty San Diego,” LSD said.
For years, I’d heard the new associates complain about the internal offices with no natural light. Hannah’d complained when she joined the firm, to no effect, and so had Hagan, who had just been fired.
I knew that Larry wouldn’t listen to LSD and Lawrence, and he’d send them back to their offices and tell them to wait their turn.
“You’re not gonna get that room with a view,” I told them. “Ask Hannah.”
“We did,” LSD said, “and she suggested a doctor’s note, which she didn’t have when she was new.”
I walked into Larry’s office and explained the situation, save the part about Hannah. Larry was irritated, but he told me to send them in.
“What’s this about vitamin D?” he asked LSD and Lawrence.
“So, um, Larry,” LSD began. “So, um, we love being here. We love our jobs, and we love working for you.”
“When I was at law school,” Lawrence told Larry, “it was my dream to work for you. I’d read about you in America’s Great Lawyers, and I wanted to be just like you. Still do.”
Larry scratched his chin.
“We wouldn’t want to work anywhere else,” LSD said.
“So, take an over-the-counter vitamin D capsule,” Larry said. “Don’t even need a prescription.”
“That’s the thing, Larry,” LSD said. “We can get our vitamin D through a supplement or through the sun, and both are stored in the body’s fat cells till needed to provide the necessary minerals for our bones. Vitamin D is an essential mineral.”
“Both LSD and I have been feeling weak and a little down,” Lawrence said. “So, we checked in with our doctors and had full blood work done.”
“Low vitamin D levels,” LSD said. She looked as if someone had just told her she had an hour to live.
“And LSD and I got to talking after,” Lawrence said, “and we realized that both our doctors had said low vitamin D levels, which can be cured by giving us more access to direct sunlight. Initially, I thought it was all kooky hokum, Larry, but my doctor explained that we have vitamin D receptors in our skin that produce vitamin D3 when they’re exposed to the sun. It’s kind of awesome if you think about it.”
“The difference between the capsule and natural light,” LSD said, “is that the natural stuff gives you a little buzz because of the direct exposure to the sun, which also relieves the tension and the blues associated with sun deprivation.”
“Well, Larry.” Lawrence ran his left hand across his forehead, which had beads of sweat. “It’s basically light deprivation.”
“Yeah, yeah,” LSD said. “Light deprivation, Larry.”
“Janet,” Larry said from his office, “can you get these two bullshitters offices with windows? Light deprivation, my ass!”
LSD and Lawrence smiled.
“Thank you so much, Larry.” LSD smiled. “If it weren’t a medical emergency, we wouldn’t have asked.”
“Medical emergency, my ass!”
“You’re the man, Larry.” Lawrence grinned. “My hero.”
Hannah and I looked at each other. Hannah shook her head, rolled her eyes, and continued drafting a brief.
LSD and Lawrence gave each other a high five as they walked down the corridor.
I looked at the number of e-mails waiting for me.
471.
I had to start somewhere.
I sorted them. Nineteen were from Larry, seven from Amandine, four from Andy, and about fifty were from lawyers and staff at the firm—all sent between the previous night and that morning. The rest were spam, job applications, and roughly thirty were death threats of various kinds for representing the Hoviaks.
“FUCK YOU LARRY WAGON REPRESETING [sic] THE DEVIL JEREMIAH TREHOVIAK!!! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!!! AND I AM THE ONE TO MAKE YOU PAY!!! PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BREATHE!!!”
“I truly hate you, Janet WAGON SHUT [sic] & XEBEC. If I ever see you alone, prepare to see your maker. You will die for sleeping with the devil, ANTON. Beastiality [sic] is a SIN. Ha ha ha [sic].”
“Jehovah is the only GOD! Bow down before it’s two [sic] late. SCRIMMAGE IS A LIE! IT’S NOT A PRAYER ALLOWED BY GOD! Billionairs [sic] go to heel [sic]. REMEMBER Revelation 21:8: ‘“But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.’”
“Amandine, I’d love to chain you up in a cellars [sic] and beat you for months and make you suffer till you realize that you are inferior to me. Then I will kill you in front of your piece-of-shit husband. Traitor!”
“Andrew, you are ugly, and your mother should have shut her legs when you came out. Your pillow also wants to suffocate your ugly mug every night.”
“California Water Party are liberal criminals out to destroy the United States. If they come to Texas, we will take care of them real good [sic].”
“Janet Virdis is secretary to Satan incarnate, worse than Hitler. How dare you represent the anti-Christ with his own beliefs against Jesus and prayers! Scrimmage is sinful. You will burn in hell for this. 2 Thessalonians 1:9.”
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose [sic] got the worst teeth of them all? JANET WHITAKER VIRDIS!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Hey, Janet. You stinking, Janet. Death, Janet. You’re gonna die, Janet.”
I felt nauseous. I stood up and wanted to puke, so I ran to the restroom and did just that. My mouth tasted like it was filled with venom afterward, the poisonous residue of what I’d been reading. I brushed my teeth and rinsed my mouth with mouthwash, which WS&X provided in all the restrooms.
Then I felt mad, really mad. I could have taken a baseball bat to a few legs.
I marched to Larry’s office, and I told him about the messages.
“I didn’t sign up for this, Larry. What is WS&X doing to ensure that we’re safe? I’m not going to have anyone threaten me, and I’m not going to be afraid for my family, either. What is WS&X doing to ensure my safety?”
Larry looked at me, speechless.
Speechless is not an answer, so I marched to my desk, picked up the phone, and I called 911. I told them that a hate crime was in progress at WS&X, and I wanted someone to do something about it or I wouldn’t be paying my state taxes that year. I’d also be writing to the state attorney general’s office. Didn’t they know that—
Larry disconnected the call as he stood at my desk.
The emergency services called back, and I picked up. I covered the receiver with one hand as Larry gestured to me to end the call and come to his office. Calming down, I told 911 that things seemed to be OK for now, but I’d definitely call back if the hate crime continued. The woman on the other end of the line told me that they could dispatch someone right now if I needed it, and Larry stared at me with one of those impatient looks of his and gestured for me to join him in his office.
“Already taken care of,” Larry said as I entered his office. “And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.”
“What’s been taken care of, Larry?”
He gestured for me to close the door.
“The messages,” he said. “They’ve been taken care of, Janet.”
“How do you know?” I asked. “They’re still on my computer.”
“I can’t go into detail,” he sighed. “But the assholes who sent
them have been found, and it’s all been taken care of. That’s all I can say about that.”
“What if others send me messages, Larry?”
“About fifteen people received messages, including myself, Amandine, Andy, Hannah, and a few staff members. I’ve received over a hundred death threats of various kinds. Some voice mails as well. Jeremiah gave an interview that you might have missed in which he said he doesn’t believe in God. He believes in the Right Path. He said that many people in his organization are strong believers in every possible religion, and they’re important parts of the ‘CWP family,’ but the Right Path is not about any religion. It’s about our beliefs concerning who we are and where we’re going as a country. He also responded to a question in which he was asked whether he’d held his fundraiser here at WS&X and why he’d done so. He confirmed that he’d held it here, and he said that he had his reasons for doing so, which he didn’t need to disclose.
“The crazies then sent us their threats. All I can tell you is that we can’t anticipate who will send such messages, and the CWP doesn’t want us putting filters into our e-mail system. Don’t ask. We just obey. We share all the hate e-mails with them and all the metadata, and they take care of it.”
“That’s crazy, Larry,” I said.
“It is what it is,” Larry said. “Anton was clear. They want to know what is said, and they want to deal with it in their own way. All mail coming to the mailroom is now sorted at an offsite facility belonging to the Water Party. I know. Don’t tell me about the risks we run, but it is the way it is now. They’re good clients. They pay up on time, and they’ve never disputed a bill, even when they detected fraud by the two assholes I fired. You’re an essential part of the WS&X family, Janet. We don’t want to lose you. We’re giving you a 5 percent salary raise with your bonus this month, and we’ll be paying for your kids’ day care and education going forward. We can discuss the details later. That’s how much we appreciate you here. As long as we have the CWP accounts, I can guarantee you a 5 percent salary increase each year going forward, and a 10 percent bonus each February and June, starting this month.”
“Ten percent!” I blurted out. “You want me to put up with death threats, hate messages, and you want me to work for people who visit others in the early hours of the morning, then I want a 10 percent salary increase, starting this month, not 5 percent, Larry. I’ll also take the 10 percent bonus every February and another 10 percent bonus every June, as well as the day care and education costs. I also want 100 percent matching on my 401k contributions and—”
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