dire emergency. Operating a Remedy Station is quite simple. Simply find one and follow the printed instructions. The various implements, sprays, and cabling at your disposal are securely locked behind reinforced plastex for security reasons. In the event of a calamity, remain calm. To gain access, press the buttons in the correct order. Then, indicate the nature of the emergency at hand by flipping the switches in the designated pattern. Finally, to submit your application, apply pressure according to the timing specified in the printed instructions. Due to heightened terrorist activity, each Remedy Station is operated differently. Remember, the boys over at Control care about your wellbeing and that of your friends and family. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, Lady Lagrange was spotted last weekstretch enjoying a little exercise and relaxation at Groind's Gym and Sauna D-4 sector. As you may recall, Lady Lagrange was once the host of “Audition For Freedom”, the popular vidshow where criminals elect to defend themselves against their accusers in an open forum instead of submitting to the ordinary investigative apparatus. Her sudden and unannounced departure from the show sparked some debate, but her recent public appearances should lay to rest any doubts about her retirement.
And now for some public service announcements.
The repository of forms on X.net operated by Central Management will be temporarily taken offline tomorrow for a period of zero to two hundred and seventy-six hourstretches. Please plan accordingly. In addition, upgrades to the metro line in W sector may result in delays to regularly scheduled trains. A taxi service at all affected stations will be provided free of charge by Yellowpod (TM), a private firm working for the Production and Logistics conglomerate. Please have your tickets ready for inspection. Thank you for your cooperation.
The Color of the Patriot is flashbang.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and Beta clearance citizen, is a terrorist and a spy. That's right, ladies and gentlemen! He's been fooling us all along with his glib boardroom maneuvers and doctored financial reports. Incontrovertible proof of his direct involvement in the illegal disposal of forms from Central Management's preliminary filing stations has been found inside the Wellness Pyramid T-4 sector. That's right! Wired with the most sensitive of alarms, we were able to slip an agent past the tightly guarded perimeter and take a peek inside. We found forms. Stacks upon stacks of unprocessed forms. Forms that you, good citizens, took the time to fill out and submit, and which subsequently disappeared into a bureaucratic void. Who would commit such a heinous crime is anyone's guess, although we have our suspicions. Citizen Milfred is clearly enjoying the protection of someone else, most likely one of the most highly trusted citizens in the Bunker. And we all know how close his relationship is with Alpha clearance citizen and Chief Architect in Residence at H&C, Andreas Fokker! How else could citizen Milfred have arranged a storage depot in the middle of T-4 sector and the transport of tons of paperwork without anyone noticing? We therefore demand a full investigation! We will accept nothing less than the complete and unadulterated truth.
In other news, Milfred Roth, celebrity manager and Beta clearance citizen, is a patriot and a hero. As we all know, citizen Milfred is in a unique position to uncover graft and corruption in boardrooms everywhere. As it was, the constant barrage of senseless reporting concerning the Wellness Pyramid T-4 sector demanded his immediate attention. He arranged an appointment on the board of Divergent Investments Ltd (TM), a holding firm specializing in real estate development and the owner of the Wellness Pyramid. The Chairman of the Board, Beta clearance citizen Emmet Struxton, quickly came to resent his bothersome inquiries but fortunately could do nothing to forestall them. A quick visit to the Wellness Pyramid (accompanied by a thought leader in case of an emergency) revealed that the structure is, in fact, as abandoned as it ever was. The building crews bustling about the place, the security precautions, even the offensive blown sludge leaking into the corridors were all a ruse. Further investigation revealed that citizen Emmet is closely associated with Alpha clearance citizen Rita Fiddlemack, General Secretary of Human Resources' Secretariat and the owner of several private media outlets, including Today's Edition (TM). Known for charging exorbitant rates for advertising space, citizen Rita conspired with citizen Emmet to block out the actual events of the Bunker with this constant stream of falsehoods concerning the Wellness Pyramid. This distraction was meant to buy citizen Rita time to renegotiate contracts with her sponsors while at the same time proving she could shape the news at her whim and discretion. Citizens, this blatant violation of the public trust cannot go unanswered! We demand a full investigation into citizen Emmet Struxton's activities and the punishment of his associates, whatever their security clearance. The editorial board of Today's Edition (TM) will accept nothing less than the complete and unadulterated truth.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Every once in a while we receive emails from citizens concerned about the loyalty of their husband or wife. They report feeling torn between their loyalty to Control and their love for their spouse. Well, citizens, however you look at it, it is impossible to be in love with a traitor. If you have reason to doubt your loved ones' virtue, your only option is to report them to the proper authorities or risk criminal charges yourself. No one is punished who is undeserving. Remember, the safety and wellbeing of the Bunker starts at home. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, tomorrow is Kiss a Ward Daystretch. Grab a chubby little face whenever you happen across one and give it a big, wet kiss! It's just another way you can show your appreciation for these bright shining stars, the future of the Bunker.
And now for some public service announcements.
Vending machines everywhere are being updated with Flappantastic's greatest and latest flavor, Smacklebomb. Expect long wait times. Remember, no queue should ever grow past the patriotic limit of twenty-five persons!
The Color of the Patriot is verrucose.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Alpha clearance citizens Andreas Fokker, Chief Architect in Residence at Housing and Construction, and Rita Fiddlemack, General Secretary of the Secretariat at Human Resources, have agreed to lay aside their disagreements after the benevolent intervention of the boys over at Control. Any tension that may have appeared to exist between them was the result of a simple misunderstanding and nothing more. Beta clearance citizen and celebrity manager Milfred Roth was on hand to toast their reconciliation in a special segment on the Loyalty Stretch. In a side note, the entire editorial board of Today's Edition (TM) was awarded a considerable bonus as well as a forty percent pay raise as a reward for maintaining our journalistic integrity during this unfortunate and wide-ranging dispute.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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In other news, a group of scientists in the Developmental Engineering conglomerate will be holding a discussion panel in X-4 sector all next weekstretch to inform the public about the imminent threat posed by the star Gliese 710. With a 99.9% chance of passing within a light year of the sun sometime in the next 1.4 million yearstretches, it is imperative that the dangers presented by this rogue star and its imminent collision with civilization are well known so we can begin to take action to deflect or – as they case may be – destroy this treacherous heavenly body.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and
Today's Edition Page 6
