Today's Edition
Page 17
inspectors. The enthusiasm this yearstretch was particularly impressive. Way to go, citizens!
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was plugging my helpbot into its charging station when WHAM! The shock was so great I couldn't let go of the plug. After being discharged from my friendly, local medical clinic, however, I was fined one thousand credits by H&C, my employer, for going AWOL! The helpbot's manufacturer – Gawgle, Inc (TM) – refused to recompense me for my trouble. I would like to appeal the decision to a higher authority. Who should I turn to? Desperate to avoid indentured servitude, Yoydle Smutch U-8 sector.
DEAR YOYDLE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
BLACK FLAVOR RELEASED TO WIDE ACCLAIM! That's right, ladies and gentlemen! The drink at your local commissary will soon be supplemented with Black Flavor, a new and exciting taste developed in conjunction with experts over at Developmental Engineering. Everybody loves it, and we're sure you will, too. Tap here to see a feed of Jasmin Black seductively licking some out of a young girl's bellybutton.
S-12 SECTOR TEMPORARILY DOWN FOR MAINTENANCE! Due to regularly scheduled repairs to the insulation, the entirety of S-12 sector has been closed off until further notice. Anyone caught trespassing will be treated with the utmost severity. Those desperate citizens who insist they live there and were not aware of the closure should have paid attention to the announcements in next weekstretch's edition of the Loyalty Stretch and have only themselves to blame.
And now a word from our sponsors!
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HILLARY BINZER AND MARSHA WONG FREE AT LAST! Once again, the forces of Good and Righteousness have proven victorious. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong were released early yesterday from the penal colony on the planetary surface where they had been wrongfully confined. These two loyal souls were accused of commandeering the recording studio of Today's Edition (TM) – this very newsroom! – to spread lies and fallacies and otherwise further the terrorist cause. However, after the intervention of that tireless patriot and celebrity manager, Beta clearance citizen Milfred Roth, it quickly became apparent that the perpetrators were actually clones. In a surprising twist to this story, the sinister mastermind behind this nefarious plot was actually a prisoner interned at the very same penal colony as the unfortunate victims and has been terminated. More details will not be forthcoming.
DEAR EDITOR, the other daystretch I was at Mucia's Elegant Delights – which everyone knows serves outstanding and highly rated crepes – patiently standing in line while the patron in front argued endlessly with the server about the quality of the Vitamim. When he left and it was finally my turn at the counter, the person behind me brutally stabbed me in the calf with a rusty shiv. While I was howling on the floor, spouting blood, the perpetrator calmly stepped over me and was promptly served. I managed to get out my PA to record my assailant as she retreated, hurriedly scooping up Vitamim from one of Mucia's elegant cardboard cups before it got soggy, but unfortunately in my agony I didn't get a visual. Even though I was stitched up free of charge at the Blissful Whispers medical clinic, I desire justice. Surely, the security cameras inside Mucia's Elegant Delights recorded the entire fiasco. Is there any way to obtain the feed? Mansueto Yldefonso A-9 sector.
DEAR MANSUETO, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
DEAR EDITOR, Now that they've closed off the department where I live, I've got no place to go and nowhere to sleep. What do I do? Oyunbileg Gombodorj S-12 sector.
DEAR OYUNBILEG, the Bunker is a utopia. As such, there is no such thing as homelessness. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
TRAITORS SABOTAGE MARTIAL GAMES! What started out as the kind of military demonstration the public so ardently craves went unexpected awry earlier today. The wildly popular We Are All The Same Games held in A sector – a highly anticipated tradition hosted every sixty yearstretches by Defense – was cut short just after the opening fanfare. Killbots manning flypods and tankpods were deployed throughout the sector, ready to put on a once-in-a-lifetime display of military prowess, when cowardly partisans launched their wicked plot. Using malware introduced surreptitiously into the cybots' operating systems, terrorists attempted to force these mindless drones to turn their laser rifles and armor busters upon the innocent spectators. Fortunately, the hackers were thwarted at the last possible moment. Initial confessions indicate that these traitors are all members of that infamous club of social deviants, Tastes Like Chicken. No one was hurt, but due to the evolving security situation the patriotic picnic featuring free tins of Algatine and bags of PermaChunky normally held at the end of the games was cancelled. No further threat is anticipated.
And now a word from our sponsors!
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MACHINE TOOLER EXHIBITION IN K-3 SECTOR! Show your support for your local Machine Toolers! Without these hard-working lads and ladies, there wouldn't be any panelling in the Bunker's corridors or little bits of stain-removing lead in your toothpaste. Come and see the latest designs of the trade, including gear shapers, drill presses, and bone stretchers. Look but don't touch!
NEW GUIDELINES FOR FACIAL HAIR! Due to problems caused by excessive clogging in some of the Bunker's drainage pipes, Control has issued new guidelines for beards, moustaches, and birthmarks. Until further notice, facial hair of citizens in W, I, and P sectors has been restricted to not more one hundred thousand nanometers. As the magnitude of the number clearly indicates, this is a very generous length. Anyone held in violation of these updated guidelines will be held down and shaved on the spot. Thank you for your cooperation.
DEAR EDITOR, I am an Epsilon clearance citizen with my own private cubicle in Dormitory #7. There are forty of us living there. Like any patriotic citizen, I do my best to get along with my bunkmates. But one of my immediate neighbors, Rebecca Katz, really gets on my nerves. So, the other daystretch she was tagged by the hygiene inspector because her toenails were too long and her sheets weren't tucked in properly. She was taken away, and no one is sure when she's coming back. My question is: how long before I can start going through her stuff? The General Guidelines on Personal and Public Property are really long and hard to understand. I certainly don't want to get into trouble, but I also
don't see any reason why that stupid flaphead Ingrid Russet should get her collection of colored pendants or that radical set of cheater's playing cards. Looking for legal advice, Thandiwe Mkhize S-6 sector.
DEAR THANDIWE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
OPEN COMMENT PERIOD COMMENCES! As part of a continuing effort to increase the responsiveness of the Bunker's instruments of policy to public opinion, Central Management has created a site on X.net where concerned citizens can register their approval of proposed forms and applications. Simply log in to their portal, select “Latest and Greatest” from the main menu, untick the radio button “Yes, I am a terrorist” (unless of course you are a terrorist, in which case you should report immediately to your Homeland Security neighborhood substation),