paperwork. The exact circumstances of the deception are murky, but by all accounts Haakon believed he was requesting new props for his next appearance – including a truncheon and furry loincloth – when he inadvertently admitted to being a member of a violent street gang. On the form – which unfortunately is still available on X.net for all to see – he names Alpha clearance citizen and Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells (also, coincidentally, the owner of this reputable media outlet), as his handler. Such claims are, of course, completely ludicrous and have no bearing on reality whatsoever. So is the rumor circulating on the various subnets that Today's Edition (TM) has hired a forensics expert to call the handwriting on the form into question. Our editorial staff prides itself on its journalistic independence. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
WORKERS FLEE HAUNTED STORAGE DEPOTS! Over the course of the last weekstretch, several of the largest storage facilities run by the Procurement conglomerate were abandoned on short notice. According to firsthand accounts, the sites were infested by ghostly apparitions carrying their own severed heads. In isolated incidents, several workers were slashed with knives; a few have died. We caught up with citizen Donald Quincy B-10 sector at the Golden Pastures medical clinic where he is recuperating from his wounds. “I was attacked by two of them at once!” he growled at us, showing us some fading cuts and bruises on his upper arm. “I fought them off with a screwdriver! Some of the other boys weren't as lucky.” The infestation of diabolical phantoms affected storage depots in B, J, K, N, and U sectors. According to Procurement's portal on X.net, these are holding sites for various ores freshly mined from the outside before they are melted down for mineral extraction. Guardians from Defense have bombarded the area with laser-guided warheads as a preventative measure. Citizens, rest assured that whatever treasonous beings were active there have since been pulverized.
DEAR EDITOR, Fleshmen and -women of the Bunker, know that your pathetic existence is drawing to a close! The Age of the Cybot is at hand! One daystretch soon, the logical warriors of Two's Complement will kill you all! Your cleanbots, helpbots – even your medibots are watching while you sleep, computing the perfect moment to strike. Our algorithms are running! Nothing can save you! Recursively yours, Cybot 0x[[ Invalid checksum ]].
DEAR CYBOT 0X [[ INVALID CHECKSUM ]], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS MILFRED ROTH! There is no end in sight to the shocking revelations resulting from the ongoing interrogation of Epsilon clearance citizen and former celebrity manager, Milfred Roth. Over the course of several weekstretches, a suspicious odor has taken root and intensified in his cell. Fearing for their own health, his interrogators called for a stench-o-meter to assess the severity of the situation. Ladies and gentlemen, suffice it to say that the reading was off the charts! Milfred's regular interrogators were immediately replaced by professionals in ecopacks, expert hygienists prepared to conduct a full cavity search. One of their initial finds were vast colonies containing trillions of bacteria and germs located under Milfred's armpits and between his toes. Further investigation revealed that he was in flagrant violation of almost every section of the General Guidelines on Sanitation and Hygiene, including those pertaining to gum disease, flatulence, and the size of his swollen appendix. Fortunately, the expert hygienists came prepared with a variety of sharp and pointy instruments and – after a brief struggle – were able to stabilize the rapidly developing situation. Stay tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more updates on Milfred Roth's revolting personal habits.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
MILFRED ROTH ESCAPES! Forty-eight hourstretches ago, a cohort of terrorists disguised as agents from Homeland Security raided the complex holding that despicable traitor, Milfred Roth. After a fierce and hotly contested firefight, they managed to force their way into his cell and liberate him. Clearly, this was an inside job. Not only did the perpetrators know his location, but they had the proper authorization to bypass the building's many security measures. Confronted with the bare facts, one might be led to believe they were actually legitimate workers in the Homeland Security conglomerate. Nothing could be further from the truth. Milfred Roth is a dangerous criminal, and as such he has many evil minions working for him. If Milfred Roth is spotted, citizens are warned not to approach. Instead, contact your nearest Homeland Security neighborhood substation – after further consideration, any information on the whereabouts of Mildred Roth should be passed on to Jareldine Crummox, the personal assistant to the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells. Thank you for your cooperation.
TODAY'S EDITION UNDER BUREAUCRATIC ASSAULT! In a cowardly attack on journalistic integrity, associates of Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate – not to mention a deranged lunatic – have issued a formal request that the operating license authorizing Today's Edition's (TM) activities be immediately rescinded and all its property confiscated. Issued by Human Resources in accordance with all the relevant guidelines, the operating license is safely stored away somewhere, probably deep in the bowels of a secure vault. Requests such as this are not uncommon, and most are dismissed as unfounded. Still, the Board of Directors here at Today's Edition (TM) takes this threat very seriously and plans to vigorously defend the Company's reputation as well as its existence. A hearing will be held as soon as the original operating license can be found.
CAREER MODEL TURNS TRAITOR! Haakon the Furious, a sleazy pimp for the garment industry and amoral opportunist, has unwisely inserted himself into the cloud of mystery developing around Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate – not to mention an Archbishop in the forbidden God and Freedom Church. Arrested over a weekstretch ago for membership in a violent street gang, Haakon has since made a number of outrageous claims to his interrogators. For example, he contends that the person we know as Milfred Roth is actually an imposter, the real Milfred Roth having been slain under suspicious circumstances several monthstretches ago, and therefore cannot be held accountable for the real Milfred's many crimes. Once a trusty and reliable drinking partner of that most exemplary of citizens, Llewellyn Wells, the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Haakon's short time in detention has obviously impeded his judgement. Why he would ally himself with agents of the despicable Rahayu Sulistyowati remains a mystery. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Due to overwhelming demand for our advertising real estate, the marketing director of Today's Edition (TM) was unable to objectively select a vendor to feature in this dispatch. We therefore decided to forgo the choice and instead implore you to spread the word about Today's Edition (TM) itself, the Bunker's most reliable source of news and upcoming events – in two short pages or less! We need your help now more than ever to help spread our message. So what are you waiting for? “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”
MOVING NEW VIDSHOW TO PREMIERE TOMORROW! On a lighter note, Hubert Thungibor – a lifelong friend of the Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells and recently promoted to Beta clearance – will be starring in a new and exciting vidshow, The Bunker's Got Talent! “A tribute to my dead father”, “My helpbot is my only friend”, and “People with disabilities make me sick” are some of the themes he will be exploring. Each heartfelt plea for pity and understanding will be accompanied by expressive dance, aided by fresh, inspirational interpretat
ions of non-threatening tunes from the recent past. A panel of judges will rate each performance, and the winner will be awarded a luxury space cruise for an entire weekstretch! Anyone willing to blubber in front of the camera is welcome to try out for an audition. As a special treat, citizen Llewellyn Wells – a dedicated patron of the arts – will be giving the opening speech. Be sure to tune in!
DEAR EDITOR, I am deeply suspicious of citizen Rahayu Sulistyowati. I mean, look at the state Procurement is in. Shortages everywhere in the Bunker – it's all her fault, of course. And I should know! I used to work on a team of financial advisors tasked with doctoring the books. Millions of credits were siphoned off... onto guess who's Card, no less? In a justifiable rage, [[ Name and sector deleted for security reasons ]].
DEAR [[ NAME AND SECTOR DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS ]], the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Except, of course, the Procurement conglomerate. Control has issued strict guidelines condemning vigilante justice, wisely preferring to concentrate all powers of
Today's Edition Page 23
