by Tory Jane
They agree without question and we plan to meet at Wallace’s house the following night.
Coming Clean
“Julia, I think you have a baby bump.”
“Hush your mouth. I’m only nine weeks along. I ate a big lunch.”
“I’m teasing you. Other than that bosom of yours, you’d never know you were pregnant.” Julia is tall and long waisted; it will be a while before she shows.
“You're not kidding. Look at me. I have boobs for the first time in my life. I always thought I wanted big boobs, but I'm not enjoying these. They're painful, and they feel like they're always in the way.”
“I bet Peter’s enjoying them,” I giggle.
“Like they’re Christmas toys. He's documenting every change to my body. I used to think it was sexy that he wanted to photograph me. Now I feel like a test subject. I swear his next exhibit will be forty pictures of my boobs. ‘The evolution of the female breast during pregnancy.’ It's getting a bit ridiculous.
“Hey, thanks for picking me up, by the way. You look fantastic. Don't object. You really do.”
“Thank you.” I smile. A genuine smile. “And thanks for agreeing to meet up. I know you must be busy with work events.”
“If I never have to plan another holiday office party, I'll be a happy woman. Fortunately, Christmas is only a week away, and we've pretty much wrapped up the events for the season. Two more luncheons and I'll be free for a few days. Then the dreaded New Years' Eve parties. When will businesses learn that providing copious amounts of free alcohol to their employees is not a good idea?
“How has business been for you this season?”
“I've had an incredible year at the boutique. I'm thrilled with the designs I chose, and my clients love them. Speaking of which, I know you have events coming up, and I've set aside a few dresses for you. You need to come in and pick out a few things. I have an amazing low cut V-neck dress that will display that bosom perfectly.”
“Thank you, how thoughtful. You're a lifesaver. I've been so busy with work events that I haven't had any time to shop. Can I come in this weekend?”
“Whenever you want. We can even meet after hours. I can't tell you how much fun I had watching Wallace get excited about her new look. I'd love to do the same for you. I have some great flowy tunics that will get you through the next few months.”
“Ooh, fun. Thank you, Belle. I'm excited. I haven't been shopping in ages. Wallace looks fantastic; I'd be honored to put myself in your hands for a makeover.”
I glance over at her. She can’t know how much that means to me. “Really?” I squeak, on the verge of tears.
“Belle? Did I say something wrong? Are you okay?”
I reach over and squeeze her hand. “You said everything right. It means a lot to me that you believe in me.”
“Believe in you? There's never been a question. Okay, that's not entirely true. I've worried about some of the personal choices you've made over the years, but never concerning your business acumen. Woman, you know your shit. You know exactly how to make other women feel fabulous about themselves. I've watched you with your customers. They walk out of your boutique smiling, with their heads held high. You make them feel beautiful and special. That's a true gift.”
“Wow, Julia. That’s the highest compliment I could receive. Thank you.”
“Hell, if you can get Wallace out of her sweats and yoga pants after fifteen years, you’re a miracle worker.”
“You're right. I'll take that one.”
We pull into Wallace's driveway, and she greets us at the door in a hoodie and yoga pants, her hair pulled up in a messy bun. Julia and I glance at each other and laugh. “Baby steps,” I whisper.
Wallace crosses her arms and glares at us. “I know what you’re laughing about. I’m not dressing up at home for you two.”
“Of course not. You look stunning, as usual.”
“Whatever. Get your asses in here.”
She leads us to the back porch. She's laid out blankets for us and placed a space heater in the corner. Pine scented candles sit on the tables and white fairy Christmas lights line the porch and drape the ceiling. On the table, there is a tray of glasses and drinks. Sparkling wine for Wallace and me, sparkling cider for Julia. She grabs an ashtray and cigarettes from her hiding place. It is cozy and festive, and although I'm nervous, I feel relaxed and loved.
“Wallace, this is lovely. Thank you. I could hide out here forever.
“And thank you for hosting an emergency meeting. I realized I have a lot to share with you and I couldn’t wait until Saturday. I hope it wasn’t too much trouble?”
“Of course not. I love having a reason to hide out here, by myself. This is my refuge. If Ben can have his man cave, I can have my own hideaway. No kids, no husband allowed. Ben can deal with the hellions for the night.”
She pours us each a drink, and we clink glasses. Julia pouts. Wallace points her finger at her. “None of that, Missy. You're the slut who got herself knocked up. Drink up.
“To friendship, to love, to a lifetime with the best women I know.”
A tear runs down my face. I don’t deserve this. I raise my glass, “Cheers to that. I’m a lucky woman.”
“We all are,” Julia smiles with tears in her eyes. We’re a sappy lot.
“Okay, sit, get comfortable,” Wallace commands. “Annabelle, you called this meeting, you have the floor.”
I literally take the floor. I pull the cushions from the chair and sit cross-legged around the table. Wallace and Julia do the same. I light a cigarette. I’m going to need this if I’m going to come clean. I hope Wallace has a full pack. I brought my own secret stash, just in case. As well as a packet of tissues.
I don’t know where to start. I have to start with Jack. Jack is the beginning and end of everything for the past ten years. Actually, first I want to apologize. Atone for my many sins.
I realize I’ve been sitting there silently for five minutes, smoking, and thinking, while my friends wait patiently. I shake my head to clear out the cobwebs and fear.
“First, I need to apologize. I see more clearly than ever that my behavior has been appalling these past five years. Julia, I know what I did to you. I knew you were grieving and dealing with your divorce and I was a selfish bitch. I forced you to go out with me and then I left you alone. I felt dead inside. I was searching for any way to escape. The men, the drugs, the self-destructive behavior. I hated myself. Part of me hated you. If you loved me, you would have seen that I needed you to save me. I thought you were weak for not confronting me and I used that against you. I took out my anger, my pain on you because I knew you would take it. When you refused to go out with me anymore, I accused you of abandoning me, like everyone else. I know now that you never left me, and you're far from weak. You're one of the strongest people I know.”
Julia is crying. I lay the packet of tissues on the table, and she reaches for them. “Thank you, Belle. We don't need to rehash the past, but I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you're acknowledging the truth. We were both going through a rough patch.”
I turn to Wallace. “I owe you an apology, as well. You were pregnant, and I knew better than to pull that shit on you. However, I used you and lied to you. I was selfish. I wanted you to myself. I tried to pit you against Julia. I divided us. I resented the hell out of you. You were pregnant and happy with Ben. You had everything I wanted, and I felt like I'd lost everything. I'm sorry.
“You two have put up with a lot from me. I’ve lied and hidden so much, I’ve hated myself. I hated everyone who couldn’t see the truth.
“You know how I was when Jack left. I couldn't believe he could make the unilateral decision to go and pursue his dreams. How could Jack just disappear? Why didn't he include me in his vision? I felt like a fool. I thought we had everything. We lived in our little love bubble, and I didn't see.
“The thing I never told you? Something happened to send me into a tailspin from which I'm still trying
to recover. Three weeks after he left, I found out I was pregnant. I hid it from you. I hid it from everyone. I didn't want to tell anyone until I could tell Jack. I begged my mother to help me find him. She refused. She was trying to protect me, and I didn't admit why I needed to contact him.”
I take a gulp of wine and light another cigarette. I am fighting the tears, but my voice hitches and my shoulders shake.
“When I was five months' pregnant, at twenty-two weeks, my baby died. I started to feel him move three weeks before and then he stopped, and I knew. Too late for a D&C, I had to deliver a dead baby. Because I was a dumbass who hid it from everyone, I went through it alone.
“Even my baby didn't want me. I was broken.” I start to sob. “I refused to hold him. I wouldn't look at him. He'd been dead for two days. I never saw my baby's face. Why did I do that?”
Julia clutches her belly, her face white. Wallace is gaping at me, her mouth open. She reaches for my hand and asks, softly, “What was his name, Belle?”
“John. John Charles Tucker Cliff. Jack, Jr. I, I arranged to have him cremated. I keep his remains in a box by my bed. He sleeps beside me every night. Jack and I had a baby, and I've never told a soul.”
Julia pulls me to her and lays my head on her leg. She runs her hands through my hair, and I can feel her tears drop onto my face. “Sweet, Belle. I'm so sorry you went through that alone. I can't imagine how painful and lonely that was. Please, you have to accept that it wasn't your fault. You're not broken. John didn't abandon you. You did nothing wrong. God, Belle. No wonder you've been in pain.” She leans down and kisses my cheek. “It's not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself.”
I reach up and cling to her. “Julia. I'm sorry. I love you.”
She holds me tightly and lets me cling to her and cry. She wipes the tears from my eyes. “Belle, it’s okay to grieve. You’ve held this in for so long. Just let it out. Let go of the pain. We’re here for you. We’ve always been here for you.”
Wallace joins us in a group hug. Three grown women, crying and grieving the loss of my baby. I can’t believe how foolish I’ve been.
“I should have told you. I don’t know why I thought I could do it alone.”
Wallace can barely talk. She whispers, “You did the best you could. You had your reasons. I can understand why you would want to tell Jack first. I cannot express how sorry I am that you went through that alone, that you lost John.”
They keep using his name. It makes it real. Hearing his name somehow soothes me. I had a baby named John Charles. Jack Jr.
I sit up straight and gather my strength. “Thank you both. Hearing you say John's name. It makes him real. I will never forgive myself for not holding him, for not looking into his tiny face. And yet, naming him, speaking about him, gives him life.”
“There is more. I have a dilemma.”
“What? There’s more? Fuck, Belle. How do you keep this all bottled up?”
“I can’t do it anymore. I’m here to come clean. And to ask for your advice.”
Julia reaches for a cigarette and Wallace doesn’t even nag her. “Okay, we’re ready. Lay it on us.”
“Jack didn't just leave me. He left me a letter, explaining everything and giving me his contact information. And he wrote me over fifty letters in the last five years.”
Wallace stiffens. “What the fuck? What are you telling us? You’ve heard from him this whole time and didn’t respond? You said you didn’t know how to find him. Why would you lie to us? Why would you do that to him? To yourself?”
“No. It's not like that. I didn't lie, I didn't know. I found out this week.” I share with them all that I learned from my parents.
“They kept them from you?” Wallace is angry. “They had no right to make that decision for you. You were fragile in the beginning. I can understand waiting until you were stronger. For five fucking years? Have you seen them? Read them?”
“I know. I've been furious with my mother. I can't blame it all on her, though. I dumped everything in her lap, and she was trying to protect me. Then the four of them decided together. Once the lie started, they didn't know how to end it. They deliberately kept us apart. Everything we missed.
“My father brought them to me last week. He actually cried. Anyway, they were all in the box. Remember the box Jack made for me?
“Julia, how many times did we drive to that ugly storage unit and sit outside while I tried to find the courage to look for it? You were sweet. You'd offer to go in and dig around. Now I find out, it was never in there.
“My mother saved it and didn’t put it in storage. On top of all of the old letters, notes, and mementos was a neat stack of letters tied in an ivory silk ribbon. The number of them is overwhelming. I haven’t been able to read them yet. Only the very first letter—the letter he left in the cabin for me.”
“Well, what did it say?” Wallace demanded.
“He told that he wasn't leaving me. That he intended to come back, but that he needed to pursue his dream and return to me a man, an equal partner. He loved me, but he was too dependent on me. He couldn't take me with him, because he knew the pattern would continue and he didn't want to hold me back.
“He gave me his contact information. If I hadn't been so foolish, I would have known how to find him.
“He wrote that he dreamed of us having children together and wanted to become a role model for our children.” At that, I break down again.
“All this time, he’s been out there, waiting for me to find him.”
Wallace breathes a jagged sigh. “Well, shit. All this time I've hated him for leaving you, hurting you.”
“Jack has been back in town for almost three months. He didn’t contact me because he thought I left him. Our parents finally told him the truth two weeks ago—right before we ran into him on the street. That day, he was on his way to see me at the shop. It’s all been a horrible misunderstanding.
“Here’s the thing…I’ve been seeing him since that day.”
“Holy shit.” Julia exclaimed. “No wonder you called an emergency meeting. How many more secrets do you have left?”
“The day we saw him on the street, Wallace? That night he came by the boutique. He didn't stay long. We kissed. I kissed Jack Cliff again, and it was like coming home. I've seen him a few times since then, never for very long. Last night he came over for three hours, we finally talked about things, and then things got hot and heavy. He's changed. He was always sexy, but the slow, gentle stoner boy is gone. I think his mouth may be one of the wonders of the world.
“Sorry. Anyway, his explanation for leaving is jumbled up and confusing. When I think I have a grasp on it, it leads to more questions. He wanted me, but he loved being on his own. He always had hope, but he lost faith when I didn't respond and moved on. He loved being on his own in Chicago and traveling through Europe. He didn't want me there. Yet, he always intended to return to me and he loves me and wants us to be together. He wanted to come back to me an equal, a partner. He tattooed my name on the side of his torso, so that I would ‘always be by his side, near his heart.’
“That’s great, but he’s omitting some substantial life events. He swears there is no impediment to us being together. That must mean baby mama is out of the picture. How can we be together if he won't even tell me about his child? Maybe he’s observing me. Deciding whether I’d be a suitable step-monster?
“Not that I’ve been open with him. I haven't told him everything. Do I tell him about our baby? I have to. Do I admit that I know he has a child?
“Bottom line, I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing or how to proceed, or whether we even should proceed? What do I do? Help.”
Julia squints at me. “Did you have sex with him?”
“Woman. I poured my heart out, and that’s your question? No, we didn’t have sex. I wanted it. I may have succumbed to his charms. I’m only human. The man stripped me down and gave me four orgasms. I’m telling you—that mouth. He stayed completely clo
thed. I don’t think he even took his shoes off?”
“Well, that’s a little weird.”
“Yeah, I thought so too.”
Wallace sums it up, “So, you're telling us that you hooked up with him but that he hasn't told you anything about what he's been up to for five years, other than he enjoyed being on his own, or who this mystery child is? He wants the two of you to be together, because now he's a man and has found himself?”
“Yes. That’s about right.”
“I’m sorry, but that’s ridiculous. You cannot build a relationship on lies, even lies of omission. Do you think the truth is in the letters?”
“I asked him that. He confessed what I already suspected. The early letters maybe, but he admitted that when I didn’t respond, the letters became almost like keeping a journal. He didn’t write them to me; so much as, they were a way to document what he was thinking. He acknowledges that he could have fought harder to find me. Our parents are best friends, for god’s sake.
“If I’m being honest, I could have fought harder to find him. My mother may not have told me, but I knew he was in Chicago. I knew where he was attending school. I was stubborn. I wasn’t going to chase after a man who left me.”
“You need to read those letters.”
“I know, but I’m afraid.”
“Wallace is right. You need to read the letters. You can’t be afraid of the truth. If you want to be with him, you both need to be honest and communicate.”
“Our families are supposed to get together for our annual Christmas cocktail hour. Do you think the mystery child will be there?”
“No. Not if you keep hiding things from each other.”
“Wallace. Is this tough love?”
“Dammit, Belle. Yes, it is. Aren’t you tired of secrets? Aren’t you tired of living in pain and wondering ‘what if’?”
Julia nodded. “I agree. For five years, you've lived a lie and been lied to. It's time for transparency. Jack claims he wants to be with you, but he's going to sneak around to do it? If he wanted to be with you, he would be shouting it from the rooftops. Do you really want to be a secret? Where is baby mama? Is she here? Is he cheating on her with you or cheating on you with her? There are far too many unanswered questions. Your parents probably know more than you.”
