by Tory Jane
By September, I had an offer from the firm here. I came home at the beginning of October and started work. It’s small and traditional. Not the international firm to which I’d grown accustomed. Still, it’s a good fit and I have more time with Charlie.
I'm a thirty-six-year-old single father with a grown-up job, wear a suit every day, have a seventeen-month-old baby, live with my parents, and lived without you for five years. As I said, life didn’t go according to my four-year plan.
What Happens Next?
He finishes, and I immediately stand and start pacing the room, chain-smoking and drinking bourbon. It's too much to process. My head is spinning.
If I want to be with Jack, he's a package deal. Why is this freaking me out? I already knew he had a child.
Hearing it from him and all that he endured for that precious child, it makes it real and it scares me.
It's our reality. If I want to be with Jack, I have to be prepared to be a mother. A mother to another woman's child. It's his own form of an ultimatum. Love me? Love my kid. Instant family. How do I know if I'm ready for that?
Jack assures me that I am. Two short months ago, I was out of control. That was different, though. I was grieving and shocked. Seeing him with Charlie then, I thought I'd lost him forever. Now I discover I can have them both.
I don’t know what I’m feeling. The stirrings of baby fever? I want a baby. I want a baby with Jack. His child needs a mother. Charlie is young enough that he'll never know any different. We could try for another baby of our own. A girl.
“Annabelle. Look at me. Are you okay? What are you thinking?”
I turn my head, narrow my eyes at him, and shake my head. Not yet, Mister.
Smartly, he keeps his mouth shut and tracks my movements around the room. Then he mutters, “Maybe I should leave?”
“Jack. Please. Give me a minute to process. Why do you do that? Lay this heavy shit on me and then try to slink out? Hell, no. Sit there, be patient, and give me a minute to think.”
He strides over to me and tries to hold me. I snuggle against him for a moment, then push him away, and continue my pacing.
I fear something else. It has nothing to do with Charlie. Can I trust and believe that Jack loves me?
“You didn't come back here for me. You thought you’d lost me. You came back to give your child a stable home, grandparents. You were lonely, but if you had your choice, you'd still be living somewhere else, traveling the world, being a world-class designer. You admitted as much to me the other night. You don’t want to stay here. Having a child changes everything, doesn't it?
“After five years, you decide you want me? Maybe you want a mother for your child.”
“That’s what you took from my story? That is not fair, and you know it. Until three weeks ago, I thought you’d given up on me. As soon as I found out the truth, I came to find you. To find out if the love between us was still real. It is for me. What about you, Bella? Are you saying you don’t love me? That you’re not ready for a real relationship with me? Why, because I have a kid? You said you didn’t want to sneak around. Well, darlin’, this is my life. This is who I am now.
“I’ve been through this before. A woman who professed to love me and then grew to hate me when life got real. I won’t do it again.”
“Now who’s being unfair? How dare you compare me to her? I am only learning about this now. I haven’t even met him. You’ve hidden your whole fucking life from me for five years. Give me a minute to catch up.”
He runs his hands through his hair and looks embarrassed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m being defensive.
“Annabelle, I finally have you in my life again. I didn't know it was possible. Here you are, the woman I've loved for ten years, maybe all of my life. I am being impatient because I've dreamt about this for years. I love you. I want a life with you, and I want it now. Haven't we had to wait long enough?”
“You’ve been dreaming about it for years. I’m learning everything in a week.
“You finally realize what you want, and you expect everything to fall in line because you’re ready? Why do I suspect you're already making plans?”
His lips curve into a slight smile until he looks abashed and turns his head from me.
“You are! Are you going to share your plans with me this time or spring them on me at the last minute and expect me to follow?”
“I…shit, that didn’t occur to me.”
“If you’re making plans, and they somehow involve me, you had better think twice about hiding them from me. If we’re going to have a future together, we make plans together. Do you understand?”
“I wanted to surprise you.”
“Jack, don’t you think you’ve given me enough surprises at this point?”
He has the nerve to laugh, then covers his mouth. “I promise. No more surprises. If you agree to be my partner, we’ll make all decisions together.”
“Okay.”
He picks me up and swings me around. “Okay?”
“Put me down. Okay to the no surprises. Okay to us talking this through together. I haven't decided anything yet. Slow down.”
“I'll slow down. You're telling me we have a chance?”
The hope on his face overwhelms me. I'm still being stubborn. What point am I trying to make? Of course, he has a chance. Still, these are huge decisions with lifelong implications. We need to be responsible and thoughtful.
“I’m telling you that we have a chance. Okay. You can twirl me now.”
He does, and we're both grinning at each other.
“I'm also telling you that we need to be thoughtful and deliberate. Jack, I love you. I know we could be a family. I need to believe that I’m the best thing for Charlie. I haven't been the poster-child for mental stability. I do not want to hurt you or that precious child. You have fought for him and been forced to endure pain. I don't want to hurt anyone. I have love to give. I also have a lot to learn.”
I hold up my bourbon and cigarette and smile wryly, “This may surprise you, but I don't know anything about children.”
Jack laughs and toasts me with his glass of bourbon as he takes a drag off his cigarette. “Welcome to parenthood, Belle.”
“Well, that just tells me you're a terrible role model,” I laugh.
“As were our parents, and look how we turned out.”
I arch my eyebrow at him. “That's not a ringing endorsement.” We're both snickering.
“You’ll consider being a family? You asked if there were any impediments to us being together. There are no external impediments. The only thing that could prevent us from being together is fear.
“I've bared my heart to you. It is yours for the taking. I am not afraid. I believe in you.
“Please tell me that you won't let fear get in the way of a lifetime of happiness. I love you, Belle. I want to be your husband. I want you to be the mother to our children, to teach them about joy and a sense of adventure.”
“I'm trying to be responsible for a change. It's not just the two of us anymore. Whatever we choose to do will have consequences. I don't want to sneak around like kids.”
“I don’t either. You are it for me, woman. I want to be with you, officially, lawfully, husband and wife. Why does that scare you?”
“I have my free-spirited rebel reputation to maintain,” I smirk.
“Says one of the most successful boutique owners in town. How many excuses are you going to give me?”
I peek up at him and whisper, “What about sex, Jack? I hear that once you get married and have kids, you never have sex again.”
Jack gets down on one knee and stares up at me earnestly.
“What are you doing?”
“My dearest Annabelle, love of my life, will you promise that you will make love to me for the rest of our lives? Will you sneak around with me sometimes, or as often as possible, to have hot, dirty sex?”
“John Charles Cliff, I will.”
He carries me into
the bedroom and starts kissing me. Those kisses I cannot resist.
***
Once he ensures that I am fully satiated, we lay entwined, skin-to-skin. He curls me into him and murmurs into my neck, “I have never been as terrified as I was tonight, telling you the whole truth. I'm sorry I've been ducking and weaving. Thank you for being patient and for demanding the truth.”
“I'm grateful, Jack. Thank you for trusting me and sharing your life with me.
“I feel the same way. I've wanted to tell you my truth. As much as I grieve for our baby’s death, sharing it with you is a burden lifted from my shoulders. We both had babies named John Charles.” I reach out and touch the enamel chest that I’ve returned to my bedside table.
“What would we have called him?”
“Jack, of course. It’s always been one of my favorite boy names. And it happens to be the name of the man I’ve always loved.”
“You know, we could be like George Forman—you know, the boxer?—and have a passel of kids all named John. Johnnie or Jackie, if they're girls.”
“You’re a weirdo.”
“Yep, that’s why you love me.”
“Jack, you do realize I am thirty-six. I’m running out of time for a passel of kids.”
“We’ll have to get started quickly, then.”
“Again, slow down. Do you know how terrified I am of getting pregnant? Of losing another baby? Not being able to get pregnant? I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want to grieve like that again.”
“Do you want a baby, Belle?”
I whisper as if I'm afraid to admit it. “Yes. Did I tell you that Julia is pregnant? Wallace has two kids—Tucker, a boy, and Carter, a girl. When you sent me the picture of Charlie and then told me about your time with him as a baby? All I could think was that I wanted to hold him. I could be a stepmonster. I’d love a baby of our own, too, but it scares me.”
“A stepmonster. You're crazy. You'll be a wonderful mother. Wait until you meet Charlie. He'll be in your lap in a minute, playing with your bracelets, your hair. When we get pregnant, I'll be with you every step of the way. You'd never be alone, again.”
I can't admit to him how torn I am. I'm still processing everything he's revealed. I don't even know if we have a future together. He's pressuring me, and my instinct is to run.
Alternatively, now that we are together again, I cannot imagine life without him. With a boy and a girl. Living on the water. Kids fishing, boating, and gardening. A home filled with joy, family, love, and music. It's a dream. A fairy-tale. In my experience, fairy tales have never come true for me.
“When do you want me to meet him?”
“I was thinking Christmas day when our families get together in the afternoon. How does that sound?”
Scary as hell. Three more days. Maybe I should spend some time with Wallace and practice with her kids. I haven’t exactly been “Auntie Belle” to them. I tend to treat them like the dog. Pet, pet. “Aren’t you cute?” Then retreat to our smoking lounge for cocktails. Julia has been the same way, though. I’ve never seen her exhibit any baby fever and she’s ecstatic and admitted that she’s always wanted children.
What if I don’t have that mommy gene. I know better. I loved my baby from the moment I learned I was pregnant.
“Three days? What if he hates me?”
“Belle, he's seventeen months old, he doesn't know how to hate. He's a curious, active boy.”
“Are there any books I should read before then? Internet research? What if he throws a temper tantrum? Won't he need a nap in the afternoon? I’ve never changed a diaper. Is he still in diapers?”
“If he throws a temper tantrum, you ignore it. If he needs a nap, the nanny will take care of him. Yes, he’s still in diapers. I’ll teach you.”
“Do you have some hot nanny I should worry about?”
“Ha! My mother chose her. Do you think she’d choose a hot nanny for me?”
“Does he look like his mother?
Jack hesitates. “It's hard to say. She was from northern Italy. She has wavy, dark blonde hair and blue eyes. More Austrian than Southern Italy. I guess, yes, he looks like her, and he looks like me. Of course, he's extremely handsome, like his father.”
I poke him. “Oh, of course.
“She must have been quite beautiful.” I’m jealous.
“There was a time when I thought so. By the end, I thought she was repulsive. I could barely stand to look at her. An ugly inside eventually finds its way to the surface.”
He hugs me tightly. “Are you fishing for compliments, my Bella Belle? Trust me; you have no reason to feel jealous or insecure. You have always been the woman in my heart. The most beautiful, exotic, sexy, and loving woman I know.”
“Did you call her Bella?” I ask bitterly.
“Never.”
I lift my head and peer at him. He looks straight into my eyes. “Never.”
I cuddle back up to him. I know he has to leave soon. I never want this to end.
“You asked me to include you in my plans and not to surprise you anymore. I'd like to take you somewhere and show you a project I'm working on with Ben. When will you have time to get away for a few hours?”
“I'm not sure. The boutique has been incredibly busy. We've had long days. We will close at 2:00 on Christmas Eve and will reopen the day after Christmas for after Christmas sales. Then it will be a madhouse until New Years' Eve.”
“What about Christmas Eve? Charlie will be napping, and the nanny will be with him. My office closes at noon. We'd have the whole afternoon.”
“And this is a plan that involves me?”
“Bella, this is a plan for you, for us. I’d love your input. Even if I originally intended it to be a surprise.”
“Please. No more surprises. At least not until I process everything you shared tonight.”
He pulls me up on his chest, so we are face to face. “Soulmates. Partners. Equals. Lovers.”
“I think I like the sound of that.”
“You think?” he teases.
“Okay, okay. I love it.”
“You better.” He kisses me deeply, cupping my face. “I love you, Annabelle.”
I kiss him back. “You better, Jack.”
He stretches, and I know it is time. “Time to leave?”
“Unfortunately, yes.” He climbs out of bed and starts to dress, as I ogle him. “But as soon as you come to your senses, we can be together every night.” He raises his hands, “No pressure, though.”
I throw a pillow at him. “If you think I’m spending the night with you at your parents’ house, you really are insane.”
“You know how huge that house is. I could sneak you in and out.” He winks at me. “Seriously, I have the entire third floor. They converted it into an apartment for Charlie and me. It's twice the size of this place.”
“I'm sure it's quite lovely. If I'm invited, I'll consider spending the night. I’m sorry, but I cannot live with you at your parents' house.”
“I understand. I'd feel the same way. Besides, you're loud, I'm sure they'd hear you moaning. That could be embarrassing at breakfast.”
“John Charles Cliff. You take that back. I seem to recall you roaring like a lion a few nights ago.”
“That was awesome, wasn’t it? You turned me into a beast.”
“Get out of here, you crazy man.”
He grabs my hand, pulling me out of bed. “Walk me to the door, Bella. I need a good night kiss. And you need to lock the door behind me.”
I stand before him, nude, completely unselfconscious.
He watches me walk to the door. “Lord, woman. You are sexy as fuck.” He pushes up behind me, and I feel him hard and needy. He bends his knees and notches himself between my legs.
I swear, he’s so hard and long, he could lift me up with that thing. I tease him and swivel my hips over him. The next thing I hear is the sound of him undoing his belt and his pants dropping to the floor. How could I forget? You don’t
tease Jack.
He bends me over and curls himself around me. He moves my arms to the door. He wants me to brace myself. He must want it hard and fast. No, it’s hard, but not fast. He takes his time to touch me everywhere as he thrusts. He knows my body and all the buttons to push. He also knows I need constant physical contact. Even from behind, our whole bodies touch. We move together, establishing a rhythm. He reaches around and cups me from the front, giving me the pressure I love while he stimulates me. I dissolve around him. He plunges as deep as he can, groans, and comes.
He spins me around, lifts me, and presses me against the door. I get my goodnight kiss. Delicious, mind-blowing kisses. He's still hard, and I'm still needy. He slides inside me. He presses his pelvic bone against me and grinds until I explode with a second orgasm. “That's my girl,” he praises me. He bites and sucks my neck then my mouth. “You're so hot.”
I cling to him until my breathing slows and I can stand on my own two feet again. I slide down his body, grinning like a besotted fool. It’s been quite a night.
“Good night, love. I'll pick you up at the boutique on Christmas Eve. 3:00? Does that give you enough time to close up?”
“Perfect. I’ll miss you.”
He beams and kisses me. “Until then, Bella.”
As he leaves, I lock the door and press my head against the doorframe. I think about everything we discussed, and I am officially exhausted.
It's 2:00 a.m. I have to work in the morning, yet my mind is racing with all that I've learned. I pour myself a nightcap and stand at the counter and smoke, trying to sort it all out in my head.
Christmas Eve
My clients have picked the shop clean. I've never seen my stock this low. It has been the best Christmas season yet for business, and for me.
December 26th we'll receive a new shipment, and the madness will begin again. Thank god, I'll have Cecelia until she returns to school on January 3rd.
With little for us to do, we move sluggishly about the store, straightening up. Jack saunters in early, and I see Cecelia's jaw drop. He does look hot in his low slung, slim jeans, t-shirt, and V-neck cashmere sweater.
“Bella.” He picks me up and twirls me. “Look at this place. Do you have anything left?”
