“Whoa! That’s cool!” he exclaimed.
“Try it,” she encouraged him. “It’s strawberry-flavored. Just be careful because the bottle’s glass.”
Nathan took a sip from the bottle, then grinned and took a bigger drink.
“Can I try a sip, Nate?” I asked.
“Yeah. It’s yummy,” he said as he put the bottle back on the table.
Before I could take a drink of the weird soda, Mrs. Rhee walked over with a big tray full of bubble tea slushes.
“Don’t take Nathan’s Ramune,” she told me as she handed me a Thai tea slush with tapioca bubbles in the bottom and Nathan a strawberry one. “I’ll bring some over for the whole table. Do you two want to stay for dinner? I’m sure these four won’t complain. I’ll make something simple for him.”
“What do you think, bud?” I asked, looking at my brother. “Want to have dinner here with these guys?”
His eyes lit up. “Can we?”
I chuckled as I turned back to Mrs. Rhee. “Yeah, if you don’t mind letting me use your phone so I can let my parents know where we are.”
Not that they deserved that kind of respect, but with my luck, they’d send a search party out for us, and then Darla’s dad would find out that she was with not just me, but Kate and Ashton too. It was safer for her if I just told my parents that Nathan and I had run into Naomi and her mom at their store and they’d invited us to stay for dinner. That wasn’t a stretch, because the Rhees’ generosity and hospitality was well-known to everyone at church.
“Of course,” she assured me.
“Go on. We’ll keep an eye on Nate,” Darla said, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand.
Thank God for my friends. They’d somehow managed to turn what could have been a disastrous evening into one filled with laughter and, most importantly, love. Nathan needed all the love he could get right now, and my girlfriend and friends were delivering big time. I just had to hope and pray that all of our love was enough to make up for our parents’ indifference.
Chapter 18
Brendan
If God Made You
It was about ten-thirty at night when I donned my coat, grabbed the small box containing Darla’s Christmas present, and slid my bedroom window open. I carefully took the screen out and leaned it against the wall right next to the window, then quietly climbed out and slid it shut again. Well, most of the way shut. I couldn’t latch it, obviously.
Yeah, I could have just walked through the front door. My parents didn’t care enough to even bother to ask where I was going. Especially not tonight. They’d barely said two words to me since I’d brought Nathan back home after dinner. But I just figured it was safer for Darla if they didn’t know I was gone at all. If they didn’t know about my absence, they wouldn’t be able to guess that I was going to see her and warn her dad.
I couldn’t wait for the day when I could move out and get my own space. When the only reason I’d have to ever come back to this place was to see my little brother. But, then again, once I had my own space, he’d probably be able to stay with me at least some of the time, and at least if I had him with me, I’d know that he was getting the attention he needed and deserved.
God, how messed up was it that I was trying to factor making sure Nathan still had his needs met after I left home into my plans for the future? I was supposed to be planning a future for myself and my girlfriend and figuring out how I was going to support her so that she could move out of her father’s house as soon as possible and still go to college and do whatever she wanted to do with her life. I wasn’t supposed to be worrying that when I left home, my little brother would have no one looking out for him.
The streets were eerily quiet as I made the ten-minute drive from my house to Darla’s. Just like always, I did a quick drive-by first to make sure all the lights were out, and then I went and parked in the public parking lot a block over.
It was hard to believe Christmas was next week when the weather felt more like it was almost Halloween. The temperatures were in the fifties during the day, and right now it was in the high thirties, though it felt like it was right around freezing with the wind chill. I kind of regretted only wearing my letterman jacket rather than my winter coat, but at least the walk was only five minutes.
When I got to Darla’s window, I saw that she’d turned the main light off and just left her bedside lamp on. Hoping that she hadn’t fallen asleep waiting for me, I quickly took the screen out and rapped lightly on the glass, and she was pulling up her blinds and opening the window less than ten seconds later.
“Hey,” she said with a smile that took my breath away.
The desire to claim that smile with my lips was so strong I could taste it, making me almost dizzy. I didn’t think I’d ever wanted a kiss from her this badly, not even that night at the homecoming dance. This went beyond want. It was need, so acute that it was almost painful.
“Hey,” I sighed. “Sorry I’m so late. I wanted to make sure my parents were asleep.”
“It’s okay,” she chuckled as she stepped back so I could get in. “It’s winter break, so it’s not like I have to get up early tomorrow. Now, get in here. It’s freezing.”
I quickly hopped up on the ledge, then stepped into her room and shut the window behind me. And then I pulled her into my arms and crashed my lips to hers. The quiet gasp she emitted gave me the opening I needed to search her tongue out as I pulled her toward the bed and sat down, guiding her to straddle my legs.
This. This was what I needed. All the swirling thoughts that had been running through my head since the second I’d heard my parents arguing this afternoon were finally quieted as I poured everything I felt into this connection with Darla. She took it all willingly, kissing me back with just as much fervor and passion, and it was intoxicating. I couldn’t get enough.
I felt her hands wander under my jacket, wrapping around me, and I quickly shrugged out of it before tightening my arms around her. She let out a quiet whimper, but didn’t lift her mouth from mine. The sound made all the blood in my body rush south, causing my head to spin. Her hips rocked over me, and I let out a groan as the friction both soothed and aggravated the growing need she was creating.
When Darla broke the kiss, panting for breath, I still couldn’t stand for my lips to be separated from her body, so I moved them to her neck, gently kissing and sucking, but making sure I wasn’t going to leave a mark. The last thing her dad needed to see was a hickey.
“Brendan,” she whispered, digging her fingers into my back as she rocked her hips over me again. “Oh, God.”
I suppressed another groan as I claimed her mouth again, greedily drinking down her soft moans like I was dying of thirst and she was the last oasis in the desert. My hands traveled up her sides, and on impulse, I reached between us to cup one of her breasts. She gasped quietly, and I applied a little more pressure, and that made her whimper and rock her hips against me again, pressing down harder. I couldn’t help the moan that rose in my throat as the throbbing between my legs increased, and I arched my hips as I used my free hand to guide her to continue her movement.
I knew we were walking a fine line right now, and I knew going any further than this couldn’t happen for any number of reasons, but I couldn’t make myself stop. I needed this physical connection with her more than I needed to breathe.
When she sped up her movements and started to grind herself into me, I groaned so loudly that I was actually worried her father would hear.
Damn it. I needed to stop this. If we couldn’t control the amount of noise we were making, then no matter how good this felt, and no matter how much I needed her right now, we couldn’t continue. Nothing was worth risking her safety over.
I immediately pulled back, gasping for breath, and pulled her into a hug as I willed my heart rate to return to normal. She tensed up in my arms, like she’d just registered that her father could have heard us a few seconds ago.
“I’m sorry,” I panted. “
I shouldn’t have—”
“I know,” she mumbled. “This was wrong. I should have stopped you.”
Shit.
Dear God, what had I done?
Her father had spent the past fourteen years drumming into her head that just kissing someone was wrong. Why on Earth had I thought that taking things this far this fast was a good idea? Just because she was okay with kissing me now didn’t mean that years and years of the partial scriptures and shame and “True Love Waits” teachings that had been fed to her for her entire life were just going to magically disappear.
I’d told myself – and her – that she was the one in control here. I’d told her I wouldn’t ask her for anything she wasn’t willing to give me. And what had I done tonight? I’d done exactly what I’d promised her I’d never do. I’d let my emotions and pain cloud my judgment and I hadn’t even stopped to consider that she might not be comfortable with what was happening.
Damn, I was a shitty boyfriend.
“Baby, look at me,” I whispered as I pulled out of the hug.
Darla’s head stayed down, her eyes fixed on my chest, like she couldn’t bring herself to meet my gaze. But I needed to look into her eyes when I apologized. I needed her to know how I felt about taking advantage of her like that. And I needed to know that she was going to hear every word I said about how the blame for this was all on me.
I put my hand under her chin and tilted her face up until she finally relented and raised her eyes to meet mine. Those gorgeous ocean-blue depths were as big as saucers, and I could see the war that was waging in her mind. I hated myself for being the cause of it. I’d been selfish and put myself and what I wanted first tonight, and it had ended up hurting and confusing her.
I couldn’t let anything like this happen ever again. The next time I did anything more than kiss her, it was going to be because she made the move. Even if it took years. Even if it didn’t happen until I put a ring on her finger and a minister pronounced us husband and wife. If that was what she needed to feel comfortable being intimate with me, then that was what I’d give her.
“I was the one who was wrong, not you,” I told her. “You didn’t do a single thing wrong. I was upset and trying to distract myself and I didn’t think about you, and because of that, I ended up pushing you into something that you weren’t ready for. That was the only thing wrong with what we just did. I tried to take something from you that you weren’t ready to give. And until you are ready, until you don’t have even a sliver of doubt or hesitation about making that choice, I don’t have a right to ask for it. Even when you’re ready, I don’t have that right. Love – intimacy – is something that should be given freely, not taken or asked for. Your love is the most amazing gift I’ve ever received, and I am so sorry I took advantage of it, and you, tonight.”
“It’s okay,” she sighed.
I cracked half a smile. “No, it’s not. And if you’re ever not comfortable with something, if I try to take things further than you want to go, please don’t be scared to stop me. I won’t be even a little bit upset. I’ll be glad you said something. I wasn’t kidding that day in the carpentry room. There’s never been anyone else for me. I’m learning here too.”
Her eyes went wide again. “What?”
And there went another black mark on my record, this time for not making exactly how much I loved her abundantly clear. If she even thought I could possibly have brought myself to be with anyone else, I hadn’t done my job. I needed to spell it out for her.
“You’re the only girl I’ve ever dated. The only girl I’ve ever kissed. The only girl I’ve ever loved, and the only girl I ever will love. You’re it for me. But the downside to that is, I’m going to screw up. I’m going to get carried away sometimes. And I need you not to be afraid to tell me when I do, because I can’t correct my behavior if I don’t know I did something wrong.”
“But what if I don’t realize it until it’s too late? Like now?” she said, barely audible. “I let myself get caught up in the moment too, and I didn’t even think about it until you stopped.”
I really felt like pummeling her dad for guilting and shaming her into thinking that allowing herself to enjoy being intimate with someone she cared about was wrong. But pummeling him wouldn’t change anything. This was where we were now, and this was the foundation we had to build on. And that was okay. It wasn’t like I was going anywhere.
“Still say something,” I said. “I don’t care if it’s the next day. Tell me you’re not okay with what happened, and I’ll make sure it never happens again.”
She nodded, but didn’t say anything else, and I figured that was my cue that this conversation was over.
I kicked off my shoes, then moved her off of my lap so I could get all the way on the bed. Apparently she wasn’t too upset with me, because she crawled over next to me and curled into my side, draping an arm across my chest and resting her head on my shoulder. I folded my arms around her and pressed a kiss to her forehead, and she looked up at me with so much love in her gaze that it made my heart squeeze.
“Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it was that had you so upset today?” she asked quietly.
I sighed. After what I’d just done, betraying her trust in me like that, it didn’t feel right to put my problems on her. But I also didn’t want to keep anything from her. She always told me everything that happened in this house. On more than one occasion during these clandestine visits, I’d held her as she cried after her father had taken a belt to her for some minor – or, in some cases, completely fabricated – infraction. And I knew that sometimes she felt like this relationship was one-sided, with me just supporting her and helping her through the fear and pain she lived with on a daily basis. She’d told me before that she wanted me to talk to her when something was going on with me too because she wanted to support me the same way I supported her. So I knew I couldn’t keep this from her.
“My mom shuffled Nate off on me again today,” I sighed. “I mean, I don’t mind helping out with him, but lately it seems like she’s actively avoiding having anything to do with him.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed that too,” she agreed. “He’s lucky to have such an amazing big brother who cares so much about him, though.”
I let out a humorless chuckle. “I’d do anything for him, and it’s like my mom knows that and takes advantage of it. Like today, I was in the middle of putting a base coat of paint on that cabinet I made in carpentry class so he and I could paint it together tomorrow, and she faked a headache just so she wouldn’t have to drive ten minutes away to pick him up from a play date. The thing had wet paint all over half of it, I had an open paint can and dish of water, and there was this huge plastic tarp spread over my whole bedroom floor so I wouldn’t get paint everywhere, and she acted like it was the end of the world for her to go pick him up and guilt-tripped me into stopping what I was doing to do it for her. I asked her what she was going to do when I was gone in a year and a half, and she basically said that her entire plan was for me to go to college locally and stay at home so I could take care of him.”
“What?” she gasped. “Oh, my gosh. I mean, even if you did stay living at home to save on expenses, college isn’t high school. You wouldn’t be home as much.”
“I don’t even think I’m going to college. I’ve been talking to my Uncle Paul about taking an apprenticeship with him at his construction company after I graduate. I told you I’m not letting you stay here a second longer than you have to, and part of that is finding a way to support us. I can’t do that if I’m going to college or living in a dorm.”
Darla pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. “Brendan, I don’t want you to give up your dreams for me. If taking that apprenticeship is what you want, then do it. But if what you want is to go to college, then we’ll still make this work.”
“You’re my dream, Dar,” I murmured. “When I think about what life holds for me after high school, the only thing that matters is that you’re with me an
d that you’re safe. I don’t care about the specifics. I care about you. So, yeah, taking that apprenticeship is what I want, because it’s going to let us start our life together.”
She smiled and gave me a kiss, and for a minute, I let myself drown in it. I let myself get high on the way it felt to connect with her like this. But I stopped it before I could let it go down the same path we’d just been on a little while ago. No way in hell was I going to let that happen twice in one night.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too. So much.” I tightened my arms around her. “And I kind of went off on a tangent. None of that was even what made me so upset.”
“There’s more? Because your mom telling you that she expected you to raise Nate was bad enough,” she grumped.
“Oh, yeah. There’s more,” I muttered. “So, I went and picked him up because I just wanted her to shut up. And when we got back…” I paused, taking a deep breath and trying to choke down the lump that rose in my throat just thinking about what he’d heard. “When we got back, my parents were screaming at each other, and Nate actually heard them say that he was a problem and a mistake. And thank God he’s too little to understand this part, but…my dad was yelling at my mom about how she should have thought about how she was too old to be a parent again before she decided to be unfaithful. He’s not even my dad’s son. He’s my half-brother. I have no idea who his father is.”
I couldn’t help it. There were tears in my eyes by the time I got it all out. Thinking about it all was bad enough, but actually saying the words out loud was torture. I wanted to throttle my parents, to try to make them understand that Nathan was just a little kid and that he didn’t deserve for them to be using him as a scapegoat like this.
“Brendan,” she breathed as she sat up and moved to straddle my legs again, then pulled me into as tight of a hug as she could manage. “Oh, my gosh. I don’t…I wish I knew what to say. Well, I do know one thing. It doesn’t matter who Nate’s father is. He’s your brother and you love him. That’s all you need to know, and that’s all he needs to know.”
My Vows Are Sealed (Sealed With a Kiss) Page 20
