“I love you so much,” he said, his lips still touching mine. “You own me too, you know. You always have.”
I smiled, and he kissed me again as he rolled me onto my back and slid his hand back down between my legs. His breath came in a shaky gasp as he pressed a finger between my folds. As he found my small bundle of aching nerve endings, I let out a moan.
“There?” he asked softly as he gave me another kiss.
“Yes,” I gasped.
Tentatively, he started to rub two fingers over the sensitive nub, and I couldn’t have stopped the stream of gasps and moans that escaped my lips if I’d tried. The rest of the world just faded away as the ache was both soothed and intensified.
His hand slid a little further down until he found my opening, testing it for a second before slipping a finger inside me and tentatively starting to move it in and out. I whimpered a little at the pressure and how full I felt, and I froze as realization dawned on me.
Just one of his fingers was completely filling me up. How was he supposed to fit inside me? This was going to hurt. Badly. There was no way it wouldn’t.
Brendan sensed the shift in my mood immediately and moved his hand as he pulled back to look at me.
“What’s wrong, baby?” he asked. “Do you want to stop?”
“No. But…it’s going to hurt,” I mumbled, feeling my cheeks flush with embarrassment. Talk about ruining the moment.
He sighed and gave me a soft kiss. “I wish I could promise it won’t, but I can’t. But I can promise I’ll do everything I can to help it hurt as little as possible. Do you trust me?”
“With my life,” I answered without hesitation.
“Are you sure you want this tonight, Dar?” he pressed. “We still don’t have to.”
“I’m sure. I’m just nervous.”
“Would it help if I told you I am too?” he chuckled uncomfortably. “I’m actually kind of freaking out. But in a good way? If that makes sense?”
I giggled. “It does. That’s about where I’m at.”
He gave me the most adorable smile, complete with those dimples that always made me melt, and kissed me again. I moaned into his mouth as he searched my tongue out, and he put his hand back between my legs, massaging my sensitive nerves again.
“Just relax, baby,” he whispered.
I nodded, and he slid his finger back inside me, slowly starting to move it in and out. At first, I felt the same almost painful pressure from before, but after a minute or two, that lessened and gave way to sparks of pleasure that radiated all the way through me. I started to buck my hips in time with his movements, but just as I was starting to get into a rhythm, he pushed a second finger inside me.
“God,” I gritted out as the pressure came back.
“You okay?” he asked quietly, kissing my neck.
“Yes,” I hissed. “Don’t stop.”
If it had stopped being uncomfortable before with one finger, I knew it would get better with two too. And that gave me hope that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad when we actually got to the main event either.
“I love you,” he whispered, brushing a kiss on my lips.
The sparks and flickers of pleasure that started to course through me soon burst into full-on flames, and a completely different kind of pressure began building up inside me. I felt myself winding tighter and tighter, and I pressed back against his hand, needing more. Like he just knew what I needed, he put his thumb on my aching nerves and started to rub, and suddenly pleasure and warmth like I’d never known before erupted all over my body, making me see stars.
“Brendan,” I cried. “Oh, my God!”
My limbs felt like Jell-O and it took a second for me to be able to open my eyes again when I came down from my high. When I did, I found Brendan looking at me like he’d just witnessed the Resurrection. I flushed in embarrassment and tried to avert my gaze, but he just put a hand on my face and kissed me breathless.
“That was the best moment of my entire life,” he murmured. “I just…I don’t have words.”
Yeah, that wasn’t helping with the embarrassment. But the kiss he gave me before I had to come up with a response did. A little.
Then he took a deep breath and reached to open the drawer of his nightstand, producing a box of condoms that was still in the shrink wrap. Thank God he’d thought to buy those, and that he was thinking about that right now, because honestly, it hadn’t even crossed my mind.
“I bought these when I moved in here,” he mumbled, like he thought he needed to explain why he just happened to have them. “I wasn’t expecting anything. I’d never expect anything from you. I still don’t. You can still tell me you’re not ready. I just wanted to be prepared whenever you were ready.”
“I am,” I promised. “I want this. And I’m glad you thought about protection, because I didn’t. At least one of us is still thinking straight.”
He chuckled and gave me another kiss. “When it comes to taking care of you, thinking isn’t required. It’s automatic.”
He unwrapped the box and retrieved a foil packet before setting it back on his nightstand, then made quick work of rolling the latex on. Apparently sex ed class was actually good for something. I remembered having to roll the condoms on those bananas in tenth grade and how stupid I’d felt for being so horrible at it.
Brendan moved to settle himself between my legs, and the butterflies took up residence in my stomach again. How much would it hurt? Would it even feel good at all? What if I was absolutely horrible at this? I mean, I knew he wouldn’t have anything to compare it to, but still. I wanted this to be good for him, and I had no idea how to accomplish that.
“I need you to help me, Dar,” he said, just above a whisper. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I want to make this good for both of us. So I need you to tell me what you need from me, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
“You ready?”
I took a deep breath. “Yeah. Just…take it slow.”
Instead of answering, he kissed me, and I felt the head of his shaft nudging against my center. He pushed just a couple of inches in, and all of the air left my lungs as the pressure I’d felt when he first put his fingers inside me returned tenfold.
“Okay?” he asked.
I nodded again. “Keep going. It’s okay.”
Slowly, inch by inch, he slid further inside me, and he stopped for a second when he came into contact with the last remnants of my virginity. I yelped a little at the sharp pain that shot through me as he pushed past the barrier, and a few tears stung my eyes.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he said softly, giving me a kiss as he slid his arms under my shoulders. “I love you. What do you need?”
“Just give me a second,” I told him, my voice thick with a thousand different emotions.
But, much to my surprise, guilt wasn’t one of those emotions. Despite the pain that was quickly turning into more of a dull ache, it felt so perfect, so right, to be this intimately connected to the man I loved. Maybe we were both fumbling our way through this, but tonight was ours, and in its own weird and awkward way, it was the most beautiful and romantic night of my life.
“I think I’m okay now,” I told him after a few seconds.
Brendan’s lips found mine again as he slowly pulled about halfway out and pushed back in. I gasped as I felt the effects streaking all the way through my whole body. It still hurt at first, but with every stroke, the pain lessened a little more. He built up a slow, steady pace, and if I thought his fingers felt good…it was nothing compared to this. It felt like my entire body was bursting into flames of pure pleasure and passion.
“Oh, my God. This feels like…” I trailed off, because I didn’t have words.
“Home. It feels like home. Like I’m right where I’m supposed to be,” he whispered as he dipped his head down to pull a nipple into his mouth.
“Brendan,” I moaned as my body went into sensation overload.
I arched my hips and wrapped my legs around his back, t
rying to take him deeper, and he groaned as he released my nipple with a soft pop, still keeping up the same slow pace. He was holding back, and I was desperate to surge forward.
“I need more,” I whimpered in frustration.
“I’m trying to make this last, baby,” he murmured, brushing his lips against mine. “I won’t be able to if I go any faster. You feel too good.”
I couldn’t help it. A few tears leaked out of my eyes. Maybe I was overly emotional tonight, but I’d literally never felt so cherished and loved before in my whole life. And given how he treated me every single day, that was saying something.
“I love you,” I choked out. “So much.”
That earned me another kiss. “You’re my everything.”
Finally, finally, he picked up his speed just a little bit, and I let out a moan as I started to move my hips in time with his thrusts.
“I don’t know how much longer I can hold it,” he grunted.
“Then don’t,” I gasped. “It’s okay.”
“Not without you,” he insisted. “Can I try something?”
“What?” I wondered.
He slid his hand between us and pressed his thumb against my sensitive nub, and I let out an embarrassingly loud moan. I didn’t know how much longer I’d last either if he kept doing that.
“Feel good?” he asked.
“Yes. Don’t. Stop,” I panted.
As he pressed down a little harder, he picked up his pace again, and it only took a few more strokes for me to fall off the edge of the cliff, crying out his name. And with one more pump, he followed me.
“God, Dar,” he groaned as he buried himself as deep as he could.
I could feel him pulsing inside me, and his arms shook with the effort he was exerting to hold himself up. I pulled him down for a kiss, curling my arms around his shoulders, and he lowered himself onto his elbows, letting me feel every inch of him against me.
Part of me expected to feel a twinge of guilt or regret for what I’d just done now that it was over. After all, it went against everything I’d ever been taught about sex and love and intimacy. But I didn’t. Not even a little bit.
It didn’t matter that I hadn’t said “I do” and signed a piece of paper yet. Brendan was my soulmate. And showing him how much I loved him, giving him the only part of myself that I’d been holding back, wasn’t wrong. It was an inevitability.
Chapter 23
Brendan
A Page Is Turned
My head spun as I laid there waiting to regain the use of my muscles, my arms shaking from the effort I was exerting to keep myself from crushing Darla.
When I’d walked in my door after work tonight, I definitely wasn’t expecting this turn of events. I wasn’t expecting today to turn into one of the best and worst days of my whole life.
As incredible as it was to finally get to make love to her, I couldn’t just forget why she’d changed her mind about waiting. I wouldn’t have taken it back for the world, but I sort of felt like I’d taken advantage of her, even though she’d assured me multiple times that she was okay with what was happening. Because I knew it wouldn’t have happened if her father hadn’t come a hair’s breadth away from assaulting her. I just hadn’t been strong enough to say no, especially not when she’d basically begged me. I didn’t think I could have said no to anything she’d asked of me tonight. But I couldn’t help the fear that now that it was over, she’d regret making this choice.
I moved to get up so I could get rid of the condom, but Darla whimpered in protest and tightened her hold on me, like she’d been doing all night. A lump rose in my throat, and I swallowed it down and blinked back tears before pulling back to look at her.
“I won’t even be gone for two minutes,” I promised, giving her a kiss. “I just need to go take care of the condom.”
She nodded timidly, and I kissed her again, then got up, grabbed my boxers, and slipped into the bathroom.
I didn’t know how I was supposed to leave her tomorrow to go to church – because I knew I had to go to keep up appearances – and I didn’t know how I was supposed to let her go to school on Monday. The only time she’d seemed calm tonight was when I was holding her. But people would definitely realize something was wrong if we just never left this apartment all of a sudden.
As I pulled the condom off and tied a knot in it before tossing it in the trash, I noticed a little blood on the outside, so I grabbed a washcloth from under my sink and wet it with some warm water.
When I walked back into the bedroom, Darla was curled up into a ball wearing the shirt I’d given her to sleep in. I went to sit next to her and bent down to kiss her shoulder. She looked over her shoulder at me, then rolled onto her back and pulled me into a kiss that could have set this apartment on fire. I prayed that meant she was still okay with this, but I needed to actually hear the words from her.
“You’re bleeding a little, baby,” I whispered against her lips. “Let me get you cleaned up.”
She turned bright red as she granted me access to wash between her legs, hissing as the cloth came into contact with her center. Thankfully, it was a quick job and there were only a few drops of blood on the sheet. I’d have to change it tomorrow, but I didn’t have to worry about it tonight.
After throwing the washcloth into my laundry basket, I crawled into bed with her, pulling her back into my arms, and she curled into my side, draping an arm across me and planting a kiss on my shoulder. I felt that feather-light brush of her lips all the way down to my soul, and I let out a contented sigh as I combed my fingers through her hair and kissed her forehead.
“Dar, I need you to be honest with me,” I said quietly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m a little sore,” she mumbled.
Damn it. I knew that was normal, but I still hated that I’d caused her any pain at all. Especially tonight.
“Do you need some ibuprofen?” I asked, wanting to do something, anything, to take care of her.
“No. I just need you.”
“I’m right here,” I said for what felt like the millionth time tonight. “And that wasn’t what I meant.”
She chuckled weakly. “I know. Is it weird that I am okay? That I don’t regret it even a little bit?”
Oh, thank God.
“Only if it’s weird that I don’t either.” I tilted her chin up and whispered a kiss over her lips. “I hate the reason it happened, but tonight was the best night of my life.”
Darla sat up and put a hand on my face, looking right into my eyes. “Brendan, the reason I made love to you tonight wasn’t because of what happened with my dad. Yeah, if he hadn’t done what he did, I probably wouldn’t have come here in the first place. And maybe it made me let my guard down a little and not be as scared of making that choice because all I wanted tonight – all I still want – is to be close to you, but none of that is why I changed my mind. I just…I realized that it didn’t matter whether or not we’d signed a piece of paper. I love you and I know without a doubt that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you, and that’s what’s really important to me.”
I pulled her into a kiss, trying to show her even a tenth of what I felt for her. Trying to make sure she knew that I was as committed to her as she was to me. She had no idea how much I’d needed to hear that. Because now I didn’t feel even a little bit guilty about this.
“By the way, it was the best night of my life too,” she whispered when I let her talk. “You were…God, you were perfect.”
“So were you,” I said, stealing another kiss. “And I wasn’t kidding earlier, either. You and I have a date at the courthouse on your eighteenth birthday. But that’s not me asking you to marry me. You deserve a way better proposal than that.”
She chuckled. “Good. Because this would be a weird proposal story to tell our kids one day. But then again, it would go perfectly with the weird not-our-first-kiss story, so…”
I laughed, beyond glad to see a little bit of the Darla I knew and loved
coming back out. I knew she still had a long way to come, but this was leaps and bounds from where she’d been when she first walked in the door.
“Baby, tell me the truth. Are you going to be okay if I go to church tomorrow morning?” I asked her, sighing. “I feel like if I don’t, your dad’s going to know we’re together, but if you don’t feel safe being here alone, I’ll take that chance.”
She sighed too as she curled back up against me, laying her head back on my shoulder. I laid us down, and she hooked her leg over one of mine and squeezed me tight.
“I wish you didn’t have to go, but you’re right,” she mumbled. “If you’re not at church tomorrow, it’s not going to be much of a leap for my dad to guess where I am. I’ll be okay. I’ll call Kate and see if she can come over and keep me company while you’re gone.”
“And if she’s coming over, so is Ash,” I chuckled.
“Pretty much,” she agreed. “Is that okay?”
“Of course it is,” I assured her. “Those two are always welcome here.”
In fact, that actually made me feel even better about leaving her here while I covered our tracks at church. Ashton had been taking jujitsu lessons ever since a couple of bigoted assholes had gotten the jump on them after school one day in their sophomore year. They’d been determined that they were never going to let that happen again. So if they were here, I knew she’d have some protection if her dad decided to come looking while I was gone. And I knew without a doubt that after Darla told Ashton and Kate what had gone down today – actually, since it was now a few minutes after midnight, I guessed it was yesterday – they’d both move Heaven and Earth to be here for her.
“You sure you’re going to be okay, baby?” I pressed as I grabbed my Bible and slid my wallet into the pocket of my khakis.
Darla nodded, hugging my pillow a little tighter. “I’m going to call Kate as soon as I wake up a little more.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed and kissed her forehead. “My cell phone’s on vibrate. If you need me, call. I’ll leave in a heartbeat.”
My Vows Are Sealed (Sealed With a Kiss) Page 25
