Sable was flying back to Europe that morning. Cat drove her to the airport, while Jake got the rest of the entourage together and got them there. Cat walked Sable to the gate, where they met Jake. At the gate, Sable turned to Cat, wanting to say a lot of things but not sure what to actually say. She took Cat into her arms, kissing her lips, then hugging her tight.
“I love you,” Sable breathed, closing her eyes and hoping Cat didn’t freak out at that admission.
Cat’s face, buried in Sable’s long hair, creased in a wince. It wasn’t something she’d wanted to hear. It made things harder. She took a few extra moments to compose herself before she pulled back to look at Sable, her eyes searching the other woman’s.
“You don’t have to say it back,” Sable assured her. “I just felt like I needed to tell you that before I leave.”
Cat flinched slightly, but then she nodded, looking both unhappy and apologetic.
Sable reached out, touching Cat’s cheek with her finger. “It’s okay,” she said softly. “I know you need to figure things out right now. Just call me when you do.”
Cat took Sable’s hand and kissed her palm, then looked back at Sable. “I will, I promise.”
Sable smiled brilliantly, as cameras flashed. The paparazzi had been taking pictures from the moment they’d spotted them pulling up to the airport. As usual, Sable ignored them. Jake extended his hand to Cat, smiling at her.
“We’ll talk to you soon,” he said, winking at her.
“I’m sure,” Cat said, grinning back at him.
With that, Sable was escorted onto her plane. Cat stood by watching for a few minutes, then turned to leave the terminal.
“Are you Sable’s new girlfriend?” one reporter asked.
Cat ignored him.
“Why aren’t you leaving with Sable? Didn’t you come here with her?” another man asked.
Again Cat ignored him, continuing to walk toward the exit. She wore dark glasses and had put her blond hair up in a hat, doing her best to hide her features. No one had gotten her name. She was an undercover cop—her information was strictly confidential. She’d always had it that way. Even people in the Castro who knew her knew never to give out her name. The reporters had hit a stone wall time and time again. She never talked to them, and she wouldn’t start now.
After making her way out to the Cayenne parked in secured parking, she drove to the hospital to pick up Elizabeth. Susan and Deborah were there to see Elizabeth off, and then they were flying back to San Diego. Elizabeth had said very little the entire time she’d been in the hospital. The few words she’d spoken were mostly to Susan, whispered requests. She’d spoken to Cat very little. Cat hadn’t pushed it at all, knowing that she was dealing with a lot of nightmares and trying to get past what had happened.
Cat had spent a lot of time simply sitting next to the bed while Elizabeth slept, which she did most of the time in the hospital, especially, Cat noticed, when Cat was there. Cat tended to think it was contrived, but she didn’t say anything. Things between them were still very much at odds, so it was awkward enough without trying to talk too. It was, assuredly, going to be an awkward long drive to San Diego from San Francisco. A five-hundred-mile stretch.
Cat had already arranged a hotel in San Simeon, assuming that Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to travel too far in one day. She’d also planned the trip so that the drive would be scenic. Elizabeth had once told Cat that she’d never seen the shoreline along Highway 1, by Big Sur and San Simeon, so Cat thought it would be a way to take Elizabeth’s mind off things for a while. It was a concession for Elizabeth’s benefit, since the drive would take much longer along the scenic highway versus the most direct route.
At the hospital, Cat helped get Elizabeth down to the car. She’d wanted to walk, but the hospital staff insisted that she be taken in a wheelchair. At the entrance where Cat was parked, Susan and Deborah hugged Elizabeth, and Cat helped her into the SUV. Elizabeth had become extremely frail to Cat suddenly—gone, at least temporarily, was the fiery Englishwoman she’d known. She’d been replaced with a quiet, almost timid human being. At least Cat thought so.
It didn’t take Elizabeth long to disabuse her of that notion.
They’d been on the road an hour; Cat had just gotten onto Highway 1 going south. Elizabeth had been thus far quiet, keeping her eyes closed, huddled in the passenger seat of the Cayenne. Cat had deliberately kept her music low so as not to disturb Elizabeth if she was trying to sleep. She had no idea that the younger woman wasn’t sleeping—she was seething silently.
Finally, Elizabeth couldn’t contain it any longer. Opening her eyes, she sat up, making a point of looking around her, then over at Cat.
“This is nice,” Elizabeth said, her tone edged ever so slightly.
Cat caught it and knew they were about to fight. Pressing her lips together, she nodded, saying nothing.
“It’s new, isn’t it?” Elizabeth’s voice was light, but Cat could tell it was forced.
Cat curled her lips in a displeased grimace, then she nodded again. “The Blazer was totaled. I cracked an axle and bent the frame when I went off road.”
Elizabeth’s look remained unchanged. “I see,” she said. “And the insurance company saw fit to replace it with a hundred-thousand-dollar Porsche. How interesting.”
“Bet,” Cat warned, “don’t start.”
“Don’t start?” Elizabeth queried, her voice rising slightly. “Because you’ll let Sable Sands buy you a hundred-thousand-dollar vehicle when you wouldn’t let me buy you a damned thing?”
Cat exhaled slowly to rein in her temper. In truth, she could see that Elizabeth was more hurt than angry—she was just using anger like a shield.
“There’s a big difference between you and Sable, Elizabeth,” Cat said, stretching out her fingers on the steering wheel and looking down at them. “She’s worth millions, and she has more coming in all the time. You, on the other hand, have a trust fund—a fixed amount that you are, for all intents and purposes, supposed to live on for the rest of your life. I didn’t want you spending your money on me because of that.”
Elizabeth wasn’t sure if she wanted to accept that answer. “So she has more money than me,” Elizabeth said, sounding dejected suddenly. “She wins.”
Cat looked over at her open-mouthed, unable to answer.
“Since when have I been about money?” she finally asked.
Elizabeth looked back at her, her blue eyes sad, her face indicating concern that she’d said the wrong thing. Finally she shook her head, slowly. She was silent for a while, staring out the window at the scenery. The ocean was blue-green; the sky was just brightening as the morning fog burned away.
“Are you in love with her?” Elizabeth asked, not looking at Cat because she had tears in her eyes at the very thought.
Cat said nothing for so long that Elizabeth finally glanced at her to see if she’d heard. When she did, Cat shook her head.
“I’m not in love with anyone anymore,” Cat said quietly, her tone defeated.
“Including me,” Elizabeth said sadly.
Cat narrowed her eyes a little. “You made your own choices, Elizabeth.”
“I made a mistake, Catalina.”
“And mistakes have consequences too,” Cat said.
“I know that,” Elizabeth snapped, angry at herself for being so weak. “It sent you running to someone else. Is she so much better?” she asked then, her lip trembling.
Cat pulled herself up short. This was not a discussion she wanted to have right now.
“Bet, look,” she said, touching Elizabeth’s hand. “I don’t want to talk about this, okay? Not now. Things are too hard at the moment. Can’t we just…” She paused to hold her hand up in a show of futility. “…not, for now?”
Elizabeth blew her breath out in a sigh. “You’re right,” she said. “I’m sorry. You’ve been so wonderful about all of this, and I need to just…” She shrugged, looking back out the window.
Th
ey were silent for a while. Finally Elizabeth made a comment about the music Cat was listening to, and they talked easily for a while. The rest of the drive was without incident.
That night in the hotel room, they had two queen-sized beds and a nice view of the ocean. Cat stood out on the balcony for a long time, smoking. Elizabeth made a point of leaving her alone. She took a long bath, soaking as the doctor told her she should. She sat in the comfortable chair, reading a book Susan had bought her while in San Francisco. Her mind kept trailing back to what Cat had said that day: “I’m not in love with anyone anymore.” It played over and over in her head. One thing Elizabeth had clung to was the hope that because Cat had come for her, she still loved her. That hope was still hanging in there, despite what Cat had said, but it was growing dimmer by the minute.
Later that night when they were both in their respective beds, Elizabeth had a hard time sleeping. When she did fall asleep, she woke with the nightmares that had awoken her frequently in the hospital. Hands touching her, grabbing her, hurting her—she’d scream, but nothing stopped them, nothing. After forcing herself back to sleep twice, and waking the third time in a cold sweat, Elizabeth got up, pacing the floor, trying to will herself to get back into bed.
Glancing over at Cat’s sleeping form, Elizabeth felt the pull of the security Cat’s presence promised. Cat had always made her feel safe from everything. Now, Elizabeth saw Cat as her savior, the woman who’d rescued her once again, but this time from actual tangible danger. Fighting with herself, Elizabeth hesitated, squeezing her eyes shut to try to force herself to have some control. In the end, it didn’t work.
Cat lay on her side, one arm out, the other on her waist. It was just too inviting. Elizabeth meekly crawled into bed next to Cat, gently laying her head in the crook of Cat’s arm. Cat stirred immediately, opening her eyes, even as the arm under Elizabeth moved to curl around her shoulders automatically.
“What is it, Bet?” Cat asked, reaching up to touch Elizabeth’s cheek gently.
Elizabeth shook her head, then lowered it to rest against Cat’s chest.
Cat stroked her hair, pulling her closer.
“Okay,” Cat said softly, pulling the covers over both of them. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. It’s okay,” she said soothingly as she continued to stroke Elizabeth’s hair.
They lay that way for a long time. Cat felt Elizabeth relax against her. She kissed Elizabeth’s forehead gently, feeling the weight of all that had happened pressing in on her again suddenly. Her fingers brushed Elizabeth’s cheek.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to you sooner,” Cat said, sounding aggrieved.
Elizabeth raised her head. “No, Cat, you saved me,” she said, her voice reflecting her surprise that Cat felt any sort of misgiving about the previous events. “They were going to kill me—they made sure I knew that. You saved my life.” Her fingers curled around Cat’s hand, which was still at her cheek.
Cat said nothing, looking like she was considering that thought. “I wish I could have spared you the rest too, though.”
“I could have spared me that,” Elizabeth said, her eyes haunted suddenly, “but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
“What do you mean?”
“All I had to do was repent,” Elizabeth said, her voice even.
“You said that in the hospital,” Cat said gently. “What does that mean?”
Elizabeth was quiet, her eyes dropping from Cat’s, her thumb moving rhythmically over Cat’s hand that held hers.
“That man was crazy,” she said softly. “He wanted me to repent my sin.”
“What sin?”
“The sin of loving another woman,” Elizabeth said, raising her eyes to Cat’s again. “Of loving you.”
Cat stared back at her, her mouth open in surprise but unable to formulate a response.
“I couldn’t do it,” Elizabeth said. “I wouldn’t.”
That’s when it clicked in Cat’s head. “You mean, they…” she began, unable to say the word “raped.” She touched Elizabeth’s shoulder as her eyes conveyed what she meant.
Elizabeth nodded in response.
“Oh my God, Bet,” Cat said, feeling sick. “Why didn’t you just tell them what they wanted to hear?” she asked, near tears now.
Elizabeth shook her head again. “I couldn’t,” she repeated. “I wouldn’t deny you again. I’d already lost you because of my stupid pride. I wouldn’t lose you again, even if just symbolically.”
“They could have killed you…”
“They were going to anyway,” Elizabeth said, sounding stronger than she had in a long time. “I wasn’t going to let them take you away from me too.”
Cat felt her heart ache. Saying nothing, she pulled Elizabeth into her arms, holding her close. Her heart was as confused as her head was now. She had no words to explain it. She prayed that Elizabeth wouldn’t ask her to. Thankfully, Elizabeth didn’t. They spent the rest of the night with Cat holding Elizabeth close. They eventually fell asleep.
When they woke the next morning, Elizabeth looked up at Cat, reaching out to touch Cat’s cheek. Cat opened her eyes, looking down into Elizabeth’s deep blue eyes. Elizabeth moved her finger to Cat’s lips and kept it there as she began to speak. She’d lain there for a half hour going over it in her head. She wanted to say it now before they got up and forgot the closeness of the night before.
“I know I’ve hurt you,” Elizabeth said in a tremulous voice, “and I know that you may never be able to forgive that. But I love you, more than I ever realized before. I was a stupid fool, thinking that because people said or thought that we were wrong, that we really were. I ran after something normal, to try to put my own doubts to death. And in doing that I hurt the only person that’s ever truly loved me for me. I’m so sorry,” she said, tears in her eyes.
Cat looked affected by Elizabeth’s words, reaching out to brush away the tears that spilled over then. But she said nothing, partly because Elizabeth’s finger still touched her lips, and also because she couldn’t think of anything to say.
“When we get back to San Diego,” Elizabeth began tentatively, “will you be staying? Or are you going back to Europe?”
“I live in San Diego, Bet,” Cat said gently, when Elizabeth moved her finger. “My job is in San Diego.”
“And the apartment?” Elizabeth asked.
“Once you’re back to full strength,” she said, her tone still gentle, “I’ll get my own place again.”
Elizabeth nodded, looking like she was doing her best to accept that.
“Will you at least see me?” Elizabeth asked, throwing all pride aside.
“Let’s take it one step at a time, okay?” Cat said, smiling softly.
“Okay,” Elizabeth said, smiling tentatively too.
***
Colby Youngblood knocked on the bedroom door and waited obediently for the words “come in” before he opened it. He wasn’t surprised to see his mother sitting up on the bed reading a report of some kind. She was wearing silk pajamas. Kashena was lying on her stomach next to his mother, her arm over Sierra’s abdomen. Kashena wore sweatpant-style shorts and a tank shirt. It was a common scene. His mother had explained that it was the way she and Kashena unwound at night. He’d often come in to find them talking about something, but in the exact same positions. Kashena often went to the gym at night after they got home; she’d come home, shower, eat dinner with them. Then Colby would go to do his homework, and they’d go to Kashena’s room to “unwind.”
He liked that there was never any arguing, never raised voices. His mother laughed often and smiled all the time. Somehow Colby knew that had everything to do with Kashena. Kashena too was very warm and kind. She never treated Colby like a stranger; she also didn’t hesitate to correct him when he did something he shouldn’t, like the time he decided to try to brew hot cocoa in the coffee pot. She’d informed him that if she was unable to fix the coffee pot, the money to buy a new one would come out of his allowance.
Colby was sufficiently cowed, but happy that Kashena wasn’t the type to hit. She never threatened violence of any kind. It was something Colby was relieved about. The time of violence seemed very far away now.
Jason was still in jail for his attack on Sierra. Colby had gone to see him a few times, but Jason’s anger about being arrested was so tangible that even Colby didn’t want to be around it.
“Uh, Mom,” Colby began hesitantly.
“Yes?” Sierra asked, recognizing her son’s oops-I-forgot-something look.
“I, uh, well, I kinda forgot to give you this,” Colby said, walking forward and handing the green paper to his mother.
Sierra read it over, then looked at her son. “This field trip is tomorrow, Colby James Youngblood.”
“I know,” Colby said, lowering his eyes from his mother’s. “But we got lots of parents going, and I knew you couldn’t go, and I just… I forgot to give you the permission slip. Can I still go?”
“Lots of parents?” Sierra questioned. “Like whose parents?”
“Like Tommy’s mom, and Sarah’s mom, and both of Jane’s dads, and—”
“Both of Jane’s dads?”
“Well, yeah,” Colby said, shrugging. “Jane’s mom and dad got divorced when she was a baby, and Jane’s dad married a man.”
Kashena lifted her head and smiled at Sierra, then looked over at Colby. She moved to sit up.
“What do you think of that, Colby?” Sierra asked, glancing at Kashena.
“Of what?” Colby asked.
“Of Jane having two dads,” Kashena said.
Colby looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. “I think I’m luckier.”
“How so?” Sierra asked.
“’Cause everyone knows two moms is better than two dads,” Colby said with an impish grin.
“Oh really?” Kashena raised an eyebrow at him, hiding her surprise at his statement well.
“Since when do you have two moms?” Sierra asked, her tone serious.
Darkness Past Page 30
