by Helen Harper
Oh. It occurred to me that he had a point. I twitched uncomfortably. ‘It’s not like that,’ I said in stubborn denial. ‘I was just trying to find my place here, that’s all. I know who I used to be – sort of – and I’m trying to get that back.’
Rubus raised a questioning eyebrow. Perhaps I was protesting too much.
‘Well,’ I said, ‘it’s not like I belong with Morgan, is it? He’s all angelic and good and self-righteous. And I don’t want to be on my own. It’s boring. And,’ I brushed my own fingers against my heart, ‘it hurts.’ I sniffed loudly. ‘So this must be where I’m supposed to be. But you don’t trust me and I don’t seem to have any friends. I just want to find something I’m good at. Is that so bad?’
‘I wasn’t criticising you, far from it. In fact, you have no idea how happy this makes me.’ He glanced behind, his eyes drifting towards his unmade bed. Uh-oh.
I looked away hastily before I was forced to register the open invitation on his face. ‘Anyway,’ I said, in my best brisk and business-like tone and without even pausing for breath, ‘I do need to talk to you. First of all, I’ve been contact with my soap-star friend. She will meet you for dinner tomorrow night. I told her that you’re a perfect gentleman and that she shouldn’t worry about being with you. I even told her she could leave her bodyguard at home.’
‘You’re still not prepared to tell me who she is?’ he enquired, stepping back. I started to relax again.
‘I signed an NDA. I told you.’
‘That’s a human thing,’ he dismissed. ‘Who really cares about some daft piece of paper?’
‘She does. If you want to meet her, we need to do things her way,’ I said. ‘I can’t control her. Besides,’ I added, raising my shoulders, ‘it’ll be a fun surprise.’
‘Much as I know you like to shock, I’m not a fan of surprises,’ Rubus told me.
I snorted. ‘Try being me. I’ve been nothing but surprised since I woke up last week.’
‘Poor, poor Madrona.’
I couldn’t tell whether he was being sardonic. ‘It’s really hard.’
‘It must be.’ He gazed at me assessingly for a moment. ‘You shouted something about Chen too.’
So I did. I tilted up my chin and kept my eyes focused on Rubus’s face. I needed to absorb every twitch and every tell. This was important. Sticking to the truth as closely as I could, I outlined what the taxi driver had told me before moving onto the really juicy stuff. ‘So I got him to drop me off at Chen’s place. He was right, the whole building has been pretty much destroyed. None of the surrounding structures were damaged. I’m no arson expert but it looked deliberate to me.’
For a long moment Rubus didn’t say anything; he simply stared at me, his green Fey eyes as hard as sea glass. I watched him, praying for a reaction to give me a clue about might have happened to Chen’s safe or where Rubus might have taken it.
When he did finally speak, he didn’t try to hide anything. His lips pulled back over his teeth in an animalistic snarl and his muscles quivered with barely repressed tension. ‘What are you doing investigating the dragon? Haven’t I given you enough to do? What about my dust that you lost? I still need it back, Madrona. This amnesia business only takes you so far, you know. You’re still under orders. My orders.’
I blinked, taken aback by his sudden, livid fury. ‘I … er … I…’ I had been expecting another of Rubus’s inscrutable masks, not this no-holds-barred emotion. Given that a moment ago, I was sure he was ready to invite me to fall on his duvet and spread my legs, this volte-face was more than a little disturbing. And people called me the Madhatter. At least I was fairly consistent.
‘I was taking the initiative,’ I said. ‘The information about Chen fell into my lap. It was no trouble to swing by there and see his place for myself.’
‘Don’t take the initiative. Don’t think. Just do what the hell I tell you to do.’ He glared at me. ‘Stay away from anything to do with Chen or Charrie’s disappearance or my fucking sphere.’ He jabbed his finger at me. ‘Those are my concern, not yours. Understood?’
‘Well, yes, but—’
‘Good,’ he growled. ‘Now get out.’
I was tempted to stand my ground and argue but this wasn’t Morgan. The anger ripping through Rubus’s body, and which I could swear was making him shake, was genuinely scary. He couldn’t hurt me – the truce saw to that – but that didn’t mean he wasn’t uber-intimidating.
My delay in reacting only served to increase his anger. ‘If you think this is one of those times when you can snap out a silly insult, Madrona, you are severely underestimating the situation.’
‘I wasn’t—’
‘Get the fuck out!’ he roared.
I was smart enough to do as he asked. Wheeling round, I skedaddled out of his room. As soon as the door closed behind me, there was a screeching roar and the sound of breaking glass. Rubus was very, very annoyed.
That answered one question then. He didn’t know about the fire – and he didn’t know about Chen’s missing safe, either.
***
It was tempting to hang around and see what happened next. Which minion did Rubus trust enough to talk to? Where would he go now? But loitering outside his room, especially with the annoyingly stoic Fey guard outside, would only draw further attention to myself. If I skipped off with Lunaria for the shopping expedition I’d promised, I’d appear more trustworthy. Sneaky Madrona understood not to over-cook her goose. A good spy might lurk and listen; a great spy would appear blithely unconcerned, stay under the radar and look for clues only when it was absolutely safe to do so. And anyway, I really needed some better clothes.
I caught up with Lunaria out towards the front. She was deep in conversation with another Fey. As I approached, she passed him a memory stick. He grunted his thanks and strode away before I could reach the pair of them.
‘Hey,’ I said. ‘Sharing your illegally downloaded porn collection with another person isn’t a great idea, you know. At least when it’s a guy. Your memory stick will come back all sticky.’
Rather than smile, Lunaria looked flustered. She smoothed down her hair with one hand. ‘That? That wasn’t porn. It was just some…’ she hesitated, as if trying to think of the most plausible lie ‘ …photos,’ she finished with an awkward grimace.
‘Sexy photos?’
She shook her head, alarmed. ‘No!’
‘Kinky photos?’
‘Madrona, stop it!’
I opened my eyes wide in mock horror. ‘It’s not water sports, is it? And I’m not talking about surfing. I mean the sort of water sports where your partner—’
‘Madrona! Enough!’
I held up my hands. ‘Okay.’ I grinned wickedly. ‘I submit.’
Lunaria rolled her eyes. ‘You’re incorrigible.’
My grin widened. ‘I know.’ I looked her up and down. The flowery dress I’d insulted earlier had been replaced with a boring jeans and T-shirt uniform. It was depressingly identical to my own outfit. ‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Rubus is in a foul mood and I don’t feel like I’ve had any fun for ages.’ I pursed my lips. ‘I can’t ever remember having real fun. Isn’t that depressing? I definitely need some retail therapy.’
She clapped her hands. ‘Great! I was thinking we could hit the big department store out on the high street near the library. There are all sorts of designer labels there.’
‘Mmmhmm.’ I took her arm. ‘Let’s walk. Maybe we’ll find a few boutiques along the way.’
‘I literally can’t wait.’
My smile vanished. ‘You literally can wait. You literally have to wait.’
Lunaria stared at me. ‘It’s just a figure of speech.’
I bit back my retort. Evil Madrona did not have to mean Pedantic Grammar Bitch Madrona. Maybe I’d indulge that side of myself later, though.
Chapter Six
We tottered happily down the pavement together. Lunaria was a good foot taller than me so it was easy to block her constant s
tream of inane chatter by keeping my head angled down. I amused myself by stoutly refusing to alter my path for other pedestrians. It was rather fun playing chicken with everyone else. At one point I almost collided with some metrosexual guy with a man bun. He scowled at me when he was forced to sidestep to avoid smacking into me. I beamed. My pavement.
We’d just reached the first bank of shops when Lunaria delved into her pocket and drew out a packet of cigarettes. She offered me one, looking surprised when I declined. ‘It’s so terribly passé for villains to smoke these days,’ I said, pretending I knew what in gasbudlikin hell I was talking about. ‘I’ve quit.’
‘Good for you,’ she told me. ‘But we’re not villains. We’re the good guys. We’re working to bring everyone home – or at least we’re working to help Rubus bring everyone home.’
I resisted the urge to reach up and throttle her. She was too tall for my hands to reach anyway. ‘Aw,’ I said instead, pointing across the street at a woman holding a toddler’s hand. ‘Isn’t that kid cute?’
She followed my gaze. ‘Yeah,’ she said unconvincingly.
‘You agree with me?’ I gave her a surprised look. ‘It’s barely knee height and it’s probably already a terror. Snot is dripping from its nose. I can smell its nappy from here!’
‘The kid’s mother wouldn’t thank you for calling her child “it”,’ Lunaria murmured.
‘At least when Rubus brings us all home to Mag Mell, there won’t be any more kids like that. That woman will finally be free of all her obligations and responsibilities.’ I gave them both a critical eye. ‘If she survives.’
Lunaria frowned. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘You know.’ I pointed towards them. ‘When Rubus gets back the sphere and uses it to force open the borders to Mag Mell so we can get home, this entire demesne will be flooded with magic. I’ve had it all explained to me. Most humans won’t survive. This place isn’t meant for magic.’ I leaned in towards her. ‘If they’re not good enough for the magic, then they’re not good enough to live. Just like that brat over there.’
Her brow furrowed slightly. ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘You’re right.’ She sounded unconvinced and I allowed myself a tiny smile. If I couldn’t bulldoze my villainous way into making faeries like Lunaria see that what Rubus was doing was wrong, I’d have be more subtle. Judging by the expression on Lunaria’s face, it was already working.
‘Look!’
Lunaria jumped, seemingly reluctant to see what had caught my eye this time. ‘What?’
‘That’s the shop we need!’ I burbled. I took off across the street, ignoring the car bearing down on me and the screeching of a horn as I crossed. I didn’t check to see if the Fey was following me. I knew she would be.
The shop in question had covered windows with nothing on display. I smiled cheerily and entered. The dim interior was exactly as I’d hoped – pink and red lights, tacky plastic sex toys and a range of interesting whips.
‘Madrona,’ Lunaria whispered at my back. ‘This isn’t a clothes shop.’
‘I know. Isn’t it great?’ I ignored the greasy-haired man with a twinkle in his eye at the counter and headed for the clothes rail in the corner. ‘This,’ I declared, alighting upon a black leather corset and pulling it out. ‘This is what I want.’ I glanced at the shop assistant. ‘Do you have any matching trousers?’ I asked.
‘Crotchless?’
I tapped my mouth as if considering. ‘Hmm. Probably not a good idea.’
He pointed to another rail. Lunaria stood in the middle of the shop, as if afraid to touch anything. I smirked. ‘Come on, Loony,’ I murmured. ‘I reckon there’s plenty in here that’ll fit you. And that Rubus will appreciate.’
That last part did the trick. While I ambled into the pungent dressing room to try on my outfit, Lunaria started searching for something. Some shiny red PVC would do wonders for her complexion.
***
We spent far longer in the sex shop than should have been necessary. That wasn’t because we were perusing all that was on offer with keen buyers’ eyes but because it took so long to get into the clothes. I tried not to think about how many other people had tried on this same pair of tight leather trousers and decided that, now I was wearing them, I was going to stick with them. The corset was particularly pleasing. If I were a breast man, I’d definitely be appreciative of the plumped flesh I was currently displaying. I wondered which anatomical part Morgan favoured.
Lunaria, whose outfit was very similar to mine, walked out of the shop with a bow-legged gait like she’d just spent three weeks riding a horse across a dusty, American state. She plucked at the leather that stretched tautly across her thighs and grimaced. ‘It’s quite itchy, isn’t it?’
‘I rather like the feel of it against my skin,’ I said, enjoying the gaping mouths of the pedestrians, both male and female, who passed us. I was hoping for some irritating human male who took the outfit as an invitation to wolf whistle – or worse. I had a lot of pent-up aggression after dealing with Rubus and I could do with dragging someone into an alley and beating them up.
I frowned down at my arms. I possessed weak muscles and hadn’t had time to pump some iron in a gym or learn a swanky martial art. Perhaps I could glamour myself some fabulous new biceps – though I’d have to be careful not to overdo it. I didn’t want to ruin my new dominatrix look.
‘What are you doing, Madrona?’ Lunaria asked, glancing at my screwed-up face.
‘Trying to glamour myself some muscles,’ I said. I flexed. ‘Do these look bigger to you?’
She laughed. ‘You’re funny.’
Was I? I frowned at her. She just smirked back.
I was about to ask her to explain when something odd caught my peripheral vision. I half turned, my gaze catching on a flutter of purple fabric that disappeared behind one of the rooftops opposite. That was … interesting. It wasn’t windy enough for it to be a kite or a piece of loose rubbish caught by a breeze. I maintained my pace and kept my head pointed forward but I was fully alert for further signs.
‘Do you really think Rubus will like my outfit?’ Lunaria asked, oblivious.
‘He’ll love it.’ I had no idea why she believed I had insights into Rubus’s mind. I did have amnesia, after all. Even if my old self had been close enough to him to know what his penchants were, for all I knew now he had a kink for frilly waitress uniforms. If I were to take a guess, I reckoned that he probably couldn’t give a shit what anyone else wore. The man was far too self-obsessed.
There was another flicker of movement over the rooftop and this time it wasn’t a piece of flapping fabric; I could have sworn it was actually a face, peering round a chimney at us. We were being followed but by what – or by whom – I had no idea. Maybe this was someone related to Morgan. Either way, I had to ditch Lunaria and find out.
‘You know what?’ I said. ‘You should go ahead. If we stroll into the hideout together, the attention will be on me because I look so hot in this outfit. You want Rubus to notice you. If you go in first, and I give you a bit of time to find him, he’ll focus all his interest on you.’
Her eyes shone. ‘Do you really think he’ll be interested?’
I pointed at her. ‘Look at you! If he’s not, then the man’s a fool!’ I gave her a little nudge. ‘Go on. I’ll wait here for about twenty minutes then head in. You can tell the others that I stopped to buy some shoes or something.’ I shrugged. ‘Or whatever.’
Lunaria leaned over and kissed my cheek. ‘You are the best friend ever.’
‘You can thank me later,’ I said drily. ‘Go on.’
Wreathed in smiles, she darted ahead. I watched her go, waiting until she was out of sight before I swung round. Alrighty, Mr Tail. Where are you now? I held my breath. A moment later there was a loud squawk and several birds flew up into the air. I couldn’t see any sign of a person but I now knew where they were hiding. With my shoulders pulled back, I marched across the street.
I gazed upwards. From
this angle, I couldn’t see a damned thing. In an alternate universe maybe I could have managed to shimmy up the drainpipe then sprint catlike across the rooftops to catch the fellow – but it seemed highly unlikely in this outfit. I decided that improvisation was the only way to go.
Glancing around, I spotted a litter bin nearby. I reached inside, hoping for something like a dog-poo bag filled to the brim. The first thing my fingers grabbed was a fizzy-drink can. Well, at least it would be aerodynamic.
Rather than launching it directly at the spot where I assumed my tracker was cowering, I aimed slightly for the left; after all, this could be a friend rather than a foe. I released my makeshift missile, sending it upwards. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, my aim was off. Instead of smacking into the tiles next to the chimney, the can bounced off a dirty satellite dish and rolled back down, landing next to me and spraying sticky juice all over my new leather trousers.
I cursed to myself as I bent over to wipe them down. As I did so, I heard a muffled yelp followed by a thud. By the sounds of things, Mr Tail had fallen off the roof of his own accord. Abandoning cleaning my trousers, I straightened up and glanced round. He must have landed on the other side of the buildings.
I couldn’t waste any more time. I sprinted down the pavement, rounding the first bend so I could go round the back of the terraced row of shops. This street was quieter and I couldn’t see anyone. I ran as fast as I could – and almost missed him. It was the clatter of a dustbin lid that eventually gave him away. Whoever he was, he was a clumsy arsebadger.
I wheeled round, my eyes scanning the area. There, crouching down with the offending bin lid held in front of his body as if it were a glorious shield, was a small man of about seventy years old.
I stalked over until I was standing in front of him. I put my hands on my hips. ‘Well, well, well,’ I drawled. ‘What do we have here?’
He pulled the dustbin lid up a bit higher, concealing his face.
