"I'm so confused," she grumbled into her pillow.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
"Sofia?"
"Rey?" she mumbled, unsure if she'd truly heard anything at all. The buffer of walls, a pillow, and a foggy mind had her questioning everything.
"Sofia, please open up."
It really was Rey. Sofia tossed the pillow to the floor and called out, "Coming."
Rolling up to a seated position, she stooped with hands on knees and gathered her senses. The hangover wasn't nearly as bad as expected, though she still used caution as she rose to her feet. Slow shuffling steps carried Sofia past her bedroom mirror and the ungodly sight of her messy hair and puffy face. Just fabulous. She rolled her reddened eyes in admonishment and cursed the fact she had to get up at all. When she opened the door, Reyna entered with takeout bag in hand and Sofia ignored the worrisome gaze raking over every detail of her ragged appearance.
"Are you okay?" Reyna looked her up and down. The softness in her tone said she already knew the answer, even if she lacked all the details. "You didn't meet me for brunch and you didn't answer your phone. Christ, Sofia, I was worried to death."
"I'm sorry. I'm fine. I guess I overslept." Her stomach rumbled at the mention of food. She always looked forward to brunch and indulging in her favorite meal. "I really could have eaten too."
"Well, you're in luck. I had already ordered your favorite and took both of our meals to go when I realized you had gone missing."
"I'm not missing."
"I see that, but you're not off the hook." Reyna patted the stool at the kitchen island and then pulled out two cardboard containers filled with food. A plastic fork and knife were set out beside each one, finished with a folded napkin. "It was easy since you only ever order one meal there. Such a creature of habit." She laughed, then opened her container and took a bite of her strawberry crepe. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she groaned with unabashed pleasure. "God, I've been craving these all week."
Sofia inhaled the savory aroma of her own meal—beef hash smothered with cheese, homemade rosemary potatoes, and eggs. It looked like a heart attack on a plate, but it was addictive and only Melba's Diner made it. Good thing it was only available one time a week.
Silence filled the room, giving way on occasion to the satisfied groans that accompanied an amazing meal. When Reyna had finished her last bite, she washed it down with her orange juice and then leaned back in her chair and stared at Sofia. "Something is different about you. What happened?"
Sofia took the time to finish her bite as a million thoughts raced through her mind. What had happened? That was the question that had driven her to madness last night. She set her fork down and tears unexpectedly filled her eyes. "So many things, Rey," she choked out.
"Whoa, whoa, easy. Come here." Reyna rushed forward and enveloped Sofia into the warmth and safety of her arms as she sobbed it out. "It's okay. Just start from the beginning."
"I thought…" Sofia croaked, then took a deep breath and steadied herself, though she remained fully invested in the strength of their embrace. "I thought I had it all figured out, Rey."
"Wait, let's sit somewhere more comfortable." Reyna released her hold, but took one of Sofia's hands in her own and led her to the couch. An empty Star Trek Voyager DVD case took up the much needed space on the center cushion. She set it on the coffee table and once they were both settled, she asked, "Had what figured out?"
Sofia let out a shaky sigh, then said, "This life as a widow thing. Going on in life after losing Kylar. I did hour upon hour of therapy, meditation, talking to her, and every other thing my therapist had told me or I read in books. All anyone could say was that it was a process. It was a long fucking process."
"It was a rough road," Reyna agreed, squeezing her hand tighter in support.
Sofia nodded and looked to the ceiling. Again, no answers. Thanks a lot. "I thought I'd finally made it through."
"But?"
"But then," her eyes locked on Reyna's, "she comes along and it's all new, but different. Intense. Confusing. Amazing. Painful." Her eyes fell to the floor. Her heart thumped wildly at the thought of Allie, but then traitorously stabbed her, bringing back the memory of her own hasty retreat.
"She?"
"And when she kissed me," Sofia continued, ignoring Rey's question. She just needed to get this out. She needed to process. "It was a million things I don't even have words for, but it was as powerful as a rocket launch and ten times as bright. And it hurt. It hurt so much that I ran." Her body sank into Reyna's.
Reyna's brows knitted at the sorrowful confession. "Shhhh," she soothed, draping her arm around Sofia's back and pulling her in close. "It's okay." When Sofia calmed, she asked, "Why was it painful?"
"Because..." Sofia drew in a deep breath. Why? She'd gone round and round on that one until she'd had enough wine to shut her overworked mind down. But now, in the light of day and in a mostly sober state, her truth fell out unhindered. "Because, it was so profound…and…" She sucked in a breath and slipped her hand from Reyna's. "I feel guilty for enjoying it so much. For wanting more of it, more of her, in a way I can't even begin to explain."
Wide-eyed, Sofia couldn't believe what she'd said. Guilty. Yes, that was it exactly. Guilty, not so much for enjoying the touch of another woman, because she had done that a couple of times since, but guilty for craving it so much from Allie. For having such strong desire for anyone other than her wife. It felt like cheating, even though she could easily justify why it wasn't. Not even close.
Since the kiss, she'd found herself comparing the two. Kylar had always felt comfortable, warm, safe. Sofia had loved her without question, still loved her today, but Allie...she made her feel free, the way you do at home that lets you dance naked and sing badly at the top of your lungs. And Allie was familiar in the best of ways, like snuggling into your favorite comforter at the end of a long day. How that could happen when she barely knew the woman, made zero sense at all. It defied everything she had believed and it only made her feel worse. It also made Kylar's loss feel final. Falling for someone else felt like the final goodbye. Was she ready for that?
Maybe I just need to get laid. It had been eight months since she'd last indulged in the touch of another. An empty touch, she reminded herself. If nothing else, Sofia was certain the experience with Allie would be anything other than empty. Her toes curled at the thought. But she was definitely not ready for that, even if the thought had been running rampant since their kiss. Having Allie in that way…there'd be no turning back.
"Wow." Reyna sat back, her brows arched and jaw slack. "That…is, um, intense," she sputtered, then paused, seeming to consider her next words carefully. "But you shouldn't feel guilty, Sofia. You should not for one second feel guilty for finding someone who makes you happy. You are allowed to move on. Kylar would hate that you're living your life in a shell."
This again? "I am happy," Sofia said, folding her arms across her chest as she leaned back in defense.
"No, Sof, you're not." Reyna threw her hands up. "Not really. You haven't been since she died and I get it. I totally get it, Sofia. But if you've finally found another person to enjoy your life with, you should be ecstatic and jump on it. That's what people dream about. It can't all be work and shutting yourself out. What if you live to be one hundred?"
"Pfft. Be realistic, Rey."
"What? People live that long, but fine, how about eighty? Do you really want to live almost another fifty years alone?"
Sofia fell silent. Her mind churned over the question. Did she really want to be alone? She'd never truly contemplated her future. She'd just gone day by day until they were all a blur of wake, work, sleep, repeat—a far cry from her vibrant life before Kylar had gotten sick. She had acknowledged her feelings of guilt, but another thing niggled the back of her mind, keeping the lock on her heart. "But you only get one true love. I can't give her what she truly needs or deserves and that's not fair to her."
"Who says you only
get one?" Reyna arched a brow. The challenge in her eyes dared Sofia to argue.
She didn't.
"I don't think there's a rule book on love or soul mates. Look, Sofia, I may not believe in many things, but I do believe people come into our lives for various reasons. Sometimes, it's something we need. Sometimes, it's something they need. Fate, destiny, God, whatever you believe in, has a plan for each of us and has a funny way of delivering."
In Reyna's pause, the weight of that "delivery" pressed painfully hard upon Sofia's sternum to the point she was certain her bones would give way. She could practically feel them cracking. She closed her eyes and inhaled what was sure to be her last breath, but the touch of Reyna's hand on her arm set her free. Air rushed into her lungs once again and her eyelids fluttered open.
"Sof…"
Reyna looked at her with a touch of sympathy and Sofia hated it. She hated the look everyone had given her since the day of the diagnosis. She didn't need their pity or their well wishes. For long seconds, anger bubbled in her blood, but the way Reyna softly said her name reminded her that she wasn't in this alone. She had never been alone. Others had suffered the loss as well and they had found strength in one another. She looked Rey in the eye and immediately knew her best friend had read the sudden change in mood.
"You said this woman shook you to your core," Reyna began again slow and soft, treading with careful steps. "That doesn't have to mean you loved your wife any less or that you will love the next woman any more. Remember, all loves are different and you are different now. What if the fates, knowing that Kylar had little time here, granted her the gift of your love? And what if your gift is now another chance at true happiness? You gave selflessly and suffered greatly. The fates are in your favor, Sofia."
Anger surged forth again, rushing through her like a firestorm, scorching her veins, burning her skin, and then flared from her mouth like a flamethrower. "You've been watching too much Hunger Games. Fate. Destiny. I don't believe in them." Her fists balled and she wished she could punch whatever power had made those decisions square in the face. "But if they are true, then they can piss off for putting Kylar and me through such a thing. She deserved better. She deserved a full life. We deserved one together."
Reyna's eyes turned soft. She reached again for Sofia's hand and clasped it between her own. "I know." Her thumb traced soothing circles over the top. "But you also know bad things happen to good people. We don't all get to grow old, but we should be grateful for the things we are given along the way. Those things that make life worthwhile, hang on to them with everything you've got so when it's your time to go, you can say your journey here was a good one."
Sofia looked away. She'd been given something wonderful once upon a time and she was still beyond grateful. Why did holding on to it seem to concern everyone so much? Reyna's advice seemed to contradict itself, even though she'd understood the underlying message. She struggled to pull free, but was deterred. She wanted to be angry, she really did, but all fight seeped away. Giving in, she relaxed and met Reyna's eyes once more.
Reyna smiled. "It sounds like you've been given another opportunity, Sofia. I suggest you grab it with both hands," her grip tightened, "and see where it goes. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe she's just a hot piece of ass and your libido has finally crawled out of retirement." A laugh followed. "Or maybe, she's the one. Don't weigh them against one another. Just be present. Enjoy it."
This time, no retort came out. Sofia merely took it all in. Could Rey be right? The sensations brought about by Allie had echoed many of her sentiments. She would need to process, but she would have to do it fast. In a few hours, she was supposed to meet Allie for dinner and as many questions as she still had, Sofia knew without a doubt she'd never be able to make herself skip that date.
"So, do I get to know this mystery woman's name?"
Oh no. I can't handle that right now. I still need a plan to deal with Runa. Her lips pressed into a thin line and she shook her head. "Not yet. If it's okay, I just want to keep it to myself for a bit?"
"Gawd woman! You're killin' me!" Reyna barked with laughter. She let go of Sofia's hand and fell back into the cushions. "But fine. For now, anyway. If I have to pull out the big guns for another heart to heart like this though, you are giving me all the details. Got it, missy?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thank you."
"I should've bought a second set of crepes. I just can't get enough of the damn things. I will have to work out extra hard this week."
And just like that, the topic had shifted. Sofia let out a relieved breath and tuned out the rest of her friend's rambling. Her mind had focus for just one thing—an extremely charismatic, dreamy, brunette that she could not wait to see again.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
6:20. Allie groaned at the watch she'd glanced at for the hundredth time since she'd been seated. Restless fingers picked at the tiny hangnail she'd created on her left pinky and legs bounced as if she were hyped up on caffeine. She glanced around the room, feeling as if all eyes were on her and her sketchy behavior, but no one gave her a look, not even one of pity for having been stood up.
6:21. The watch face scoffed at her pain. Acid in her stomach churned once more, nausea taking over as the reality set in. Sofia wasn't going to show. It was time to throw in the towel, call a spade a spade, or whatever. Maybe the woman had issues and she'd dodged a bullet. She should probably reconsider her previous idea of staking out O'Malley's again, but she could dwell on that later, most likely over a whiskey sour at O'Malley's. Or maybe tequila would be a better bet. That had a history of erasing her memory. If she could forget Sofia had ever existed, she wouldn't hurt so much.
Allie sighed and scolded herself for falling so easily for a total stranger. Had she become so desperate to find her soulmate that she'd gone all in on the first pretty face that caught her attention?
No, that wasn't it, or else she would have tried to make things work with Runa. But they just didn't click. Sofia clicked, big time. Effortless. Comfortable. Like they'd been together forever.
6:22. That was it. She was tired of being pathetic. Time to get out with a little pride intact. Scanning the room one last time before making her exit, Allie's world came to a screeching halt when she landed on the face she'd longed to see again.
♥♥♥
Walking into the restaurant twenty minutes late, Sofia had warred with herself for the last hour over whether or not to show. Yes, she couldn't wait to see Allie again. It had been oddly painful to be away from the woman who was a virtual stranger. She still had her concerns and a small tugging at her conscience, but Rey was right, she needed to try. Her heart wouldn't let her ignore the unearthly pull anyway. That had to count for something. When she stepped into the dining area and spotted Allie, all concerns faded into the background.
Allie was beautiful in her open-back black dress with her hair down and pulled behind her shoulders. Her knee bounced a mile a minute. A frown hardened the soft lines of her face as she checked her watch for the third time since Sofia had been staring at her.
Regret crashed over Sofia for having put her in that position. Their connection had been intense, magnetic. No, more than that. More like gravitational. Magnetic inferred that one could be repelled as easily as attracted. Gravity, on the other hand, while not the strongest on the scale in physics, was persistent. Gravity always won out and she had gravitated toward Allie since the first time she'd laid eyes on her. Their meeting somehow felt inevitable. Forces of the universe could never be denied.
Smoothing over her gray button-down, Sofia took a deep breath and walked with purpose toward her date. Seeing the woman in full color under the lights sucked the air from her lungs. "So beautiful," she whispered to herself, stopping mid-stride as Allie's eyes landed on her.
Sadness instantly melted into relief. "Thank God." Allie jumped from her seat, obviously anxious to reach out, but uncertainty ruled and she pulled back. "I didn't have your number and I was starting to think you weren't
going to come."
"I considered it. I'm horribly embarrassed by the way I left, but I…really wanted to see you again." With a remorseful smile, she gingerly scooted around to her chair on the other side of the table. She settled in and Allie did the same. "I'm so, so, so sorry, Allie. Sorry for my reaction and for upsetting you. And for being late."
"What happened? I thought, ya know, you were feeling it too, but I'm sorry if I-"
"Don't. It wasn't you."
"The old 'it wasn't you, it's me' isn't the best way to start a date, Sofia." Her joking tone couldn't hide the fear embedded in her words.
An embarrassed chuckle fell free. "True." Shaky fingers trailed nervously through her short hair. "I did feel it. All ten tons of the truck named Allie that hit me square in the heart."
A shy smile struck Allie's lips, until her face contorted into confusion. "Then, why did you run?"
"I uh...um, I don't think it's really first date material."
"That's okay, I consider this our second date," she amended with a wink.
"I see." Sofia shifted in her seat, uncomfortable with getting into her past so fast.
"Sofia, I know we know nothing about one another, but what I felt, what I feel…I have every intention of seeing this through to wherever this goes. And yes, that may sound like a line, but just ask my sister, for me to say it...well, I've never said it. So, I'm dead serious, but I don't want to push you away by being too eager."
"Fair enough. And I don't want to push you away either."
"Good. That's good. So, what did I do wrong?"
"Like I said, Allie. It wasn't you. I mean, yes, the kiss caught me by complete surprise, but it was...wow! It was an amazing kiss."
"Tell me about it."
"It was too good and it hurt."
A crease of confusion settled across Allie's forehead. "I don't understand."
"Neither did I." A self-deprecating laugh escaped. "It's a long story that I am still struggling to comprehend and I will share it, but first, why don't we enjoy our dinner and see how the night goes? We have plenty of time to get to know one another."
The Love Doctor Page 11
