Get Out of Your Own Way

by Mark Goulston

  Think of a situation that would make the other person feel what you feel. Analogies work best when they fit the individual’s personality and circumstances.

  Ask how he or she would feel in that situation. Don’t be accusatory; speak in an even, conciliatory tone.

  Once the other party acknowledges the appropriate feelings, ask if he or she can see a parallel to your experience. You might have to prod, as in, “When you criticize me in front of our friends, I feel just the way you do when …”

  Switch roles by imagining a situation in which you would feel what the other person has been feeling.

  Let the other person know that you understand how he or she feels. You are likely to see the hostility dissolve before your eyes, freeing both of you to communicate more openly.

  Waiting Until It’s Too Late

  “If a man in the morning hear the right way, he may die in the evening without regret.”

  —CONFUCIUS

  In 1991, my colleagues and I witnessed what I call the Michael Landon Malibu Epidemic. When that strong, virile actor developed terminal cancer, the thought “If it can happen to him, it can happen to me” spread like a virus. Suddenly, doctors and psychotherapists were flooded with phone calls.

  Unfortunately, it often takes a tragedy to make us look honestly at our lives. Tragedies trigger reevaluation and regret, sometimes too late to make things right. Perhaps the most common example is the driven man who invests most of his energy in his career. Then someone dies—usually a father, a mentor or a contemporary—or the man himself is felled by a stress-related disease. He realizes he would need an extra lifetime to get through the books he’d intended to read. His kids have grown up without his participation. He and his wife have not had an intimate moment in years. Now he sees the wisdom of the oft-repeated observation, “No dying man ever wished he spent more time at the office.”

  I have seen grown men and women weep like babies because a parent died before they could reconcile or forgive, or fully express their love and gratitude. One was a woman who had severed relations with a mother who had belittled and criticized her for most of her life. For the sake of her sanity, she avoided her mother for fifteen years. When she learned from a relative that her mother had died, she was surprised to find warm feelings welling up within her. For the first time, her thoughts were not dominated by anger. Instead, she was consumed by regret. “Cutting my mother out of my life was an empty victory,” she said. “It kept away the hurt, but it also kept away any chance for a positive connection.”

  “I think I don’t regret a single ‘excess’ of my responsive youth—I only regret, in my chilled age, certain occasions and possibilities I didn’t embrace.”

  —HENRY JAMES

  One of the most poignant moments of my life occurred during medical school, when I worked part-time at a nursing home. On the first floor, where the sickest patients lived, a man sat stooped in his wheelchair all day, muttering bitterly to himself. I looked at his chart and, to my astonishment, realized he was a famous state supreme court judge. I asked the head nurse why the man had no visitors. She replied that he had alienated everyone in his life.

  Living upstairs was Mr. Bronstein, who had so much vitality and joie de vivre that I wondered why he was in a nursing home. He explained that his wife lived on the first floor. After emigrating to America, the couple had worked side by side as a tailor and a seamstress. They had struggled through the Depression and World War II, and had raised three children who had done them proud. His wife had had a stroke. She could no longer speak or control her urine or feces, and she did not recognize her husband. Yet every morning he cleaned her bed, bathed her and braided her hair. “People ask why I bother,” he told me. “My answer is, ‘What could be more important? She’s my lifelong partner, and she would do it for me.’ ”

  More than likely, Mr. Bronstein died without regret. I doubt if the judge was that fortunate. He had achieved greatness, but if asked whether he would have done anything differently, he probably would have replied as Ty Cobb reportedly did: “I would have made more friends.”

  You already know what’s important, but you might have pushed it out of your awareness so as not to upset the status quo. If it takes a death or a life-threatening illness to wake you up, it might just be too late.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  You don’t have to wait for someone to die before you realize what’s important.

  TAKING ACTION

  Imagine yourself at age 80, looking back at your life.

  Ask yourself what it would take to make you feel you had lived a meaningful life.

  If you continue living the way you are, will you be able to say, at age 80, that everything important has been resolved and completed?

  What can you do differently, starting today, that will get you to where you want to be at 80?

  Start doing it.

  Getting So Angry You Make Things Worse

  “Anger is a short madness.”

  —HORACE

  “No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.”

  —GEORGE JEAN NATHAN

  Marianne was the only woman on the writing staff of a TV show. Her gender had never been an issue; she was always treated as an equal. Then she took a maternity leave. When she returned to work, she found that her ideas were no longer taken seriously and her new assignments were beneath her level of skill and experience. It was as if, in her absence, she had been demoted.

  The problem was compounded by Marianne’s commitment to breast-feeding. Each time she excused herself briefly to pump milk into a container, one colleague would bellow, “Mooooo!” while the others made breast jokes. Marianne was enraged, but she knew that if she unloaded on her coworkers she would reinforce the stereotype of a hormonal female who can’t fit in or take a joke. Losing her temper would also defeat her own purpose, which was to regain the respect she had long ago earned.

  “Anger and folly walk cheek by jole.”

  —BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

  Marianne was right, of course. You can gain momentary relief from venting your anger, but often at the risk of doing something you later regret, and losing the moral high ground in the bargain. The opposite choice—to suppress the anger—is equally dangerous, because the feeling will fester and perhaps lead to depression or psychosomatic illness. As I told Marianne, there is a third option: convert the anger to conviction and act on the basis of principle. Doing this arms you with the clarity, courage and strength to take effective action.

  I advised Marianne to think about the principles that her colleagues were violating and find a way to stand up for them. At the next opportunity, she addressed the group: “I think we agree that we should all act professionally and treat each other as equals. So, if you think providing food for my child is an unprofessional distraction, I’ll stop doing it … on one condition: you guys stop taking personal calls, talking about your dates, and interrupting meetings to talk about football. Tit for tat. No pun intended.”

  “I understand a fury in your words,

  But not the words.”

  —SHAKESPEARE

  By acting from conviction, and adding a touch of humor, Marianne put a halt to the offensive behavior without sacrificing her dignity. Then she was able to address other issues—such as her diminished responsibilities—from a position of integrity and strength. Had she acted hurt or defensive, her grievances would have been discredited and she would have lost even more respect—probably even her own.

  Whenever you can transcend your personal feelings and uphold strongly felt values, you gain something far greater than the thrill of retaliation: the courage and power of conviction.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  Anger makes you wild, but conviction makes you strong.

  TAKING ACTION

  Whether you’re dealing with offensive colleagues, a stubborn spouse, a disobedient child or a brazen bully, here’s how to convert anger to conviction:

  Cool off. Resist the urge to act impuls
ively, and take some time to reflect on the situation.

  Ask yourself what has made you angry. The answer is usually something you regard as unfair or unreasonable.

  Identify the principles that are being violated, and put your conviction into words.

  Determine the best and most creative way to stand up for your principles.

  Saying Yes When You Want to Say No

  “My unhappiness was the unhappiness of a person who could not say no.”

  —DAZAI OSAMU

  When Becky and Ann agreed to write a book together, Becky could not have been happier. Ann was not only a published writer but her best friend. Becky bought a computer and set up an office in her spare bedroom, and the new partners got to work.

  Immediately, a pattern was established. Ann set the agenda and dominated the sessions, pacing the room like a mad genius who could not contain her bustling imagination, while Becky sat at the keyboard and typed. When something tedious had to be done, Ann assumed that Becky would do it. When Ann asked Becky a question, she sounded as though she were speaking rhetorically to a subordinate, not soliciting the opinion of an equal. Becky’s own ideas were routinely discounted or ridiculed. She came to dread their work sessions.

  Ann’s behavior was inappropriate; Becky’s was self-defeating. She was so afraid that Ann would cancel the project that she could not assert herself. At the same time, she could not go along with Ann’s agenda without feeling resentful. By not saying “no,” she was in effect saying “yes” and perpetuating her own abuse. Even more self-defeating was not discussing the situation and instead letting the anger and frustration build. Eventually, she erupted: “You treat me as if you’re the boss and I’m your underling,” she shouted. “You’re an arrogant know-it-all!”

  That ended the problem, all right. It also ended a promising partnership and a once-beautiful friendship.

  Being unable to say “no” without fear or “yes” without resentment is a common dilemma. A breadwinner, for example, might fear that he will lose his family’s affection if he were to scale back their spending. But if he doesn’t, he might resent being taken for granted. People who live with substance abusers know that refusing to cooperate with the addiction can trigger an explosive outburst or a childish accusation. Yet, if they go along, they resent being manipulated.

  If you find yourself in a situation where you resent acquiescing to unacceptable behavior but are afraid to oppose it, you might be tempted to simply avoid the person. Of course, that won’t do if he or she plays a necessary role in your life. But neither would continuing on your no-win course. The only way out is just to say “Stop!” But, remember that timing is crucial. If you wait too long to speak up, the other person will feel offended and throw it back at you: “So, you’ve been holding this in all along. You’re nothing but a phony!” Or, as Becky’s former partner responded, “What am I, a mind reader? How am I supposed to know it bothered you so much?”

  Had Becky acted before her frustration reached the breaking point, she might have avoided her outburst and instead said something like, “Maybe I should have spoken up sooner, but the way we work together upsets me. I realize you know more than I do, but I have something to contribute too, and it’s frustrating when my ideas are not taken seriously. I hope that as we go along you’ll be able to treat me more like a real partner.”

  The key is to notice the early warning signs of frustration, such as feeling less and less enthusiastic about seeing the other person, realizing that you’re the only one who acts supportive, or feeling like a coward for giving in.

  You don’t have to go along when others act unfairly or unreasonably. If you do go along, make it clear that you are doing them a favor—and that you expect something in return.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  When you can’t say no without fear, or yes without resentment, it’s time to say stop!

  TAKING ACTION

  Realize that not wanting to go along doesn’t make you stubborn, mean or defiant.

  Understand that not saying no can be taken as a yes, and can reinforce the unwanted behavior.

  Make sure you confront the person at an opportune time.

  Express your grievance as an observation.

  Speak in terms of how it hurts or frustrates you; don’t be accusatory or judgmental.

  Admit your own participation in creating the problem.

  Say specifically how you would like the situation to be different in the future.

  Make it sound like a suggestion or request, not an ultimatum.

  Holding a Grudge

  “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

  —MAHATMA GANDHI

  “There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.”

  —JOSH BILLINGS

  “Forgive and forget” is one of those common sayings that sounds like good advice but is very difficult to live up to. Despite our best intentions, when push comes to shove, not forgiving and not forgetting is what we end up doing.

  Not forgiving is often synonymous with continuing to blame. A powerful defense mechanism, blaming amounts to finding a target for your anger and frustration. It protects you from having to own up to your own shortcomings. However, making your problems someone else’s fault leaves you in a passive position. It feels good to be exempt from responsibility, but it keeps you from taking steps to remedy your situation.

  Similarly, not forgetting is the equivalent of continuing to remember. That too is a form of self-protection. You think that remembering a past hurt will keep you from letting your guard down, thereby protecting you from being caught unaware and getting hurt again. The problem is, your wariness can make you so uptight and guarded that others find it takes too much effort to deal with you. You could end up safe but alone. When is it safe to forget? When you have learned whatever you need to know to prevent a hurtful situation from recurring.

  “To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.”

  —CONFUCIUS

  Albert was an ambitious young executive with his eye on a position that was going to open up in his firm. During the time he was trying to impress his superiors and maneuver for advantage, he attended a company function with his wife, Sherry. An artist who danced to her own drumbeat, Sherry had too much to drink that night and embarrassed Albert with careless remarks. When someone else got the promotion he felt entitled to, Albert blamed his wife. For nearly a year, he attended social functions alone rather than risk embarrassment, and he reminded Sherry of the incident whenever he felt frustrated by the slow progress of his career. His continuing resentment threatened to destroy the marriage.

  Then, at his annual review, Albert’s boss told him exactly what had been holding him back and what he had to do to rise in the firm. Naturally, it had to do with his performance, not his wife. The reality check made him realize he had been wasting energy blaming Sherry. Eventually, as his work improved and his prospects brightened, he was able to forgive. Then he took the next step by rationally expressing his concerns to Sherry. She promised not to drink at company events and to respect the importance of appearance. When he was reasonably sure that the past would not repeat, Albert was able to forget as well as forgive.

  “Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note—torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.”

  —HENRY WARD BEECHER

  The best way to achieve forgiveness is to stop thinking about the grudge itself and focus on accomplishing important goals. If you push ahead and create a satisfying life, you will feel less frustrated and less angry. You will be more willing to take responsibility for your actions, and your need to blame will dissipate. You will not want to taint your happiness by being ungracious. In essence, getting ahead in your life will come to be more important than getting even.

  The best way to forget is to improve your behavior and circumstances until you feel safe enough to let go of bitter memories. If someone has upset you in the past, try
to work out an agreement with the person so you can feel reasonably sure it won’t happen again. It’s also a good idea to sort out what made you vulnerable in the first place and change your attitude or behavior. Knowing that you can handle a recurrence without being devastated will allow you to forget as well as forgive.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  We forgive when we no longer need to blame; we forget when we no longer need to remember.

  TAKING ACTION

  Ask yourself what not forgiving and not forgetting is costing you.

  Acknowledge what the other person did wrong and what you would need from him or her in order to feel safe in the future.

  Ask yourself how you might have contributed to the problem.

  Determine what you need to learn to prevent a recurrence.

  Move on in your life. If you create a more fulfilling future, you will find it easier to forget the past.

  Assuming They Don’t Want Anything in Return

  “Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.”

  —ADDISON H. HALLOCK

  Hillary wanted very much to finish her graduate studies and become a psychotherapist. Low on money, she had been on sabbatical for three years, working for an accounting firm and taking whatever courses she could afford. Then she got lucky. Her sister and brother had a sudden business success and offered to pay for her schooling. “Just finish your training and be successful,” they said graciously. “That’s all the payback we want.”

  On the surface they were true to their word: Hillary was not expected to pay a penny in return. But she discovered she had accumulated other, more subtle debts. Suddenly, she was expected to travel cross-country for family functions, where she was clearly expected to mention at every opportunity how much she appreciated her benefactors. As her training progressed, her siblings would phone regularly to discuss problems with their children, spouses and each other. They were getting their money’s worth in public displays of gratitude and free advice. They had been generous, but not entirely selfless. “If I’d have known what was expected of me, I’d have taken out a bank loan,” said Hillary.