Get Out of Your Own Way

by Mark Goulston

  Hillary discovered the emotional equivalent of “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” Consciously or unconsciously, nearly everyone keeps score of favors and gestures, and everyone is sensitive to being shortchanged. The strings attached can be exact equivalents, such as when you are expected to spend as much money on a birthday gift as was spent on yours. Other times the expectation is subtle—an extravagant display of gratitude, perhaps, or a change in behavior—and we end up feeling confused, betrayed and manipulated. If it happens often enough we can become cynical and adopt a hardened, “Don’t do me any favors” attitude.

  Why do we want to believe that people who give to us expect nothing in return? Because the desire for unconditional love springs eternal. We want to be given to just because we exist—as we had been or yearned to be as children, before we grew up and people started asking for something back. When people give to us and imply that they expect nothing in return (usually out of politeness), it evokes that childlike feeling of being cherished as something special. No wonder we want to believe it. That’s why, when we discover there really are strings attached, we feel not only betrayed and angry but foolish for having deceived ourselves with a childlike wish.

  When you accept someone’s generosity, you might take on a debt you do not even know you owe, and if you fail to pay it back, you will be punished for reasons you cannot comprehend. To prevent this, it’s a good idea to assume that a payback is expected. You can confirm this by saying to the giver, “I hope I’m in a position to do the same for you sometime.” Even if they insist they want nothing, imagine what a fair payback would be and get ready to follow through, just in case. In general, it is safer to assume too much is expected rather than too little. Otherwise, you might think your debt has been repaid only to discover that it hasn’t.

  Try to determine at the outset whether the act is a gift, a favor or a loan. Each carries with it a different obligation. A gift requires at least a thank-you; a favor requires a similar action when your positions are reversed; a loan requires payment in kind.

  Those distinctions are equally important when you are the giver. Don’t kid yourself into thinking you are a saint who gives to others and wants nothing in return. If you are not clear about what you really expect, you can jeopardize relationships by seeing yourself as a victim. You might even withhold your trust and affection, and neither you nor the other person will know what has come over you.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  There are always strings attached.

  TAKING ACTION

  Assume that people always give with the expectation of receiving something in return, and don’t become embittered by this realization.

  Determine whether the gesture is a gift, a favor or a loan.

  If it is a gift, be sure to express your gratitude, and perhaps find an occasion to offer a reciprocal gift or a display of thoughtfulness.

  If it is a favor, make a mental note to offer a favor in return.

  If it is a loan, spell out clearly how and when and with what you intend to pay it back.

  Playing It Safe

  “One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of shore for a very long time.”

  —ANDRÉ GIDE

  A man from a tribe in a nonindustrial culture was brought to New York City. Asked his impressions, he noted sorrowfully that everyone he saw on the street was looking down. “They don’t see the sky,” he said.

  That observation captures what we miss out on when we don’t take chances. The familiar expression “Look where you’re going” makes sense if you are navigating the streets of Manhattan or driving on a freeway. It tells you to watch out for obstacles—good advice, but deadly if taken as a principle for living your life. It can make you overly cautious. You will slow down and maybe even lose your sense of direction entirely. Yes, there are situations in which it is better to be safe than sorry. But if you always play it safe, it’s a safe bet you’ll end up sorry.

  Jonathan was a highly successful software designer in his late thirties. By all appearances he had an ideal life: a big home in Beverly Hills, a wife who was both beautiful and successful, two kids who made him proud, prestigious awards and a salary so big he was embarrassed when it was reported in the papers. But Jonathan was unhappy. Fourteen years earlier he had made a splash in Silicon Valley as a bold young innovator with daring ideas. When the early products he created became a huge success, he signed a long-term deal with a major company. Settled, secure and celebrated, he went on to manage a division that produced excellent products—but safe products. He had learned how to give consumers and stockholders what they wanted, but he was no longer bold and brash, and it bothered him. “I’ve lost my creative edge,” he lamented. “I was a visionary. Now I’m a numbers guy.”

  “Whither is fled the visionary gleam?

  Where is it now, the glory and the dream?”

  —WILLIAM WORDSWORTH

  Jonathan had become good at looking where he was going, but he wanted once again to go where he was looking.

  To look where you are going is to be motivated by fear; to go where you are looking is to be driven by desire, confidence and vision. If you know you can handle whatever cracks and bumps come along, you do not have to watch the pavement all the time. Instead, you can move full speed ahead with your eye on your goal.

  The inclination either to play it safe or take risks can usually be traced to childhood. All children are adventurous and curious. If, when they get hurt or things go wrong, their parents respond angrily, as in, “Don’t let me see you do that again,” or fearfully, as in, “Don’t do that or you’ll get hurt,” they are likely, as adults, to play it safe. When tempted to do something risky, their emotional memory whispers, “You’ll be sorry.” On the other hand, if their parents say, “Get back out there and try again,” they usually grow up able to take risks for the sake of a dream.

  “He has not learned the lesson of life who does not every day surmount a fear.”

  —RALPH WALDO EMERSON

  Those who are comfortable taking chances know that the best way to grow is to reach beyond their grasp. Their sense of direction comes from the heart. They don’t shy away from surprise; they might even seek it out. And they seldom die with regrets. In the end we regret not what we have done but what we have not done.

  My friend Timothy Gallwey, author of The Inner Game of Golf, has his clients close their eyes to practice putting. He says it helps them develop a smoother stroke because they are forced to follow their instincts. In essence, that is what I tell patients who want to change the direction of their lives: close your eyes, get in touch with your inner vision, and start going where it leads you. You might stumble on occasion, but you will taste a lot more of life. And you will get to see the sky.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  Don’t look where you’re going, go where you’re looking.

  TAKING ACTION

  Think of yourself at a time in your life when you were optimistic and idealistic.

  Have this younger self take a critical look at your present self. Does he or she think you’ve been true to your dreams?

  Which of your unrealized dreams are still meaningful?

  Without being impractical, ask yourself what you can do now to get back on track. Or, what new vision would embody the feelings and experiences you once dreamed of having?

  Complete this sentence: “If I could change my life right now, I would _______.”

  Try to turn your fears into opportunities. (When asked how he hit so many home runs, Sadahara Oh, the Japanese Babe Ruth, said he looked at opposing pitchers not as adversaries but as partners helping him to be a better hitter.)

  Always Having to Be Right

  “It wasn’t until quite late in life that I discovered how easy it is to say ‘I don’t know!’ ”

  —SOMERSET MAUGHAM

  “Human beings are perhaps never more frightening than when they are convinced beyond doubt that they are right.”

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p; —LAURENS VAN DER POST

  A communications expert once made this distinction: “A know-it-all who doesn’t know what he is talking about is a jerk. A know-it-all who does know what he is talking about is just an ass.” Whether you know what you’re talking about or not, it’s self-defeating to act like a know-it-all.

  Tom, an assistant managing editor at a magazine, came to see me when his life started caving in. First he was passed over for the promotion he coveted because, his superiors told him, he had “difficulty getting along with others.” He was always talking down to people, they said. Then his wife filed for divorce. She called him an arrogant son of a bitch who always thinks he’s right.

  Tom had been raised by alcoholic parents who were frequently out of control and made their son feel wrong much of the time. As an adult, two needs dominated his interaction with others: to show he was right (along with the converse need to never be wrong) and to be in control at all times. In our first few meetings, I tried to engage him in a dialogue, or at least a discussion, but it invariably turned into a debate. I decided on a different strategy: to give him carte blanche to speak. After several sessions, he asked why I didn’t interrupt him. “You seem to have a lot to say,” I replied. Puzzled for a moment, he started to become belligerent, then lowered his head sheepishly and muttered, “Who am I kidding?”

  By listening attentively and not challenging him, I had avoided what his know-it-all behavior was designed to provoke: a confrontation. Tom thrived on stirring things up so he could grab control. But he was a decent man, and it pained him to learn that people he loved and respected saw him as overbearing, self-righteous and disrespectful. Now that he had hit bottom, he was willing to look at himself more honestly.

  “A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.”

  —ALEXANDER POPE

  What he learned was this: like most people who have to be right all the time, Tom was acting out of self-defense. Deep inside, he believed the world was telling him, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” He wasn’t trying to show that he was right so much as that he wasn’t wrong. But his manner was so confrontational he came across as offensive, not defensive, as if he expected others to agree with, or defer to, his opinions. His message wasn’t just “I’m not wrong” but “You are wrong.”

  If you act in self-defense when you’re not being attacked, the other person will feel attacked. You won’t be admired as a forceful person with strong opinions but resented as an opinionated bore. In a professional setting, if you’re lucky enough to be exceptionally bright, talented or productive, people will tolerate your behavior. But they won’t cut you any slack when it comes to making mistakes, they won’t lend a helping hand because they either think you’re not open to help or they want to see you fall on your face.

  Unlike Tom, many know-it-alls never learn these lessons. After all, if you think you’re always right you can’t learn anything new. You’re closed down because knowing and learning can’t occur at the same time.

  Having to be right all the time just isn’t right. It isn’t just, it isn’t fair and it isn’t even possible. It will bring you contempt, not power and esteem. On the other hand, being wrong on occasion does not make you less worthy, it makes you more human and more approachable.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  When no one is attacking you, being defensive comes across as offensive.

  TAKING ACTION

  Next time you feel the need to show you’re right, ask yourself if winning is important enough to risk hurting others and being resented.

  Look for feedback. If you’re acting like a know-it-all, others will respond by either fighting back or acting defenseless and subdued—and then avoiding you.

  In proving you’re not wrong, make sure you don’t make others feel wrong.

  Recognize and acknowledge the value of other people’s opinions and viewpoints.

  If you’ve offended someone, admit you were wrong. It’s the best way to reconnect.

  Observe what it feels like to not be right. Can you handle the feeling? Remember, the reward is that you don’t alienate people.

  Instead of being a know-it-all, strive to know all of it. Take into consideration the point of view of others and the requirements of the situation as a whole.

  Focusing on What Your Partner Is Doing Wrong

  “Let me be a little kinder,

  Let me be a little blinder

  To the faults of those around me,

  Let me praise a little more.”

  —EDGAR A. GUEST

  “A man never discloses his character so clearly as when he describes another’s.”

  —JEAN PAUL RICHTER

  “Why should I bother trying? You’re not willing to do a damn thing!”

  “What? I’m the one who’s making all the changes. I don’t see you trying at all!”

  That is a typical exchange in couples therapy. In an effort to reduce friction in a relationship, most of us are willing to do things to satisfy our partners even if they don’t come easily—get rid of an annoying habit, for instance, or help with the chores, or try to hold our temper. Such changes can take considerable effort, but we are usually willing to try—if we think our partner is trying just as hard. But if our partner seems unwilling to match us effort for effort, we get resentful and try less hard ourselves.

  Unfortunately, instead of focusing on our partners’ attempts to improve the relationship, we tend to notice what they’re doing wrong and what they’re not contributing. Naturally, they respond with the same tunnel vision, and the cycle of resentment spirals downward until no one is appreciated and no one is doing the necessary work.

  “If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others.”

  —FRANÇCLOIS, DUC DE LA ROCHEFOUCAULD

  Like many couples, Ross and Nancy Koestler fought over money. Ross, who had grown up poor and worked his way into the middle class, accused his wife of being a reckless spender. Under pressure because business was stagnant, he questioned Nancy’s every purchase and exploded if he thought she had been extravagant. Nancy, a freelance photographer raised in an affluent family, saw Ross as a tight-fisted man who would rather hoard money than allow himself or his family any pleasure. She felt hurt that he didn’t trust her judgment.

  Despite their problems, both spouses were committed to the marriage and were willing to work at it. Ross tried to control his temper and stop challenging his wife’s spending. Nancy did her best to buy only necessities. But neither was able to recognize the other’s efforts. “He’s not doing a damn thing from his side,” said Nancy. “Me?” Ross exclaimed. “I’ve been working on this marriage ever since we started therapy, but I don’t see any change in you!”

  Why are we so blind to our partners’ efforts? For one thing, it’s hard to keep score. When he forgets to clean up after a midnight snack, for example, the evidence is in the sink in the morning. But how do you keep track of the times he does clean up? Violations are not only easier to spot, but we deliberately look for them because they serve a purpose: they give us an excuse to cut back our own efforts. They also justify our anger. In long-term relationships, anger builds up over time, and we sometimes feel irate without an immediate cause. It’s uncomfortable to be angry for no reason, so we look for evidence, like detectives searching for clues to justify a suspicion. Unfortunately, finding fault not only creates resentment, it keeps us from appreciating each other.

  “Be quick to praise. People like to praise those who praise them.”

  —BERNARD BARUCH

  It is far easier to work on a relationship if both parties focus on the other’s efforts as well as their own. To help couples do this, I encourage them to answer the following questions. It helps them shift from disapproval to appreciation.

  What specific gestures have you seen your partner make to improve the relationship?


  Can you think of an incident where he did something on your behalf?

  Has she done anything she didn’t really want to do just to make you happy?

  Has he held back from saying things you don’t like?

  Has she controlled herself when she might have done something you can’t stand?

  Has he tried to change a habit or behavior pattern that you’ve complained about?

  To aid the process of developing appreciation, I also encourage couples to make their efforts concrete. Nancy Koestler, for example, promised to consult with Ross before making purchases over fifty dollars. Ross promised to control his temper and to put together a financial statement so Nancy could see exactly where they stood. In this way each spouse could keep track of the other’s efforts.

  Working at a relationship means doing what is in the best interest of two, even if it doesn’t come naturally. To stick with it, we need to see our partner struggle as hard as we do. In the end, what counts is not what we do to each other, but what we do for and with each other.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  If you really want to work on your relationship, watch your partner’s efforts, not just your own.

  TAKING ACTION

  When you think your partner is not doing his or her share, ask yourself whether being resentful and faultfinding will help you or your relationship.

  Practice the Three A’s: awareness, appreciation, acknowledgment: Become aware of your partner’s efforts. Try to notice the little things he or she does for the good of the relationship.