Relationships often come to a standstill because both parties feel it is time for a change but each one thinks the other should do the changing. While they try to force the change, or wait for it to come about, they refuse to fully accept the other person. This is self-defeating because it usually provokes resistance, or even rebellion, not cooperation. Not only does no one change, but the relationship gets contaminated by resentment and bitterness. Perhaps the most common reason for divorce is that one partner fails to become the person the other dreamed of.
Rather than not accepting the other person until he changes, accept him as is and hope he changes.
Of course, certain attitudes and behaviors are unacceptable and nonnegotiable. If that’s what you’re faced with, you have some serious thinking to do. Don’t underestimate how difficult it can be—and how miserable you can become—if you try to change someone who has qualities you just cannot accept.
With anything short of that, however, the best strategy is to accept first and hope for change later. This does not necessarily mean you should keep quiet about your concerns. But it might mean conveying a more accepting attitude. A message such as “I love you, out this bothers me, and I hope very much that it can change” will generate a more positive response than “You’d better change or else.” Chances are, the traits you find objectionable bother the other person too; your acceptance might make him or her feel secure enough to work on improving.
Conditional acceptance is also a major issue between parents and children. Take, for example, Gail, a single mother, and her daughter Marcy. Gail wanted Marcy to grow up to be a self-sufficient woman, but Marcy seemed to have little ambition and even less discipline. In her zeal to instill the desired qualities in her daughter, Gail resorted to scolding and punishing. This would motivate Marcy for a while, but before long she would rebel again. She was willing to jeopardize her own future just to prove that she was her own person.
“Can you accept Marcy for just being herself?” I asked Gail. “If you can’t, she’s going to stay stuck, and you’ll deprive yourself of the joy of being a mother.”
It took a great deal of effort for Gail to accept her daughter as is, but the struggle paid off. Marcy actually wanted to behave differently, but she couldn’t change unless she was certain it was her own choice, not just a way to win her mother’s approval.
If you expect people to change, you can drive yourself crazy waiting for it to happen. If you try to make them change, you will drive them crazy. But if you accept them as they are and tell them that you hope they’ll change, they just might do it.
USABLE INSIGHT:
Don’t try to change people; accept them as they are and hope they’ll change.
TAKING ACTION
Next time you’re frustrated with a person in your life, pause and ask yourself, “If he never changes, will that be okay? Will I be able to continue loving him anyway?” If the answer is yes, you should be able to change your expectations and still feel good about the relationship.
Instead of feeling like a helpless victim, make an active, conscious choice to let him be who he is.
List the person’s good qualities and bad qualities.
To truly accept him, spend some time developing an active appreciation of the good qualities.
Choose to convert your need to change the bad qualities to the hope that he will change. Your well-being should not depend on another person changing.
Take pride in knowing you have chosen to be gracious rather than bitter.
If you choose to tell the person that you hope he changes, offer a tradeoff by asking, “Is there anything about me that you hope I change?” By leveling the playing field, you give him greater incentive to make the effort.
Rebelling Just for the Sake of Rebelling
“The marvelous rebellion of man at all signs reading ‘Keep Off.’ ”
—CARL SANDBURG
“It’s better to fight for something than against something.”
—ANONYMOUS
Not long ago, at a psychiatric conference, I ran into someone I had known in college. I remembered Ted as a bright student who had gone on to graduate school to become a therapist like his mother and father. To my surprise, he turned out not to be a therapist at all but an administrator at a psychiatric hospital, and he was obviously self-conscious about it.
Ted dropped out of graduate school when he realized he had entered the field just to please his parents. He became a rebel with a cause—to be master of his own destiny. Unfortunately, he also became a rebel without a clue. He worked in a bookstore, tried unsuccessfully to launch a writing career, then opened a small bakery in a college town. For some years he was content to live a simple life doing his own thing. But, as he aged and started a family, discontentment grew like his waistline. Bored, and no longer satisfied to just scrape by, he called on family connections and obtained an administrative job in the mental health field.
Ted managed to build a respectable career, but now he felt unfulfilled. “I only get turned on when I’m with therapists, talking about real cases,” he told me. “I keep up with the literature, and sometimes I have better ideas than the shrinks, but no one takes me seriously.”
Clearly, Ted had regrets about his earlier decisions. “I might have missed my calling,” he confessed. “I’d have been a damn good shrink.”
Ted had rebelled against his parents, who had driven him to become a therapist. Internally, he shouted, “Don’t tell me what to do!” and in the process he’d muffled his own voice.
Children who are pushed to lead a certain kind of life often get confused: “Am I doing this for myself or for my parents? Is this what I really want, or am I just going along with their game plan?” With their free will threatened, doing what is right for them becomes less important than asserting their independence. And the outcome of their choices becomes less important than making sure the choices are their own. Sometimes that independent spirit pays off in a more authentic life. But when what’s expected of them happens to be in sync with who they are and what they want, they can end up rebelling against themselves.
This form of self-defeating behavior is not limited to children rebelling against parents. I’ve seen countless husbands and wives who were in constant rebellion against spouses they perceived to be bossy. I’ve seen business partners, especially siblings in family-owned companies, rebel against each other’s demands to the detriment of the bottom line. Invariably, the problem is not that the rebel doesn’t want to do what’s being asked, it’s that he or she doesn’t want to have to do it. Being forced or coerced destroys our self-respect and compromises our dignity. It makes us feel like children.
The key is to be able to feel that you are choosing your actions, not merely going along to satisfy someone else. When you find yourself rejecting the wishes of others, make sure you are not rejecting your own as well. One clue is whether you have a clear and desirable alternative in mind. If, for example, Ted had had a genuine passion for writing, or dreamed of owning a bakery, it might not have been a mistake to drop out of graduate school.
As for dealing with a demanding spouse or colleague, instead of rebelling reflexively or grudgingly going along, pause and ask yourself if the request is fair and reasonable. If it is, then choose to do it. If it’s not, either say no or do it as a favor and let the person know that you expect something in return. When the time is right, explain that you can’t choose to do something of your own free will if you are being ordered to do it. As one of my patients told her husband, “I’m an adult, and I don’t want to do things out of fear or intimidation.”
Sometimes it is noble, and even courageous, to rebel, but the satisfaction will be short-lived if, in the name of standing up for yourself, you sabotage yourself instead.
USABLE INSIGHT:
You won’t resent having to do something if you choose to do it.
TAKING ACTION
When others put pressure on you, pause and ask yourself if they are bein
g fair and reasonable.
Analyze objectively whether it makes sense for you to do what they’re urging you to do.
Ask yourself, “If they were to change their opinions, or disappear tomorrow, would I follow their original wishes?” You might draw a blank at first, but if you keep thinking in those terms your deepest desires will eventually emerge.
If your own aspirations turn out to be consistent with their expectations, shift your mind-set so that you actively choose that alternative. In this way, you assert that no one else controls you, and you keep your self-esteem.
Talking When Nobody’s Listening
“Talking is like playing on the harp; there is as much in laying the hands on the strings to stop their vibration as in twanging them to bring out their music.”
—OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES
I attended a seminar once where the contrast between two of the speakers made a lasting impression. Dr. Bernhardt was a charismatic entertainer. He knew how to engage an audience and generate enthusiasm. Dr. Smith was quiet and thoughtful, but not terribly inspiring. At first, the participants raved about the magnetic Bernhardt and joked about the boring Smith, but ultimately it was the latter who won over the group. She had been mindful of her audience. She had taken their questions seriously and listened to their concerns. Dr. Bernhardt had used them only as a foil for his routine.
Perhaps the most notable distinction between the speakers was this: Bernhardt exceeded his time limit at every session and seemed to resent it when people started to fidget. Dr. Smith was more tuned in. At the first sign of restlessness, she would suggest taking a break. She never wore out her welcome.
Why do we keep talking when people have heard enough? When we badly need to be heard, our conversation usually proceeds in three distinct phases. The first is an effort to communicate information or express a point of view. Once that is accomplished, other needs take over. In the second stage, the principal motivation is to relieve tension. Gabbing away just to make ourselves feel better, we repeat or rephrase what we have already said, or introduce irrelevant subjects. In the third phase we detour into any area that might keep the listener’s attention, just to keep from being abandoned. In sum, the motivation shifts from the need to communicate, to the need to relieve tension, to the need to retain control.
The listener who gets dragged into phases two and three is placed in the difficult position of having to find a way out without being impolite. If she can’t, she ends up wasting her time and becoming exasperated. For the overzealous speaker, the price is even higher; she stands to lose respect, and possibly even friends.
In times of stress or excitement the tension from keeping our feelings and thoughts to ourselves builds up. To many of us, it feels so good to unload that we forget our manners. We go from dialogue to monologue, launching an avalanche of words, unable to stop ourselves before becoming tiresome or rude.
“Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving in words evidence of the fact.”
—GEORGE ELIOT
If you have this tendency, try to be aware of the stages of conversation and apply the brakes before you enter the annoying second stage or the impertinent third stage. Keep an eye on the other person’s body language. If she fidgets or glances at her watch, or her eyes become less focused, she is probably trying to figure out a way to cut you off without being discourteous. Your initial impulse might be to hold her attention by any means possible. But it’s self-defeating to hold someone’s attention by holding her hostage.
You have to decide if the relief you will get from continuing is worth the price. What is the price? The other person will probably tune you out or make up an excuse to interrupt you. You can end up feeling embarrassed, foolish or worse. If you wear out your welcome often enough, you’ll find that people ignore you, “forget” to return your phone calls and exclude you from gatherings.
Unless your need for immediate gratification is stronger than your need for friends, learn to control yourself. Remember, you will be appreciated and admired if you don’t pressure others to keep listening when they’ve heard enough. But if you use them as tension relievers (phase two) and try to dominate their attention (phase three), you might hold on to them for the moment but lose them for the future.
USABLE INSIGHT:
When people stop listening, stop talking.
TAKING ACTION
If you want to know if you’re talking too long, keep your eye on the other person’s body language.
If you notice signs of restlessness, ask yourself which you would rather feel: the frustration of not completing what you’ve started to say, or the humiliation of talking when no one’s listening.
Stop yourself as soon as possible.
Solicit the other person’s ideas and comments. By turning your monologue into a dialogue, you might extend your welcome instead of wearing it out.
Pretending You’re Fine When You’re Not
“Dare to be true: nothing can need a lie: A fault, which needs it most, grows two thereby.”
—GEORGE HERBERT
John, a 43-year-old hardware store manager, was telling me about an upcoming visit from his parents, who lived out of town. I asked if he was looking forward to seeing them.
“It’ll be fine,” he said.
“You don’t sound very convincing,” I replied.
“Well, they bicker constantly, and criticize everything I do. But they’re in their late seventies, so I guess I’m lucky they’re still alive.”
I pushed John to express what he really felt. He admitted that he couldn’t stand his parents’ visits. “It drains me,” he said. “Nobody enjoys it, not even them.”
John’s typical response was to withdraw into a sullen, pouty silence. His parents would ask, “Is something wrong?” and he would say, “No, no, I’m fine.” In most instances he couldn’t even admit to himself that something was wrong.
This sort of denial is common. Admitting to yourself that you are upset or in pain can make you feel exposed. You fear that acknowledging a bad feeling gives it more power. The pain might get worse. You might not be able to tolerate it. In fact, the opposite is usually true: recognizing a feeling releases pent-up tension and makes you feel better rather than worse.
You might also fear that you won’t be able to say, “I feel bad” without blaming someone. Then you’ll have to either retaliate or, if you blame yourself, feel ashamed. You might even be forced to take action, and that prospect can be frightening: “What if I don’t have the skill or wisdom to make things better?” you wonder. “What if I have to do something risky?” It’s a lot easier to exempt yourself by not admitting you feel bad in the first place.
As I told John, it’s important to realize that being okay doesn’t mean feeling okay all the time. Rather, it means being able to experience appropriate feelings without denial, self-deception or repression. Mentally healthy people feel what they are supposed to feel: when they are angry, they feel anger; when they are sad, they feel sadness. Owning up to the feeling is the first necessary step toward feeling better.
It is also important to realize that acknowledging bad feelings doesn’t mean you have to do anything about them. In fact, telling yourself you feel bad actually diminishes the need to act. It stifles the impulse to take sudden, precipitous action, which could make things worse.
I suggested to John that when his parents started to get to him, he should say to himself, “I hate the way I feel.” He seemed puzzled but agreed to try it. The next time I saw him he said, “As soon as I told myself ‘I hate the way I feel,’ I felt relieved.” He was able to tolerate his parents without pouting or withdrawing—and without blowing up when they continued to annoy him.
Admitting to yourself that you feel bad is, of course, a prerequisite to admitting it to others. In an effort to conceal your troubles, you might avoid, or lie to, the very people who can help you. Covering up not only keeps you from getting help, it creates a vicious cycle: it makes you
become agitated and defensive; the people around you get irritated; then you feel worse because you can’t understand how anyone could be upset with you when you feel so bad.
Admitting that you’re not okay requires a leap of faith. You have to believe that the temporary discomfort of owning up to the feeling is better than the long-term consequences of repression and avoidance. That faith can give you the courage to hang in there until you can actually make things better.
USABLE INSIGHT:
You have to admit that you feel bad before you can feel better.
TAKING ACTION
The next time you feel bad, acknowledge the upset inwardly. This simple act is calming and helps prevent a hasty reaction.
Give the feeling a name. This makes it less threatening and more manageable. If you can name it you can tame it.
Name it as accurately as possible. “I’m upset” is okay for a start, but something like “I feel discouraged” or “I feel hopeless” is probably more precise.
If you decide to let someone else know you feel bad, indicate exactly how bad. You can do this by saying, “It feels so bad it makes me want to_____.” Such examples show rather than tell about feelings, making them more understandable to others. Others will listen better and will probably offer the empathy you deserve.
Becoming Obsessive or Compulsive
“I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unseasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night.”
—JAMES THURBER
“Just because you need to doesn’t mean you have to.”
—ANONYMOUS
Sometimes, when we are pressured, we can feel pushed to the edge, as if we might lose control at any moment. To avert disaster, the mind redirects our attention. We focus on things that appear to be controllable. When taken too far, this defense can lead to obsessions and compulsions. Ironically, these develop a life of their own, leaving us to feel even more powerless.
Get Out of Your Own Way Page 7
