Get Out of Your Own Way

by Mark Goulston

  In fact, when we face a challenge or a substantial change, it is normal to feel a sense of anxiety. It is normal for thoughts such as “Can I handle this?” or “Am I doing the right thing?” to cross our minds. If we cave in to such thoughts we end up settling for less than we deserve. If, instead, we accept that a certain degree of tension is necessary to keep our minds and senses alert, we can rise to the occasion and respond effectively to whatever comes along. In real life, as opposed to the movies, even heroes feel a certain jangling of the nerves before they save the day. World-famous athletes and actors have butterflies before performing. But they are not only used to it, they have learned to convert their nervous energy to motivation and effective action.

  This anxious edge should not be confused with panic. Panic shuts us down. It is debilitating. It renders us ineffective and unresponsive. Had Paul been in a state of panic, I would have agreed that he was not ready. I would also have agreed if his plan had been unrealistic. If he’d said he was going to quit his job, use all his savings to buy a camper and support his family as an itinerant musician, I’d have agreed that his sense of unease should be heeded. But he had developed a sensible course of action to solve a genuine problem. His anxiety was perfectly appropriate for a responsible family man embarking on a major change.

  Another distinction worth noting is between being ready and being prepared. Being ready means having sufficient resources to handle any reasonable contingency. Being prepared means having what is necessary for a specific occasion. For example, I feel ready to answer virtually any question about divorce because I have spent thousands of hours with patients who were going through the process. But, despite my experience, I would not be prepared to deliver a good lecture on divorce to my psychiatry students unless I had written and rehearsed one. Someone with far less expertise than I could memorize and deliver a perfectly good speech. He would be prepared to lecture, but he would not necessarily be ready to answer questions or advise someone who was going through a divorce.

  The apprehension you feel might signal a lack of preparedness, not a lack of readiness. If that is the case, you can appease your anxiety with thorough preparation. But don’t expect to eliminate all doubts and jittery nerves. That sort of thinking leads to what I call the zero-risk fallacy: you want a guarantee that nothing troublesome or unexpected will come up once you get going. There are no such guarantees in life. There is always uncertainty, especially when you’re dealing with other human beings. That’s why married people always chuckle when a young soon-to-be bride or groom gets cold feet. They know that she or he has been hoping for some divine sign to appear and erase every nagging doubt before the wedding—a romantic, but not quite realistic, wish.

  The challenge is not to eliminate discomfort, but to recognize when you are as ready as you will ever be. If you wait until you are perfectly at ease, you may wait so long that life will pass you by.

  USABLE INSIGHT:

  Just because you’re nervous doesn’t mean you’re not ready.

  TAKING ACTION

  If you’re tempted to back off because you don’t feel ready, pause.

  Ask yourself why you believe you’re not ready. List all the reasons.

  Ask yourself what would have to take place for you to feel ready.

  Ask yourself what the chances are that those prerequisites will come to pass. What would you have to do to make them happen? Is it worth the time and effort?

  Ask yourself whether or not you’re prepared. To shed an objective light on the question, ask people with experience what it takes to be prepared.

  Think of situations in the past where you have backed down. In retrospect, did those turn out to be wise decisions or ones you came to regret?

  A Note to the Reader

  As part of my ongoing research, I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with self-defeating behavior. Please let me know which behaviors concern you most and how they have influenced your life. Tell me what you’ve done to overcome them, and how the ideas and advice in this book have affected you. By sharing with me your victories and setbacks, ideas and suggestions, you will not only help me help others, but you will also help yourself. Formulating your thoughts in writing will add to your understanding and make you more aware of your feelings.

  In addition, I would like to hear about self-defeating behaviors that are not covered in this book. Human beings invent just as many ways to sabotage their lives as to improve them. If you have poignant or humorous stories about self-defeating behavior (your own or others’), please share them with me.

  You may write or email me at:

  Mark Goulston, M.D.

  1150 Yale Street, #3,

  Santa Monica, CA 90403

  mgoulsto@ucla.edu

  About the Authors

  MARK GOULSTON, M.D., a board-certified psychiatrist, was trained at Berkeley, Boston University, the Menninger Foundation, and UCLA, where he is an Assistant Clinical Professor at the Neuropsychiatric Institute. Dr. Goulston has appeared on local and national television, inluding Oprah, Today, Leeza, Sally Jesse Raphael, and NBC News. He is interviewed on radio two to three times per week, including Jim Bohannan, Talk America, and KFWB, Los Angeles. He has been profiled and quoted in magazines and newspapers frequently, including the Los Angeles Times, Men’s Fitness, Bottom Line Personal, the Wall Street Journal, and Ladies’ Home Journal. He contributes regular columns to the Los Angeles Business Journal, the Aspen Daily News, and is syndicated to college newspapers via the Chicago Tribune Syndicate. He has been an online consultant for Time Inc.’s ParentTime, iVillage, Yahoo!, and is currently the relationship advisor for lifescape.com.

  PHILIP GOLDBERG is the author or coauthor of many books including Get Out of Your Own Way, (with Mark Goulston), Passion Play (with Felice Dunas), Pain Remedies (with the Editors of Prevention magazine), The Intuitive Edge and Making Peace with Your Past (with Harold Bloomfield).

  Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg are also the authors of The Six Secrets of Lasting Relationships.