by Johnson, Cat
“I hope so.”
He could hope all he wanted to. Once Sam’s wedding was over, I hoped not to see him again.
“Your wife will wish you were still in the army some days,” the man said, chuckling.
Alex sighed. “She’s not my wife. I stuffed that possibility up five years ago when I left without saying goodbye.”
My stomach bottomed out as if I’d just been dumped by a big wave.
“Oh.”
After that opening, it was like Alex wouldn’t shut up
“I was an idiot. Nothing I can tell you now will justify it.”
“Why don’t you start by telling us what you felt back then?” the lady encouraged. She reminded me of Nan—no question was out of bounds. Was it an age thing?
I listened closely. Five years I’d been waiting to hear this. Waiting to hear why he’d walked away from me without a word. Why he’d broken all the promises he’d made to me. Promises of love and forever.
4
Alex
I looked at Chloe. She glanced at me expectantly before turning away.
“I don’t know. I didn’t want to break her heart. Or her.”
Good job, dipshit. I broke her, her heart and everything we had.
“My dad was in the army. Every time he was deployed, mum would worry. It was like her life was in a holding pattern.” I rubbed the back of my neck. Recalling those memories was hard. “One day it turned out that worry was warranted. He didn’t come home.”
We were teenagers. Sam and Chloe were best friends. She saw first-hand what it did to our family. How it destroyed my mum.
“I didn’t want her to live through that.”
Chloe stiffened beside me. I peeked at her. Her arms were crossed and jaw set. Obviously, my piss poor excuse had done nothing to abate her anger.
“At the end of my training, I was recruited into special forces. It was a dream come true.”
A dream I should have shared with Chloe, who had stood by me every step of the way. Even when my family had disagreed with my decision to join the army, she had stood by me. And then I just threw it in her face. I was such a dick. She knew what she was getting into and it should have been her choice whether to stay with me or not.
“But that made my job even more dangerous. I thought it was more reason to separate myself from her.”
It was stupid. I was stupid. And then when I’d become a sniper, I thought I really had made the best decision distancing myself.
“I loved her. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
The lady smiled at me, sympathetic. “I’m not sure it was the right thing.”
I nodded. She didn’t need to tell me. I loved being in the army but without Chloe it seemed like I was only half living. Half of me was left behind.
“How did you end up here together?” the man asked, nodding at Chloe.
“My sister set it up. It seems she’ll go to any lengths to get us back together.”
“Your sister must love you.”
“I’m sure she loves Chloe more.”
“If she’s willing to put Chloe in this situation, she must think there is hope.”
Hope was all I had.
“I don’t know how you’re going to make this right, son.” The man patted my leg. “But if there’s one thing I know about the human heart, it has an enormous capacity for love. Maybe she’ll find a way to forgive you.”
Maybe.
5
Chloe
As we stepped off the bus, I turned to Alex. “Go head-butt a knife.”
I stalked off, leaving him standing there. Forgive him? Fuck that.
“You’ve got your work cut out for you,” the man said.
I stayed close to the front of the group as we hiked to Nature’s Window. With each step I took, my anger dissipated. Being so close to nature always cleansed my negativity. The smooth red rock under my feet, the scraggly trees beside the path and the bright blue sky were intoxicating.
Nature’s Window was a natural phenomenon—a hole in the middle of layers and layers of rock. The layers were like sheets of filo pastry in baklava. The hole was three or four feet high. When we looked through it, the Murchison River with its sandy banks stretched before us.
“I’ll take a photo with the two of you,” Alex’s lady-friend said.
Caught up in the moment, I agreed. Alex put his arm around me. Heat radiated off his body. When I looked up at him, he was smiling down at me with those lips I’d kissed hundreds of times. I’d dreamt about their warmth and softness for years. With my heart beating fast, I averted my gaze and smiled at the camera.
I followed the guide closely as we made our way down to the river, listening as he told us about the history of the park—from the rock formations that formed 2500 million years ago through to the Dreamtime stories of the Aboriginals who were here 30,000 years ago. He told of the Creation Serpent whose path created the waterways. Every time my mind drifted towards Alex, I hauled its arse back to the present.
My heart dropped when we reached the canoes. They were doubles, which meant I’d have to share with Alex.
“Looks like you’re stuck with me,” Alex said as he reached my side.
“Not if I dump you in the river.” I raised my eyebrows at him, daring him to test me.
“Good luck with that. I’m a trained soldier.”
“Means nothing in the real world.”
6
Alex
The magnificent red cliffs towered above us but I only had eyes for Chloe. She was paddling at a decent rate, putting distance between us and the group.
“You can paddle as fast as you like but you can’t get rid of me.”
“One can dream.”
“I’ve been dreaming of you for five years, Chlo.”
“Fuck off, Alex.”
“We can do that too if you like.”
Her shoulders tensed. “You’re dreaming again. The only thing you’ll be fucking is your hand.”
Water splashed off her paddle and flicked in my face.
“Stop flicking water at me.”
Chloe said nothing. Instead, she flicked more. She forgot that I was sitting in the better position. As she continued to paddle, I dipped my paddle in and splashed her. Her squeal made me laugh. I did it again.
Without warning, Chloe launched herself backwards into my lap. She reached down into the water, and the canoe lurched with her movement. I counterbalanced it. Trapped, I watched her scoop up water and throw it in my face. I was spluttering as another wave hit me. Chloe laughed uncontrollably while the canoe lurched again and then kept going, taking us both with it. I pushed her out of the way so she didn’t get hit by the canoe. Her laughter echoed to me through the water. That sound warmed my heart.
“How’s the soldier training working for you now?” she asked as my head broke the surface.
“Just fine—”
A barrage of water hit me when she lay back and kicked her feet at me. Reaching out, I grabbed her feet and pulled her towards me.
“Do you know what we do to disobedient soldiers in the army?”
“I think torture is out. You’ve dished that out already just by being here.”
Smart arse.
I gave her one last pull, let her legs go and grabbed her waist as she drifted to me.
“So, if I kissed you now, would that be double torture?”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
7
Chloe
He did dare!
When his soft lips met mine, my lips were ready to respond. My whole body was ready to respond. My hands drifted to his shoulders, feeling the hard muscle beneath his wet t-shirt. What they really wanted was to feel his skin. He moved me closer to him and my stomach did a flip. My lips did not falter as they opened to his.
And then my brain said a big fat no. I pushed him away.
“Too soon?” he asked.
“Never would be too soon.”
My body longed for him as I swam away to
grab my paddle. I went to the canoe next and righted it without his help. I ignored Alex as I dragged the canoe back to the bank so I could get back in. The rest of the group went past us as I waited for him. Leaving him there would have been my preference, but we were in the middle of a tour and that wasn’t an option. What did he think? That giving some excuse for his shitty behaviour and kissing me would lead me to forgive him? Fat chance.
As we paddled off again, Alex said, “Why don’t we go slower this time so we can enjoy the scenery?”
“Why don’t you just shut up?”
He had a point though. I looked around at the cliffs. They were a rich red, dotted with green from trees whose roots barely had purchase. The red and green complemented each other.
Deep, profound silence surrounded us. If it weren’t for the group in front of us and their voices echoing down the river, I would have believed we were alone. Years ago, being alone with Alex would have been a dream come true. We were always consumed by each other. Not now.
* * *
“You can sleep in the tent tonight,” I said to Alex after we’d showered. I didn’t want the guilt of him sleeping in the car.
Rex was overjoyed. He kept jumping from one sleeping bag to the other. Alex and I reached our hands out at the same time to settle Rex between us. We lay there, our hands almost touching as Rex’s antics dissolved. Alex’s fingers brushed mine. My heart rate quickened. Then his fingers encircled mine.
“I’m sorry, Chlo.”
I lay silent.
“I know I fucked up. I shouldn’t have left the way I did.”
Was the cover of darkness giving him the confidence to speak? I didn’t have the same bravery. My stomach twisted as I remembered the day I realised I’d been abandoned.
Sitting on the front porch, I waited for Alex’s car to pull into the drive. He was late. The sun was already beginning to rise. It was our Saturday tradition to be at the beach and paddling out into the water as the first rays lit the horizon. The temperature dropped as I waited. Where was he? Had he had an accident? I called him. His phone went straight to message bank. I called Sam.
“Do you know where Alex is?”
She was quiet for a moment too long. My heart beat thumped in my chest.
“What do you mean, do I know where Alex is? He’s gone.”
“Gone?” The word came out as a squeak.
“He flew out yesterday.”
I couldn’t understand what she was saying. “Flew out?”
“For army training.”
I clenched the wooden step beneath me. It was the only thing that grounded me as my life catapulted.
Alex’s voice brought me back to the present. “I loved you…I didn’t want to see you hurt.”
“So, you dumped me and ran? Actually, you didn’t even dump me. You just ran.”
“I know…it was stupid.” He took a deep breath. “I was trying to protect you.”
My body tensed. He must have sensed it because he held my fingers tighter. Firm but gentle, as if he were handling a timid wild animal, and he didn’t want to frighten it away.
“You think you protected me? You ruined me. You ruined everything I thought I knew about love.”
“I’m sorry. I will make it up to you every day of my life if you’ll give me a chance.” Desperation filled his voice. He didn’t know what desperate was. Five years ago, I’d been desperate to hear his voice, for him to tell me he loved me, that he would be coming home to me. It was worse than when my dad left. My father had been so unreliable throughout my life that when he left and only visited on special days, I was disappointed but not surprised. But Alex was the opposite. I never doubted him until that day. After that, I doubted everything.
“Why now, Alex?” Leaving the army didn’t mean he could simply return to me.
He sighed. “Sam’s wedding. It should be us. We were always going to be the ones who got married first. We had it all planned out—sunrise at the beach, surfing, a champagne breakfast.” His words tumbled over each other, surprising me. He was always calm and collected.
Those wedding plans were just another painful memory. He’d planned it all around my favourite things. Every last detail was about me. And then he left, ruining that dream forever. Ruining me.
“So what? Your competitive nature is disappointed that Sam is going to beat you at something?”
Alex’s sigh was harsh this time. “No. I love you, Chloe. I’ve always loved you.”
I pulled my hand away. “Bullshit. I find that hard to believe.”
Knowing that I wanted to believe him was terrifying.
Alex sat up. He ran his hand down his face. “I don’t blame you.”
“You have no idea what you did to me.”
“No, but Sam reminded me every time the opportunity arose.”
Poor Sam being stuck between us for all of these years. Did she really think I should forgive him? She would never put me in this situation if she thought he would hurt me again. But putting my heart out there was like asking me to surf in shark infested water. Could I do it?
8
Alex
Seven days of travelling trapped in a car together led to long conversations. Chloe told me about uni and how the work she was doing helped our oceans. We spoke about my life in the army, places I’d visited, experiences I wanted to share with her. She got angry at all the time I’d wasted. If things got heated, Rex would whine in the back seat, reminding us to pull our heads in.
At one point she stopped the car on the side of the highway and got out.
As I stood next to her on the parched red dirt, she yelled, “What do you want from me, Alex?”
“You. I want you.”
Wide eyes stared back at me. I took a step back in case she decided to throw a punch.
“I can’t go through that heartbreak again.”
“I’d rather die than hurt you a second time.” I stepped towards her and cupped her face in my hand. My thumb travelled across her cheekbone. “I know asking you to trust me is like heading out into the ocean when there is no moon or stars.”
She nodded, her eyes searching mine. I took a chance and leant my face to hers, embracing her lips with mine. The way she melded into my body was the only answer I needed.
We made it to Broome on the third night of the Staircase to the Moon. As we stood on the shore watching the moon rise over the tidal flats of Roebuck Bay, I put my arm around Chloe’s shoulders. My eyes flicked between the rising moon and Chloe’s entranced face. So close to the horizon, the moon looked large. Its warm glow bathed Chloe’s oval face, enhancing her beauty. The glow also highlighted the ripples in the mud flats left by the outgoing tide. Light reflected off the water in the shallow gullies, creating a staircase to the moon.
After the moon had risen and the crowd began to disperse, I turned to Chloe and took her into my arms. I didn’t linger by looking at her face. What I needed was her lips on mine. I pulled her close, my lips embracing hers. She didn’t resist as I parted them and searched out her tongue with mine. I pressed my hardness into her and she moaned into my mouth.
The softness of her breasts pushed against me. I couldn’t resist them and my left hand forced its way between us. Her breasts were larger than I remembered. My thumb caressed her nipple, making it hard. She moaned again, turning me on even more. I needed her. I needed to be inside her.
A hard knock from a passer-by drove our lips apart. I smiled down at her. Her sheepish smile returned mine. We were just like we’d been as teenagers, completely lost in each other.
When we got back to the tent Rex settled in his place between us. Talk about a cock block. I lay there trying to ignore how horny I was and how much I wanted Chloe. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this sexually frustrated. Probably when Mum took us to Margaret River for a surfing weekend and she barely left us alone. The woman of my dreams was less than a metre away but I may as well have been still fighting a war in a foreign land.
“Oh God
,” Chloe said, covering her nose. The smell hit me next. Dog fart. It was ripe. Rex must have eaten something bad.
Chloe laughed, the sound muffled by her hand. He let another one go.
“You need to take him out,” she said. “He can’t sleep in here. We’ll die.”
Rex looked at me begrudgingly as I took him outside with his bed. I tied him up at the door of the tent and gave him a pat. “It will be better out here for you.”
And better for me.
Chloe was still laughing when I came back in. I pulled my mattress close to hers and unzipped my sleeping bag so it would act like a blanket. Chloe did the same with hers and we laid it on the bottom.
That was it. There was no more waiting. I pulled my shirt off before I lay down beside her and crushed her lips with mine. I found the hem of her sleep shirt and pulled it over her head. There was barely any light in the tent but I could see the curves of her body. My dick hardened. I tried to tell myself I should go slow. I needed to take my time and worship every inch of her body. But my dick drove another part of my brain.
I cupped a breast and sucked on it. Chloe’s hips rose as I twirled my tongue around her hard nipple. I moved to her other one, her hands pushed on my shoulders, sending me lower. As my mouth moved down the smooth skin of her stomach, I made quick work of her underwear.
I hit the bottom of the tent as I moved lower. Grabbing her hips, I twisted her around so we were diagonal. She shuffled her body up, so I had all the room I needed. My fingers explored her wetness. Knowing she was wet for me turned me on even more, and I pumped two of them into her, right up to my knuckles. I curled them, just the way she liked it, and hit the magic spot. Her hips bucked and she moaned my name.
9
Chloe
