“Of course.”
“Your religion… I’ve heard a lot of people talking about how dragons are a sign of the end of times, because of a book in your bible. Revelations? That talks about a seven-headed dragon…”
Antonio let out a heavy sigh. It was perfectly reasonable that Audiv, not religious herself, would have a misunderstanding of the situation. What bugged him most was that there were a lot of people who considered themselves religious who were completely ignorant of the facts, too. It was easy enough to misunderstand Revelations, he supposed… but for the most part, the people spewing off false information were people who had never even read it.
“It doesn’t actually mention a seven-headed dragon. There’s a seven-headed beast that is a servant of the dragon, or the devil. But no seven-headed dragon.”
“But dragons are still synonymous with evil in the bible.”
Antonio let out a sigh. “Yes. And that did cause trouble and uncertainty for me and my family. But I suppose it’s like being gay. Something that you are, not something that you choose. Evil, though… evil is a choice. Nobody is born evil.”
They sat in silence for a moment, watching the other patrons of the library move about. There was one young woman who thought she was hidden by the stacks of books who peered at them in a dreamy fashion, but everybody else ignored them. Antonio wasn’t sure what the woman was hoping she’d see, but he already knew she wasn’t going to get it. He wasn’t the type of person to have PDAs.
“When you first realized you were a dragon…” Audiv whispered. “Were you frightened?”
“Terrified. I didn’t know what it meant for me, I didn’t know what it meant for my family. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t real, that I wasn’t a dragon. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier, had I just admitted it to myself. Came here earlier, gotten a better handle on it…”
Audiv pulled away from him and fixed him with a stern look. “There is one thing that I know would help you better control your fires that you’re not doing.”
The first thought that came to Antonio’s mind was sex. They had all been told when they first arrived that keeping sexually active produced endorphins and hormones that helped to control a dragon’s fires. He opened his mouth to tell her that they’d already talked about that when Audiv folded her arms and scowled.
“I know you don’t want to, but if you would voluntarily shift, your dragon wouldn’t burst through like it does. You’d recognize the feelings and be able to better prepare yourself, so you don’t accidentally shift.”
Oh. Right. Antonio glanced away. That was what she was talking about. Katrina and Thonis had both told him the same, but they didn’t give him the look that Audiv was giving him. Like he was being an idiot about the whole thing. And maybe he was.
He let out a deep breath. “I haven’t been ready to embrace my dragon, Audiv.”
“That day when I came and sat in on Katrina’s class, you said you accepted your situation.”
“Acceptance isn’t the same as embracing.” He frowned at her a moment, trying to think of how he could explain it to her. “I have accepted that I’m a dragon, and I’ve grown used to these fires in my belly. I think, if they were extinguished, I would miss them. That doesn’t mean I’m ready to go flying around with that loss of control.”
Audiv shook her head, sighing. “That’s just the thing. The reason you don’t have that control is because you’re not voluntarily shifting. It’s like a pressure valve. You keep it open, and the pressure doesn’t build up. You have it closed, and it explodes. What control do you have then?”
Antonio didn’t respond to that.
“Okay.” She pulled back and stared at him seriously. “Another question. This one more sensitive.”
Dread settled into the pit of his stomach, but he nodded.
“Have you gone back to your church since all of this started?”
Antonio’s jaw clamped shut. Why was she asking that? She didn’t have any religion, what did it matter to her whether he was participating in his?
“Have you had anything to do with your faith? And don’t give me that look.” She echoed his glare. “Answer the question.”
“I don’t—”
“Antonio.”
He clenched his jaw for a moment longer before reluctantly shaking his head. “No. I haven’t had anything to do with church since I became a dragon. I haven’t even worn the cross my grandmother gave me.”
“And why not?” Audiv pulled away and clenched her hands. The young woman spying on them started to look alarmed and excited. “How could you just throw away something that was so important to you? Next, you’re going to tell me that you don’t call your family, and when they call you, you make excuses for why you can’t talk to them.”
Not all the time. “Why is this upsetting you so much?”
“Why shouldn’t it?”
“Because…” he trailed off. He’d been about to say that they barely knew each other. That didn’t feel true, though. Yes, they hadn’t known each other for long and their serious times spent together had been a recent development. But he felt like he’d known her all his life. He felt like she knew him almost better than he knew himself.
Audiv’s expression softened as she sat back next to him. “You have to really think about what’s got you so scared, Antonio. You’re not going to be able to embrace or control you dragon until you do.”
“I know what I’m afraid of.” His voice was a whisper. “I’m afraid of going to hell for something I can’t control.”
Audiv’s eyes widened. She grabbed his hands in hers and shook her head. “But what you just said—”
“What if I’m wrong?”
She fell silent. Antonio’s heart plunged. This was the first time he admitted having such a feeling, and now that he’d said it out loud, he desperately hoped for some sort of reassurance. But if Audiv didn’t have anything to say, how could there be any comfort at all?
“If I’m remembering right,” she said after a moment, a pinch in her brow. “There is something in the bible that says that men are to be judged by their actions, right?”
Antonio nodded slowly.
“Then how can God be a just being, and judge some by their actions and others by what He Himself made them?” She gave him a challenging look. “Unless you’re saying that God is a vicious being that proclaims doom on a whim.”
“That’s not what I’m saying at all,” Antonio protested. His eyes widened. The very thought of it was horrendous! How could a being that had given him so much comfort in his life be anything but just and merciful? “But what if being a dragon means that I—”
“You said that it was like being gay.”
Antonio pressed his lips together and nodded.
“Do you think that every gay person is going to hell for being gay? Or are you saying that you think if you embrace your dragon and start shifting voluntarily… that’s what is going to send you to hell?”
Antonio sighed as he hid his face in his hands. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore, Audiv. And that’s the worst of it. I don’t even know if I believe.”
She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“What does it matter to you if I don’t?” he whispered. “You said you only believe in yourself and magic.”
“That doesn’t mean I would ever deny someone else their faith, or that I don’t realize the importance of it in your life, Antonio.”
He inhaled deeply, feeling better just for having said it aloud. He lifted his head and turned back to her, a small smile on his face. His gaze flicked over to the young woman spying on them, and when their eyes met, she turned bright red and started to pack up her things. Antonio gave Audiv a light kiss and a grateful smile.
“I’ll be fine. It’s never been without its difficulties. It’s been hard to hold to my faith in the past, with all the hypocrisy out there. I just have to remember that I am not one of them and that my God isn’t a God of v
iolence. Those who believe that He is, believe the lies of men using His name to harm others rather than His own words.” He inhaled again, shifting his mind away from the heavy conversation they had had. A small but peaceful knowledge came to his mind; even if he was a dragon now, that didn’t change who he was at his core. He needed to get back to who he was, a man who protected others. His eyes hardened as he thought of Michael Angstrom and the harm he had already done. “Speaking of which… There is a hypocrite out there that needs to be stopped. And you need your magic back.”
Chapter Ten
Audiv
Her mouth tasted like Cheetos, but Audiv had the feeling that an answer was just around the corner. She couldn’t go to refill her water or grab something else to eat until she was done this passage, at least. The librarians were going to be furious with her for leaving cheesy fingerprints on their books, but she’d already wiped her hands off the best she could on her pants. What more did they want?
Besides, they had the magic to clean them up and keep these ancient tomes in perfect order.
She stood at her normal table in the library, hunched over a book sitting open in the middle while two others were open and pressing into her stomach closer to the edge. So far, she’d been able to find a lot of quotes from a dude named Plimy about warlocks, but they were all in scattered pieces throughout these books; she was just trying to piece them together.
“Here.” A voice at her elbow made her jump.
Audiv turned to see Dominique standing there, the tips of her ears pink as she held out Audiv’s water bottle to her. When had she taken that? Audiv’s brows furrowed together as she accepted the bottle, eagerly washing out the taste of Cheetos. When she looked back at Dominique, the younger woman also had a cheese sandwich on a plate, holding it out.
“Thanks,” Audiv murmured. “You didn’t have to.”
“You’ve been in here for hours. Thought you might need a bit of a pick-me-up.”
Surprised, Audiv glanced at the clock. She had been here for hours. Next time she needed to bring more snacks. She sat down, hungrily devouring the sandwich while reading over the last paragraph again. There was a lot of talk about how to reverse a warlock’s magic, but so far, she hadn’t found any instructions. It was so frustrating, to have it at the tips of her fingers but unable to find the actual process.
Dominique glanced at the books and shook her head. “This is all so terrifying. I didn’t know that someone could be that hateful…” She shuddered. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Yeah.” Audiv pointed at a stack of books she’d glanced through and had decided there might be something in them. “You can take a look through those and make a note of any page that has something to do with Plimy, warlocks or stolen magic.”
Dominique nodded as she grabbed the book and sat down. “With all that’s happening, I’m surprised that Indulf asked Antonio to help with the FBI stuff, too. Not that I know what it’s about,” she added hastily. “I just know that he’s been asked to do something with the FBI.”
There was a fair bit of evidence of someone fairly high in the FBI who was sending people right to Angstrom to have their magic stolen away from them. Audiv didn’t know all the details about it, either, since Antonio told her that it was being kept secret and though he knew he could trust her, he didn’t want to put her in any awkward situations. She just hoped that he wasn’t biting off more than he could chew. There was a lot of work to be done, and even though this FBI corruption was involved with Angstrom, he was also doing his own side investigation to find out where he was.
Audiv let out a deep breath and tried to focus on her page again. “It surprised me, too, but Antonio did used to be part of the FBI, after all. If anybody can do this, he can. He can accomplish anything he sets his mind to.”
Dominque giggled, sounding oddly flustered for such an innocent statement. “Oh, I think I know that.”
She blushed when Audiv sent her a questioning look and ducked her head. What was that about? Was… was she attracted to him? Was that why she was acting like a schoolgirl? Audiv was almost amused, imagining this shy, tongue-tied woman with Antonio. She could see him going out with her a few times to help her build her confidence, but not anything serious or permanent.
“I have never seen a man so focused on what he wants.” Dominique peeked up again and gave her a sly smile. “So how long have you two been dating?”
Audiv choked on her own spit, the question knocking her off guard. “What?”
“Don’t play coy, I have eyes. I can see the way you two are always looking at each other. Plus, the other day I came to check on you and…”
She wasn’t going red. It just suddenly got very, very warm in the library. Audiv bent her head over her book, grimacing. How much had Dominique seen—or heard? The other day wasn’t exactly clear. It didn’t have to be the day when Antonio’s fingers played between her thighs when her core tightened and explosions of pleasure washed through her.
She doubted that it was any other day, though, and her cheeks went even redder. She swallowed hard, trying not to think about that right now. Dominique already looked like the cat that got the cream, she didn’t need any more fuel for the fire. And, Audiv thought wryly, I need to stop using clichés.
“Well?” Dominique pressed. “I thought something was up when he called me to come stay with you after your accident. Why haven’t you told me you’re dating?”
“Because… we’re not.”
Dominique’s brows rose.
Audiv closed her eyes, wishing she hadn’t said that—why couldn’t she have just told Dominque that it wasn’t any of her business and that they were supposed to be working? Now she had to explain something she didn’t want to explain… didn’t know how to explain, really. She didn’t even know what her relationship with Antonio was. But she had to say something, otherwise, Dominque would think that she was a total slut…
Does it really matter what Dominique thinks of me? I have plenty of friends.
Only that wasn’t entirely true. Audiv wasn’t lacking in companionship, but friends? Who could she have called to come sit with her when she had her concussion? Nobody. I wouldn’t have called Dominique, either. So maybe it’s just that I don’t consider myself a friend to them when they’re friends to me…
Maybe it was time to start opening up a little more.
“Uh… it’s complicated,” Audiv said, shifting uncomfortably. “Antonio and I haven’t talked about what our relationship is. And we haven’t gone on any traditional dates. I mean… he hasn’t asked me out and I haven’t asked him out. Not on anything official, at least. So, I don’t…”
Her stomach twisted, and a sinking feeling entered her chest. It was true that they hadn’t done anything besides him touching her, but that was still sharing her body with him. It was still having that connection between them. What if it meant more to her than it did to him? What if she had given up part of what she had been saving to someone who didn’t love her?
Do I love him?
She leaned back in her chair, uncertain what she was thinking or feeling. Part of her kept saying that, of course, he cared, he showed her he cared, and of course, it was nothing to be ashamed of or regret, not when there was that emotion between them. He had ensured that things didn’t go too far. He had promised her that he’d get her magic back.
Surely it was strong enough between them, even if it might not be love between them?
“Well, if you’re not dating, you should be,” Dominique told her bluntly. A smile played about her lips as she winked. “If someone looked at me the way Antonio looks at you, I wouldn’t be wasting any time.”
Of course. If her only doubts were because they hadn’t been talking, then what the hell was she waiting for? She jumped to her feet and took several steps away before she glanced back. Dominique stared at her, jaw hanging slack. Audiv’s ears warmed, but she still grinned at her friend. Maybe Dominique needed more friends, but then again Audiv did
, too.
“Thank you,” she breathed, meaning every word. “I’ll be back when I can.”
Dominique smiled and nodded.
Audiv turned again. She was already out of the library when she thought that maybe she should have brought a book so they could be pretending to go over some sort of plan to get Angstrom. She shoved that thought away quickly. Why should she pretend to be after anything other than what she was really after? If Indulf didn’t like it, she’d just remind him how often she had come to his office to talk to him, only to find Anna on his desk pretending her underwear weren’t around her ankles.
Her heart was pattering and hands were shaking by the time she made it to the door of Antonio’s temporary office. He was given a desk in the same space as the four hunters, Jord, Watn, Hyrr, and Vindr. When she entered, she was grateful to see that it was empty save for her dragon. A scowl was on his face, but she didn’t let that slow her down as she marched forward and put her hands on his desk.
“What are we?” she demanded.
Antonio looked up, startled, then frowned. “What do you mean?”
“What are we? Are we dating?”
He blinked, then laughed. “I thought we were.”
Audiv relaxed. She grinned at him and nodded in satisfaction. “Good. We hadn’t talked about it and I decided I needed some proper answers. So we’re dating. Good. That’s good. I’d hate to have gone to third base with someone I wasn’t dating.”
Antonio stood and walked around his desk, to gently put his hands on her shoulders and kiss her. Heat burned in her lips at the contact, and she relaxed into his embrace.
“We are dating,” he assured her. “Quite frankly, I’m a little hurt that you would think I’d permit myself to get so sexual with a casual acquaintance. Do you think I’m some sort of slut, Audiv? That I go around putting my fingers into any old girl?”
Her face went red and her breath was taken away, so she couldn’t even protest his choice of words—she wasn’t old—and he kissed her again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled herself closer to him, the solid strength of him. Was it possible that he was even more muscular now than he had been when they last kissed? Maybe that meant he was going to shift voluntarily, soon…
The Dragon Fighter's Witch: A Paranormal Romance (Separated by Time Book 7) Page 6
