After about twenty minutes, she finally spoke.
“Do you feel like talking about it?” she asked.
“I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about.” He shrugged. “Eight years ago today, the driver of a pickup truck hit my best friend head-on as he rode his motorcycle. A simple story with a tragic ending.”
Several oppressively heavy moments passed before Taylor quietly asked, “Was Silas an experienced rider?”
“He’d only had the bike for about a year,” Jamar said. By some unspoken agreement, they slowed their steps. Jamar backed up against the weathered railing and plucked out a yellowed leaf caught between the grooves of the wooden slats. He twirled it between his fingers.
“I still remember the day me and Silas picked it up. He’d saved up for that bike all summer until he was finally able to buy it from a junkyard outside Houston. We took his grandfather’s old Chevy to get it. I was scared the damn bike would fall apart before we ever got it back to Katy.” Jamar huffed out a laugh. “But he fixed it up, and by the time school started, he had it running. Big Silas wouldn’t let him take it to school, but as soon as class let out, he was on that bike, tearing up the fields near his grandfather’s house.”
“Fields? Isn’t Katy pretty suburban?”
“Yeah, but Silas lived with his grandfather out in the country. The only reason he got to attend Katy High School is because a friend of his grandmother’s allowed him to use her address. The administration knew he didn’t live in the district, but he was too good of a football player for people to say anything.
“Sometimes I wonder if Silas would have been better off going to Morton Ranch High. It’s possible we would have never met, which would have been better for him.”
He heard Taylor’s sharp intake of breath. “Why would you say something like that? He was your best friend.”
“He was.” Jamar swallowed. The lump in his throat had grown bigger in the last couple of minutes, to the point that it felt as if he’d choke on it. “And he lost his life because of it. Because of me.”
Taylor vigorously shook her head, her wide eyes bright with dismay. “Don’t say—”
“It’s true,” Jamar forced out, the words like acid on his tongue.
A familiar, punishing weight pressed against his chest, a crushing millstone he accepted as his penance for the role he’d played in his friend’s tragic death. For the hardships his actions had caused Silas’s family to endure all these years.
He should stop right now. Taylor wasn’t his therapist. She wasn’t some trash dump here to accept all his garbage.
But keeping this inside was slowly killing him. He needed someone to hear him, to allow him to finally unburden himself of the suffocating guilt he’d harbored for so long.
She took his hand and squeezed it. “Jamar, talk to me. That’s what I’m here for.”
His eyes fell shut as a staggering wave of gratitude crashed over him. How did she know exactly what he needed?
He swallowed several times before he could speak.
“On the night—” His voice still broke. He cleared his throat. “On the night of the accident, the Katy Tigers were playing our biggest rival. There were so many fans there, including scouts from some of the top NCAA programs in the country.
“I had my best game of the season, possibly of my entire high school career. Silas had an amazing game too.” Jamar huffed out a humorless laugh. “But then he always did. That was the problem.”
Taylor’s forehead creased in confusion, as he knew it would.
“The town had dubbed us this amazing duo, but Silas was the real star. He would never admit it, because I’ll be damned if you could find someone more humble than him, but he was a beast on the football field.”
“I think you’re the one being humble,” Taylor said. “I’ve read enough articles about you to know that you were one of the best players in the country.”
“Silas was better,” Jamar said. “He just was. But in that particular game—our homecoming game—I was on fire. I’d scored three of our five touchdowns, but we were still trailing by four points with only twenty-three seconds left in the game. Twenty-three seconds to go, my football number. It was meant for me.”
“What happened?” she asked.
“Coach drew up a running play, but our quarterback bobbled the snap before he could get it to me. One of the linebackers for the other team recovered the ball, but then out of nowhere, Silas knocked it out of his hands, grabbed it, and ran it in for the game-winning touchdown.”
“But that’s…um…that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
Still holding on to her hand, he reached over and snagged another leaf that had been caught in the weathered railing.
“I guess it’s a good thing if you’re in it for the team and care about more than just yourself,” Jamar said. He studied the veins of the leaf. “The way I saw it, it was Silas showing me up yet again. I can still remember the celebration once time ran out. Everyone was chanting his name, and I just stood there, fucking hating him.”
The words felt like razor blades coming out of his mouth, but he’d held on to this truth for too long. Now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop.
“Some people are born natural athletes, and some have to bust their asses to get up to that level. That’s how it was for me and Silas. I’m not saying he didn’t work hard, because he did. But there was just something about him that made his game look effortless. I resented that I had to work so much harder, and yet I still didn’t measure up.” He swallowed. “And that night, when I’d finally had the chance to stand out, once again Silas swooped in and stole all my fire.”
“You were in high school,” Taylor said. “Kids are like that in high school. You’re selfish and stupid and it’s totally understandable, Jamar. But I still don’t get why you think Silas is dead because of you.”
“Because it is because of me,” he said.
Jamar scrubbed a hand down his face, wishing he could scrub away the last ten minutes. Why hadn’t he listened to his gut and kept his mouth closed? Why didn’t he consider how Taylor would view him after she learned the truth about him?
But it was too late to take it back. If he didn’t follow through, he risked her jumping to her own awful conclusions. Although Jamar couldn’t think of anything worse than the truth.
He cleared the self-contempt from his throat and continued. “As I said, it was homecoming night. So of course there were parties going on everywhere after the game. A bunch of us from the team had already decided which party we would go to first, but instead of going, I decided to just drive around.
“When I didn’t show up for the party, Silas started texting. For over an hour he kept calling and texting and calling and texting, and I just ignored it.” His voice broke again. “He left one final voicemail, saying that he was worried and that he was going to come look for me.” Jamar blew out a breath. “I ignored that one too.”
He let the leaf fall from his fingers, studying it as it flittered to the wooden trail and landed softly on the bed of crushed leaves already there.
“The next call I got was from his sister, Andrea, asking me to come to the hospital because Silas had been in an accident. He died a few days later.”
“Oh, Jamar,” she whispered, reaching for him.
His first instinct was to pull away, but he allowed her to take his hand. He needed the comfort, craved it. He’d been alone with these thoughts for too damn long.
He used his free hand to pull his phone from his pocket. He swiped his thumb across the screen and scrolled through his old voicemails.
He hit play.
His stomach lurched at the sound of Silas’s voice, the layer of panicked concern blanketing the words as he pleaded with Jamar to pick up the phone. A heavy silence hung in the air after the ten-second recording ended.
“I play this whenever I find myself starting to enjoy life too much,” he admitted.
“Goodness, Jamar. Why would you
do that to yourself?”
“Why shouldn’t I? Why should I get to enjoy any of this after what I did to him? The other driver was found to be at fault, but Silas never should have been on the road. He should have been at the party. If I’d only answered one text, even if it was just to tell him I wasn’t coming, he would still be here.
“And you know what’s really fucked up? Everyone felt so bad for me. The entire town knew how close me and Silas were, so they treated me like I’d lost a brother, not knowing that I’m the reason my brother is no longer here.”
“Jamar—”
“He would still be here, Taylor. He would be playing in the NFL—he was one of the top prospects in the nation.” Jamar closed his eyes, but he couldn’t hold in the hot tears that began to stream down his face. “He had no idea that we were in this one-sided competition, that I used him as this twisted kind of motivation. He deserved so much better than me.”
Jamar felt the soft pad of her thumb swipe at his cheek.
“I’m not going to tell you that it wasn’t your fault, because you’ve spent too many years believing that it is.”
“Who else’s fault would it be? He left the party to look for me!”
“Who’s to say Silas wouldn’t have had an accident on his way home from the party, no matter when he left?” she countered.
“You think I haven’t tried to tell myself that lie? That I haven’t tried to convince myself that this was Silas’s fate and it would have happened no matter what?” Jamar shook his head. “It’s bullshit. He’s dead because of me. You can come up with however many excuses you want to, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“Do you know what else won’t change anything?” she asked. “You playing this ‘what if’ game. What have you gained by blaming yourself all these years?” She cupped his jaw in her palms. “You need to ask yourself what would Silas want for you. Based on what you’ve told me about him, he wouldn’t want you holding on to this pain, Jamar.”
She tilted his face down to meet hers, and with exquisitely gentle care, pressed her lips to his. The unearned compassion shattered the tenuous hold he had on his emotions.
Jamar could do nothing to stop the tears that rolled down his cheeks, so he let them fall. Even as he lost himself in Taylor’s delicious kiss, he allowed the seemingly endless, cleansing tears to run their course. He could only hope that healing would eventually follow.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Taylor stood before the mirror and slipped on the Tiffany earrings her parents had given her for her sixteenth birthday. She checked the pins in her hair, making sure they were secure enough to hold the braids in the updo she’d fashioned for tonight’s party.
There was a short knock on her door before it swung open. Freddie signed for her to hurry up and come downstairs.
Taylor signed back, In a minute.
Knowing Freddie wouldn’t leave without her, Taylor grabbed the gold wrap that she’d bought to go with her black sequined jumpsuit and a small matching clutch. She gave herself a final once-over in the mirror before following her impatient niece downstairs.
Her entire family had assembled in the great room. Everyone was decked out in black and gold, the official Army colors, and the official colors for tonight’s celebration. She spotted Jamar standing near the fireplace and damn near tripped over her own feet.
Other than in pictures online, this was her first time seeing him in a suit. She had not been ready. The tailored jacket hugged his chiseled shoulders and tapered down to his waist. He’d paired it with a cream-colored shirt and black-and-gold paisley tie. Forget being a snack, this man was the entire freaking buffet.
She headed for him, but when she walked past where Darwin sat on the edge of the sofa, her brother reached out and grabbed her by the wrist.
“Wait a minute,” Darwin said.
Taylor noticed Jamar take a step forward, but she held up a hand.
“What?” she said to her brother.
Darwin looked around, then tilted his head toward the dining area. “Come with me,” he said, heading into the room and not bothering to see if she followed. Arrogant ass.
“What?” Taylor asked again.
“I wasn’t comparing you to Caleb yesterday,” Darwin said. “At least I wasn’t trying to. If it seemed that way, I’m…I didn’t mean for it to seem that way.”
Taylor wasn’t sure what was happening right now, but it was possible her brother was trying to apologize. Maybe she should warn the rest of the family that the world was coming to an end.
“Rebecca and Freddie thought I was insensitive yesterday,” Darwin continued. “I didn’t mean to be.”
Of course Rebecca and Fredericka were behind this.
She considered simply accepting his unvoiced apology, but figured she could at least own up to her part in last evening’s episode. She was so used to Darwin adding a negative spin to everything she did, her knee-jerk reaction was to respond antagonistically, often without taking the time to digest his words.
“Maybe I was a bit too sensitive,” Taylor offered. “I’ll be the first to admit that, where you’re concerned, I tend to react somewhat irrationally.”
“You overreact,” he said, his voice losing the tiny thread of contriteness it had held just a minute ago.
“I’m justified, asshole,” Taylor shot back. So much for them turning over a new leaf when it came to their relationship. “God, I swear, Darwin.”
He stuck his hands out, his shoulders practically meeting his ears as he tried to defend himself. “You said it yourself. I was just agreeing with you.”
He was such an asshole.
“Can we please just come to an understanding?” Taylor said. “Whenever you get the urge to offer your opinion about anything concerning me, don’t. It’s as simple as that.”
“I’m just trying to—”
“Don’t.”
Taylor heard her dad clear his throat from somewhere just over her shoulder. “Do you two care to join us for this toast?”
“Sorry, Daddy,” Taylor said. She turned to her brother and hissed, “See, now you’ve pissed off the Colonel on his birthday.”
“Taylor,” her father said.
“My fault, Dad,” Darwin said.
Darwin motioned for her to go ahead of him. Taylor pinched his arm, but then she took his hand and held on to it as they made their way back into the great room. She gave his hand a squeeze before releasing it.
She loved him. She didn’t like him most of the time, but she would always love him.
She went over to Jamar and grabbed hold of the hand he offered.
He pressed a kiss near her ear and whispered, “Everything okay?”
She nodded, but before she could voice a response, her mother began her toast. Taylor felt tears welling in her eyes as she listened to her mother honor her dad’s sixty years on this earth and over forty years of service to his country. Was it any wonder why she had a reputation for flaying her opposing counsel like a fish? The woman was a brilliant orator.
Once done with the private family toast, they filed out of the house and into their respective cars.
“What happened with your brother?” Jamar asked as he eased into the caravan behind her dad’s new car.
“It’s all good,” Taylor said. “For a minute I thought Darwin had turned into a normal human being, but he’s still an asshole. All is right with the world.”
“I guess that’s good to hear,” he said with a chuckle.
“I honestly wouldn’t know how to deal with him if he was pleasant,” she said. She leaned over and pressed a kiss against his neck. She whispered against his skin, “I saw how you were ready to tackle him for me. Normally, I’d find that kind of stuff annoying because I’d rather fight my own battles, but I have to admit that was pretty sexy, Twenty-Three.”
He glanced away from the road long enough to give her a quick kiss on the lips. “You help me slay my dragons, and I’ll help you slay yours.”
&n
bsp; “Mutual dragon slayage. That’s definitely going in the playbook.”
He reached over and caught her hand, lacing his fingers through hers. “I think we need to revise that playbook when we get back to Austin. Some things have changed since you first came up with it.”
“Such as?” Taylor asked.
“All those end dates have to go.” He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it. “I don’t want this to end.”
Her heart lurched in her chest, a mixture of excitement, anticipation, and fearful hope surging through her.
“I don’t want it to end either,” Taylor said in a soft voice.
They pulled in next to Darwin’s car at the Iron Mike Conference Center on Fort Bragg. When they walked inside, Taylor couldn’t contain her gasp. The decorator had transformed the banquet hall into a tasteful, sophisticated tribute to the Army, with black and gold silk bunting and tablecloths, and a dance floor that had the Army’s emblem projected onto the center of it. It was the perfect setting to celebrate her dad’s birthday.
As the guests started to file in, Taylor braced herself for the good-natured ribbing about Colonel Powell’s “wild child” from her parents’ friends. She’d expected at least a few questions about the viral video with Craig, but instead found herself fielding multiple inquiries about her relationship with Jamar. Her date, to his credit, took it all in stride, even signing a few autographs.
“I don’t appreciate you being more popular than I am at my own dad’s birthday party,” she said, resting her head against his chest as they rocked back and forth to an old ballad from the ’70s.
“That’s because you’re doing this celebrity dating thing all wrong.”
She looked up at him. “How should I be doing it?”
“You should use me to get stuff out of people.” He tipped his head toward a group of men standing near the open bar. “Take that guy who came over about a half hour ago.”
“The one with the Bluetooth speaker hanging from his ear like it’s 2005?”
The Dating Playbook Page 25
