“They are using Hoo technology.”
“Who?”
“No Hoo, you know.”
“You know, Hoo?”
“You, Hoo?”
“You Hoo, can you hear me Mother?” cried Lebil in a high pitched voice.
“Calm down Lebil,” said Danish, “I think you’ve been in the company of Arthur and his companions too long.”
“How can this be, there have been no paradoxes in the precincts?” said the Main Processor.
“We believe it is someone here,” said Danish.
“Well, we do have a bit of a problem with rogue gnomes at the minute.”
Danish and Lebil looked at each other, “Gno-messing around now,” said Lebil.
“Can we please cut out the gnome jokes? It makes my positronic brain overheat. That is a problem seeing as it is I that runs everything on and in the 24 precincts.”
“Sorry,” said Lebil, “I don’t gnome what came over me.”
“Uh hum,” said the Main Processor with a mock clearing of the throat.
“We believe the gnome in question is called Myxlbat,” said Danish.
“Sounds like a cross between Mr Mxyzptlk and Bat Mite,” said the Main Processor.
“It’s a pity the first part of his name Myxl is nothing like Mxyz, it seems the author forgot about his joke about Mxyzptlk that he made in the third book of The Arth Series.”
“Is that out already?” asked the Main Processor.
“It depends where you are in time,” said Danish.
“I think the Author wanted a kind of interdimensional Mxyzptlk/Bat Mite type small villain in today’s episode.”
“So these paradoxes are affecting the Superhero dimension then?”
“No, as a matter of fact they are affecting the cowboy/detective dimension,” said Lebil.
“What a stupid name for a dimension,” said the Main Frame.
“It’s because the Author liked 8 different genres but only had 7 different dimensions to work with.”
“He likes romance? Anyway, I thought it was the Timewarped Timelord who created the 7 different dimensions, based on his library. It says so in the second book.”
“I think the Timewarped Timelord is an archetype based on the Author,” suggested Lebil.
“We could ask him seeing as he is listening to us,” said Danish.
“That’s it,” said the Author,” I am only writing 500 words today.”
“No, but that means you’ll cut us off in mid sent…”
The Time Backwater, The Time War 2
“…ence! I hate it when he does that!” said Lebil.
“What?” asked the Main Frame.
“Cuts you off in mid sentence and leaves you for the night hanging around and kicking your heels. Anyway I thought you were called the Main Processor?”
“I am.”
“Well he described you as the Main Frame in the previous part.”
“Sorry,” said I, “didn’t proof read it properly until it was too late.”
“No-one need know, just go back and change it, we won’t tell anyone.”
“Too late now I am typing down this conversation.”
“You’re the muggings, they are going to think you are a right div now.”
“Div?” said I hoping that Lebil would explain for the American market.
“Div, divvy, stupid, idiot.”
“Steady on there,” I remarked, “do you know who I am?”
“The Author?”
“And you know the power I have over the story, if I don’t like it I won’t type it.”
“Sorry, mate,” said a humbled Lebil “Oi, I wouldn’t describe myself as humble,” he begged. “And I certainly wouldn’t beg!” he begged again.
“I don’t think you’re going to win against the Author,” said Danish, “Just say sorry and don’t do it again.”
“Sorry,” said Lebil and he never did it again.
“Now back to business Main Processor, we want you to hand over or deal with Myxlbat before he causes a time war,” said Danish.
“As I said we are having a problem with gnomes at the minute, they are so small none of our security droids can get to them.”
“What about converting smaller maintenance droids to security tasks?” said Lebil.
“I cannot do anything like that, that would be up to the Time Warped Timelord to re-program them.”
“Get him to do it then.”
“I think he is time warped again.”
“He needs to fix his technology,” said Danish.
“I have an idea,” said Lebil, “why don’t we bring some of our smaller security robots from our dimension to search for him here?”
“That is a good idea Lebil, what do you say about it Main Processor?”
“I would have to override some security protocols to allow them to work here and not be arrested by our own security droids. I will set to it straight away. While I am working would you like a cup of coffee?”
“That would be nice,” said Lebil.
Millie the tea lady from the second book opened the doors with her tea trolley.
“What are you doing here Millie?”
“Oh this is my third job, serving tea to visitors in precinct1.”
“I thought you only popped up if the author wanted to make something funnier?”
“Maybe he does, and maybe he just wants to introduce me to the readers of ‘The Time Backwater, The Time War,’” she said in a booming advertisers voice.
“Oh well, I’ll have a cup of coffee then,” asked Lebil.
“Your usual?”
“Yes please.”
Millie made him a mochachino with two sugars.
“I hope we are not going to run to only 500 words today,” said Danish as he realised the author had typed 517 words in.
“By typing in the word 517 you have really typed 518 words in,” said Lebil to the author who just ignored him.
“What will you have dearie?” Millie asked Danish.
“I’ll have the same and a Danish if you have one?”
“Sorry we only have Valusian Cheritans.”
“What are they like?”
“You’ll have to read the second book to find out what that joke was,” she replied.
“Does this seem like one big advert for one of the Author’s books?” asked Lebil.
“He’ll put the readers off if he’s not careful. We need to get on with the story. Have a bit of action.
Suddenly a gnome dropped from a panel in the wall and ran across to a small niche in the opposite wall. Lebil ran after him and did a dive towards the small malefactor, sliding towards him and then getting wedged in the niche.
“Can you help me Danish,” he said in a muffled voice, “I appear to be stuck.”
“Can’t a man have a cup of coffee in peace,” said Danish as he yanked Lebil out.
“Hang on,” noticed Lebil, “that little fellow also appears to be stuck. He cannot get through the hole at the back. I’ll try to talk to him.” He bobbed down again, “Hello, can we help you?”
The gnome struggled again to get through the hole.
“I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Go away big nose.”
Lebil felt his nose, “That’s very insulting!”
“Well, you’re working for them, and you have a big nose.”
“No I don’t.”
“Well it’s bigger than mine.”
“You’re a gnome, it’s bound to be bigger than yours. Everything on me is bigger than you.”
“Sizeist!”
“I have not come here to have a size related argument with a gnome.”
“What have you come here for then? A cup of coffee?”
“We are trying to find one of your race called Myxlbat, he is causing a danger to the timeline.”
“He’s not here, he’s hidden himself in time, away from you lot.”
Lebil looked at Danish, “Our anti-paradox/CTE sensors hav
e not showed up anything?”
“He may be lying,” mouthed Danish.
“What is your name little one?”
“Sprocket.”
“What were you doing here?”
“I was on duty, to keep an eye on the Main Processor and his machinations, making sure he doesn’t try to exterminate us.”
Lebil looked at Danish again, then back at Sprocket. “Do you know where he is hiding?”
“I think he’s hiding as Patrick the tooth fairy.”
“Well that’s why our sensors haven’t picked him up, fairies don’t exist.”
“Neither do Gnomes, elves and goblins the last time I looked,” said the Author.
“You’re writing this stuff,” said Danish, “How come elves, goblins and gnomes exist in these dimensions but fairies don’t?”
“I don’t know, I’ll think about it and tell you tomorrow.”
But of course the author knew why, he just wanted to keep it secret until he could write the next part of, ‘The Time War.’
The Time Backwater, The Time War 3
So, where were we? Was I going to tell the readers about how there are gnomes and elves and such or was I going to let the characters explain it in a witty and funny bantering type way?
“Is he alright?” asked Lebil.
“Who?” asked Danish.
“The Author.”
“I don’t know but I feel this incredible urge to relate the story of how gnomes and elves and such came into being.”
“I know this story,” said the Main Frame, I mean Main Processor, “I think I shall run a diagnostic program to fill the time.”
“When the Professor, the Time Warped Timelord, created the 7 dimensions he built it on the back of Hoo infrastructure left after the Great Battle. He sewed up time into 7 bundles using his time machine as a needle.”
“Millie, can I have another coffee please, a cappuccino this time,” asked Danish.
“Of course you can.”
Lebil continued, “Upon each copy of earth he placed an exact genetic replica of Adam and…”
PSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFFFFFFFFFFKKKKKKKK went Millie as she made a cappuccino.
“You would have thought that they had the technology to create instant bubbled cappuccino,” Lebil said to the Main Processor, but the Main Processor seemed to ignore him, still running its diagnostic program. “As I was saying an exact copy of Adam…”
PSSSSSHHHHHUUUU…
“Ad…”
PSSSHHH.
“A…”
PSS…
Lebil looked at Millie, “Have you finished yet?”
“Yes,” PSH.
“Adam and Eve.”
“You don’t believe in Adam and Eve do you?” asked Danish.
“Well that’s what the creation story says, but if you are going to argue then we’ll say the first genetically viable humans. But the evil Hoo came and genetically altered the genes of the genetically viable humans and created all kinds of weird and unusual human hybrids. The professor tried to put things right and separated the altered humans into different worlds based upon the books in his library. So elves and dwarves and goblins and gnomes he placed into the fantasy dimension. Those with genetically enhanced super powers into the superhero dimension etc. But with the advent of interdimensional travel the races have mixed on all the 7 earth type planets. So humans travelled into the fantasy dimension and elves into the science fiction dimension etc.”
“He uses etc a lot doesn’t he?” said Millie.
“It cuts down on words and makes people think he knows more than he does,” said Danish.
“All the earth like planets are affected by being so close to the real earth and events are generally similar in all worlds, the building of Temple, the invention of cappuccino and the First and Second World Wars. But to make that happen the Professor had to run himself ragged stopping and causing events to happen at the main junctures of earth time. This is why we, the characters in the 7 dimensions, seem to know so much about real earth history.”
“I think he’s a bit addled really,” said Millie.
“Who, Lebil?”
“No, the Professor. A big blob of bumbling brains”
“That’s a lot of bees? Any more and you could make honey,” said Danish.
“If you don’t like that what about this, a procrastinating pile of perpendicular person.”
“That’s a lot of peas, you could make pea soup.”
“No, the first one was funnier,” said Lebil.
“Have I missed anything?” asked the Main Processor as it seemed to wake from its diagnostic program.
“Yes the gnomes have taken over and are holding us prisoner,” said Lebil.
Immediately the blast doors started to come down and a klaxon sounded with the words, “Shutdown occurring,” spoken by the Main Processor’s other persona.
“I din’t know the Main Processor had another persona?” queried Millie.
“Dint? Didn’t, get it right,” said the Main Processor.
“It wasn’t me who got it wrong,” said Millie, “the Author made a spelling mistake.”
“I don’t thin he would fo that again, he’s got a spell checker you know,” said Danish.
“There;s no need to speak to her like that,” said Lebil.
“Calm down you lot,” said I, “I don’t think my spell checker is working. We’ll have to leave it there for today.”
“Aww, can’t we have a bit of action, it’s been boring and cappuccinos for the past ten minutes,” said Lebil.
“Ok then,” I relented.
Sprocket ran for one of the blast doors and just managed to wriggle under before it came down fully.
“Blast, doors!” exclaimed Danish.
“Ok, ok,” I have everything under control, we are safe in here,” said the Main Processor.
“I was joking about the gnomes taking over,” explained Lebil.
“Oh,” said the Main Processor, “I must still be groggy after my short diagnostic”
“Well, he’s escaped now and we still don’t know where Myxlbat is. We’ll have to return to the science fiction dimension and convert some of those smaller robots we have to security purposes. Ready?” asked Danish.
“Ready,” said Lebil as both he and Danish twiddled the dials on their IWT’s and vanished at the same time.
“I don’t believe it,” said Millie he’s left his coffee behind. Do you want it MP?”
“Don’t be silly Millie. Ha, silly Millie, I did a funny.”
Millie sat on the podium next to the Main Processor and sipped the cappuccino while nibbling on a Valusian Cheritan.
The Time Backwater, The Time War 4
Xanadu was the nickname of the time hub at the centre of the largest time singularity in the science fiction dimension. It linked all the dimensions together and could access all times from the oldest Hoo time marker to the end of the world. Lebil and Danish turned up in their office one minute after they had left. “I could do with a cup of coffee,” said Danish.
“Didn’t you just have one?” asked Lebil.
“Yes and no.”
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“I had one here about half an hour ago, and I had one in non space about ten minutes ago.”
“Well, you’ve had one then.”
“But I left that second one behind that Millie made me.”
“Ok, I’ll get you one from the refectory as long as you get on with requisitioning the surveillance robots.”
“Can you get me a Danish as well? I didn’t get one at the precinct.”
“Anything else? A morning paper, a foot spa?”
“I might have a manly punch in the arm later, but just a coffee and a Danish for now.”
Lebil left to get the coffees and a sergeant entered.
“Excuse me Sir, we have a troublesome PPer in the holding room.”
“What is he doing?”
“He’s a she Sir, s
he has an anti-paradox implant and is refusing to allow us to remove it. If it isn’t removed she might be here until the end of the world!”
“Hang on a minute, let me order these conversions first.”
“Yes sir,” said the sergeant then went back to the holding room.
Danish called the technical support room, “Franklyn, can you convert me 240 surveillance D20 robots into baggers and taggers as soon as you can.”
“That’s a big order and I would have to miniaturise and increase the power of the stun cannons. It might take six months.”
“You have my authority to either go back in time to start the order, or forward in time and get them from yourself in the future.”
“Oooh I don’t know. If I go back in time I could cause a paradox by bumping into myself, I was on antibiotics then and my paradox pills didn’t work. But if I go forward in time I might meet my mother-in-law, and that’s scary.”
“Look it’s your choice, let me know what you did when you do it.” Danish picked up his stun gun, switched it to goggle eyed and put it in his shoulder holster. He then walked to the main holding room.
The sergeant and two other men were corralling the woman into a space between two vending machines, put in place after Arthur2 had complained about the rights of Paradoxed People. “Ok sergeant, I’ll take over now.”
The sergeant stood back a little.
“Now then madam, I hear you have an anti-paradox implant which is a contravention of time code practice. You must give us permission to remove it or we shall have to transport you to precinct 13.”
“I don’t care where you transport me. It’ll be like a holiday compared to what I’ve been through.”
“You do know how scary precinct 13 is, don’t you?”
“Yes, but at least I would still exist.”
Danish looked at the sergeant, “What charge was she brought in on?”
“She was travelling to the past trying to stop her first self from travelling to the future.”
“Ok, where’s the paradox?”
“Apart from the stopping herself before she did it, she stopped off on the way for a shopping trip and saw herself shopping going forward in time.”
“And?”
“That’s it I think, I’m only new to this post.”
“Have you taken Time Travel 101?”
“Yes Sir, but I may need to brush up on the basics again. I was in inquisitions before this.”
“Did she succeed in stopping herself from going into the future?”
“She did, but instead of her vanishing and creating a stable timeline again she has carried on existing and it is causing a timewave that will end in a catastrophic time event that could cause all the dimensions to stop existing.”
The Time Backwater Anthology Page 3
