“Ok, you can tell them, seeing as there is already a traumatic time event happening.”
Danish 1 looked at Danish 2 and Lebil 2 who had covered their ears and started humming again.
“Oi, you two 2s.”
“What?” asked Danish 2.
“The Author said you can listen.”
“Really,” said Danish 2, so he and Lebil 2 listened.
“We are chasing a minor time criminal, Myxlbat, who has turned into a greater time criminal. Somehow, by working outside of our time and in the non-space of the precincts, he has created a traumatic time event that is eating up the timeline from the future to the past. We cannot go back to our Xanadu in our present so we have had to come to yours.”
“But that’s a bit nonsensical isn’t it?” queried Lebil 2, “Seeing as Xanadu exists at the end of time to be able to see all of time and be able to watch over the pure timeline.”
“I don’t know,” replied Danish 1, “maybe Xanadu exists in all time frames and we have managed to go back to an earlier timeframe.”
“Sounds dodgy to me,” said Lebil 2, “sounds like the Author is making it up as he goes along and having to change the time code rules to suit his story line.”
They all looked round expecting the Author to explain, but I didn’t.
“Ok,” said Danish 1, “let’s say that this is the case, Xanadu exists in all times down to the first Hoo marker. We have told you about Myxlbat and the traumatic time event. It doesn’t matter if you know because if it carries on everything will stop existing.”
“But how come we don’t remember that we came to us from the future?” asked Lebil 2.
“Maybe it has something to do with the timewave,” suggested Lebil 1.
“Ok then, let’s get on with the story. Let’s find Myxlbat,” said Danish 1.
“Let’s look at the time resolutions program in the main database, we should be able to plot his footprints based on changes in the timeline.”
All four of them went to consult the time resolutions program passing the desk sergeant on the way.
“Danish, Danish, Lebil, Lebil,” said the officer.
A few seconds later Grunkel and the rest of the gnomes as well as a few goblins and humans appeared.
“Hello, hello, hello,” said the desk sergeant just before they knocked him out.
The Time Backwater, The Time War 15
1645, June 14, was supposed to be when the battle of Naseby occurred, the author’s birthday, but, when Sid and Arthur popped into the horror dimension, things were a little different. The struggle in this England of horror was not between the Parliamentarians and the Royalists but Crusaders and Cabaliers. The Cabaliers had the upper hand because they were using all of the genetically created creatures they could find. Cabaliers cursed and killed Crusaders especially those who stood up for their faith. The King of the Cabaliers was Edmundo the 4th. His royal line was founded when his ancestors had travelled from the anti-matter/alternate universe with an army of witch mercenaries and displaced the eight wives of King Henry the 6th. King Henry, without his harem, quickly went down hill and capitulated, from the castle walls. For the last four years the witch king has been trying to exterminate those Christian leaders who he finds behind his own lines stirring up the local populace to reject witchcraft. The Timewarped Timelord stopped trying to keep the major events of the horror dimension in line with the real earth after he found he couldn’t stop the incursions from the anti-matter/alternate universe.
Sid and Arthur popped up at Eoforwic just as the Cabaliers were starting to set fire to a Christian leader in the marketplace.
“Great, a Christian burning, what a dilemma,” whispered Arthur.
“Can we stop it?” asked Sid.
“Is it worth it?” asked Arthur. “If we do stop it we may not be in time to follow Myxlbat’s time resonance signature and stop him destroying the whole of time.”
“I don’t care what you say,” replied Sid, “I’m not letting a fellow believer die by fire.”
“Sid!” called Arthur in vain.
“Yaargh!” cried Sid as he started to stun those monstrosities nearest to the bonfire.
Two half bears looked round, “Dwarf with magic pistol,” said one as he was stunned and began to fall.
“Take that you bear faced liar,” shouted Sid.
Arthur joined in and stunned two yetis dressed as Irishmen.
The local townspeople, who were mainly human and usually neutral, rose up against the Cabaliers and overcame the rest of the evil force.
Sid kicked the burning fagots away, got a bucket of water and doused the rest of the flames, “Sorry to rain on your parade.”
“Thank you!” exclaimed the Christian leader, “I knew my prayers would be answered.”
Arthur, who felt a little uneasy at the exuberance of the man who was obviously not Church of England said, “I am sure they were. Now you need to get back home.”
“I cannot, they have burned it down.”
One of the townspeople spoke up, “We will take him in.” The man covered the leader in a shawl and led him away.
Arthur nodded to Sid, “Now then Sid we need to find Myxlebat if we can.” They both twiddled their dials.
“I am reading no time displacement signature whatsoever,” said Sid.
“Me neither,” said Arthur.
“Well that means we’ve either lost him or he is still here and hasn’t made a time jump.”
“Great,” moaned Sid, “we’ll probably have to spend a night in the horror dimension!”
“We might not have another night,” warned Arthur. “Instead of us trying to chase Myxlbat, why do we not go back to an event where we know he will be and capture him as he turns up?”
“Good idea, but where and when?”
“1066?”
“No.”
“Alfred burning the cakes?”
“No.”
“My investiture as King of England?”
“That was such a great event nobody knows the year it happened.”
“The 490s?”
“See, even you don’t know.”
“I know where we can go, the first time marker.”
“That’s a good idea, where is it?”
“I don’t know, let’s just set our dials to the earliest time possible and hope we end up there.”
So they both did and they both vanished.
“Witchcraft,” said a townsperson as he saw them both vanish in front of his eyes.
The Time Backwater, The Time War 16
The two Lebils and Danishes were in the Xanadu library. “Main Computer, please call up the TR program,” asked Danish 1.
The main computer called up a 3 dimensional holographic program, it began to play. “IPP officers are your first defence in timeline and interdimensional offences…”
“Not the PR program, the TR program. Time Resolutions program?” huffed Danish 1.
“Sorry,” said the Main Computer, “I misheard you.”
“I’m guessing you did.”
The main computer called up the TR program.
“Look at that timewave!” cried Lebil 2, “it is eating a year a minute.”
“It can eat faster than the hot dog champion,” said Lebil 1.
“The hot dog champion eats time?” asked Lebil 2.
“No. I haven’t the time for this,” said Danish 1.
“Nobody has any more, another 10 minutes and this time will be overrun,” warned Danish 2.
“That doesn’t give us long,” said Danish 1, “so no messing about, no time puns, or chronology gags. This time we won’t just hit a 500 word short story limit we’ll stop existing.”
“Stop-watch the TR program,” joked Lebil 2.
The two Danishes and other Lebil just looked at him, but not for too long because they didn’t have the time to spare.
“Can you see Myxlbat’s time footprint?” asked a time conscious Danish 2.
“There a
re more dots to his errant time signature than a fast piece by Mozart,” said Lebil 1 quickly.
“I was going to say that,” said Lebil 2.
“Great minds think alike,” said Lebil 1.
“Or fools beg to differ,” said Danish 1.
“I was going to say that,” said Danish 2.
“Can we get on with it?” asked the Main Computer.
Both Lebils and Danishes stopped smiling. “We need to do something, we only have 9 minutes now,” said Lebil 1.
“What can we do in 9 minutes?” asked Danish 2.
“Coffee anyone?” said Danish 1.
“Not enough time,” said Danish 2.
“I know what paradoxed people feel like now when they are waiting for their paradox pills to wear off,” said Lebil 1.
“We need to go back to a time where we know Myxybat will be,” suggested Danish 1.
“1066 battle of Hastings?” thought Lebil 2.
“No, the Author did that joke in the previous section,” rebuked Danish 1.
“Let’s go back to the first Hoo marker!” chimed Danish and the two Lebils, so they did and stayed where they were.
The Time Backwater, the Time War 17
The first Hoo time marker was Xanadu, built aeons ago in the mists of time, a converted mountain rocket ship that now used the time singularity as an energy source. Over time more was added to it so that a bigger group of people could live on it, with accommodations, library, ablutions and entertainment facilities. Sid, Arthur, Lebil 1, Lebil 2, Danish 1 and Danish 2 arrived back at the founding moment of the marker. So did a lot of other people. In fact all those time travellers who knew that the timeline was in danger in the future travelled as far back into the past as far as they could get. The Timewarped Timelord was there just one hour after he had flicked the switch.
“Hello,” said Arthur to the Timewarped Timelord.
“Do I know you?” he asked.
“You will do in book 4 of the Arth Series.”
“So my time travel marker works then?”
“Where do you think all of these people are coming from?”
“Oh yes, that’s where they are coming from.”
“So you started off as an absent minded professor then, you didn’t just become one over time.”
“Oh my, oh my,” said the Timelord. “I need to remember the password for the bubble machine.”
“What’s a bubble machine?”
“If somebody comes through without using paradox pills it stops a catastrophic time event by creating a small bubble of time around the miscreants, a mini timewarp that can be dealt with at a later date.”
“A catastrophic time event has started already; we are chasing the culprit through time to try to stop it.”
“Oh dearie me, I’m not ready yet.”
Just then Myxlbat turned up.
“To be or not to be that is now the question,” he gibbered as he ran down the stairs to the next level. The two Lebils ran after him.
“The other level Lebils,” murmured Sid.
“Who is this strange little man?” asked the Timelord.
“This is Sid the dwarf,” said Arthur, “you need to read book one to find out why he’s called that.”
The Timelord looked a little confused, “I can’t remember the password for the time bubble machine. It sounded like paradox.”
“Pair of Docs?” suggested Arthur, “Doc Martin’s?”
“Chicken pox?” thought Sid.
“Hollyhocks?” mused Arthur.
“Well,” the Timelord said, “they are very good suggestions but it is none of those.”
“Para Jocks?” offered Sid, “Scotsmen with parachutes.”
“Fort Knox, red fox, cardboard box, pair of socks?” ran off Arthur.
“No,” replied the Timelord.
“Dr Cox?” declared Sid.
“Which one?” asked Arthur, “The British Scientist or the fake MD from Scrubs?”
“Never seen Scrubs,” repeated Sid. “Oi Author, I never repeated anything.”
“Sorry,” I apologised.
“Never seen Scrubs,” said Sid who now repeated what he had said before.
“How do you get anything done?” asked the Timelord of Arthur about the Author.
“Makes me wonder sometimes,” wondered Arthur.
“I know what it is,” said the Timelord, “paradox.”
“You said it sounded like paradox?” queried Sid.
“It does,” retorted the Timelord.
“Paradox doesn’t just sound like paradox, it is paradox,” replied Sid.
“That’s a very paradoxical statement,” noted Arthur.
Just then Myxlbat turned up again. This time the two Danishes ran after him.
“Double Danish surprise for the gnome,” joked Sid.
“Ooh, dear,” groaned the Timelord, “If that was the second Myxlbat then we could be at the beginning of the end of time.”
“Well just type the password in and start the bubble machine before it starts,” ordered Arthur.
“What was it again?” asked the Timelord.
“Paradox!” chorused Arthur and Sid.
“Oh yes,” agreed the Timelord as he typed the word paradox in on the small keypad attached to the bubble machine.
Just then, running up two sets of steps on either side of the room was a Myxlbat, one being chased by Lebils and the other by Danishes. The Two Myxlbats ran into each other and started a catastrophic time event. Or nearly, instead they were captured in a time bubble and became a two headed Myxlbat.
“Whew, just in time,” whewed the Timelord. “You turning up and reminding me of the password stopped the catastrophic time event.”
“How do you know?” inquired Arthur.
“Well, if you hadn’t, nothing would exist now.”
“Great,” greated Sid, “the whole of time existing or not is down to a befuddled old Hoo Timelord.”
“And you two,” said the Timelord as he got into his time machine and went to get timewarped the first time.
“One thing I don’t get,” thought Sid, “We stopped the timewave happening, so did this adventure really happen?”
“What adventure?” asked Arthur, as they were automatically redirected to the start of this story.
The Time Backwater, the Time War
EPILOGUE
“So what happened to all the time criminals that beamed onto Xanadu in part 14?”
“Oh, they disappeared soon after,” said the Author.
“What a waste of a dramatic event,” said Arthur “How about the girl who stuck the thing on the computer access point at Xanadu in part 4?”
“She was a future time criminal who went back to the 1990’s Xanadu then disappeared.”
“Another waste of a dramatic event,”
“How long do you expect the Time War series to be?”
“It could have been a bita longa,”
“So you’ve turned Italian now have you?”
“No, you are just typing spelling mistakes on purpose to make this bit funny.”
“Caught red handed.”
“Well what about all the other things that could have happened and they didn’t?”
“They didn’t.”
“You could have done a longer sequence with chronology jokes.”
“There was not enough time.”
“What happened to the Main Processor?”
“Everything was put right when Myxlbat got put in the bubble.”
“Was it a bubble like a Wispa or a bubble like an Aero?”
“Or for our American audience.”
“They have Aeroes in Canada. But you probably want me to say either Bubble Chocolate or, well that is it really, bubble chocolate. What a boringly descriptive name. Chocolate that has bubbles in it. I can’t think of any more bubbly chocolate.”
“No, I mean the bubbles are bigger, more like one of those giant plastic bubbles.”
“I bet you got th
e idea from the Boy in the Plastic Bubble. John Travolta?”
“No, I only just thought of the size and checked on Google to see what they were called. They seem to be called big plastic bubbles.”
“You didn’t look properly, they are called Zorb globe riders.”
“It is very disconcerting to have you living in my PC, commenting on all the stuff I write.”
“Not all the stuff.”
“Well nearly.”
“Well do you want it funny or boring.”
“It depends.”
“On what?”
“On what I can get away with.”
Go to my blog to find out where you can buy The Crying Pennant (The first in the Arth Series), The Sitting Duck (2nd) Up and Away (3rd), Ground Hog War (4th), The Detective One (5th), Romancing the Drone (6th) and A DaVinci Co-Ed (7th). https://stephenjennisonsmith.blogspot.com/
New flash fiction at
https://www.wattpad.com/user/StephenJennisonSmith
You can also follow me on Twitter where you will get links showing when new material is published. @SJennison_Smith
Email [email protected]
The Time Backwater Anthology Page 6
