by B Mitsoda
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True
I would have more friends if not for the FUCK YOU!
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The Butcher of Getty 5
The butcher of Getty 5 was a morose man and none could blame him; tasked with filleting species such as happilions and cutearians (creatures so adorable that they had invalidated Lanck’s Puppikittenduckling scale for Supreme Cuteness),their meat was as soma to the settlers of that world, but their squeals… only a cheerbaby stew could make the butcher forget.
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Der Frosch Nihilistisch
It wasn’t so much that Glen was out of ideas as much as he was out of dead frogs to dress up in tiny costumes and act out his nihilistic stage plays on his webcam at the public library.
See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil is His Name
It was criminal how much they paid lab assistants compared to marketing folk, which is why Jerry was selling me three-headed apes at such a good price.
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And Ten Cereal Box Tops
Priscilla could put her legs behind her head and she had only set Oscar back $300 plus shipping.
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Pignus
It was odd to Reuben the things that people pawned in the shop – tennis trophies, glass eyes, plastic food, Egyptian souvenirs, old sneakers, stuffed wildcats – everything and anything, and someday, hopefully he would be reclaimed too.
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Mary’s Blinding Smile
Just because nine out of ten dentists recommended it didn’t make me any more receptive to accompanying Mary to that hedonist resort, or visiting her dentist for that matter.
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I Don’t Have a Disorder, I Just Enjoy Compulsively Lying
“So, yeah, that Van Gogh I bought you was actually painted by my neighbor, and the foreign child we’ve been sponsoring is actually one of my illegitimate daughters, and the Swedish actress I set you up with was actually just a scratching post with spaghetti stapled to the top, but I really am an astronaut, and I wasn’t kidding when I said I was going to take you for a ride in my space shuttle one of these days – just drop me off here, I gotta go beat up a bunch of spies to get my griffin back.”
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First and Last Time with Gin
“God, I hate your friends, why do I have to ride in the back with them… where the hell are we and why I am dancing… did you know I’ve been in your neighbor’s apartment for like the last thirty minutes and all that guy’s been trying to do is get me to leave… oh, man I hate this fucking song and your boyfriend…no, I won’t stop shouting until you tell me why I’m upset on the couch and tell me a story…”
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Patches
Sick of people staring at the bald patch spreading down the back of his head, Ron finally decided to get a toupee, which prompted even more questions from the other galley slaves.
Kids are Nature’s Dipshits
Frankie’s mommy was going through meadowpause, which meant that she didn’t have anymore eggs, so now we eat breakfast at Freddie’s.
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Florence
Florence never knew when to leave and Italy resented her more all the time.
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Hawk’s Way
“You can call me Hawk – and let me tell you, when you come to Hawk, Hawk does things Hawk’s Way or Hawk doesn’t do anything, and by the expression on your face I can see that Hawk has made his point and Hawk is wondering was it the Hawk Wax or just the Hawk Hot Wash?”
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Detention for All
Outside, the news reporters, police, and diplomats were crowding around the alien craft that had landed in the soccer field of Crestfield Elementary after broadcasting a message of peace worldwide; inside, Kenny Worzenston fingered the handle of the Whizbang 3000 slingshot as a grin spread across one side of his chubby, freckled face.
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Eve of Disstruction
It was the eve of the first “yo momma” joke; completely unaware of the life-altering diss about to be dropped upon them, a carefree world went to its bed with your mom.
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The Powerful Beat of Humanity is Overwhelming
And as you read this, the hearts of humankind beat one hundred and twenty billion times.
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Blacula History Month
“My-report-is-about Cleavon Draculton who was the… the meanest blacula on Chicago’s West Side and whose favorite… favorite hobbies included scarin’ honkeys, drinking-the-blood-of-the-living, and riding around in his pimped out hearse with fine black sisters and Black Phantom of the Opera until he was crypt invaded by The Man and staked in 1978… he also wore a velvet-lined cape which is on display at the Smithsonian Blacula Museum in Washington D… D.C., the end.”
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Dictionaries Aren’t 100% Right, But Neither Are Wrong People
“The dictionary defines fondness as ‘a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person,’ which I think, admit it or not, describes your feelings for me, Rebecc- hey, there’s an entry for ‘fart’!”
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Who Ate My Circus Peanuts?
Andrea didn’t really like having a clown as a roommate, not with all the sexual tension.
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Frog-Eyed Savannah
A frog as a paddleboat captain – it was inconceivable, a phenomenon, actually, one so unbelievable that dry, Southern satirists were aboard in abundance selling yarns like it was fatback.
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Brad and Jenny’s Magical Adventures Vol. 6: The Tell-Tale Whale Tail
“Don’t worry, Brad and Jenny, just climb in my mouth and I can take you across the sea to your parents nestled in my belly!” exclaimed Bubbles, who amazingly knew how to talk but knew next to nothing about whale biology.
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Awkward
Mom recognized my new girlfriend from a movie, which replaced the silence and frequent sipping of wine with an even more uncomfortable conversation indulging my mother’s increasingly embarrassing questions about the adult film industry.
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I Once Ate an Entire Jar of Invention
Inspired by George Washington Carver, Washington Carvey had come up with dozens of uses for peanut butter; elephant repellent was not one of them.
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We Are All Proper Fudged
As a short story writer, how could I be expected to save the world when I could barely finish a senten
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T-Ball Trophy Full of Tears
“Team, I’m going to be square with you – even though you played a helluva game tonight, I’m afraid you won’t actually be getting a call from the dinosaur president.”
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Simply Because
I’m in the mood for love, but I guess I’ll have to settle for perogies.
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Web of Lies
It was as awkward a blind date as could be – he was an atheist, she was a giant spider.
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Weeds
The old cowboy shut-in next door was escorted out of his house by a social worker as the county health inspectors donned their masks and began rounding up the over 100 tumbleweeds he had been keeping inside.
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Hero Quest
Having completed the last boyfriend challenge, Wallace was presented the magical key to the sweater kitten preserve.
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Saving Face
The Komodo had torn a chunk out of Dr. Garrison’s left calf, meaning that he had only a few hours before he succumbed to the lizard’s bacteria and the beasts were upon him, so if he was going to change his ringtone, he had better do it before he lost motor control.
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Ray Blade
Ray Blade could swing a sword like nobody’s business, as most of the terror-stricken kids that he had chased around the neighborhood could attest.
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Friday Night at the Oak Street Lounge
"The old bar doesn't seem the same, and I guess I should've invited him, but dammit, someone had to say it - Steve just isn't as fun since he got shot."
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We Should All Be So Lucky
I met Marnie in the vodka aisle at the Pink Dot – I was picking something up for a bachelor party, she was an alcoholic; twenty months later, we’re on the run from a baron and life couldn’t be any sweeter.
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Parade Magazine Ad Enthusiast
“Gretchen, this is Hans, Hans – Gretchen; you two will be neighbors, so Gretchen, you should know that Hans is trying to catch a butterfly, and Hans, Gretchen intends on playing the violin in a rosy-cheeked band that will someday occupy the lower shelf.”
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Spatial Awareness
Hearing a sound like a loud pop, Donovan got out to change the tire, immediately remembering he was in a spacecraft.
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Notton Candy
Miss O’Grady’s ball of cat hair was the largest in the world – 7 meters to the nougat center in fact.
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Ask, Fix, He Ate Me
Some people get tired of the same old thing day in, day out, but what I wouldn’t do for some oxygen right now.
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Licker
Lily nicked the wallet that paid for our second date (at a four star hotel no less), so it was only right that I make things square and sell her ex’s face on icepacks, which I put off for a restraint fee out of the bastard’s stash – two calls later I had the money to take Lily on a third date, which went quite well thank you very much, even if that kid in her’s a bit of a kicker.
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Catty Rats, Mousy Pussies
Cats and mice had a long, storied enmity, though something told Russ that its history belonged to the victor.
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Vroom
The League of Valor accepted Ernie’s application with the professional courtesy one would expect renowned heroes to show, even if they were entirely sure they didn’t need anyone with a superpower that allowed them to talk to motorbikes.
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I Will Kill You with Kindness or a Pipe Wrench, Whichever I get My Hands on First
“Okay, Klondike, I warned you about mowing your lawn before seven like fifteen times now, and you’ve forced me, you’ve forced me to push the button on my Hyper-oscillating-paradox generator, which will force the universe to collapse upon itself in about a minute from now… morning, Mrs. Sweetbaum!”
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Chainmail Bikini
Being a heroine was tough, slutty work for Rosanna, especially since she had a man writing her and her volleyball team into their many sensuous baby oil adventures.
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We Rock
For the longest time we used the royal “we” and most people thought we were pompous, but then we won the King of 106 FM’s Oldies Trivia contest and they were all eating crow.
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The Prophecy Has Been Fulfilled
It was the same giraffe, the one from his dreams, and sure enough, the bastard had eleven items in the express lane.
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Magic Fish
Pomponius cast his line every day for fifty years before he finally caught a magic fish, but before he could wish for his youth back, he was hit by a fireball spell.
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Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One
Waking up to a face full of ex-model, a bladder heavy with last night’s finest black label whiskey, and a view of the sun rising over the mountains from his brand new pad, Big Liar was having the best morning of his life.
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Launch Morale
In his opinion, nobody was as disappointed by the canceled shuttle launch as Darren, who had stayed up most of the crisp night outside the launch site painting “GO SHUTLE” on the top of his Grand Am.
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Erasers with Racing Stripes
There was lots of thumping music, colored lights, day-glo posters and plastic animals, eventually resulting in Mr. Reed’s sixth grade class grasping the Teapot Dome scandal.
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Border Collie and the Infinite Sadness
Despite his boundless enthusiasm and sparkling, saucer-like eyes, the little collie was moved to the puppy clearance aisle, facing a red-tagged future of judgment by the thrifty and temporary affection of lonely children promised fresher pets when they were older.
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Subject Matters
“The Museum of Modern Art… that sounds like a trip down Boring Expressway, but I tell you what, sweetheart, you slap ‘erotic’ in there somewhere and we’ll call it a Wednesday afternoon.”
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Mad Things Lovers Say
We can sleep under a bucket on the beach by the bay, we can do it, you and I, we’re crabs.
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Ye Melanie and Despair!
It was a chore, Melanie thought, ignoring the paralyzing realization that all your accomplishments would mean little to the progress of the human race and that your friends and family would begin to forget about you within days of your last breath, though cable TV kind of helped.
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Your Neighbors
A smell described as a scentless confectioner’s grab bag of dog, curry, and chlorine rose off the lot and trampled over the property line azaleas like Huns into the senses of the community, as did the nightly broadcasts of a tinny aural collage of Spanish rap and polka turned up to cover the screaming and the hound on the brown lawn barking between gnaws on the couch that had been on the curb throughout the rainy season; your neighbors were starting to complain.
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Ultra-Clean
I remember the commercial for the cartoon scrubber suds that would glide across any surface scouring them clean, and now thanks to technology we actually have them, and still have hope that they will be contained by our forces.
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Jackass Inc.
Looking out at the jackass employees stinking up his boardroom, Rick realized that no matter how crazy and half-baked his ideas were they’d bray and eat them up, because he was the boss and they were donkeys.
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Dow Ry Me
My girlfriend’s parents appreciated my old-fashioned request for their daughter’s hand in marriage, though not so much my question for how many heads of cattle were coming my way.
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No One Believed Me Either
A slit of frosty light cut through the dark kitchen as the Midnight Ice Cream Monster messily devoured the last quart of double fudge chocolate chip and wiped his chin with a pajama top that he would shortly return to Jeffy before he settled into a long day’s nap underneath the boy’s bed.
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Generic Ramen Again
It was a shame that Tyrannosaurs were extinct and never wore pirate hats, as that was what Alan was good at drawing and the boardwalk was filled with much better caricaturists.
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Secret Agent
Troy Rexington considered himself among the world’s greatest spies, right up to the point his lawyer defined voyeurism for him.
