by Joss Wood
Judah pushed open the door to Darby’s bedroom, sighed at the mess—an unmade bed, a lilac bra on the floor, a trail of her clothes leading to the bathroom. Judah nudged open the door to the bathroom with his shoe and looked toward the massive claw-foot bathtub in the corner.
Woman and baby were a study in contrasts, light and dark, equally compelling, stunningly beautiful. The bath was filled to the brim with both water and bubbles and Darby leaned back, knees poking out. Jac was sitting on her stomach, scooping bubbles out of the water and trying to eat them.
Darby’s eyes were on the little girl, and through her smiles, he saw, possibly for the first time, her need to have her own child, the depth of her longing.
Yeah, he knew she feared the responsibility, that she was questioning whether she was on the right path, but he saw her desire to be a mommy, how much she wanted to be the center of a child’s universe. He’d understood, on an intellectual basis, why she’d had her eggs harvested, but only in this minute did he understand her soul-deep need for someone to call her Mom.
It utterly terrified him.
Yet, he wanted to give her a child, his child.
Not because he wanted to be a dad or because children were what he wanted, but because, for the first time in a long time, he valued someone else’s happiness above his own. Darby wanted children, her own children, and he would do anything in his power to give them to her.
The thought made beads of sweat break out on his forehead. Making a baby, making babies, with Darby was a hell of a big deal. It would be the biggest project of his life.
Judah wiped the moisture from his forehead, wishing he could fully embrace the life she craved, but he couldn’t imagine being fully responsible for another human or being invested in their welfare. He’d done that with Jake and looked how it had ended: Jake was a drug-addicted ex-con and Judah had no idea where his brother even was.
How he wished Darby didn’t have this need to procreate, that they could be a family of two. She was a talented architect, they worked well together, and he could see them traveling the world, designing buildings in foreign and exciting places. For the first time in his life, he could imagine settling down. He could imagine them buying a plot of land—maybe here in this community—and designing their perfect house. Jules would decorate it and they’d spend some of their time in Boston, the rest somewhere else, anywhere else.
They could be free, unencumbered.
But Darby wanted a baby and he wanted to be the guy who gave it to her.
But he knew if he did that, she would also insist he be a dad, be the dad. She wouldn’t allow him to half-ass anything. He would have to step up to the plate.
Could he do that, be that person, for her? To make her happy?
Hell, he would do anything to make her happy... He was in love with her...maybe.
God, he didn’t know what love felt like, but he thought about her all the time. He couldn’t get enough of her luscious body. Making her smile and laugh was his priority. He enjoyed talking to her. She was the only person who knew about his past and the impact it had on him. Over the course of two weeks, he’d found his best friend and his lover, had met the one person who was able to crack open his withered soul, climb inside and warm it up.
He didn’t want kids, but he’d have them.
For her.
With her.
Jac’s delighted squeal refocused his attention on the very pretty scene in the bathtub. Jac waved her hands in welcome and Darby tipped her head back to look at him, a sexy smile on her face.
“Hey.” She sat up, half turned and smiled slowly. “You look cold. And miserable.”
She had no idea. He needed to tell her that Jac was leaving, that he had to take her back. When Darby reconciled herself to Jac leaving, he’d tell her that he wanted to keep seeing her, that he was prepared to father her child, her children. That he’d do this, for her.
Darby frowned, looking to the window, and Judah followed her gaze. Snow was starting to fall and if he didn’t have the weight of his news on his shoulders, it would be a lovely scene. A naked Darby, snow, a big bath...
Judah glanced at his watch and realized it was Jac’s bedtime. Maybe he could put off the news until tomorrow. They could heat up the water in that bath and he could draw pictures on Darby’s skin with bubbles.
Darby snapped her fingers, pulling his gaze from her lovely breasts to her even lovelier face. “What’s going on, Judah?”
Judah walked over to the heated towel rack, pulled off a warm fluffy towel and reached for Jac. After nuzzling her cheek, inhaling her precious baby smell, he wrapped her in the towel and cradled her against his chest.
He looked down at Darby and smiled. “I’ll dress her and put her to bed.”
A small frown pulled Darby’s eyebrows together. “I left her bottle in a warmer on my bedside table. She should go down fast, she’s exhausted.”
Judah didn’t reply, he just bent down to place his lips against Darby’s. Through his touch, he tried to warn her, to comfort her, to reassure her that they would be okay, that he had a plan. He felt her hesitancy, her fear, and sighed against her lips.
He’d do anything not to hurt her. He’d do anything at all.
But, as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t give her Jac.
* * *
Judah half closed the door of Jules’s old room, allowing the light from the hallway to spill into the space where Jac was sleeping. Opening the door to Darby’s bedroom, the place where they’d loved and laughed, he sat on the edge of her bed and waited for her to come out of the bathroom.
This wasn’t a conversation he could have when she was naked.
Resting his forearms on his thighs, he stared down at the hardwood floor beneath his feet, conscious of a pounding headache behind his eyes. Emotional connections—this was why he’d avoided them.
“She’s going back, isn’t she?”
Judah looked up. Darby stood in the doorway, his sweatshirt hanging down to her thighs, her hair in a messy knot on top of her head. He immediately noticed the haunted look in her eyes, the wobbly lower lip.
He nodded. “Yeah.”
Darby’s arms wrapped around herself and her face paled. “When?”
“As soon as possible. I’ll charter a jet in the morning and we’ll leave as soon as we can.” Judah flexed his fist. Apart from walking away from Jake, this was going to be the hardest thing he’d ever done.
Why had he agreed to look after her, why hadn’t he insisted that Luca make another plan? Oh, because she was Judah’s niece, her father was a drug-addicted loser and there had been no one else. Darby had warned him, but he hadn’t thought he could become this attached, this soon. Sending Jac back was turning out to be insanely horrible for him and he knew Darby was as deeply affected.
Had he known how much she wanted children, he would never have asked her to become involved in Jac’s life. But by the time he found out, he couldn’t let Darby go.
He would never be able to let her go.
Judah stood up, walked over to her and skimmed his knuckle over her still-damp cheek. From her bath or from tears? He couldn’t tell.
“Are you okay?”
Darby lifted one shoulder. “It’s not as if we didn’t know this was going to happen.”
That wasn’t an answer. “Carla’s her mother, Darby, we can’t keep her.”
Darby sent him a sharp look. “I know that, Judah. I never expected to keep her, I’m not that much of a delusional idiot.”
She’s hurt, she’s upset, be gentle. “I don’t think you’re an idiot. I just know you’ve bonded with Jac and it has to hurt to let her go.” He kept his voice low and even. This situation was tough enough. He didn’t want to argue.
Darby pushed past him and walked around the bed to stand at her window, moving aside the drapes to look at the swiftly
falling snow. “You are acting like this is all about me, like I’m the only one who’ll be affected by her leaving. You’re going to miss her, too, Judah.”
Sure. But there was no point in dwelling on that.
Darby whirled around, her eyes enormous in her colorless face. “I know you watch her when she sleeps, Judah. I see how affectionate you are with her, the love you have for her.”
Judah rubbed the back of his neck. “She’s a cute kid and she is my niece, Darby.”
“She’s more than that and you know it! Why won’t you fight for her?” Darby demanded. “She has a useless mother, who is going to hand her off to a nanny as soon as you land. She’ll have everything she’ll ever want but she won’t have one damn thing she needs! She won’t have a parent to raise her, to teach her, to guide her.”
“So, you think I should just demand that Carla hand over custody to me?” Judah raised his voice. Was she nuts? That wasn’t how this worked.
“Yes,” Darby said, her voice fierce. “That’s exactly what I think you should do!”
Okay, she was upset, he’d known she would be. He gestured to the door. “Let’s go downstairs, light a fire, order pizza, have a glass of wine.”
“You want to eat?” Darby asked, incredulous.
Well, yeah. It had been a long, tough day. “Come downstairs, Darby.”
Darby turned back to the window. “I need some time alone, Judah.”
Judah walked over to her and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her into him. “I know this hurts, Darby. I know you love her. But this is the way it must be. We always knew this was going to happen.”
“And us? Is this the end of us, too?”
“I don’t want it to be,” Judah admitted. “We’re good together, Darby. We enjoy each other’s company, we have great sex, this...works.”
It worked? God, what was the point of his very expensive education if he couldn’t get the words out? It wasn’t difficult: I want you in my life. I need you. I love you.
They were just words, but the emotions behind them felt as big as a Montana sky, as deep as a Norwegian fjord.
What if she said no? What if she wasn’t feeling the same way? She loved Jac, he knew that, but did she love him? He didn’t know, couldn’t guess.
So he picked his way through this minefield of a conversation, wary to advance until he was sure of his position.
“We’re going to miss Jac, but in a week or two, when we start adjusting to life without her—” the pain would recede, they’d be okay “—we can start anew. One of my oldest clients has bought a plot of land in Arizona, deep in the heart of the desert, and he wants me to design a house that complements its surroundings. I’d like you to come with me.”
If nothing else, working, being creative, might distract them from the brown-eyed, rosy-cheeked smiler who would no longer be part of their lives.
“I have a business here, Judah. I can’t just leave on a whim.”
It would be a business trip, for both of them. He valued her opinion as a professional, he’d pay her as he would pay any other consultant. But now wasn’t the time to go into that, he’d broach the subject again when they weren’t feeling so raw.
“Let’s go downstairs, Darby. Curl up by the fire, have some wine.” And hopefully, that pizza. His stomach didn’t care that his heart was bleeding and his brain felt like it was about to explode.
Darby shook her head, lifting her hand to place it on the cold windowpane. Judah could feel her slipping further and further away from him, retreating behind that shield she erected to protect herself. He tightened his arms around her, trying to keep her anchored to him.
He wished she’d cry, scream, fight... She felt like a particularly brittle pane of glass in his arms.
“Darby, stay with me,” he implored.
She didn’t reply, and he buried his face in her neck, inhaling her scent. He hated to see her this hurt, couldn’t bear to watch this brave, strong independent woman’s heart breaking before his eyes. He’d do anything for her...
Even this.
“Darby, you can’t have Jac, but if you want a baby, I’ll give you one.”
Shock rippled through her, a mini-earthquake. Her laugh, when it came, was forced and her words laced with disbelief. “Sorry. I thought you said that you’d give me a baby.”
“I will.” He turned her around, cupped her face in his hands and bent his knees so he could look directly into her eyes. “Instead of choosing a sperm donor, take me. Let’s make a baby, together.”
Darby bit the inside of her lip, her eyes troubled. “Why?”
Judah placed a kiss on her forehead, then dropped his lips to her mouth. So sweet, so sexy. His.
He pulled back, resting his forehead against hers. “Because you want one, sweetheart. If you wanted the moon, I’d try to get it for you.”
* * *
It was such a huge offer, unbelievably generous and gut-wrenchingly sincere.
On top of hearing that Jac was leaving, this was too much. Darby felt too exposed, like she was a piece of faulty wiring, sparking intermittently. She wanted to say yes, she wanted to scream no, she wanted to run, to hide, to roll her life back six weeks to when she was just faced with the reasonably easy choice of becoming a single mother or not.
Judah, Jac—they’d complicated her life beyond measure. Saying no was impossible, saying yes was too easy. He’d offered her everything she wanted but nothing she needed.
She was beyond confused and maybe it was better that words had deserted her. She had no idea what to say, how to act.
So Darby did the only thing that came naturally, took the only action she could. Lifting herself to her toes, she touched her mouth against his, gently skimming her lips across his, imprinting the feel of his mouth on her brain. Hooking her arm around his neck, she plastered her body to his, sighing when his hand skimmed up and under her sweatshirt and finding the bare skin of her hip, banding his arm under her butt cheeks to jerk her into his body. She was off her feet now, her breasts pushed into his chest as his tongue slid into her mouth, setting her world ablaze.
This. This was what she understood. Judah touching her, loving her. This made sense.
This she could do.
Darby wrapped her legs around his waist, trusting him to hold her while she pulled the sweatshirt up and over her head, so that she was fully naked in his arms. Dropping the garment to the floor, she looked into his eyes, watching as the color went from dark blue to a shade of black. It was the color of midnight seas and dark nights full of sin and sex.
Their gazes clashed and held and beneath the lust and the desire, she saw a deeper emotion, something that scared her, beckoning her to surrender, to fall under his spell. Tempted but terrified, Darby dropped her gaze to his sexy mouth and touched her lips to the shallow dimple at the side of his cheek, feeling his stubble on her tender skin. He smelled like snow and cologne, temptation and terror. She could give this man her heart, hand it over, it would be so easy to do...
Take it, take me. Love me as I love you.
The words hovered on her tongue but she swallowed them down, knowing that once they were out they couldn’t be retrieved. No, she would speak with her mouth and hands, with her aching-for-his-touch body.
This she could have; this she could do.
Darby dropped her feet to the floor and stepped back, filling her fists with black cashmere and the fine white cotton of his collared shirt. She pulled the garments up his chest and Judah helped her by reaching back with one hand and tugging the shirt and sweater over his head in one fluid move.
Darby immediately put her hands on his chest, feelings his flat nipples under her palms. “You are so hot, Judah. I want you so much.”
Judah sucked in a breath, standing stock-still as she trailed her fingers over his ribs, across his ridged stomach, ruffling the hair
of his happy trail. Darby looked down and saw that his erection was tenting his pants, straining the fabric.
As if reading her mind, Judah lifted his hands to his belt buckle, but Darby shook her head, needing to do this, to love him right. Pushing his hands away, she put her fingers between the smooth skin of his abdomen and the band of his black pants, small, slight touches that brushed the tip of his cock, causing his breath to turn choppy.
She ignored, as best she could, his hand running down her hip and thigh, scooting closer and closer to her happy place. When his hand brushed her strip of hair, she pushed it away, not wanting to get distracted, to lose herself to pleasure.
Judah clenched his hands into fists but kept them at his sides, seeming to sense that this was the one area where she knew the right moves to make. She was angry and sad about Jac leaving, blown away by his offer to father her children, confused by what it all meant—but loving Judah, touching him, this she knew how to do.
Darby flicked open the snap on his pants, pushed her hands inside and pulled the fabric over his butt, down his hips. She looked down and there he was, straining upward, desperate for her touch.
Judah toed off his shoes and socks, kicked the garments away and just stood there, his eyes narrowed, his mouth taut.
Darby ran the tip of her finger down his shaft. “You are so damned beautiful, Judah. Everywhere.”
“Darby.”
Her name was a small word but he saturated it with need. Darby felt the moisture pool between her legs, stunned that she could be this turned on by just looking at Judah, from the briefest of touches.
She wrapped her hand around him, her other hand cupping his balls. She lifted her face. “Kiss me.”
Her demand was rough and insistent, and Judah didn’t hesitate. His mouth plundered hers, seeking and demanding everything she had. This was unlike any kiss they’d shared before, there was no finesse, no sophistication, just raw need. It was out of control, wild, perfectly passionate, hot, hungry.
