Maya was much slower than Jakob, though, panting and sweating from the moment we started running. I learned not to be impatient when I circled back for her and all she could do was put her hands on her knees for a few moments. Once, after I had Found Wally and come back to Show Maya, she was crying. A burst of frustration and helplessness swept over her, and tears came with it.
I stared at her, waiting for her to be ready. I knew she was sad, but I couldn’t comfort her now. We were Working. She knew it, too. She wiped her face quickly.
“Okay, Ellie. Show me!”
I took her to where Wally was sitting on a big rock by the stream. We all went back to a picnic table together, and Wally took cool, wet cans out of a plastic box and handed one to Maya. Maya put a little bowl down on the grass for me and filled it with water from a bottle. I slurped it up and lay down in the shade of the table.
I could feel Maya’s worry, and I put my head on her foot.
“We’re not good enough to get certified, are we?” Maya asked. I heard her put her elbows on the table and sigh.
“Ellie’s about the best dog I’ve ever seen,” Wally said, a little cautiously. He sounded nervous.
“No, I know it’s me. I’ve always been heavy.”
“What? No, I mean…” Wally was actually scared now. I sat up, wondering what the danger was this time.
“It’s okay. I’ve actually lost some weight. Like four pounds.”
“Really? That’s great! I m-m-ean, but you weren’t fat or anything,” Wally stammered. I smelled the sweat popping out on his forehead. “You, I don’t know, maybe go to the track, that would help, or something?”
“I do go to the track!”
“Right! Yes!” Wally was so anxious I whined a little. “Well, okay, I should go now.”
“I don’t know,” Maya went on sadly. “I didn’t realize there would be so much running. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. Maybe I should resign, let somebody take over who’s in better shape.”
“Hey, why don’t you talk to Belinda about this?” Wally said desperately.
Maya sighed and Wally, full of relief, got up and left. I lay back down next to Maya. Whatever horrible danger had been lurking seemed to have gone away.
The next day Maya and I didn’t Work. She put on some soft new shoes, grabbed my leash, and took me to a long road that ran along the sand next to that big pond, the ocean, where I had found the little girl named Charlotte.
Dogs were everywhere, but even though Maya didn’t give me any commands, I sensed that this was a new kind of Work. So I ignored their barking and dashing back and forth. Maya and I ran and ran together down that road, farther than we had ever run before. I sensed a new kind of determination in her. She kept going as the sun rose steadily in the sky, and I kept pace beside her.
It was the longest run we’d ever taken together. It went on and on until I felt Maya’s body fill up with pain and exhaustion. Then, at last, she turned back.
The return trip was just as determined. We stopped a few times, and Maya let me drink out of faucets set into the concrete next to very smelly buildings. Then Maya would start to run again. Each time she went a little slower, but she kept going.
At last the parking lot came into view ahead of us, and Maya slowed to a walk. “Oh my,” she whispered.
By the time we got to the truck, she was limping.
We were both panting pretty hard. Maya sat down on the back of the truck and drank half a bottle of water, then bent down to hang her head between her legs. Then she threw up the water she’d just drunk.
I came and put my head on Maya’s knee, sad that she was hurting so much. She was too tired to even lift a hand to stroke my head.
“You okay?” a young woman passing by asked. She was sweating from her run but breathing easily. Maya nodded without even looking up.
The next day we did Find again. Maya groaned as she eased herself out of the car and walked to the picnic table. I sat at her feet, waiting eagerly for the command.
Maya sighed. “Find, Ellie,” she said. Her voice was low and sad.
I leaped forward, sniffing the ground eagerly. I couldn’t smell Wally anywhere, but I caught Belinda’s trail easily. She’d walked over this ground not long ago at all. It would not be hard to Find her
I heard Maya groan, and I hesitated and looked back. Maya was walking as if every step hurt. And she was so slow! I ran forward, following Belinda’s trail under some trees. She’d forced her way between two bushes, leaving her scent all over the leaves. I followed. Then I stopped. I shoved my body back between the bushes and ran to Maya.
She looked down at me in surprise. “Ellie? Having trouble, girl? Find!”
No, I wasn’t the one having trouble. Maya was limping after me, determined, but she couldn’t go fast at all and I could tell from how she was walking how much her muscles hurt. I didn’t want to get too far ahead. She might not be able to catch up with me, and then how could I Show Belinda to her?
I trotted along the trail. It was hard to slow down. The trail was clear and I wanted to charge ahead, to Find Belinda as quickly as possible. But I kept my pace slow, so that Maya could keep up. I heard her push through the bushes behind me, and I dashed to her side, glanced up at her, and turned back to the trail on the ground.
Belinda had waded through a little stream and walked along it, but I found her easily on the other side and kept going. Maya plodded grimly through the water behind me. I dashed up a little hill and paused on the top to be sure Maya was following. When I was sure that she was, I ran ahead through a stand of tall grass, Belinda’s scent growing stronger with every step I took.
I burst out of the grass, and there Belinda was, stretched out under a tree. Her head was leaning back against the trunk. Her eyes were closed.
I ran back to Maya. She was making her way slowly up the hill. “Oh, Ellie, good,” she panted when she saw me. “Show me!”
I walked up the hill, keeping just a few feet ahead of Maya, glancing back over my shoulder often to be sure she was still with me. We pushed our way through the tall grass and Found Belinda, asleep under the tree.
Maya took a few deep breaths. “Good dog, you are such a good dog, Ellie,” she whispered to me, and she sniffed hard. Then she cleared her throat. Belinda woke up with a start. She glanced at her wrist and I felt a little shock of surprise come off her.
“Just … had an off day,” Maya said. Belinda nodded and smiled and got to her feet.
That night Maya went to take a bath while I stayed in the living room. Tinkerbell was, as usual, hiding from the world. Stella was in the bedroom, checking out my bed; I could tell from the smell that she’d even tried sleeping there while Maya and I were at Work.
“Ellie!” Maya called. “Ellie, come!”
Only her head was sticking up out of the water in the bathtub. I sniffed curiously at the warm bubbles and lapped up a little of the water, but it was terrible. I shook my head to chase the taste away.
Emmet sat on the bath mat, licking himself and waiting for something to happen that he could ignore.
Maya reached out a wet hand and stroked my head. “I’m sorry, Ellie.” Her voice was low and sad. “I’m just not good enough. I just can’t keep up with you in the field. You’re such a good dog. You need someone who can handle you.”
I wagged when I heard that I was a good dog. Usually people were happy when I was good. But Maya’s sadness did not change. She looked lonely, in the water all by herself. Would she be happier if I got into the tub with her?
I put my paws up onto the edge. Maya was already lying on the bottom, so she couldn’t sink, which made it look like a lot more fun than jumping into the fountain after Jakob or even splashing in the ocean. Emmet stopped licking himself and looked at me without any of the proper respect. I’m not sure he ever understood that I could eat him in two bites, if I wanted to. Just because I didn’t want to was no reason for him to get snooty about it.
Then he waltzed out of the room with
his tail in the air, as if he were daring me to chase him down and do something about the fact that this house had too many cats.
“Tomorrow, I have a surprise for you, Ellie,” Maya said.
Well, okay. I’d gone this far.…
I heaved my back legs up and splashed into the tub right on top of Maya, sinking down through the clouds of bubbles. Warm water sloshed over the edge and onto the bathroom floor.
“Ellie!” Maya burst into laughter, her delight blowing out the sadness like a candle.
12
A car ride! I bounced happily into the backseat as Maya got in the front.
We couldn’t be going to Work, because Maya was happy. Lately she was never happy about Work. Today there was a little buzz of excitement coming off her, and it made me excited, too. I stuck my nose out the window, drinking in the smells that rushed past, and my tail smacked the seat of the car as I wagged.
But it wasn’t until Maya stopped the car and opened the door that I realized where I was.
Jakob’s apartment!
I ran ahead of Maya, bounding up the stairs and barking at the door. I never would have done that when I lived with Jakob. But I was so happy that I couldn’t help myself. Jakob! I was going to see Jakob again!
I could smell him inside and hear him moving to the door. He opened it and I barreled into him, leaping and twisting joyfully. It had been so long since I’d seen him or smelled him or heard his voice!
“Ellie! How are you, girl? Sit!” he commanded.
I dropped my bottom onto the floor, but it didn’t want to stay there.
“Hi, Jakob,” Maya said from the doorway.
“Come on in, Maya,” he answered.
Jakob walked toward a chair, and I bounced up to walk with him. He moved more slowly than he used to, and he held on to the back of the chair as he eased himself into it.
I put my head on his knees. I would have climbed into his lap, even, just as I’d done with Maya in the tub. But I knew better. Jakob wouldn’t allow that, and anyway, I had a sense that I should be careful with him.
Maya and Jakob talked a little, the way people do. I pulled away from Jakob and began to sniff around the apartment. Not much had changed. My bed was gone, but my scent was still in the bedroom. It would be all right. I could sleep on the carpet or even on Jakob’s bed, if he wanted me to.
I trotted back out to be with Jakob, passing Maya on the way. She reached out her hand, with its smell of soap and sweet lotion and tasty food, to stroke my back as I went by.
That’s when it hit me—going back to Jakob would mean leaving Maya.
When Jakob had taken me away from my mother and my littermates, I hadn’t had a choice. When Maya had taken me from the kennel to her home, I hadn’t had a choice. I understood how it was. Dogs did not get to choose where they lived. People decided that.
But that didn’t stop me from feeling like something inside me was tearing in two.
Jakob was far better at Work than Maya. But Maya didn’t carry a dark core of sadness around with her all the time, the way that Jakob did. When Maya laughed, she was truly happy. When Maya hugged her little cousins and nieces and nephews at Mama’s house, joy rippled off of her in waves. And when Maya petted me and scratched behind my ears and called me a good dog, I felt the same kind of love from her that I used to feel from Georgia. It was something Jakob never allowed himself to feel.
On the other hand, Jakob didn’t have any cats.…
I knew what I should do with my life—I had to Find, Show, and save people. I had once done that with Jakob. Now I did it with Maya, too. But what was happening now? Would I stay here with Jakob? Would I go home with Maya? Who would I do my Work with?
I began to pace anxiously, back and forth.
“Do you need to go out?” Maya asked.
“No, when she needs to do that, she sits by the door,” Jakob said.
“Oh. Right. I’ve seen her do that,” Maya said. “I just leave my back door open a lot of the time, so, you know. She can come and go.”
They were silent for a little while. I didn’t feel like sitting still, even near Jakob. I moved into the kitchen. It wasn’t like Mama’s kitchen; the floor was perfectly clean, as it always was. Nothing tasty to be licked up. Too bad. It would have made me feel better.
“I heard you’re taking Disability,” Maya said.
“Yeah, well, I’ve been shot twice in the last five years; that’d be enough for anybody,” Jakob replied.
“You’ll be missed,” Maya said quietly.
“I’m not leaving town. I’m enrolled at UCLA. Full-time. I only have a year and a half left for my law degree.”
There was another silence. Maya was uncomfortable; I could tell. It used to happen a lot around Jakob, when people would try to talk with him. The words would get slower and slower and then stop, and the other person would sit there quietly, getting more and more anxious.
I came back into the living room and wandered around in a circle, restless. Jakob was staring at me. “So when are you up for certification?” he asked, as if he’d just noticed how quiet things had gotten.
I picked a spot on the floor halfway between the two of them and lay down with a sigh. I couldn’t figure out what these two humans were going to do. I couldn’t even figure out why they wanted to sit there and make words at each other if it wasn’t going to make either one of them happy.
I wasn’t happy, either.
“Two weeks, but…” Maya’s voice trailed off.
“But?” Jakob prompted her.
“I’m thinking of resigning from the program.” Maya’s words came out in a rush, as if she was afraid she’d stop talking if she let herself slow down. “I just can’t keep up. I didn’t realize … Well, someone else would probably be better.”
“You can’t do that,” Jakob said sharply.
I raised my head and looked at him, wondering why he was angry.
“You can’t keep switching handlers on a dog,” Jakob continued. “Ellie is the best dog anybody’s ever seen.”
I thumped my tail when I heard my name, but Jakob’s tone was still stern.
“You dump her like that, you could ruin her,” he told Maya. “Wally said the two of you have a real connection. I can see it, too. She’s bonded with you. She looks to you. You’re a team.”
“I’m just not cut out for it physically, Jakob.” Maya’s voice had tears in it but anger, too. I looked over a little anxiously at her. If they were both angry, I didn’t know who I should go to first. Should I comfort Maya? Should I move closer to Jakob and calm him down?
Maybe I had missed something in the kitchen. I could go back in there.…
“I’m not an ex-Marine like you,” Maya told Jakob. “I’m just a beat cop who can barely pass the physical every year. I’ve been trying, but it is just too hard.”
“Too hard.” Jakob glared at her until Maya shrugged and looked away. Her anger dissolved into shame.
Jakob was still angry, but Maya was sad. That helped me decide what to do. I heaved myself up and went over to her, nuzzling her hand.
“What about how hard it would be on Ellie?” Jakob asked. “Doesn’t that matter?”
“Of course it matters.”
“You’re saying you’re not willing to work.”
I could sense the hot tears inside Maya and how hard she was fighting them back. I shoved my nose under her hand again. She felt better when she petted me; I knew she did. I felt better, too.
Maya smiled, even though the smile was wobbly at the corners. She ran her hand through the fur on my head. “Oh, Ellie.”
She looked up at Jakob. “Of course Ellie matters to me, Jakob! How can you even say that? It’s her I’m thinking of. She deserves a handler who can keep up with her. I’m saying I’m not cut out for this. I don’t have what it takes inside.”
“What it takes. Inside.”
When Jakob spoke again, he wasn’t looking at Maya and his voice was quieter.
“W
hen I was shot the first time, my shoulder was so messed up, I had to learn to use it all over again. I went to physical therapy every day, and there was this little two-pound weight on a pulley, and that thing hurt … and my wife was in her final round of chemo. More than once, I wanted to give up. It was too hard.” Jakob turned his head and blinked at Maya. “But Susan was dying. And she never gave up, not until the very end. And if she could keep going, I knew I had to. Because it’s important. Because failure isn’t an option if success is just a matter of more effort.”
The same old dark pain swirled around inside Jakob like a storm, and the anger inside him was gone, as if blown away by a gust of wind. I left Maya’s side and came over to him, sitting at his feet, looking up into his face.
“I know it’s difficult, Maya,” he said, and his voice was rough. “Try harder.”
Jakob sagged in his chair, as if he was too tired to speak another word. And somehow I knew then that I wouldn’t be staying with Jakob. He just wasn’t interested in Find anymore.
Sadness was flowing through Maya, too, but she didn’t seem tired, the way Jakob did. She sat up straighter. She looked stronger. I remembered the strength in her that day she took me running by the ocean, how she went farther than she thought she ever could.
“Okay. You’re right,” she told Jakob.
Jakob came to the door with both of us and petted my head when we left. “Good-bye, Maya. Good-bye, Ellie. You’re a good girl,” he told me.
I licked his hand and smelled him one last time—the scent of his skin, his sweat, the dark pain that was inside him and the strength that was in him, too. Then I walked out of the building with Maya.
Jakob and Maya had decided my fate between them, and I was content. I was going to Work, and I was going to do it with Maya.
We were going to do it together.
A little while after we’d left Jakob’s apartment, Maya took me running up in the hills. We ran together; I kept my pace slow so that she could keep up. After a while, I heard her gasp, and then a thump as she fell.
I came back quickly and put my nose in her face, smelling the salt of her sweat. Her knees were bleeding, and I smelled the salt there, too, and the stinging pain.
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