by Kai Juniper
"Couldn't you just get a job?" I say. "I know it'd be a lot harder to make it on your own without any money, but it's not like it isn't possible. You can still get your freedom, even if you don't get the car."
"I know that now, but I wasn't even thinking about that a few weeks ago. My entire life I've had money. I couldn't imagine having nothing and trying to make it on my own. But being around you, I've realized I could do it. I could live with less and make it on my own without my father's money. I'll just have to put off college, or maybe I won't even go. I'll probably be in jail."
"I'm trying not to think about that," I mutter.
We sit in silence for a moment, listening to the clock on the wall tick.
"Anything else you want to know?" Briggs asks.
"I don't think so."
"What about the other thing?" Briggs says.
"I didn't think you'd tell me."
"It was part of the deal."
"It's fine. You don't have to tell me."
"You don't want to know?"
I feel him looking at me but keep my eyes facing forward. "Why you said you loved me? No."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want you telling me and then going back to hating me tomorrow. I can't do that, Briggs. You don't get to mess with my heart like that."
"That's not what I'm doing. I never wanted to hurt you, Ella. I thought treating you like that would keep you away from me, which would protect you from my father."
"But it didn't work."
"No."
The room gets silent again.
Briggs turns to me. "I love that you're strong. I love that you fight back. I love that you stand up to me. I love that you don't give a shit what people think of you at school. I love that you wear whatever you want, even when the other girls make fun of you. I love that you see the good in people, even in people who hurt you. I love that I can talk to you about shit that matters, and that you actually listen. I love that you understand me, and that you understand why it's hard for me to stand up to my father. I love that you forgive me for all the shit I've done to you. I could go on, but I think you get the point."
I turn to face him. "Briggs, you don't love me."
"I just listed off a million reasons why I do. Okay, maybe more like ten, but still, why isn't that enough?"
"Because they're just words, and words don't mean anything. You've said all the right words before, only to turn on me the next day. How do I know this time will be any different?"
"You don't." He takes my hand. "You just have to trust that what I'm telling you is true."
"I'm not sure that I can. I still don't know which Briggs is real. The one I see at school or the one who's here right now."
"Honestly, I think I'm a little of both. I just don't want people seeing this side of me, especially people at school." He pauses. "I'm not going to keep fighting you for valedictorian. I can't control what my father does, but I can control what I do, and I'm going to do what's right. The valedictorian title is yours. You earned it. You deserve it." He looks into my eyes. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Ella. If you decide you never want to talk to me again, I understand." He leans over and kisses me, a short kiss, but it's enough to send tingles through my body. He stands up. "Bye, Ella."
I watch him leave, then hear his car pulling out of the driveway.
I want to believe that Briggs loves me, but he's lied to me so many times that I don't know if what he said is really true.
Maybe I should let him be valedictorian. If I did, maybe his father would leave me alone, and maybe he'd stopped hurting Briggs. That alone is a reason to do this.
Chapter Twenty
Briggs
Sunday morning, I wake up wondering what the hell I was thinking spilling my guts to Ella yesterday. I told her shit I didn't want anyone to know. I even told her I love her. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I do love Ella, but I wasn't going to tell her. I needed more time to figure out if it was real or if these feelings I have for her are only because I've shared so much with her and let her see the side of myself I don't let anyone see. Actually, that's bullshit. I don't need to figure it out. I know it's real. I love Ella. But it was too soon to tell her. She doesn't trust me, and doesn't trust that anything I say is true. She thought I was just telling her another lie, which makes me regret saying it. But I can't take it back.
A text pops up on my phone from Ella. Can I come over?
It's almost noon. My dad went to the office at eight, but he didn't say when he'd be back.
Not now, I text back. Not sure when my dad's coming back.
My phone rings. It's Ella.
"Maybe we could meet somewhere," I tell her.
"It won't take long. And I'm kind of already here."
"Ella, what the hell?" I race out to the hallway and look out the window but don't see her truck. "Are you at the gate?"
"No, I used the code to get in. I parked in the gardener's shed so nobody would see my truck."
"My dad could be home any minute! You need to get out of here!"
"If your dad shows up, I'll hide. Briggs, I just need a minute to talk to you and then I'll go."
"Where are you?"
"Out back by the pool."
"I'll be there in a minute."
I hurry down the stairs and go out to the back patio. Ella is standing by the pool, staring at the water like she wants to get in.
"I'd invite you to swim if I knew my dad wasn't coming home," I say, going up to her.
She turns to me and smiles. "Hi."
"Hey." I smile back. I'm not sure what's going on here, but she doesn't seem angry at me and the look she's giving me is the flirty, playful look she used to give me when we were together. "What's going on? Why are you here?"
"I wanted to see you." Her face turns serious. "And tell you something."
"Go ahead."
"I thought a lot about what you said last night and I came to a decision."
"About what?"
"Being valedictorian." She pauses. "I'm going to let you have it."
"Ella, no. It's yours. You earned it. I'm not—"
"You're right. I earned it. But it's just a title, and after graduation, nobody will care who was valedictorian." She steps closer to me. "It's not worth it, Briggs. If I let you have this, your dad will leave me alone, and hopefully leave you alone too."
"He won't. Even if I'm valedictorian, he already knows you were ahead of me. He'll take his anger out on me no matter what happens. As for you, I don't know if doing this would make him leave you alone. When he gets his mind set on something, it's hard to change it."
"I'm not afraid of him," she says, sounding determined. "My dad's dating a cop. If your father tries anything, he'll have to deal with Susan and her friends on the police force."
I wasn't thinking about that, but it's true. If I told my dad that, would he back down? I don't think he would. He never thinks he'll get caught when he does something bad, and if he does, he just pays his lawyers to get him out of it.
"He'll at least give you the car," Ella says. "You said it's yours if you're valedictorian, right?"
"That's what he said, but he could change his mind. He could say the deal is off since I didn't actually get the grades to be valedictorian. Ella, I know I've been pushing you to do this, but now I don't even want it. I never did. I only did it to get my father to leave me alone and to make sure I got the car. But thinking about it now, my father was probably never going to give me the car. He probably just said he was, so I'd worked hard and get the grades I needed to be valedictorian."
I'm getting angry as I think about that. I really thought he'd give me the car, but I could totally see him going back on the offer, making up some excuse for why the deal is off. He doesn't want me having the car. He knows what's it worth and what I could do with the money if I sold it. If I'm broke, he can still control me. But what he doesn't realize is that I'd rather be broke than under his control.
A few months
ago, I didn't think I could survive without money. I've never had a job, never had to pay for expenses. I've lived a life of luxury for as long as I can remember. I couldn't even imagine having to struggle. But then I got to know Ella. If she can live with less, so can I. It'll be a huge change, but I'll adjust. I'll work my ass off to never have to come back to this house.
"Don't do it," I say. "Don't give up being valedictorian, at least not for me. If you're doing it to protect yourself from my father, then yeah, do it, but don't do it to protect me. My father's not going to change. He uses me to take out his anger, and he's angry all the fucking time. And forget about the car. He's not going to let me have it. I don't know why I ever believed he would."
"You really don't think he'll stop attacking you if I do this?"
"I guarantee he won't. He's pissed about the divorce and he's been really stressed about something at work. There are plenty of things that could set him off and make him come after me."
She grabs my arm, her eyes pleading with me. "You have to get out of this house. You can't stay here."
"I'm not leaving. I'm stuck here until I graduate."
"You have money saved up, right?"
"Yeah."
"So use it for a hotel, or rent a place for a few months."
"I can't live on my own. I'm not 18 until the end of April. My dad would find me and drag me back home."
Ella's eyes dart around, like her mind's working hard to figure out a solution.
"Ella." I wrap my hands around her face and lift it to mine. "Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself. You earned the valedictorian title and you should take it. I'll do what I can to protect you from my father."
"It may not even be an issue if we end up in jail," she says.
"I was thinking the same thing."
"When do you think it'll happen?"
"I think he's going to wait. I think it's part of his game. He likes seeing us agonize over this. I wouldn't be surprised if he waited a few more weeks, maybe longer."
Her shoulders fall. "I can't do this anymore. I just want this to be over. I don't want to go to jail, but waiting for it to happen is almost as bad."
"I know." I pull her into my arms. "I feel the same way. But there's nothing we can do."
"What is she doing here?" my father says.
I turn and see him coming out to the patio. When did he get home? I didn't hear the garage door open. Did he leave his car out front?
Ella yanks away from me. "We had to meet for our assignment."
"Briggs?" my father says, coming up to me. "Would you care to explain? I made it very clear you were not to have guests over."
"She had to tell me something," I say.
"While embracing you?" he huffs. "Stop pretending, Briggs. I am well aware of your relationship with this girl and why she is over here." My father looks at Ella. "Ms. Quinn, you are no longer welcome at this house. You have proven to be a distraction to my son at a time when he needs to be focusing on his future. I need you to leave." He looks back at me. "As for you, you will pay for disobeying me."
"Don't you dare touch him!" Ella yells, pushing in front of me.
"Ella, go," I say in a warning tone. She can't be talking that way to my father. He won't tolerate it.
"What are you implying?" He sneers at her. "That I harm my son?"
"Yes," Ella says, breathing hard as she stares back at him.
"She's leaving," I say, grabbing her hand and pulling her away from him.
"You can't stay with him," Ella says to me.
"And why is that?" My father steps up to Ella. "If you have something to say to me, just say it."
"Ella, don't," I say. "Just go."
She rips her hand from mine and looks up at my father. "I saw what you did to him. If you hit him again, I'll—"
My father slaps her across the face.
I push in front of her and punch him, my fist slamming into his jaw. "Don't you fucking touch her!"
He looks at me, his eyes filled with rage. "Do you realize what you've done?"
"I don't care what you do to me. You don't fucking touch her. Ever!"
"Leave," my father says to Ella. "Or I'll call the police."
"I'll call them myself and report you for assaulting your son," she says.
"How dare you!" He lunges at her, but I shove him back.
"I said don't touch her!" I yell.
He rubs his jaw, his eyes narrowed. "You will pay for this, Briggs. You think the other times were bad?" He laughs. "Just wait."
"You have to get out of here," Ella says to me.
This time I agree with her. If I stay here, there's a good chance my father will kill me. Even if that's not his intention, he'll lose control of his rage and might hit me so hard he'll kill me.
"Come on." I take Ella's hand and go around the pool through the gate to the gardener's shack. "Give me your keys."
"Why?" She takes them from her pocket and tosses them to me.
"Because I don't want you being the one running him over if he tries to stop us." I get in the truck and start the engine as Ella hurries to get in the passenger seat. I back up the truck, then whip it around and take off to the front of the house, down the long driveway to the gate.
As we wait for it to open, Ella looks back. "He's not following us."
"I didn't think he would. He needs time to figure out his next move."
I have no idea what that next move's going to be, but it's going to be bad. I not only disobeyed him, but I hit him. I punched my father. It felt fucking awesome, but now I'm going to have to deal with the fallout.
The gate opens and I drive through to the street, speeding down it past Ella's house.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"I don't know. I just need to get away from here." I keep driving, winding through the neighborhood streets.
"Fuck." I grip the steering wheel. "I can't believe I just did that."
"What? Leave?"
"Hit my father."
"He deserves it after everything he's done to you."
"I've just made it worse. If I go back there now, he'll—I don't even want to think about it."
"You're not going back."
I shake my head.
"Briggs." She reaches over and puts her hand on my arm. "You're not going back there. You can't."
"Where am I supposed to live?"
"You'll stay with me. At my house."
"Yeah, right. Your dad would love that."
"My dad would be okay with it if I asked."
"And what are you going to tell him? You can't tell him about my father. He'd kill you if you told anyone, and I'm not exaggerating." I glance at her. "He seriously might kill you."
She sits back and looks out the window. "I don't have to tell him why. If I tell him it's important to me, he'll let you stay. He trusts me enough to know I wouldn't ask unless it was an emergency."
"My dad will show up at your door, demanding I come home."
"We'll figure something out. But you can't go back there."
I look over at her. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Your face. Where he hit you. Does it hurt?"
She rubs her cheek. "It stings a little, but it's not bad."
"That bastard." I slam my fist on the steering wheel. "I can't believe he hit you."
"You should slow down," she says as I round a corner. "There are kids around here."
"And psycho loners," I say, glancing at Calvin as we pass him on the road.
"Hey, that's his house." She points to it, then looks back at him. "We should go talk to him."
"Why?"
"He looks sad."
"He always looks like that. Why the hell is he walking on the road? There's no shoulder. He could get hit."
She turns back to the front. "He asked me to prom."
"No shit?" I laugh. "What'd you tell him?"
"That I already have a date."
She has a date? What the hell
? I know we're technically not going out, but I didn't think she'd start dating someone else.
"Who is he?" I ask.
"It's not a he, it's a she. I'm going with Charlotte."
So she doesn't have someone else. I feel some relief knowing that. I know she's not mine, but I want her to be. I just don't know how to make that happen, given everything that's going on and the fact that she doesn't trust me.
"You don't want to go with a guy?" I ask.
"Nobody asked me, except Calvin, but I don't see him that way."
"What about me?"
She smiles. "I definitely see you that way."
"I meant prom."
"Would I go to prom with you?" She laughs. "I don't see that happening. If you and I went to prom, the whole school would pass out from shock."
"Yeah, you're right."
I'd take her if I could, but I'd have people giving me shit about it until the end of the year. And there's a chance they'd do something to Ella, thinking it was some kind of prank I was playing and wanting to take part in it.
"We'll be in jail anyway," she says. "We won't be going to prom."
"We don't know that."
"The text said he's going to the cops."
"Doesn't mean we'll get in trouble. Let's not talk about it. We've got enough shit going on."
Ella looks at her phone. "My dad texted. He just got home and wants to know where I am. What do I tell him?"
"Tell him you'll be home in a few minutes." I slow down and turn around, heading back to her house. "Why aren't you working today?"
"I told my dad I needed to study." She looks up from her phone. "I'm going to ask him if you can stay."
"I'll just go home. I can deal with my dad."
"No." She turns to me. "Briggs, he'll kill you. You at least need to give him time to cool off."
She's probably right, but there's no way her dad's letting me stay there. Maybe I could stay in my car tonight. I'm not going to Parker's or Finn's. I've had it with those fuckers. They don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. I guess I used to be like that too, but after the accident it changed. I couldn't just look out for myself. We're all in this together, but Parker and Finn don't see it that way. They just do their own thing, not caring how it affects Ella and me. Those guys aren't my friends. They just pretend to be so they can benefit from my popularity.
