I reached for her cheek, but she pushed my arm away.
“No, Landon. You don’t get to fix it with a kiss this time.” She shook her head, eyebrows scrunching together. “Just go”
I let her push me out the door and watched as the door slammed in my face.
Fucking wonderful.
Crashing the wedding and all of the pre-game festivities was surprisingly easy, at least from a logistical standpoint. There were enough guests that Dana had apparently decided to just let people come and go without any form of security. I’d been able to walk into the hotel without having to explain who I was or what I was doing, and I’d even found a hallway full of unclaimed rooms. Conveniently, there was even an agenda with dates and times of every event for the wedding waiting on my bed.
I was lurking in the outer edge of the rehearsal dinner while I sipped on a cocktail. All around, little pockets of friends were catching up and laughing. All I could do was scan the room obsessively for Andi, or the piece of shit I’d found in her room this morning. I’d settle for either of them, because it would at least let me know they weren’t together at the moment.
I wasn’t sure what I hoped to gain from being here. Closure? Forgiveness? Whatever it was, I doubted I was going to get it.
Yet I still wanted everything—including the things I absolutely knew I’d never have a chance to take again. I still wanted to watch her beg. I wanted to unravel her. To ruin her. Destroy every silky inch of her.
The grin I’d been wearing melted when I saw her walk in with the guy from this morning. They were dressed to impress—her in some pretty little dress that couldn’t hide the gorgeous body she had underneath, and him in a navy suit with a crisp white undershirt.
I straightened my tie and headed for them, shouldering past anyone who stood in my way.
Someone small got between me and them and I nearly ran them over. I was about to push her out of the way when I recognized her. “Bree?” I asked.
“Landon,” she said slowly. “You know, you look like you’re about to kill someone.”
“One or two someones, maybe,” I said, not looking away from Andi.
Bree followed my eyes and nodding knowingly. “Jealousy sucks. One time, I think I was like fourteen? I was dating my first real boyfriend and he was kind of a manwhore. So I just kept getting more and more jealous, like I thought I could stop him from being a slut by ordering him not to talk to anyone. Within a few weeks, I was literally having this conversation with him about why I didn’t think he needed friends if he had me. Yeah. Just saying, jealousy is a dangerous, slippery road.”
“I’m not fourteen. I’m also not jealous. I’m—” I took a long, deep breath. I’m being an idiot, is what I would’ve said if I was honest. I fucked up so badly that I don’t know what to do anymore, so I just showed up like a lost puppy hoping for one last morsel of attention it knows it doesn’t deserve.
Her eyebrows shot up. “You know,” she said softly. “She told us everything.”
I nodded.
“And she’d be an idiot to forgive you. Or trust you. Or even like you, after something like that.”
I nodded again.
“But you’re here.”
Just past Bree, I could see Andi laughing about something with the other guy.
Andi’s sister put a soft hand on my shoulder and gently led me to the side of the room. She looked up at me like she was the older and wiser one who was about to give me some much-needed advice. “Look. I’ve been rooting for you in this thing. But there is kind of a spectrum of screw ups. There’s, ‘oops, I left dinner in the oven too long and now we have to get takeout,’ on one end. On the other end, there’s, ‘by the way, your adoptive grandfather is actually my dad.’”
“I get it. I fucked up. Royally. And I’m supposed to give up because of it?” I shook my head, teeth clenched. “I can’t do that.”
“No. But when you screw up as much as you did, it takes more than just bull-headedly forcing yourself back into her life. Take a few seconds to breathe. Think about what you did. Ask yourself what you’d need to do to earn her forgiveness. Because I’m pretty sure acting like a jealous asshole isn’t going to cut it.”
I sighed. Bree was right. I hated to admit it, but she was. I’d been watching Andi and Tommy the whole time she was talking. I thought I’d do my best to be good to Andi if she gave me another chance. I’d take care of her and appreciate her. But I’d thought the same of women I’d dated in the past. Maybe the level of intensity had been entirely different, but I’d never entered into a relationship thinking I’d wind up growing cold and pushing them away.
What was to say I wouldn’t do the same to Andi? And now I’d be pulling her away from a guy who would probably treat her right—a guy who probably wasn’t so internally fucked up that he couldn’t stop himself from ruining good things when they came along.
“Is that your thinking face?” Bree asked. “Because you’re just kind of glaring off into the distance and I can’t tell if you’re still planning to murder Tommy.”
“You’re right,” I said. I reached down and ruffled her hair before leaving.
I had to remind myself a dozen times to not turn around and step between Andi and Tommy.
I needed to get out of there, and I needed to do it before I could change my mind. I knew what I had to do to start making this right. God knew if it’d be enough, but whether Andi forgave me or not, I wanted to be able to live with myself.
23
Andi
I had to admit I was surprised when Landon never showed his face again. The wedding had been yesterday, and I’d never quite shaken the sense that he was going to confidently appear at any moment and melt Tommy with a glare. I think the idea that Landon would swoop in and destroy everything had inadvertently turned into a safety net for me. I let things with Tommy keep going, simply because I kept assuming Landon would show up to end it.
I’d spent the night talking and laughing with Tommy. He had let me listen to some of his drumming, and we’d even created our first inside joke after a waiter tried to take my drink away because he thought I was underage. At the end of the night, he’d walked me back to my room and I knew he was waiting to know if I was going to let him come in or not. And when he’d leaned in for what could’ve been a kiss goodnight, I hugged him instead.
Tommy thanked me for a wonderful evening, smiled, and said he’d see me soon.
It was all shaping up to be so insanely simple. Like the kind of thing I’d been waiting around my whole life to happen. Boy comes into my life. Boy is nice. Boy and I get along. Next comes marriage and a baby carriage. Except there was a dark undercurrent to the fairy tale.
Before boy met girl, girl met Landon. And Landon planted a poisonous seed of hunger in girl—a seed that girl was apparently too stupid or weak to flush out of her system. No matter how much girl should’ve wanted to let this thing with boy happen, she couldn’t stop thinking about the dark prince who had tried to break her heart before she even gave it to him.
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror in my room, and I let out a bitter laugh. I was on a dream trip where I’d just been able to attend a beautiful wedding in an amazing venue. My room was spectacular, and a really nice guy had practically fallen into my lap. All of that, and none of it had been enough to get Landon off my mind.
There was a knock at my door.
I took a look at myself in the mirror. I tucked a loose lock of hair behind my ear and then checked my teeth. I hurried to the door, took a deep breath, and pulled it open.
“Hey,” Bree said. “Jeez. Don’t try to hide the fact that you’re disappointed to see me or anything.”
I laughed. “Sorry. I’m not. I was just—” I shook my head. I was just hoping you were Landon. That you’d come because you couldn’t bear the thought of me being with someone else. That maybe you’d rumble something possessive about how I was supposed to be yours and you wouldn’t stand for somebody else touching what bel
onged to you. “What’s up?” I asked as perkily as I could.
Bree leaned forward, making no secret of the fact that she was scanning my room for any extra guests. “Hmm…”
I put my hands on my hips. “It’s just me in here.”
“I see that.”
“Did you need something, or were you just being nosy?”
“Just being nosy!” Bree said cheerfully. She gave me a soft little punch on the shoulder, a wink, and then strolled off. She even tried to whistle, but my little sister had never been a whistler. It sounded more like an elderly man breathing squeakily through his nose.
She was up to something. It was either something she’d already done, or something she was about to do, but Bree was meddling. For all the great things about my little sister, one of her faults was her tendency to think her perceptiveness about people was an obligation to intervene. In her mind, she felt like she could see the bigger puzzle—and when two pieces appeared to fit together, she couldn’t help trying to make it happen.
I was packing my bags when Tommy stuck his head in the door. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey.”
“Catching your flight out today, right?”
“Yep,” I said.
An uncomfortable silence passed between us, so I let my palms flap against my thighs and pressed my lips together in an approximation of a smile.
“Yeah, this is kind of weird,” he said, echoing my thoughts. “I mean, I get it. We’re out of town and everybody just was looking for ways to enjoy the weekend. But I’d still like to see you again. Maybe just to figure out if there’s anything here.”
“You live in Pennsylvania. It’s a bit of a drive,” I said. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted at this point. Did I really want him to ask me about giving the long-distance thing a try? Did I want him to say he’d drive to New York every couple weekends to see me? Or was I trying to make excuses for him because I knew my heart was still foolishly stuck on the idea of Landon.
I didn’t know.
All I knew was the way Landon still swirled in my thoughts like a shadow. Even now, I could practically feel the way he spread across the room, making everything darker by comparison. Would it really be fair to step into a relationship when another man had that kind of hold on me?
“I’m gonna be honest,” Tommy said, laughing a little at himself. “I really like you, Andi. You don’t give a shit what people think. You’re funny. And you’re—” He gestured to me, clearly implying he liked the way I looked, too. “Point is, I’m willing to look a little pathetic and just ask, because I’ll be kicking myself if I don’t. Can I come see you sometime? I’ve got a cousin who lives in the Bronx, so I could stay with her and it wouldn’t have to be weird. We could get coffee, I don’t know. Just something?”
I smiled. It was a real smile, too. I was flattered, and it felt good to know a real guy—a normal, nice guy liked me enough to want to try to make this work. But I owed it to him to tell the truth. “There’s something I should’ve told you from the start.”
Tommy’s expression fell a little, but he nodded. “That other guy, right? Tall, dark, and asshole?”
I grinned. “That one. I’m not dating him or anything, but… It’s complicated, and it wouldn’t really be fair to you if I didn’t put that out there. Actually, he royally screwed up, and I was hoping I’d be able to put him behind me. But the truth is I’m still sort of hoping he’ll find a way to make me forgive him.”
“You have feelings for him?” Tommy asked.
“I don’t want to, but… yeah. I think I do.”
“I had an ex once. We dated three years before she cheated on me. But I still couldn’t get over her. Not all the way. So I didn’t date for like six months, and when I finally started dating again, it was a weight off my shoulders. I realized there were other people, you know? One can seem special, especially when you push everyone else away for them. But at the end of the day, there are more people out there. Nobody is worth holding your heart hostage.”
I set the clothes down I was about to stuff into my bag and looked at him. “That actually makes a lot of sense.”
He shrugged. “Personal experience, or something like that.”
“You know what? Sure. We can get coffee and hang out sometime. I can’t promise that…” I trailed off.
Tommy nodded. “Like I said. Been there. But I’m willing to give it a shot anyway.”
I smiled. It might have just been the sun creeping out from the clouds outside, but I thought the Landon-shaped shadow hanging over the room faded just a little.
I spent the plane ride home trying to make less of a mess out of everything that happened. Mentally, I’d pull one string, thinking it could untie the whole muddled knot of emotions. What if I just talk to him? Tell Landon it’s over to his face? Maybe I’m having trouble letting go because I never really cut things off? But it was no good. Nothing was going to end in a clear answer.
I was starting to wish I could just fold in on myself and disappear.
Hello melodramatic, it’s me, Andi. I was beginning to get well acquainted with emotional angst, and if it got any worse, the next logical step was carrying around a little composition book dotted with skulls where I wrote angry poems about love.
Dear Landon
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Onions stink,
But so do you.
The problem was that I also couldn’t stop wanting to put onions on everything I ate, even when cutting them made me cry and smelling them made me nauseous. Oh, and I was still inexplicably sexually attracted to those onions, no matter how mad they made me.
24
Landon
It didn’t take much digging to find out when Andi’s flight would return. It also wasn’t too hard to make sure I was in the hotel lobby during the rough window of time I expected she’d be coming back from the airport.
I knew it wasn’t the time to talk to her—after all, I still needed to make a call before I had that conversation with her. I waited in the corner of the lobby and watched as she came in about an hour later. I’d never felt relief like I felt when I saw she was alone. No Tommy. No phone glued to her ear as she chatted up her new boyfriend.
It wasn’t a guarantee that they hadn’t decided to take things a step further, but it at least let me hold onto hope that she’d left whatever they had back in Florida.
Once she’d headed up in the elevators, I pulled out my phone. With a muttered curse, I put it back in my pocket and headed outside for my car.
I found my mom where she usually was. I could hear her coughing before I even got up the stairs to our apartment. Inside, she was on the couch with a show playing on the TV.
I clicked the show off, then sat beside her.
“I know that look,” she said. She set down a cup of the tea she was always drinking and wrinkled her forehead at me. It was a look I’d seen dozens of times as a kid—when I’d come to her for advice or when she knew she’d have to explain something difficult to me.
“I’m going to give the club and the hotel to Andi.”
I braced myself for the look of disappointment. I knew my mom was too good a person to show it openly, but I expected a flicker of something to pass over her features. I stared hard but didn’t see anything.
“Okay,” she said calmly.
“Okay?” I asked, my voice raising slightly in anger. “It’s okay that I’m going to risk my mom’s life? That I’m handing over our best shot at getting the money to get you the proper treatment? And for what?” I asked. I’d stood up at some point, hands clenched at my side. I closed my eyes and let out a long breath, sitting back down.
“Love?” she asked. “For doing what you think is right?”
I shook my head. “One sided love, if that’s what it is.” I looked up and pointed at her, eyes narrowed when I saw the way she was smiling. “And I’m not saying it is love. Hell, I don’t even know how I’d know if it was.”
She gave a little shrug. “You’d know. And seeing you so ready to give up the club you’ve poured your heart into? I’d say that’s a decent sign, too.”
“Mom,” I said, almost pleadingly. “I need you to talk me out of this. Tell me you’ll fucking hate me for risking your health over a girl.”
“The only thing I’ll tell you is to watch your damn language.” She leaned back, then smiled after a brief pause. “If you told me you were going to rob someone to get the money to pay for my treatment, I wouldn’t want it, anyway. If your gut is telling you this girl deserves her inheritance, then you give it to her. I don’t care what my situation is. I only want your help if you can give it with a free conscience.”
I lowered my eyes, nodding to myself. I’d partly come to tell my mom, but I’d be lying if I hadn’t hoped she’d talk me out of it. If nothing else, that she’d tell me I was being an idiot.
I thanked her, gave her a hug, and headed back outside. This time, when I pulled out my phone, I made the call.
The next day, I went looking for Andi. I didn’t have to look for long, because I was only two steps into the lobby of The Wainwright when I heard a familiar voice.
Grant was laughing about something. I looked toward the sound and saw him standing beside Andi with his hand on the back of her chair. He was smiling and so was she.
I had my limits, and Grant talking to Andi was way beyond them. All the man did was seduce women. It was like his cock had him at constant gunpoint to provide a never-ending supply of pussy. And now he was talking to Andi.
My Andi.
It took considerable effort not to run or throw something. Instead, I walked slowly and deliberately toward the two of them.
“Grant,” I said.
He turned, saw me, and flashed a kind of terrified but crazy smile. “Oh, hey.”
“So, you’re still alive?” Andi asked. “I didn’t realize Tommy hit you so hard in Florida. I guess you had to fly back here to see a specialist, or something?”
The Golden Pecker Page 16
