And just like that, her heart shattered in her chest, breaking into a million small, jagged pieces, cutting her to shreds. Her vision swam as tears filled her eyes. Because it was clear: he didn’t.
“You know, I made a decision,” she said hoarsely, blinking hard. “To admit to myself that I was in love with you. Because I thought you were more important to me than being safe. That you were worth sacrificing everything for.” She took a shuddering breath. “I was right. You were worth it, Quinn Redmond, and you still are. But I was worth it too, don’t forget. I was worth sacrificing something for too, and if you can’t see that, then you weren’t the man I thought you were.”
Something flickered over his face and she thought it looked like pain. But then it was gone and there was nothing in his green eyes. Nothing at all. “Yeah, well, maybe the man you thought I was doesn’t exist.”
Of course he’d think that. Because he refused to let go the vision he had of himself, the vision his father had given him. And she couldn’t make him let go of that. He would have to come to that realization on his own — if he ever did.
And if he doesn’t?
Then she would go on the way she always had; alone.
“The man your father told you that you were doesn’t exist either,” she snapped, lifting her chin. “But that doesn’t seem to stop you from clinging to him.”
Quinn’s strong jaw hardened and he didn’t speak.
There was nothing else to say.
So Lily turned around and walked out, freezing what was left of her heart solid in her chest.
Sixteen
Quinn winced as he shifted in the booth seat in the bar of Lone Star. Three months since Jones had stabbed him and though the thing was mostly healed, he still got twinges now and then.
That was nothing, though, to the pain in his chest that refused to go away and that he refused to acknowledge, that had nothing to do with knives or guns or stabbings. But that was neither here nor there.
He’d been living with pain for most of his life after all and he could handle it.
Picking up the glass of water from the table, he sipped at it as he read through his emails, the last few things to clear up from the Jones situation.
Turned out Jones had been an opportunistic fucker, as he’d mentioned during their confrontation. He and Deborah had friends in common and after he’d gotten out of jail, he’d found out about her and her suspiciously green-eyed son. He’d decided that getting close to Jack was how his revenge was going to play out and had managed to work his way into being the kid’s stepdad. But he’d apparently gotten greedy. There had been rumors about Quinn and Lily flying around for months and so he’d investigated Duchess too, looking for leverage. He’d managed to track down some footage for sale on the dark web and he’d been apparently thrilled; killing two birds with one stone. He’d counted on staying anonymous as he’d taken first Duchess down and then turning his attention on Quinn.
Unluckily for him he hadn’t counted on the network the Redmonds had built up over the years. A network of people who both wanted to help them and maybe who were a little afraid of them too.
People who were willing to help Duchess out as well, no ignoring that.
Duchess…
The pain in his chest throbbed at the thought of her, but he continued to ignore it the way he’d been doing for months now.
She loves you and you turned her away.
Quinn narrowed his gaze at the laptop, almost shaking his head at the thought, because what else was he supposed to do? He’d decided he wasn’t going to take the road his father took, that he’d do things differently, and even though he’d gotten stabbed for his trouble, he still knew he’d made the right decision.
Just like he’d made the right decision sending Duchess away.
Lily. Say her name.
Pain tugged at him, deep and visceral, an ache that probably wouldn’t ever go away. Lily standing by his hospital bed with tears in her eyes. Lily telling him that she loved him…
Love. What had he ever done to deserve love? Not a single fucking thing. And especially not from her. He’d let down the people he cared about, his brothers, his son, and one day he’d let her down as well. And that wasn’t an if, that was a when. He’d done his damndest to fix the mistakes he’d made in the past, and he was determined that he wouldn’t make any more, and if that meant some short term pain for long term gain, then he’d just have to suck it up.
He would hurt her, fail her, one of these days and she might not see that, but he did. And so he’d do what was needed in order to protect her, even if that hurt.
There was movement and abruptly two men slid into the booth, one opposite him, the other beside him.
Quinn scowled at his brothers. “What the fuck do you want?”
They hadn’t spoken about what had happened to him, following the grand old Redmond tradition of not talking about shit, which he was more than happy with. They didn’t need to know about any of his decisions. About Lily or about how he’d decided not to be part of Jack’s life, because if he didn’t deserve Lily, he sure as hell didn’t deserve his son. Which meant Jack wouldn’t be in his uncles’ lives either and that was it. End of story.
Zane’s blue gaze watched him coolly, while Rush leaned a casual elbow on the table.
“You wanna tell him or shall I?” Rush asked, glancing at Zane.
“Duchess is leaving,” Zane said, his gaze squarely on Quinn’s. “She’s handing the business to Rose and is planning on moving up to LA. Something about a law degree.”
Shock hit him, a wave of ice water washing over his skin.
He hadn’t seen her since he’d gotten back from LA and that had been purposeful. She hadn’t seen him either, and neither of them had talked to anyone about their apparent break up.
Though ,of course everyone would be talking about it.
He’d gotten used to the idea that she was there ,though, not far away in her office in the central city. Catching skips and managing her team in her pencil skirts, heels, and perfect hair. All titanium strength and cool, regal beauty. And underneath, the passion and heat of the woman she truly was. The woman who’d told him that she loved him.
Quinn looked back down at his laptop, ignoring the shock and the sharp flare of pain. “I see.”
Rush’s hand came out and slammed down the lid of the laptop. “You fucking idiot,” he said impatiently. “What the fuck are you doing? Sitting around here brooding like a teenage bad boy? Jesus Christ, Quinn. Being a sulky, self-pitying motherfucker is my role, not yours.”
Tension crawled through him, every muscle in his body tightening. “Fuck off, Rush. I’m not going to tell you again.”
Rush just gave him his usual shit-eating grin. “Not happening, big bro. I’m staying right here. Feel free to go through me though, if you think you can.”
His temper, so short these days, leapt hot and furious, urging him to plant his fists in Rush’s stupid goddamn face. “What the fuck do you want?” he growled. “Whatever it is I’m not in the mood.”
“You haven’t been in the mood for the past three months,” Zane said coldly. “And quite frankly, Rush and I are sick of you prowling around like a bear with a sore head and swiping at everything that moves.”
Okay, sure, he’d been in a foul temper, but he’d been managing it. “How is that any different from normal?”
“Good point,” Rush allowed.
But Zane wasn’t having any of it. “It’s different because there’s a woman you hurt and hurt badly, and who’s moving away because of you.”
Something shuddered inside him, a deep, abiding pain.
You weren’t going to make any more mistakes, remember?
It wasn’t a mistake. He had done the right thing. “She told you that?”
“No,” Zane said. “She told Rose. Who told West. Who told me so I could tell you to pull your fucking head out of your ass.”
“You see,” Rush said, taking up his brother’
s thread. “We’ve all been there. We’ve all had the ‘why is love and it hurts and no I can’t do it and it’s better to remain alone forever’ bullshit. Zane and me and West. And we know how hard it is to finally acknowledge the way we feel.”
“Rush,” Quinn said warningly, his chest aching, the urge to punch his brother’s face in nearly overwhelming. “If you don’t shut the fuck up I’ll—”
“But you’re in love with Duchess, have been for months, and now it’s got beyond a joke,” Rush went on, completely ignoring him. “We thought you’d come to your senses ages ago but you haven’t and now you’re just being a tool.” The grin had disappeared off his face. “She’s hurting, you asshole. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s a woman in pain because some fucking dickhead thinks he’s doing her a favor by not going to her and making her feel better.”
Quinn’s nails dug into his palms, the tension at screaming point, the pain in his chest a burning ball of fire. “I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m still here. She could have come to see me at any—”
“You sent her away,” Zane interrupted. “That’s what she told Rose.”
“Yeah, I did.” Quinn glared at his youngest brother. “It’s for her own good, Zane. Jesus, you and Rush, of all people, should know why.”
“Uh no,” Rush said. “We don’t.”
“How about you tell us?” Zane’s gaze was unwavering. “Oh and you should know that neither Rush nor I are moving until you do.”
“It’s not relevant to any—”
“Fuck you,” Zane growled in a sudden and very uncharacteristic show of temper, his blue eyes glowing hot. “Fuck you and your secrets. Tell us what’s going on right now or I swear to God, there won’t be enough left of you for Rush to clean up later.”
The pain in Quinn’s chest radiated outward. He hadn’t been there for his little brother. He hadn’t been there for his middle brother, either. He hadn’t seen what their father was doing to them, because he was too busy thinking the sun shone out of the old man’s ass. Too busy trying to suck up, get his father’s approval.
Lily had told him that he couldn’t blame himself, that Joe had manipulated him, but what if that wasn’t true? What if he just hadn’t wanted to see? Because his father’s love was more important than protecting his little brothers?
Yeah, and what did you get for it?
Nothing. He’d gotten nothing. His father had preferred a fight to any words of encouragement and a bottle to just about anything else.
Quinn looked down at the tabletop and this time he couldn’t manage the pain that flooded through him. He hadn’t been there for his brothers and he’d been nothing but a tool to them since they’d arrived back at Lone Star, and yet despite all that, they were here for him. They had his back.
He lifted his head and looked at Zane and then at Rush.These two men had overcome their pasts and without him. They’d done more than he ever could and been braver, too.
Fuck, he was proud of them.
And he loved them. No matter what he told himself about failure, that didn’t stop the feeling that gripped him tight, that had brought him back to Texas after he’d gotten out of the Navy. That was the reason these two men were sitting here now.
“You want know my secrets?” he said gruffly. “Okay. I’ll tell you.”
And he did. Right from the beginning. About old Joe and how he’d wanted to be just like him. How the old man had nurtured Quinn’s anger and encouraged it. How Quinn hadn’t seen what their father was doing to his other sons because he was too busy trying to get the old fucker’s approval.
How that ate away at him. How he’d denied his own son because he hadn’t wanted to put that shit on Jack. And then the rest, Charlie, Rush taking the fall, Deb taking Jack away…
There was a silence after he’d finished, both brothers looking at him with varying degrees of shock but also with understanding. He hadn’t expected that.
“Quinn,” Rush said roughly at last. “You’re such a fucking idiot. Why didn’t you tell us all of this earlier?”
“Because I thought I was handling it,” he said. “Because you didn’t need to know.” The truth curdled inside him. “Because I wanted to fix how I failed you.”
“You didn’t fail us,” Zane said, leaning back against the seat. “Could anyone have had a decent childhood with fucking Joe Redmond as a father? I don’t think so. I mean, it’s amazing you didn’t just give up entirely and run the fuck away.”
His chest was so tight he could hardly breathe. “I considered it,” he said truthfully, because he had. “After Jack was born.”
“But you didn’t.” There was no judgement in Zane’s eyes. “You had your own shit going on, but you did what you could for us. You’ve been doing that your whole life.”
“How can you say that?” He didn’t know why his brother was so forgiving. He certainly wouldn’t have been. “You should be furious with me. And same with you, Rush. Especially after what happened with Charlie. It was my bullet that killed her, you know that right?”
His brothers glanced at each other. Then Zane said, “That happened a long time ago, Quinn. And yeah, it was shitty. For all of us. But, I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve moved on from that. We both have. ”
“I was pretty furious with you when I got out of prison,” Rush put in. “You know I was. But I’ve gained a bit of perspective since then.”
“Same.” Zane added. “The past is over. We can’t do anything about it. We can only acknowledge that it happened and move on.”
“Yeah, and that’s what I’m doing.” Quinn sat back in his seat, taking a deep breath. “I’m moving on.”
But Zane only stared at him. “Are you, though?”
Quinn scowled. “What do you mean?”
“You’re still spouting bullshit about failing us. And you’re still letting that get in the way of getting what you really want.”
What you really want…
He went very still, staring into his little brother’s blazing blue eyes. “I’m not,” he said, but it sounded weak, toothless.
“Yeah, you are,” Rush said. “You want Duchess and you know it. So what are you really scared of, Quinn? That you’re not worth taking a shot at happiness? That you don’t deserve it?” His usual grin was gone, nothing but bare honesty in his scarred face for once. “Because if you don’t deserve it, then neither do I. And neither does Zane.”
And Quinn had nothing to say to that, because how could he say his brothers didn’t deserve the happiness they’d found?
“I wouldn’t have met Iris if not for you,” Zane said quietly, a bright, fierce expression on his face. “I wouldn’t have come back to Texas if you hadn’t been here, and then I wouldn’t have had her and Jamie in my life.”
“And I wouldn’t have Ava,” Rush added. “I’d still be a self-pitying ex-con, drinking myself to death in a strip club somewhere.” His eyes were full of something Quinn couldn’t place. “You brought us here, you stupid dickhead. And because of you, we’re brothers again. We’re family. And we deserve every fucking good thing that comes our way.” Rush put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. Hard. “Duchess is one of those good things, Quinn. And if you let her go because of some dumb, misplaced sense of failure, then you’re a fucking idiot.”
Quinn’s jaw was so tight it ached. “Why would she want a Redmond asshole?”
“Sure, we’re drunks with mean tempers and a tendency towards violence,” Rush said, waving a hand. “But you’re forgetting one other trait that Redmonds have.”
Quinn stared at him. “What’s that?”
His brother smiled. “We can love a woman like no one else in this entire fucking world.”
Zane said nothing, but his gaze burned.
These two men had been through hell and they’d found the women that completed them. They’d found happiness and it was more than deserved, and for him to keep saying that he didn’t….Well, that was just an excuse.
He was afraid. And
not of failing Lily or not of not being able to protect her. He was afraid of loving her. Because loving someone hurt. Love tore your heart into shreds and left you with nothing. And he’d had his heart ripped from his chest so many times it was amazing there was anything left.
But there is.
And there was no denying the way he hurt now. All signs of the familiar agony that came with loving someone.
You can’t protect yourself. It’s happened already.
It had. He loved Lily, had loved her from the moment he’d first seen her, even though he’d tried his damndest to ignore it. And he loved his son.
He’d already lost so much time. He couldn’t afford to lose any more of it.
Quinn stared at his two brothers for one long second. Then he shoved his laptop away and surged to his feet.
“Got somewhere to be, big bro?” Rush asked, raising a brow.
But Quinn didn’t reply. There was only one thing on his mind as he headed straight for the exit.
Lily.
“I still think it’s a dumb idea,” Rose said, glaring at her sister from the opposite side of Lily’s desk. “Where are you going to live? How can you afford it?”
“I’ll be okay, Rose,” Lily said. “You know I always am.”
“You’re letting him get to you.” Rose was furious. “You’re letting him dictate to you in your own damn town.”
She could see Rose’s point, and maybe she was. But she couldn’t stay here any longer. Couldn’t spend anymore days feeling empty and hollow, like her heart had been ripped from her chest.
Couldn’t spend in more nights weeping into her pillow, longing for a man who couldn’t deal with his own feelings. They were tears of anger and frustration, because it was clear that she couldn’t help him. It was up to him to figure it out and plainly, he wasn’t going to.
Three months had passed and Quinn Redmond hadn’t spoken to her once.
Her team walked on eggshells around her and she knew it couldn’t go on. She didn’t want to be here any longer. There was another life out there for her, a life that maybe she’d put on hold for too long; her initial dreams of being a lawyer. Maybe it was time to start that now, get away from Austin and memories of Quinn, so close and yet so far.
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