by Jean M. Auel
“Are you hungry yet? You haven’t had anything to eat,” Marthona said.
“My stomach hurts,” Ayla said.
“I imagine it does,” Marthona said, looking away.
Ayla frowned. “Why should my stomach hurt?”
“You’re bleeding, Ayla. You probably have cramps, and more.”
“Bleeding? How can I be bleeding? I’ve missed three moontimes, I’m pregnant … Oh, no!” Ayla cried. “I’ve lost the baby, haven’t I?”
“I think so, Ayla. I’m not expert in those things, but every woman knows you can’t be pregnant and bleed at the same time, at least not as much as you have. You were bleeding when you came out, and a lot since then. I think it may take a while for you to regain your strength. I’m sorry, Ayla. I know you wanted this baby,” Marthona said.
“The Mother wanted her more,” Ayla said in a dry monotone of grief-stricken shock. She lay back down and stared up at the underside of the limestone overhang. She didn’t even realize when she fell asleep again.
The next time she woke, Ayla had a strong urge to pass water. It was obviously nighttime, dark, but several lamps were burning. She looked around and saw Marthona asleep on some cushions beside the bed platform. Wolf was beside the old woman with his head up, looking at her. He’s got two of us to worry and watch over now, she thought. She rolled to her side and pulled herself up again, sitting on the bed platform for a while before she tried to get up. She was stiff, and still sore and achy, but she felt stronger. Carefully, she eased herself to her feet. Wolf stood up, too. She signaled him down again, then took a step toward the night basket near the entrance.
She wished she had thought to take some changes of absorbent padding with her. She had been bleeding quite heavily. As she started back to her sleeping place, Marthona approached, bringing her a change.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Ayla said.
“You didn’t. Wolf did, but you should have. Would you like some water? I also have some stew, if you’re ready to eat,” Marthona said.
“Water would be nice, and maybe a little stew,” Ayla said, returning to the night basket to change to clean padding. Movement had eased her soreness.
“Where do you want to eat? In bed?” the woman asked as she limped to the cooking area. She, too, was stiff and sore. Her sleeping place and position had not been good for her arthritis.
“No, I’d rather sit at the table.” Ayla went into the cooking area and poured a little water into a small basin bowl, then rinsed her hands and using a small absorbent leather scrap wiped off her face. She was sure Marthona had cleaned her up a little, but she wanted to take a nice, refreshing swim with some soaproot. Maybe in the morning, she thought.
The stew was cold, but tasty. Ayla thought she’d be able to eat several bowls of it when she took the first few bites, but she filled up sooner than she thought. Marthona made them both some hot tea and joined Ayla at the table. Wolf slipped outside while the two women were up, but was back before very long.
“Did you say Zelandoni expected that I would do something?” Ayla asked.
“She didn’t really expect it. She just thought it was possible.”
“What did she expect? I don’t really understand what happened,” Ayla said.
“I think Zelandoni could tell you better. I wish she was here, but I think you are Zelandoni now. I think you were ‘called,’ as they say. Do you remember anything?” Marthona asked.
“I remember things, and then all of a sudden, I remember something else, but I can’t seem to sort it out,” Ayla said, frowning.
“I wouldn’t worry about it yet. Wait until you have a chance to talk to Zelandoni. I’m sure she’ll be able to explain things and help you. Right now, you just need to get your strength back,” Marthona said.
“You’re probably right,” Ayla said, relieved to have an excuse to put off dealing with the whole thing. She didn’t even want to think about it, though she couldn’t help remembering the baby she had lost. Why did the Mother want to take her baby?
Ayla did little except sleep for several days, then one day she woke up feeling starved, and couldn’t seem to get enough to eat for the next couple of days. When she finally emerged from her dwelling and joined the small group, they all looked at her with new respect, even awe, and a touch of apprehension. They knew she had been through an ordeal, which they were convinced had changed her. And they all felt a certain pride because they were there when it happened, and by association, they felt that they were somehow a part of it.
“How are you feeling?” Jeviva asked.
“Much better,” Ayla said, “but hungry!”
“Come and join us. There is plenty of food and it’s still warm,” Jeviva said.
“I think I will.” She sat down beside Jeralda, while Jeviva prepared a dish for her. “And how are you feeling?”
“Bored!” Jeralda said. “I’m so tired of sitting and lying around. I wish it was time for this baby to come.”
“I think it is probably time for the baby to come. It wouldn’t hurt if you took a walk now and then to encourage it. It’s just a matter of waiting until the baby feels ready. I thought so the last time I examined you,” Ayla said, “but I thought I’d wait before I said anything, and then I got distracted. I’m sorry.”
That evening Marthona mentioned, with some hesitation, “I hope I didn’t do anything wrong, Ayla.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Zelandoni told me that if you did leave, not to try to stop you. When you didn’t come back that morning, I was terribly worried, but Wolf was worse. You had told him to stay with me, but he was whining and wanting to go. Just the way he was looking at me, I could tell he wanted to go and look for you. I didn’t want him to disturb anything, so I tied a rope around his neck, the way you would do sometimes when you wanted him to stay and not interrupt. But after a few days, he was so miserable, and I was so worried, I untied him. He raced out of here. Was I wrong to let him go?” the woman asked.
“No, I don’t think so, Marthona,” Ayla said. “I don’t know if I was in a spirit world, but if I was and he found me there, I think I was already returning. Wolf helped me find my way out of the cave—at least he gave me the sense that I was going in the right direction. It was dark in there, but the passages are narrow, and I kept close to the wall. I think I might have been able to find my way out anyway, but it would have taken longer.”
“I’m not sure if I should have tied him up in the first place. I don’t know if it was my place to make that decision—I know I’m getting old, Ayla, when I can’t even make a decision anymore.” The former leader shook her head, looking disgusted with herself. “Things of the spirit world were never my strength. You were so weak when you got here, maybe She thought you needed a helper. Perhaps the Mother wanted me to let that animal go so he could find you and help you.”
“I don’t think anything you did was wrong. Things tend to happen the way She wants,” Ayla said. “Right now, what I want is to go down to The River and take a long swim, and then have a good washing. Do you know if Zelandoni left behind any of that Losadunai cleansing foam? The one I showed her how to make from fat and ashes? She likes to use it for purifying, especially to clean the hands of grave-diggers.”
“I don’t know about Zelandoni, but I have some,” Marthona said. “I like to use it on weavings, sometimes. I have even used it on some of my platters, the ones I use for meat and to collect clean fat. Can you use it for bathing, too?”
“The Losadunai did sometimes. It can be harsh and make your skin red. Usually I prefer to use soaproot, or some other plant, but right now, I just want to be clean,” Ayla said.
“If only there was a well of Doni’s healing hot waters nearby,” Ayla said to herself as she headed toward The River with Wolf at her side, “it would be perfect, but The River will do for now.” The wolf looked up at her at the sound of her voice. He had stayed close to her, not wanting to let her out of his sight since her return.<
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The hot sun felt good as she walked down the path toward the swimming place. She lathered all over, and washed her hair, then ducked under to rinse well and went for a long swim. She climbed up and rested on a flat rock to let the sun dry her while she combed her hair. The sun feels so good, she thought, spreading out her drying buckskin and lying on top of it. When was the first time I lay down on this rock? It was my first day here, when Jondalar and I went swimming.
She thought of Jondalar, in her mind’s eye seeing him lying naked beside her. His yellow hair and darker beard … no, it’s summer. He’d be clean shaven. His broad, high forehead beginning to show the lines caused by his habit of knotting it in concentration or concern. His vivid blue eyes looking at her with love and desire—Jonayla has his eyes. His straight fine nose and strong jaw with a full, sensuous mouth.
Her thoughts lingered on his mouth, almost feeling it. His broad shoulders, muscular arms, large, sensitive hands. Hands that could feel a piece of flint and know how it would fracture, or could caress her body with such perception that he would know how she would react. His long, strong legs, the scar on his groin from his encounter with her lion, Baby, and nearby, his manhood.
She was feeling her desire for him build just thinking about him. She wanted to see him, to be near him. She hadn’t even told him she had been expecting a baby; now she didn’t have a baby to tell him about anymore. She felt a wave of grief. I wanted the baby, but the Mother wanted it more, she thought, frowning. She knew I wanted another baby, but I don’t think the Mother would have wanted a baby that I didn’t want.
For the first time since her ordeal, she began to think about the Mother’s Song, and with a chill of recognition, remembered the verse, the new verse, the one that brought the new Gift, the Gift of Knowledge, the knowledge that men were necessary for new life to start.
Her last Gift, the Knowledge that man has his part.
His need must be spent before new life can start.
It honors the Mother when the couple is paired,
Because woman conceives when Pleasures are shared.
Earth’s Children were blessed. The Mother could rest.
I’ve known it for a long time. Now She has told me it is true. Why did She give me this Gift? So I could share it, so I could tell the others? That’s why She wanted my baby! She told me first, told me Her last great Gift, but I had to be worthy. The cost was high, but maybe it had to be. Perhaps the Mother had to take something of great value so I would know that I had to appreciate the Gift. Gifts are not given without something of great value given back.
Have I been called? Am I Zelandoni now? Because I made the sacrifice of my baby, the Great Mother spoke to me, and gave me the rest of the Mother’s Song, so I could share it, and bring this wonderful Gift to Her Children. Now Jondalar will know for certain that Jonayla is his as much as she is mine. And we’ll know how to start a new baby when we want one. Now all men will know that it is more than spirits—it is him, his essence; his children are a part of him.
But what if a woman doesn’t want another child? Or shouldn’t have another one because she’s too weak, or exhausted from having too many? Then she will know how to stop it! Now a woman will know how not to have a child if she is not ready, or doesn’t want one. She doesn’t have to ask the Mother, she won’t have to take any special medicine, she will just have to stop sharing Pleasures and she won’t have any more children. For the first time, a woman can be in control of her own body, her own life. This is very powerful knowledge … but there is another side. What about the man?
What if he doesn’t want to stop sharing Pleasures? Or what if he wants a child that he knows comes from him? Or what if he doesn’t want a child?
I want another baby, and I know Jondalar would want another baby, too. He’s so good with Jonayla, and he’s so good with the youngsters who are learning to knap flint, his apprentices. I’m sorry I lost this baby. Tears came to her eyes as she thought about the baby she miscarried. But I can have another one. If only Jondalar were here, we could begin to start another one now, but he’s at the Summer Meeting. I can’t even tell him about losing the baby if I’m here and he’s at the Summer Meeting. He would feel bad, I know he would. He would want to start another one.
Why don’t I go? I don’t have to watch the sky anymore. I don’t have to stay up late; my training is over. I have been “called.” I am Zelandoni! And I need to tell the rest of the zelandonia. The Mother not only called me, She gave me a great Gift. A Gift for everyone. I need to go so I can tell all the Zelandonii about the Mother’s wonderful new Gift. And so I can tell Jondalar, and maybe start another baby.
31
Ayla quickly got up from the rock, put on her clean clothes, gathered up her soiled ones and the drying skin, and whistled to Wolf as she hurried back along the path. As she walked up to the stone front porch of the shelter, she remembered her first swim with Jondalar, and then Marona and her friends offering to give her some new clothes.
Though Ayla had developed varying levels of tolerance toward the other women who were involved in the trick, she never got over her aversion to Marona, and avoided contact with her. The feeling was more than mutual. Marona had never made any effort to reconcile with the woman Jondalar brought home with him from his Journey. She had mated for a second time the same summer that Ayla and Jondalar did, but at the Second Matrimonial, and once again more recently. That mating had apparently not worked out, either; she had moved back to the Ninth Cave to stay with her cousin a year or so before. But for all her matings, she had no children.
Ayla couldn’t abide the woman, and didn’t know why she should be thinking of her. She shook off thoughts of Marona and concentrated on Jondalar. I’m so glad to finally be going to the Summer Meeting, she thought. I can ride Whinney, and it won’t take long at all to get there, no more than a day, if I don’t stop along the way.
The Summer Meeting was being held this year about twenty miles to the north along The River, at her favorite place for a Meeting. It was the same location as the first Zelandonii Summer Meeting she had ever gone to, and the one where she and Jondalar were mated. Such Meetings usually used up nearly all the resources around the area, but if enough time was allowed to pass, Mother Earth healed the place from the misuse caused by the large concentration of people and it was refreshed enough to host them again.
The young woman burst into her dwelling, full of vigor and enthusiasm, and began sorting through her clothes and possessions. She was humming her usual monotone under her breath when Marthona came in.
“You’re suddenly full of excitement,” the older woman said.
“I’m going to the Summer Meeting. I don’t have to watch the sky anymore. I’m through with my training. There is no reason I can’t go,” Ayla said.
“Are you sure you’re strong enough?” There was a note of regret in Marthona’s voice.
“You’ve taken good care of me. I’m feeling fine, and I really want to see Jondalar, and Jonayla.”
“I miss them too, but it’s a long way to go alone. I thought you might wait until the next hunter comes to take a turn helping us. Then you could go back with Forason,” Marthona suggested.
“I’m going to ride Whinney. It won’t take long. I can probably get there in a day. Two at the most,” Ayla said.
“Yes, you’re probably right. I’d forgotten that you would be taking your horse, and Wolf, too,” Marthona said.
Ayla noticed Marthona’s disappointment, and suddenly realized how much the woman would like to go, and she was still concerned about her health. “How are you feeling? I don’t want to leave if you are not well.”
“No, don’t stay on my behalf,” Marthona said. “I’m much better. If I had felt this good at the beginning of the season, I might have considered going.”
“Why don’t you come with me? You could sit on Whinney’s back. It might take a little longer, but only another day or so,” Ayla said.
“No. I like the horse we
ll enough, but I don’t want to sit on her back. To be honest, it frightens me a little. You are right, though, you need to go. You need to tell Zelandoni that you were ‘called.’ Imagine what a surprise it will be.”
“There’s not much summer left anyway. Everyone will be coming back before long,” Ayla said, trying to ease the separation.
“I feel two ways about that,” Marthona said. “I’m anxious for the Summer Meeting to be over and for the Ninth Cave to come back, but I’m not looking forward to the return of winter. I suppose it’s always that way when a person gets old.”
Ayla’s next step in preparing to leave was to look for Lorigan and Forason. She knew exactly where to find Jonclotan, with Jeralda. Almost everyone was sitting around the community fireplace, finishing up a meal.
“Ayla, come join us,” Jeralda called. “Have something to eat. There is plenty left and it’s still warm.”
“I think I will. I’ve been so hungry the last few days,” Ayla said.
“I can understand why,” Jeviva said. “How do you feel?”
“Much more rested,” Ayla said, then smiled. “I’ve decided that I’m going to go to the Summer Meeting soon. I’ve finished my sky watching, so there is no reason for me to stay, but I thought we ought to go hunting once more before I leave, both for those who are here, and for something to take with me to the Meeting. The animals around the Meeting Camp are likely to be almost gone, and those that haven’t been killed are probably avoiding the area.”
“You aren’t going to leave before my baby comes, are you?” Jeralda said.
“If you don’t have it in the next few days,” Ayla said. “Though I would like to stay and see that nice healthy baby born. Have you been walking?”
“Yes, I have, but I was so looking forward to you being here to help me.”
“Your mother is here, and several other women who know about babies, not to mention Jonclotan. I don’t think you’ll have any problems, Jeralda,” Ayla said. Then she looked at the three hunters. “Would you like to go hunting with me tomorrow morning?”
