by Smyth, R. A
We turn away, leaving the bedroom and making our way back down the stairs as the flames consume the bed, racing across the carpet as smoke lingers in the air, replacing the oxygen.
By the time we drive through the gates, flames are licking up the side of the house, and it won’t be long before someone notices them and calls the fire department.
We pull over to the side of the road about a mile away from the house. I follow Aiden out of the car and into the forest, trekking through the undergrowth for another mile or two before we finally stop in a small clearing. Bending down, he gathers together some twigs and leaves, lifting out his lighter, once again starting a small fire.
Once it’s going strong, I crouch down beside him, adding Sophie’s underwear to the fire, piece by piece, until it’s nothing but scorched remains. There’s nothing left to tie her to that house, no one left who could place her there.
We both stare at the flames until the sun is low in the sky and the fire has died down to a small spark. Despite my reluctance to come today, the whole process has been more cathartic than I expected. While I haven’t been able to exorcise my demons in my normal way—with fists and bloodshed—seeing where Sophie was held captive and what she did to Kurt, seeing how fucking strong she is, and knowing our actions today have protected her and kept her safe from any future backlash has calmed the restlessness inside of me. When the last of the adrenaline leaves my body and I once again feel at peace, I stand, ready to get the fuck back to Sophie.
“Let’s go home to our girl.”
Chapter 31
I wake up late the next day, my body feeling heavy and weighed down after all it has endured recently. I fell asleep pressed between Preston and Ty last night, but when I finally crack open my eyes, I’m lying on top of a sleeping Ty, with Barrett pressed up against my back, his soft breaths caressing my neck while he sleeps.
Glancing past Barrett, I find the space beside him empty. Listening, I don’t hear any sound in the rest of the warehouse, making me wonder where Preston is. Turning my head, I find Aiden missing as well.
I’m about to get up and go in search of them, when Barrett’s arm tightens around me. “They went out to deal with some stuff. They’ll be back later. Sleep some more.” His voice is husky, thick with sleep. He buries his nose in my hair as I relax into him again, enjoying this moment of being in his arms, of being in both of their arms.
I spend the rest of the day on the sofa with Barrett and Ty. Last night I was so relieved to be back here with them all that I hadn’t let myself truly process everything, but today, I can’t stop the flashbacks, the feeling of Kurt on top of me, his fingers on me. It makes me want to vomit.
As the day has gone on, this coldness has descended over me. I can feel myself becoming numb again, withdrawing into myself. It’s different than before though. Last night I was in shock, but today I just feel...lost. I feel like I’m just supposed to go back to normal, but I’ve no idea how to do that, or how to get there.
I faintly register the guys talking around me, to me, but I don’t have it in me to respond. Everything from the last few days keeps playing out across my mind, like the most fucked up movie I’ve ever seen. No matter how much I try to turn it off, I can’t. I’m strapped in and forced to endure the worst fucking ride of my life. Like it wasn’t bad enough having to live through it once, now I have to be reminded of it every fucking day, assaulted by these memories I want nothing more than to forget.
The day seems to pass in a blur. I don’t move from my seat, except when I have to rush to the bathroom, bringing up the little bit of food I managed to force down. I know the guys are beginning to worry, but every time I try to pull myself out of whatever dark hole I’ve fallen into, it’s like I’m moving through sludge. It zaps all of my energy until I eventually give up and fall back down to the bottom of the pit where the memories surround me. They hold me captive, once again, except this time I’m not imprisoned by brick walls, but by the guilt and shame of my actions, by the lack of remorse I feel for killing another person, by my inability to work out how to function as this new person I’ve become.
The sun is setting when I finally drag myself back to reality enough to notice it’s still only Ty and Barrett here with me.
“Where are Aiden and Preston?” My voice is hoarse. I don’t think I’ve spoken a word all day. The pair of them share a look over my head, before Ty clears his throat, drawing my attention in his direction.
“They went to clean up the situation with Kurt,” he explains, telling it to me straight. I don’t know exactly what he means by that, but I don’t need to know, and honestly, I don’t care. I trust they will do whatever needs to be done.
I just nod my head, not sure what to say to that. After a moment, when it becomes clear I’m not going to respond, Barrett sighs wearily. I can see the concern in his eyes, yet I don’t feel capable of doing anything to try and reassure him. That cold, numb sensation is closing in again, pulling me down into its murky depths, blanketing me.
It’s dark outside, by the time Aiden and Preston return, the commotion rousing me a little from my semi-catatonic state. I’m vaguely aware of Ty bringing over bowls of chilli for all of us, as the two of them situate themselves on the sofa opposite us.
I watch with a weird kind of disconnect as the four of them dig into their meals. “All good?” Ty asks, sitting back down beside me. Preston can't take his eyes off me as Aiden responds. “Yeah, all good.”
“What’s been going on here?” Preston asks. His eyes still penetrate into me. He can see it. The apathetic look in my eyes, the inability to feel anything other than the deep-seated self-hatred currently consuming me.
I watch absently as the spoon stops midway to his mouth, the realization that something isn’t right registering with him.
“Sophie?” Worry laces his tone, only growing when I don’t respond. Part of me wants to. I want to reassure him, tell him everything’s okay, but every time I try to open my mouth, it’s like the muscles won’t do as they're told. They lie lifeless, unresponsive to my demands. The more energy I waste trying to get my lips to move, the faster I descend into the all-consuming darkness. The movie reel of everything I did with Kurt plays once again. I hear myself moaning as I come apart in his hands, my grunts of effort as I slam the needle into his eye. I can feel his warm blood coating my skin as I slice open his neck, killing him.
I’m lost to the darkness, the memories of my past. I’m no longer sitting in the warehouse, surrounded by my guys, but trapped in my own personal hell, with no idea how to escape from the prison that is my own mind.
Chapter 32
I don't know what to do. It’s been several days since we got Sophie back, and she’s been quiet and withdrawn ever since. I’m sure it’s to be expected, but none of us know what to do or how to help her. She doesn't really talk to any of us, spending most of her day sitting despondently on the sofa, staring aimlessly at the TV. The only one she seems comfortable around is Barrett.
I keep volleying back and forth between wanting to kill him and being grateful that he's able to be there for her. At least she isn't alone in all of this, but it doesn't mean I'm not fucking jealous that it isn't me she needs.
We gave her a couple of days to pull herself together, but if anything, she’s only getting worse. It can’t be healthy for her to sit and wallow, right? She barely eats, and when any of us try to talk to her, it feels like she’s looking right through us. Our Sophie isn’t here and we don’t know how to bring her back to us.
“I can’t take this anymore,” Preston snarls, pacing back and forth. “We need to fucking do something!”
“And what the fuck are we going to do?” Aiden snaps back.
We’re all tense and on edge, at our wits end. All of us feel useless, not knowing what she needs, or how to draw her out of her own shell.
Preston throws his hands up in exasperation. “I don’t fucking know!”
“Stop it!” I shout, sick of their bicke
ring. “This isn’t getting us anywhere.”
The three of us are out in the back shed, under the guise of doing laundry, while Barrett distracts our girl with a movie and popcorn.
We need to come up with a game plan, a way to bring her back to us. She’s lost in her own head at the minute, replaying whatever sick shit that bastard did to her. This can’t go on; we have to get her to talk and start healing.
“I can’t stand watching her like that. It’s killing me,” Preston asserts, running his hand repeatedly through his hair, pulling at it in his frustration.
“She just needs more time,” Aiden attempts to appease him, but it's weak and I can tell he doesn’t believe his own words. “She’s been through a lot. We can’t even begin to understand what she’s feeling.”
“So what do we do?” I ask.
“I don’t think there’s anything we can do. Just be there for her.”
“Fuck that shit. I’m not going to sit around and wait for her to just come back to us. I can’t.” Preston heads towards the door, yanking it open and storming out into the forest.
“Where the hell are you going?” I yell after him. He can’t just fucking leave. I get that he’s frustrated. We’re all fucking pissed off, but Sophie needs all of us.
The shithead doesn’t respond to me, storming over to his car and flying down the lane.
“What the fuck!” I snarl, slamming the door in my anger. “What the hell is he thinking?!” Now I’m the one pacing back and forth across the small room, fucking fuming with Preston. I’m going to fucking strangle him.
Pushing the murderous thoughts out of my mind, I focus on Sophie. “We can’t just do nothing,” I tell Aiden, in agreement with Preston. I just have a better fucking way of expressing myself than that hot-head.
“So what do you suggest?” Now that we’re alone, the cracks in Aiden’s facade start to show, the anger leaking out of him as he snaps at me.
“One of us needs to talk to her.” He turns to gape at me. Yeah, I don’t relish having that conversation with her either, but she needs to know we’re here for her. That we don’t give a shit what that fucker made her do.
That person can’t be me though. It’s my fucking fault she ended up at his mercy in the first place. She must hate me. How could she not? I was supposed to protect her and when she needed me most; I was sitting in fucking Biology, learning shit about photosynthesis that I’ll never need to know.
No. I’ll only make things worse if I go near her. It’s partly why I’ve been keeping my distance. Don’t get me wrong, I watch her every time she's around me, observing her stilted interactions with the others, but I’ve made a point of not sitting near her. I haven’t fucking touched her since that day.
My fingers itch with the need to reach out and grab a hold of her, yank her into my arms and keep her there forever, but I won’t risk causing her further damage just to satisfy my own damn mind.
“Not it!” He blurts out adamantly before looking at me expectantly.
“What?” I sputter. “No! Fuck no! I’m not doing it.”
“You lost, so you gotta,” he shrugs, heading out of the shed, leaving me alone to agonize over what the hell I’m supposed to say to Sophie.
________
Pacing back and forth across the small hall outside the bedrooms, I try to get a handle on my nerves and think of something to say to Sophie. I’m freaking the fuck out. What if I say the wrong thing? I’m terrified I’m only going to make things worse. I should not be the one doing this, but those other fuckers have been hiding from me. Preston never came back after he stormed out of here yesterday, and Aiden and Barrett have been avoiding me like I’ve got the fucking plague. Fucking pussies.
Unable to put it off any longer, I close my eyes, taking a deep breath before reaching out and turning the door handle, stepping into the bedroom.
Sophie’s standing by the window, staring out into the surrounding forest. She doesn’t turn around when I enter and I take the opportunity to just watch her, taking in her slight frame, drowned in Barrett’s clothes. She’s basically been living in them since she got back. Preston and Aiden said they only found underwear at the house she was being held in. If that’s the case, I can’t blame her for wanting to cover every inch of her body.
Not that I give a shit what she wears. She looks amazing in anything, but she might feel better, more like herself, in her own clothing.
Baby steps. Let’s get this over with, get her out of her head and talking to us first, then we can work on re-introducing her to the world.
Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I open my mouth to say something, but I’ve still got no idea what to say to her. What does someone say in this situation?
It takes a few more attempts, my mouth opening and closing, making me look like a fucking fish, before the words finally come.
“I’m so sorry, Sophie.” My voice breaks on the words. My entire body feels like it's caving in on itself. I’m being eaten alive with guilt, like a festering wound that won’t heal. As time goes on, it’s only getting worse. A disease that’s spreading through me, infecting everything it touches.
I’ve done some fucked up things in my life. Worse, I’ve stood by and let fucked up things happen to other people. I helped Kirk sell unwilling girls to sex slavery and did absolutely fucking nothing to stop him, for shit’s sake. I’m a bad person who does terrible things. Honestly, I don’t dwell on most of it. I’ll have to live the rest of my life seeing the scared, distraught faces of those girls every time I close my eyes, but other than that, nothing else I’ve done has left a stain on my soul.
Not until that day. It’s because of me that Kurt got to Sophie. My fault that she had to do whatever it took to survive him. I’m the reason she doesn't know how to be around any of us anymore, why she has to come to terms with what she went through and learn to live with herself.
She slowly turns around to look at me. She’s skinnier than she was a week ago. It wouldn’t be noticeable to anyone who doesn’t pay as close attention to her as I do. I’m always watching her, seeking her out in a room, taking in her reactions to those around her. The way the corners of her eyes crinkle when I make her laugh, how her whole body relaxes when Barrett is around, her proud smile when Aiden and Preston come out of their shells.
It doesn’t matter what she’s doing, or what is going on around her, she’s always present, always living in the moment, absorbing it all. At least, she used to. She hasn’t been that person since she came back to us. Sure, she sits with us and responds when we ask her questions, but there’s a vacancy that wasn’t there before. That light that used to shine so brightly from her has dimmed. I can’t stand to see her like this any longer. I need her back. We need her back. We’re falling apart without her. Preston’s already gone off the rails and Aiden is barely holding himself together.
I scan my eyes over her, taking her in. Her face is more drawn and paler looking than it was before, and there’s an emptiness in her eyes that I fucking hate.
Unable to stand looking at her for a second longer, I tear my eyes away, looking around the room, taking in the dark green walls, the navy duvet covers and dark wooden furniture like I haven’t spent so many nights sleeping here.
“Why?” Her voice is soft, quiet. The tenure does something to me. It instantly soothes this wild, restless beast that’s been rattling at the bars of its cage, demanding to be freed.
The faint hint of concern in her tone reminds me that the girl I fell in love with is still in there. She just needs someone to draw her out, to give her a reason to overcome whatever shit she’s dealing with. She’s not capable of standing up for herself right now, of fighting for her future, but that’s okay, because I’m here to fight for her.
“That day,” I start, sighing at the memory of her walking out of that classroom. Wishing I could just go back and change things. Why didn’t I just go with her? I knew she wasn’t feeling like herself. “I should have gone with you.”
&
nbsp; She’s shaking her head before I’ve even finished getting the words out.
“No,” she insists. “It wouldn’t have made a difference. He drugged me, Ty. He wasn’t even supposed to be in the damn school,” she cries. “If anything, things would have been worse if you’d been there. He might have hurt you, maybe even killed you. As fucked up as everything is right now, I couldn’t live with myself if he’d done that to you.”
I step in closer to her, needing desperately to touch her, to feel her skin against mine. The whole time she was gone, the only thing I could think about was holding her in my arms, of wrapping my body around her and never letting her go.
Reaching out slowly, not wanting to spook her, I wrap my hand around hers, interlinking our fingers.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t kick myself every day for not following you out of that classroom.”
She gives me a rueful smile. Neither of us can change the outcome of that day, and as much as she needs to come to terms with everything she went through, I need to come to terms with what happened too. I need to accept the part I played in her kidnapping and rid myself of this grief. Holding onto it isn’t doing me, or Sophie, any good. If anything, it’s only creating more of a wedge between us.
“You shouldn’t,” she assures, lightly squeezing my fingers. “If he’d failed that day, he would have tried again. He was never going to stop. He would have gotten me, eventually.”
While her words do nothing to reassure me, just telling her how sorry I am for failing her has eased some of my remorse. This unbearable weight has lifted off my shoulders knowing she doesn’t blame me for everything she’s gone through. I hadn’t realized until now how terrified I was that she would hold me at fault. That she would hate me for failing her.
“You’re the strongest person I know,” I tell her, wanting to give her the same solace she has given me. “Anything you had to do...we don’t blame you.” Looking her straight in the eyes, I push every atom of truth and love into my expression. “We don’t think less of you for doing whatever it took to get back to us. We all love you, so much, Sophie. We can get through this. We have to get past this, cause, love, there’s a whole future waiting for us.” I let her see the hope in my eyes, my belief in us. “It’s big and bright, filled with love and laughter and happiness. There’s bickering and teasing,” I chuckle softly, thinking about the unorthodox future that’s waiting for us. “Barrett’s going to drive us all insane with the crazy shit that comes out of his mouth. Preston’s going to make sure you have everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Aiden’s never going to let you out of his sight again, and, baby, I’m going to be there to put that fucking beautiful smile on your face. Every. Single. Day.” I can see the tears shining in her eyes, and, goddamn, they’re swimming in mine too. “We just have to get through this. We have to fight, and fucking survive. Then we can go wherever the fuck we want, do whatever the fuck we want. The future is ours for the taking.”
