by C. J.
“Of course. Why would we record you in a normal run of the mill, boring state?” asked Danny as he put his arm around his friend’s shoulders and guided him to the garage.
“I suppose you have me there. How do I look on video? I usually come off quite well, Kevin said, somewhat placated.”
“Yes, yes you looked brilliant. The best ever, in fact. Isn’t that right Maggie?”
“Yes, in fact, I just documented it for posterity using my new app, FX Zoo.”
“FX Zoo? I’ve been meaning to download that one. Hey! What did you do?” Kevin shouted lunging at Maggie and her phone which she had just tossed to Danny.
Once again Maggie was overcome with the giggles and snorted out, “When you, you,” Snort. “Lean, lean, into the front seat your butt morphs into an elephant’s big rear end while fire shoots out of your nose. It’s priceless. You’ll be the next YouTube star.” And with that Maggie collapsed against Danny and fell to the ground.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
GRETCHEN MEADOWS, HEAD of R&D and Suzanne’s direct link to Teaberry, was watching things unfold at Lexi Corp. She was, in fact, toasting Suzanne for a job well done with a healthy helping of Glenlivet single malt scotch when the explosions were being heard on the local news channel. The congraulatory toast turned to uncomplimentary thoughts and a verbal eruption when she saw Suzanne being walked out of Lexi Corp. in handcuffs as a scroll on the screen read Lexi employee detained as a possible offender. The newscaster then switched from his serious to his happy face as he dropped the bombshell that there were no fatalities from the incident and only some minor cosmetic damage to the Lexi facility. After this quip, his mannequin- like co- anchor Evette turned to him “Oh Frederick really, cosmetic damage? Really, you are too much.” She giggled and, changing from happy face to serious in the blink of an eye, informed her audience, “Suzanne Verassing, Human Resources employee of Lexi, apparently brought the explosive known as C-4 into Lexi Corp. along with an arsenal of weaponry and began firing at Lexi’s security guards. The guards then contacted the police with the details and gave a description and location of Ms. Verassing’s whereabouts. Part of the lab was damaged when explosives allegedly set by Ms. Verassing were accidentally detonated by Lexi security guards.”
The TV droned on but Gretchen was no longer listening; she was trying to figure out how to salvage this disaster. Only she knew about Suzanne, for Suzanne was on the payroll in the research part of the budget. As in research, steal and then destroy. Suzanne was a pro. She would hopefully keep her big mouth shut. In the meantime, everything connecting Gretchen to Suzanne’s had to be destroyed. She’d already downloaded all the data Suzanne had sent into a hard drive underneath the floor in Gretchen’s office bathroom. Someone would really have to know what to look for to find the damn thing.
“The video feed, at least I have the video feed. I just need to figure out what the ingredients are from the feed. I need to distance myself from the formula. It needs to be discovered outside of Teaberry, and then Teaberry can ‘buy’ the formula from this idiot. The mad scientist list. Yes, I can find my patsy off that,” Gretchen muttered.
Like most companies Teaberry, received a lot of email and snail mail that either conveyed how hated the corporation was, or, alternately, fantastic their products were. Teaberry also received ideas from people who had discovered amazing breakthroughs. “If you grind up spider eggs and mix with caterpillar legs, you can make a facial mask that eliminates wrinkles, and is all natural Yours truly, Gertrude McFigus. P.S. Please send checks to above address once you have made my spidey-pillar cream.”
Mountains of letters such as these came in. Some were passed around and enjoyed before the shredding, but a majority of the “breakthrough ideas” were already in use, and the obligatory form letters went out.
Occasionally some nut would attempt to walk in with a revolutionary formula. The nut would be turned away, but gently; Teaberry didn’t want to lose a customer, no matter his or her mental health status.
Gretchen scrolled through the letters that had been saved in the ‘possible’ folder in the R&D computer and came across someone who had submitted several ideas that had been deemed potential. This person had also come into the company with one of their product formulas. Gretchen remembered this person for several reasons, the main one being that the formula had set off Teaberry’s smoke alarm and sprinkler system.
Gretchen pulled up the video from that incident, which had been saved for a possible lawsuit, and saw her patsy.
“Hello, patsy,” sang Gretchen as she dialed a number from the contact list.
“Hello, Pa...I’m mean, hello, this is Gretchen Meadows from Teaberry. How are you doing tonight Mr. Tranwrach?” asked Gretchen in her most business-like voice.
“Teaberry,” squeaked Tranwrach, “I mean, Ms. Gretchen or, sorry, uh, Mrs. Meadows.” There was a thudding sound as his phone fell into the sink; Tranwrach was peeling carrots when he answered the phone not bothering to remove the peelings from it as he started talking again. “Sorry, please forgive me I was preparing dinner and being somewhat of a gourmet, I make everything from scratch, and umm...well you startled me and I...What can you do for me? Oh God! I mean what can I do for you, Ms. Meadows?”
Tranwrach had dreamed of this moment, Teaberry actually calling him about something, but what? He was already dreaming of dozens of products with his face and name on them when he realized Gretchen was saying his name.
“Mr. Tranwrach? Mr. Tranwrach! Are you there Mr. Tranwrach?”
“Yes, yes I am so sorry, please go on.”
“Mr. Tranwrach, please focus. Again let me introduce myself. I am Gretchen Meadows, and I head up the R & D side of Teaberry. From time to time, I go through our files and look for new ideas. Today I came across an item you had submitted. Granted, it may take a little tweaking.” We’ll have to have all the techs wear inflammable suits, to begin with, if it tests like it did the first time, she thought.
“Oh wonderful, how wonderful. You don’t know how happy this makes me. Which formula was it that interested you, Ms. Meadows?”
“Gretchen, please call me Gretchen. It was titled MT20 Hair removal formula. After 10 uses, your unwanted hair ceases to grow back.”
“I know it had some problems, but I thought....”
“You thought right, Martin, may I call you Martin?”
“Yes, yes of course, please do.” Once again he dropped his phone into the sink with a clang.
Gretchen patiently waited for the retrieval of the phone and waited for him to turn it in the direction of his face all the while doing a silent happy dance in her office. This guy was sent from heaven. I could ask him to stick his hand down the disposal right now, and he would do it without question. “Are you there, Martin?”
“Yes, I’m back, I was just checking on dinner.”
“Well Martin, like I mentioned previously, I’m particularly interested in MT20 as an anti-wrinkle, youth cream formula. What we discovered about your formula is after application it not only removes the hair,” (in a ball of flames) “but leaves the skin in better condition and reduces wrinkles. I want you to work with our team, to work on that aspect of the formula. Does that appeal to you? Hello.” Hell, he dropped the phone again, this is getting ridiculous, Gretchen screamed silently to herself.
Martin who’d been momentarily transfixed by carrot peelings hanging off his phone and over his eye, finally responded.
“ Yes, no, yes, I’m still here, I’m just so, so, thankful that you chose my formula. How, when, where, I mean, I work university time to do this, to make my formula. How?”
“I think you dropped your phone once too many times, or I’m getting a bad signal. Christ, was that just him rambling on? Please say it was him and not the sink phone. Gretchen rubbed her right temple with her fingers.
“No, not phone me, just. I just so nervous. When can I start?” Martin finally whooshed out a complete thought.
Thank you, thank you, Gretchen s
aid to herself. “Now Martin, what I would like you to do is to take a leave of absence from the university. We will double your salary and pay for any and all expenses you incur while assisting us in this project. You will have your own lab and team. We want to move on this right away as this is a sensational formula, and I think it can be an incredible breakthrough for us. This will be a life-changing experience for you. So what do you say? Are you onboard with me?”
As soon as Tranwrach heard the words his “own lab” and his “own team,” he nearly passed out. Double the salary was just an added bonus so to speak, Tranwrach was always more interested in titles and status symbols than money. He never understood the appeal of buying the latest clothing, or for that matter clothing made within the last decade, and only used his salary for the very basics. What he craved were status and fame.
“My own lab and team, you say?”
“Of course, you are going to need all the help you can get. I mean this is a big project, and you will need people to do the mundane aspects of the job.”
“I’m in. I’m in. I will tell the university I will need a leave of absence first thing Monday morning. Thank you so much.”
“My pleasure, Martin, I will give you Monday to straighten things out with the university and then you can report to me first thing on Tuesday.”
Clang...muffled swearing. “Yes, of course, I will Tuesday see you on.”
“Goodnight Martin and enjoy your dinner.”
“Goodnight, uh Gretchen.”
As he dropped his phone for the final time, Martin looked at his gourmet dinner, Happy Family’s Frozen Fish Sticks with a salad in a bag alongside freshly cut carrots. “Not for long, Happy Family, I’m moving up in the world. Pretty soon I’ll have someone else heating up my dinners.”
With that larger than life dream tumbling around in his vacuum packed head, he went to gather all his notes for his hair removal formula and placed them lovingly in a binder. He barely felt the two puncture wounds from the binder rings as he put the pages in order and went to bed early with strings of carrots still clinging from his hair. In the middle of the night, he bolted upright in bed and remembered he didn’t have any idea what excuse to give the university about his leave of absence. But realizing he had the weekend to come up with something, fell back onto a slightly carroty pillow.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
BACK IN THE GARAGE, Maggie’s giggling had petered down to a slight hiccupping. “So have the two of you recovered from each of your private insane moments?”
Danny looked at Maggie and replied, “Yes, hon I believe you snapped me out of it.”
Kevin just glared at Maggie.
“Sweetie, honey, as tempting as it is, I didn’t send it to Youtube. I swear. Here delete it,” and handed her phone to Kevin. While Kevin was deleting his morphing soliloquy, Danny casually glanced at his cell phone. He silently mouthed “got it” to Maggie and blew her a kiss.
After Kevin tossed Maggie’s phone back to her he said, “Unless this is still one big hallucination, I think I’m good too,” and then stared off into space.
Danny looked at Kevin, then at Maggie, and back at Kevin. While snapping his fingers in Kevin’s face, he shouted, “Hey space cadet, I thought you were good.”
“What? Oh, I am. I was just thinking, how many weeks off do you think we will receive after this traumatic event, and will we be entitled to any compensation?”
Danny immediately popped up, grabbed Maggie’s souvenir hockey stick she kept in the lab for disagreement ending purposes, and began marching back and forth hockey stick in hand like a poor imitation of Colonel Klink or a pretty reasonable impression of an insane band leader.
“I would say at least four weeks with pay, of course, and some sort of trauma pay for, well, the trauma.” And we would have to go somewhere and work on the formula undisturbed, somewhere secluded, but well equipped.”
“With top of the line equipment,” chimed in Kevin.
“Yes, yes, of course, that was given,” Danny said waving the stick around and nearly beheading Maggie.
“Watch it, you ass,” she shouted. “By the way, trauma brothers, aren’t you forgetting something?”
“No I don’t think so,” said Danny. “We need time off.” Whack went the stick against the wall of the garage for emphasis. “Money.” Whack “And privacy.” Whack. “Can you think of anything else Kev?”
“I think you about covered it. The location is key. We need a secret hideout with a lot of top quality equipment. I think you know where I’m going with this.”
“Bat cave,” Kevin and Danny sang in unison.
“Alright, alright come back to earth, you idiots,” shouted Maggie, wrestling the stick back from Danny.
“You, morons, have forgotten one tiny little detail. You were not in Lexi’s lab when Susie went nutty.”
“Of course we were. Remember we met you outside, but before that, there was a lot of gunfire and explosions and shouting and crying and screaming. To be fair the crying and screaming were mostly coming from Kevin’s corner, but I may have contributed slightly to the.”
“Idiot! How someone so brilliant can be so dim is beyond me,” Maggie told Danny as she smacked the hockey stick against the nearest table causing both Danny and Kevin to flinch.
“Hah, she called you out, dim! You are as dim as a 20 watt light bulb that has been stuck in a dusty attic for twenty years and now has been inserted into a baboon’s.”
Kevin didn’t get to finish this picturesque thought as he felt a stinging sensation on his rear from Maggie’s let’s get back to the point hockey stick.
“Both of you are idiots. Now sit down and don’t move or speak unless I tell you to. Is that clear?” hissed Maggie, waving the business end of the hockey stick about their heads.
Kevin wrote something on a piece of paper and slid it toward Maggie.
Maggie looked at the note and read aloud, “Now what? How can we answer you if we can’t speak? I also told you not to move, but you wrote the note,” she muttered and raised the stick.
Kevin's face went from smug to terrified. Danny did a sidewise rolling somersault away from Kevin and out the range of the stick, trying for as much distance as possible in the shortest amount of time.
Maggie looked from Kevin’s terror-stricken face to Danny’s flailing, tumbling body and burst out laughing. “OK, OK everyone, let’s get comfy on chairs, and I’ll tell you what idiots you are without the stick.” She put the stick back behind her workstation.
Danny and Kevin found seats at what they thought was a safe distance away from Maggie and gingerly sat down.
“Comfy? OK. Well, first thing, you two were not inside the building, so how could you be traumatized and be given time off? You left when you were supposed to and didn’t do anything sneaky, like stay in the building and use equipment without permission and then take a formula belonging to Lexi Corp., and hide said formula from Lexi Corp. You also didn’t go in and out unauthorized of exits and use fraudulent IDs to gain access again. But then again you were in the building because Mitchell and Roger saw you, but you obviously couldn’t have been because according to your key cards you had already left the building when the pooh hit the fan. If you two had been thinking straight, you would’ve gotten rid of all the witnesses, Suzanne, Roger and Mitchell. Then you would’ve been home free with the formula, which you could’ve either later ‘discovered’ after quitting Lexi, or had someone else ‘discover’ while you continued working at Lexi.”
“What do you mean get rid of the witnesses? Like pushing Roger, Mitchell, and Suzanne into an incinerator or something? Are you nuts? I mean the Tweedles are somewhat annoying, but they and their arsenal really came through for us. I can see getting rid of Suzanne since she was trying to kill us, but still. You are talking to the wrong guys. You know us, Maggie we couldn’t hurt anyone,” said Danny, not meeting her eyes.
“I know, baby, that’s why I love you. That’s one of your strong points, you are
a good person. You too, Kevin.”
“Thanks,” Kevin said, looking at his shoes, “But we covered ourselves by going in through the dock doors after putting the formula and notes in the car. That entrance doesn’t need a key card. We will just tell everyone we stayed late to work on Monday’s presentation. That should jive with what the Tweedles tell everyone.”
“Yes!” Danny cried, “I think we are in the clear. We can blame the theft or destruction of the formula on Suzanne and her C4.” He stood up, put his hands to his head, grabbed the little stubs of hair, he had and cried out, “It was horrible! All our notes and samples were destroyed by that evil woman! How does that sound?”
Kevin ignored the Oscar-winning moment. “So we can prove we were there, and get time off for the traumatic event. Sweet.”
“Well, I don’t know, just keep it simple. You were working on the presentation, Suzanne came in, blam, blam, blam. Chaos ensued, and you fled out the dock exit. You have no idea where the formula is, and you are both too rattled to remember the ingredients. Just play dumb well, dumber than usual,” Maggie said and kissed Danny who was still rehearsing his lines with a lot of moaning and hand-wringing. “You boys better get back to your place so Lexi and/or the police can find you. You don’t want to be seen with me too much if I’m going to discover a fantastical formula shortly. Speaking of which where’s this marvelous life changing formula?”
Danny pointed behind Maggie and said, “Everything we snuck out of Lexi is on your worktable.”
“Thanks babe.” Maggie kissed them both goodbye, instantly regretting it as they both had a great deal of ick came on them.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“COOL, LOOK AT ALL THOSE lights,” said, Danny, as he and Kevin approached their apartment.
Every imaginable type of emergency vehicle, surrounded their building, and people in black were running around with rifles or leaning against nearby buildings, weapons pointed toward one particular set of windows.
