by Angie Sage
PROPRIETOR: Not surprisingly, he wishes to remain anonymous. However, THE EGG-ON-TOAST RESTAURANT GUIDE can reveal that he is the ex-dishwasher boy from Sally Mullin’s café.
LOCATION: A mobile facility to be found in the less salubrious areas. Has recently been banned from Wizard Way.
SERVICE: Surly.
SPECIALTIES: Sausage-of-the-day. (My brave assistant tried one and got a cat’s claw stuck between her teeth.)
MENU: Meat pies and sausages.
WE ATE: Sausage-of-the-day. My assistant ate nothing else for the following three days.
COMMENTS: Disgusting.
Café la Gringe
JUST OPENED
PROPRIETOR: Mrs. Theodora Gringe.
LOCATION: Small, drafty lean-to at the side of the North Gate gatehouse.
SERVICE: Serve yourself. Three pots of stew kept warm (just) over a small fire.
SPECIALTIES: Stew.
MENU: Brown stew, dark brown stew and very dark brown stew.
WE ATE: Stew.
COMMENTS: Sharp knives are provided to cut up the stew. You will need them.
Wizard Sandwiches
PROPRIETOR: We were unable to ascertain this. THE EGG-ON-TOAST RESTAURANT GUIDE was informed that “Wizard Sandwiches does not believe in ownership.”
LOCATION: First Floor, Number 44 Wizard Way. Green door with flowers next to the Perfect Pamphlet Printers.
SERVICE: Friendly but sometimes a little confused. Used to run a cart service but is now take-out only, although will deliver. They will accept orders by Message Rat and have regular clients all along Wizard Way.
SPECIALTIES: Whole loaf sandwiches to share with a friend. Homemade ketchup.
MENU: We couldn’t find one. When THE EGG-ON-TOAST RESTAURANT GUIDE asked, we were told, “Our menu is infinite, but there’s no ham today.”
WE ATE: Cheese and salad rolls with apple chutney. A Manuscriptorium scribe was buying a sausage sandwich, which looked very good, but my assistant refused to go near it.
COMMENTS: Good.
THE Ramblings
HOW TO GET THERE:
BY BOAT: Take the Ramblings shuttle from the South Gate to the Ramblings Piers numbers one, two or three.
BY FOOT: Signs can be found on most streets and alleys.
BY HORSE: Not advisable. There are no stable facilities at the Ramblings.
WHO LIVES THERE: All kinds: Families, Wizards, tradespeople, gardeners, frog-farmers, fortune-tellers, actors, acrobats, spies and runaways. It is full, as Queen Etheldredda would say, of all kinds of riffraff.
WHAT YOU’LL FIND THERE: Rooms, schools, factories, workshops, theaters, a small hospital, Ramblings Chapel, nurseries, shops, bakeries, in fact pretty much everything you could possibly need.
WHY YOU’D GO THERE: If you need somewhere to live, it’s the best bet in the Castle; there are generally a few rooms vacant. For a visit, it’s fun, full of interesting people and there are some good lodging houses and delightful roof gardens. Interesting experimental plays are performed by the Ramblings Players and the Knights on the Tiles theatrical group. Of course there are some rundown, shadier parts of the Ramblings, but why you would want to go there is your own business and the Guide would not dream of asking.
WHY YOU WOULDN’T: Best avoided at rush hour, when the passageways can be very congested.
A Ramble through the Ramblings
WALKING TOUR
AS NARRATED BY OUR GUIDE SILAS HEAP
SET DOWN VERBATIM BY MIRIAM BING, AS PRACTICE FOR HER MANUSCRIPTORIUM SPEEDWRITING EXAMINATION
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYONE. All here? Yes? Good. Ah, hello, madam, yes we are just about to go. Better late than never, ha ha. Well, now that we are all here I would like to draw your attention to the fact that this is the original Ramble through the Ramblings Walking Tour. Beware recent inferior expeditions by a certain Sirius Weazal.
It is my pleasure to introduce you to the Ramblings. The Ramblings has been built over hundreds of years to house all the people who have come to live in our lovely Castle. It may seem a little squished to any farmers among you, but those of us who live—or used to live—here love it.
So let’s get started, shall we? Gather around. Yes, around me, madam. Thank you. No, madam, I am not the cleaner. I am a Wizard. That’s what the blue robes are. Well, I don’t know what you think a Wizard is supposed to look like, but I can assure you that I am indeed a Wizard.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we begin our tour here at the North Entrance to the Ramblings. This entrance, beside the North Gate, takes you straight into the Ramblings. Follow me, please.
The noise, madam? That is the Ramblings Orange Elementary School. We have seven elementary schools in the Ramblings, each named after a color of the rainbow. My own children went to the Purple School, which has a high proportion of children from Magykal families. Of course you all know how Magyk was banned under that awful regime of the Supreme Custard Tart—ho ho, just my little joke; we can laugh about it now, but it was no fun at the time.
Now we pass through this large hall, which is where the children play after school. The swings and slides are all provided by the Ramblings Play Association. Excuse me, young man, will you come down from there, please? You’ll break it swinging around like that.
We shall now exit through this passageway—single file, please, as it narrows at the steps—and enter into the residential part of the Ramblings. Be careful of the rushlights, please. Look, boy, if you touch one of course it will be hot .
May we continue? Along the passageway you will see a series of doors of all shapes, size and colors. These are the rooms where the families of the Ramblings live.
We shall now ascend the steps—please take care—to the upper corridor that overlooks the river. This has been measured at very nearly three miles in length. To your right is the bright red door where my family used to live. All my children were born here, including the Apprentice to the ExtraOrdinary Wizard, Septimus Heap. Yes, that’s correct, madam, the boy with the dragon. Oh really? Well I’m very sorry, but I don’t think my son has much control over the dragon poo. Yes, I’m sure it was extremely distressing.
Yes, young man, of course you may ask a question. Yes, this is where the Princess lived. She left on her tenth birthday. Bit of a shock, actually. Can we have a look? Well, I don’t see why not. I’ve got a key somewhere. Kept it as a memento…see, fits the lock perfectly…oh this door always did have a mind of its own…open, you stupid door…Oof!
Yes, madam, it does indeed look rather small for a large family. Yes, six boys and a girl. Well, the girl slept in that little cupboard here. Yes, it is cute. Oh my gosh, it still has the curtains Sarah made. Oh dear. Oh. I had quite forgotten. Time to move on now, oh dear, oh dear…
We shall now turn down here, no down here, madam, and take this winding passageway—take care, it slopes down rather sharply. It’s a bit of a walk, but it will take us to the upper market hall, which usually has some interesting produce. No running please, young man. You don’t know who you’ll bump into. There could be the ExtraOrdinary Wizard around the next bend. But we hope not, ho ho!
Right, here we are. Yes, madam, the market hall always smells like this. I think it’s the cheese. Now you may look around at your leisure. We’ll meet at the Home Brew Ale Stall in ten minutes. No rush.
Everyone found a bargain? Good. Now we set off for the Knight on the Tiles Little Theater, taking in Mrs. Tenderfoot’s delightful roof garden on the way. Follow me, please, down this corridor. No, young man, this one. We don’t want you getting lost, do we? Well, possibly we do…ahem, er, you’re his father, are you? Well, I suggest you keep an eye on your son, sir. Everyone, keep left please. Left, madam. The workshops will soon be closing and there will be a bit of a rush.
Right, now we go through this little door here. May I suggest you take a deep breath in, madam, that usually does it. Oh. Can anyone give a push? One, two, three—good. Now we take the high walkway to the roof terrace. Please keep
to the middle, as some of the fences are not to be trusted. Yes, it is a long way down, madam. Yes, it’s the river down there. It does indeed look very small comebackfromtheedge! Oh heavens. Would you kindly keep hold of your son, sir, if you wish him to survive another day?
If those of you with a head for heights would care to stop and turn around for a moment, this is a wonderful place to see the Wizard Tower. And the golden Pyramid at the top is looking very stunning today, with the sun glinting off it. The Magykal lights, very blue today. They are often purple too, but it does depend on the kind fo Magyk happening in the Tower. And for those of you who are early risers, this is a wonderful place to see the sun rise over the Farmlands.
Now, we have reached the common communal roof terrace, a gem of green hidden from the rest of the world. Only the birds can see it. Yes, and dragons, madam. If you will follow me, please, we will walk through the gardens. Please don’t pick the flowers.
Our last port of call is the Theater. Just follow me down the winding steps this way and through this green door here. Everyone here? Good. We are now inside the Knights on the Tiles Little Theater. Yes, it is dark after being outside. No, madam, I don’t know why the rushlights are not lit. I wouldn’t call it a disgrace, exactly, more of an inconvenience. Your eyes will soon get used to it; there is no need whatsoever to panic. Ouch! Oof! What the—
Oh my goodness, it’s you, Larry! Well, how was I to know you were doing a performance? Couldn’t see a thing. What, that was the idea? No, we don’t want to buy tickets. Well, I am very sorry you don’t have an audience, but to tell you the truth I am not surprised. Follow me now, everyone, we are very nearly at the end of our tether. No, madam, I said tour. To Tour.
Here Miriam Bing ran out of paper.
POINTS OF INTEREST IN THE RAMBLINGS
Bertha’s Banana Bookshop
No. 3 About Turn
Bertha’s shop specializes in books with yellow covers. Recently she has branched out into books with orange covers, but stock of these is still low.
The Gothyk Grotto
13 Little Creep Cut
A long, narrow shop stuffed with all manner of Gothyk delights. Mainly cheap trinkets and jokes, but you can also find good copies of Darke rings and Charms if you are prepared to spend a few hours in semidarkness listening to the shopkeeper—“call me Igor”—play his bizarre version of a Darke noseflute. If you want to blend in, wear black.
The Big Bloomer Flower Shop
3-7 Windy Way
All the best flowers from the rooftop gardens can be found here. Cecil and Siegfried will tell you the history of each flower—in some detail. Be sure to leave enough time for your visit.
SARAH AND SILAS HEAP
SILAS GREW UP IN THE RAMBLINGS. His mother was the once-lovely Jenna Crackle, and his father was a talented Wizard named Benjamin Heap. Benjamin Heap was a shape-shifter—a rare and much respected talent among Wizards.
Silas was a late baby in the family and was born the seventh son, much to everyone’s delight, but when Silas turned eighteen, his father bade his family a sad farewell and went into the Forest. He wanted to take his final shape: a tree. He was loath to leave Silas, who was still young, but Benjamin knew that to become a tree he needed all his strength. He dared not wait any longer. And so he wandered through the Forest until he came to the Hidden Ancient Glades and began his slow transformation.
Silas was very upset. At the time, he was Apprentice to the ExtraOrdinary Wizard Alther Mella and struggling with his studies. He felt upset that his father had left without telling him where he was going—even though Silas knew that the Ancient Glades were a well-guarded secret. Not liking to see his Apprentice so distraught, Alther gave Silas a seven-month leave to look for his father. Silas spent six of those months wandering through the Forest, but he never found the way to the Ancient Glades, where Benjamin Heap was slowly taking root. On the last day of his leave Silas returned to the Castle with the young Sarah Willow on his arm. Sarah had been studying Herbs and Healing with Galen, the Forest Physik Woman, but when she met Silas she decided she had learned quite enough and it was time to return to the Castle.
Silas and Sarah made their home in a large room in the Ramblings, and Silas went back to his Apprenticeship—but not for long.
As the children began to arrive, Silas found it harder and harder to tear himself away from family life to spend his days among the dry and dusty books in the Wizard Tower. He hated having to leave Sarah to do all the work—even though she never complained—and one day when he came home to discover he had missed both Erik and Edd’s first smiles and Sam’s first steps, Silas asked Alther to release him from his Apprenticeship.
Alther agreed—and not too reluctantly. He liked Silas very much; in fact, that was one of the reasons why he had chosen him to be his Apprentice, but he knew that Silas was struggling with the more advanced Magyk and he thought that Silas had made the right decision.
Sarah and Silas had seven sons in all, but—as everyone knows—the youngest, Septimus, was declared dead by the Midwife and carried away. On that same night, Silas found a baby girl in the snow outside the North Gate—and now everyone knows who she is too.
The day of the baby-in-the-snow’s tenth birthday, the lives of the Heap family were changed forever. Sarah’s children were scattered far and wide, and although she was at last reunited with her youngest son, she lost her oldest son to the Darke and her next four sons to the Forest.
Sarah and Silas moved into the vast, virtually empty Palace, and not long after that she lost Nicko to his Apprenticeship with Jannit Maarten. Sarah’s newfound Septimus was living at the Wizard Tower under the thumb of Marcia Overstrand, and all that was left to Sarah was her much-loved adopted daughter, Jenna. Sarah felt bereft. At night she would sometimes dream that all her lost sons were with her once more. But in the morning when she awoke to the sound of Silas snoring, Sarah would gaze mournfully up at the dusty old bed canopy and would know that it was all a dream—and a hopeless one at that.
She comforted herself with the thought that at least it could not get worse—until one day it did. Nicko disappeared from the face of the earth.
And what was even worse were the rumors flying around the Castle—that Nicko was lost in Time. It was, thought Sarah, a wicked thing to say to a mother and, obviously, totally impossible. But as the months went by and Nicko did indeed seem to have vanished, Sarah began to wonder. Those were Silas and Sarah’s darkest days.
Things are a little better now, as Sarah has once again seen her second-youngest son, but she still dreams of the day when all her children will be with her at the Palace. Silas tells her not to count her chickens, but Sarah likes her chickens and she counts them every day.
BENJAMIN HEAP
SEPTIMUS HEAP'S MAP OF CASTLE TUNNELS
THE SUPREME CUSTODIAN
AFTER THE ASSASSINATION of the Queen, the Supreme Custodian ruled over the Castle. He was a vicious, nasty little man, and even his mother thought he was arrogant. He was vain, much given to preening and liked wearing delicate, embroidered slippers. His hobby was lurking and listening at doors, but he never did hear anything good about himself.
His job was to find the baby Princess and get rid of her. Only then could his Master, DomDaniel, safely resume what he considered to be his rightful place at the top of the Wizard Tower as ExtraOrdinary Wizard.
The Supreme Custodian knew that once he found the Princess, his job would be at an end, so he did not try too hard—he liked the trappings of office and he particularly liked his banquets. Periodically he was summoned to see DomDaniel in the Badlands, and he would return from these visits white-faced and with a temporarily renewed vigor for the search. It was after a particularly frightening visit, where DomDaniel threatened to have him Consumed, that the Supreme Custodian put in a spy, Linda Lane, to check on a possible lead in Room 16, Corridor 223, East Side—a Wizard enclave in the Ramblings.
Linda Lane reported to the Supreme Custodian that the Princes
s—or the Queenling, as he preferred to call her—was living among the Wizards in what the house-proud Linda described as “a disgusting state of squalor.” And so, on the evening of Jenna Heap’s tenth birthday, the Supreme Custodian gave an Assassin her orders. But as we know, all did not go his way.
FILES OF THE SUPREME CUSTODIAN
Found in the Supreme Custodian’s rooms in a file marked HEAP
SKETCH OF THE HEAP FAMILY HOME ROOM 16, CORRIDOR 223, EAST SIDE
•••••REPORT OF••••• SENIOR SANITARY AND HOUSE CLEARANCE
Location: Room 16, Corridor 223, East Side
Name of former residents: Heap
Value of possessions: Nil
Condition of possessions: Poor
Quantity of possessions: Seven times average amount
Books to be removed: Yes
Operative’s comments: A large quantity of banned Magyk books were observed. Due to pressure of work I left helper to stack these outside for removal by the Book Squad. Checked later to find books had indeed been removed. Request clean uniform due to dust saturation. Book Squad later informed me that no books had been collected. Suggest investigation.
See below for list of dangerous books unaccounted for:
-Basyk Magyk for the Young
-Magykal Tales for Small Boys and Girls
-So You Think You Want to Be a Wizard?
-101 Charms for Cleaning Houses (unused)
-Physik Is Bunk
-Ten Spells for Ten Smells
-Fishing Spells and Charms for Boys and Girls
-Washday Drying Spells for Busy Mothers
