by Angie Sage
BEST RATES OF PAY
WE PAY DOUBLE THE PORT RATE!
DON’T MISS OUT ON THIS WONDERFUL OPPURTUNITY!!
And one more that reads:
FREE FOOD!!!!!!
WHY YOU’D GO THERE: To send a message.
WHY YOU WOULDN’T: With only one rat on duty, the office may be closed while the rat is out on a message. Also if the one rat is in the office you may not want to listen to the rat’s wide-ranging observations on Life, the Universe and Everything.
STANLEY: MY LIFE—A RAT’S RAMBLINGS
I WILL BE BRIEF. Or as brief as possible. I was born to a wonderful old Castle rat family, who had a proud history of employment in the Message Rat Service. My father, bless his dear memory, worked in the Rat Office for all his life, and my dear old ma used to receive the basket of messages at the top of the Tower. Ah, those were the days. It was therefore only natural that I, Stanley, their pride and joy, should go into the Service—as it was known in the family.
I had not been long in the Service when I met my future wife, Dawnie, one summer’s evening at my favorite rubbish bin. She emerged with gravy all over her nose and I was (unfortunately, as it turned out) smitten.
At Dawnie’s insistence, we set up house together next door to her mother. The arrangement was not entirely successful. Dawnie’s mother told my dear old ma, who was not well at the time, that she did not consider me good enough for her daughter. Not good, I hear you say—and how right you are.
The crisis point in my marriage came when I was kidnapped—or ratnapped—by Mad Jack. It was a nightmare. I was away for more than two months, and Dawnie’s mother told her that I had done this deliberately to spite them. Well, I can think of much more pleasant things to do to spite someone than that.
My homecoming to the Castle was not good. After all I had been through, I was expecting a hero’s welcome, but it was not to be. Dawnie had left and gone to live with her sister, Mabel. I was interrogated by the Rat Office and thrown into a disgusting little cage under the floor.
After I was released from imprisonment I spent some time recovering in the North Gate gatehouse under the care of the delightful Lucy Gringe. Not unnaturally, I am sure you will agree, I decided that I had had enough of the Message Rat Service.
Then one day, by the very same rubbish bin where I had first met Dawnie, I was approached by a shifty-looking rat and asked if I would like to join the Secret Rat Service. I accepted at once. It was my dream job.
My first Mission was one that I will never forget. I was dispatched to find the kidnapped Princess and return her to the Castle! How many rats have had that kind of responsibility entrusted to them? Not many, I can tell you. Those who know me well will know that I do not like to blow my own trumpet, but as a matter of record I have to say that I succeeded magnificently—there is no point pretending otherwise. Being a romantic at heart, I decided to try again with Dawnie.
Our reunion was not all it could have been. Dawnie’s mother came over for supper every night. But the main problem was the RatStranglers—a bunch of thugs running a campaign to rid the Castle of rats. I wanted to go to the Port, but Dawnie would not leave her mother. However, one morning we discovered that her mother had legged it overnight and left us behind—so at last Dawnie agreed to go.
But fate was against us—as we crept out we were spotted by the RatStranglers. It was a terrifying chase and we only narrowly escaped by grabbing on to a departing dragon’s tail.
It turned out that the dragon belonged to the Princess’s brother, whom I had met before. I move in interesting circles, actually, and it does help at times. We were offered a ride on the dragon to the Port, but it was on this trip that the scales fell from my eyes and I saw Dawnie’s true nature for the very first time. It was not a pretty sight and was the beginning of the end. Dawnie is now living in the Port near the pie shop. I hear she is even fatter.
But I am determined to be positive. Many good things have come out of this experience, and I am now considered to be, among other things, a friend of royalty. Sometimes I wonder what Dawnie would think of this, but deep down I know that Dawnie wouldn’t really care. She has no soul.
Recently I have adopted four orphan ratlets, whom I found on the Outside Path one night.
I have also restarted the Message Rat Service and am hoping to find some staff soon. All applicants welcome. Free interview. But the ratlets are growing fast and if I don’t find any staff, I will soon have some homegrown talent entering the Service. It will save on wages too.
All things work out in the end, don’t they?
RULES
A message MUST be delivered no matter what.
A message must ONLY be delivered to the identified recipient.
A Message Rat ALWAYS travels undetected.
A Message Rat NEVER makes himself known to strangers.
A Message Rat may NOT refuse an assignment.
Message Rats carry messages ONLY. No parcels.
ALL conversations in the Rat Office are Highly Confidential.
REMEMBER: NOTHING STOPS A MESSAGE RAT!
STANDARD MESSAGE FORM
to be used by ALL RATS
Await Command to speak. Wizards will use Speeke, Rattus Rattus. Non-Wizards use a variety of Commands, not all of them polite. But a Message Rat never answers back and never deviates from the Standard Message Form (SMF).
SMF IS:
First, I have to ask: Is there anyone here answering to the name of (INSERT NAME OF RECIPIENT)?
Following recipient identifying him or herself correctly, deliver message in SMF:
I have come here to deliver a message to (INSERT NAME OF RECIPIENT).
The message is sent (INSERT DAY) at (INSERT TIME) from (INSERT NAME OF SENDER HERE AND, IF POSSIBLE, PLACE OF RESIDENCE).
Message begins:
Deliver Message VERBATIM. A Message Rat does not paraphrase, gabble, abbreviate or censor. At end of message sign off with:
Message ends.
* * *
REMEMBER: A MESSAGE RAT IS PROFESSIONAL AT ALL TIMES.
* * *
Be proud of your Service.
ZONE PRICING
ZONE 1: Inside the Castle wall
Outward Message only.….….….……1 penny
Outward Message and wait for reply (MAXIMUM OF TEN MINUTES’ WAIT)……2 pence
Next day Return Message….….….…. 3 pence
ZONE 2: Immediately outside the Castle wall as far as lower Farmlands, Infirmary. Not the Forest.
Outward Message only.….….….……2 pence
Outward Message and wait for reply (MAXIMUM OF TEN MINUTES’ WAIT)……4 pence
Next day Return Message….….….…. 6 pence
ZONE 3: The Port (BY SCHEDULED PORT BARGE ONLY). Positively no stop-offs for the Marram Marshes.
Outward Message only.….….….….. 10 pence
Outward Message and wait for reply. (MAXIMUM OF TEN MINUTES’ WAIT)….….….……20 pence
Next day Return Message….….……. 30 pence
ZONES 4, 5, 6 AND 7: The Forest, the Sheeplands, the Badlands, Marram Marshes. No night messages accepted.
Outward Message only.….….Price on application
Outward Message and wait for reply (MAXIMUM OF FIFTEEN MINUTES’ WAIT)…..Price on application
Next day Return Message…Price on application
Please refer all requests for messages to these areas to the duty office rat. They are no longer accepted as a matter of course.
DISPATCHES FROM THE OLD MESSAGE RAT OFFICE
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: RETURN MESSAGE
FROM: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER, ZELDA ZANUBA HEAP @ KEEPER’S COTTAGE, DRAGGEN ISLAND, MARRAM MARSHES
TO: PRINCESS JENNA @ THE PALACE, THE CASTLE
DEAR JENNA,
I WAS SO PLEASED TO RECEIVE YOUR LETTER! BERT AND I ENJOYED READING IT VERY MUCH INDEED. I AM GETTING A REPLY STRAIGHT BACK TO YOU. EXCUSE ME IF IT IS A LITTLE RUSHED, BUT THE
RAT WILL ONLY WAIT FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MESSAGE RAT SERVICE IS COMING TO.
I AM SO PLEASED THAT YOU AND YOUR PARENTS ARE ADJUSTING WELL TO LIFE IN THE PALACE. IT MUST SEEM VERY BIG AFTER YOUR COZY ROOM IN THE RAMBLINGS. I DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE UPSET THAT YOUR ROOM HAS BEEN EMPTIED WHILE YOU WERE AWAY AND I AM SO SORRY THEY TOOK YOUR TEDDY. BUT I AM SURE MR. TED WILL BE ALL RIGHT AND I REALLY DON’T THINK ANYONE WOULD HAVE THROWN HIM ON THE RUBBISH DUMP, WHATEVER THEY DID WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. YOU COULD ASK MARCIA TO DO A FIND—OR, ON SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE NOT. BUT ONE DAY SEPTIMUS WILL BE ABLE TO DO ONE FOR YOU.
AND IMAGINE YOU WANTING A PONY! I AM AFRAID I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PONIES, BUT I THINK YOUR FATHER KNOWS OF SOME GOOD STABLES IN THE FARMLANDS.
I AM VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR VISIT AT MIDSUMMER DAY.
ALL MY LOVE, AUNT ZELDA XXX
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: OUTWARD MESSAGE ONLY
FROM: ALICE NETTLES @ WAREHOUSE NUMBER NINE, THE PORT
TO: ALTHER MELLA, DECEASED @ THE HOLE IN THE WALL TAVERN
DEAREST ALTHER,
I HAVE JUST HEARD THE WONDERFUL NEWS—THAT MURDERING VILLAIN HAS FLED THE CASTLE ALONG WITH ALL HIS CRONIES. ABOUT TIME TOO, ALTHOUGH OF COURSE IT IS FAR TOO LATE FOR SOME PEOPLE. SO SAD WHAT HAS HAPPENED…
WE HAD A TERRIBLE STORM HERE A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AND PARTS OF THE PORT WERE FLOODED. ONE WAREHOUSE WAS BREACHED AND THE ENTIRE STOCK OF BONDED GOODS WAS LOOTED—OR “RECLAIMED™ BY THE OWNER I SUSPECT.
I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU FOR A WHILE AND I DO WONDER IF YOU HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE ABOVE EVENTS? DO TELL. I SHALL BE IN THE BLUE ANCHOR ON FRIDAY AFTER WORK.
YOURS FOREVER, ALICE XX
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: OUTWARD MESSAGE
FROM: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER EXTRAORDINARY WIZARD @ THE WIZARD TOWER
TO: TERRY TARSAL @ TARSAL’S FINE BOOTS AND SHOES, OFF WIZARD WAY
DEAR MR. TARSAL,
PLEASE FINISH PREPARING MY NEW PAIR OF SHOESAS SOON AS POSSIBLE. THIS IS A MATTER OF EXTREME URGENCY. MY NEW APPRENTICE HAS MISTAKENLY TURNED MY PRESENT PAIR INTO HOBNAIL BOOTS. WITH EVERLASTING MUD.
I SHALL COLLECT THE NEW PAIR THIS AFTERNOON.
REGARDS, MADAM MARCIA OVERSTRAND, EXTRAORDINARY WIZARD
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: RETURN MESSAGE
FROM: TERRY TARSAL @ TARSAL’S FINE BOOTS AND SHOES, OFF WIZARD WAY
TO: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER EXTRAORDINARY WIZARD @ THE WIZARD TOWER
DEAR MADAM,
I REGRET WE ARE CLOSED TODAY FOR STOCK-TAKING.
ASSURING YOU, MADAM, OF OUR BEST SERVICE, TERRY TARSAL, MASTER BOOT AND SHOEMAKER
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: RETURN RETURN MESSAGE URGENT
FROM: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER EXTRAORDINARY WIZARD @ THE WIZARD TOWER
TO: TERRY TARSAL @ TARSAL’S FINE BOOTS AND SHOES, OFF WIZARD WAY
DEAR MR. TARSAL,
IF THIS RAT REACHES YOU BEFORE I DO, YOU WILL BE FORTUNATE. I SHALL BE ALONG TO COLLECT MY SHOES FORTHWITH.
MADAM MARCIA OVERSTRAND, EXTRAORDINARY WIZARD
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: OUTWARD MESSAGE. MESSAGE UNABLE TO BE DELIVERED. INCORRECT/INEX ACT ADDRESS. RETURN FEE INCURRED.
FROM: LUCY GRINGE @ NORTH GATE GATEHOUSE
TO: SIMON HEAP @ THE BADLANDS
DEAREST SIMON,
I AM LOST WITHOUT YOU. I WILL WAIT ON THE QUAY EVERY EVENING UNTIL YOU ARRIVE. I LOVE YOU.
YOURS FOREVER, LUCY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: OUTWARD MESSAGE
FROM: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER, EXTRAORDINARY WIZARD @ THE WIZARD TOWER
TO: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER, ZELDA ZANUBA HEAP @ KEEPER’S COTTAGE, DRAGGEN ISLAND, MARRAM MARSHES
MY DEAR ZELDA,
THAT IS NOT MY TOOTHBRUSH! I HAVE RETURNED IT TO YOU FOUR TIMES NOW AND I GIVE UP. I WILL DONATE IT TO THE ASYLUM FOR DISTRESSED PERSONS. I AM SURE THEY WILL BE PLEASED TO HAVE IT.
REGARDS, MARCIA OVERSTRAND, EXTRAORDINARY WIZARD
P.S. SEPTIMUS HAS REQUESTED YOU TO SEND HIM A CABBAGE SANDWICH. I TOLD HIM THAT GIVEN THE INEFFICIENCY OF THE RIVER POST AND PACKET COMPANY IT WOULD BE STALE BY THE TIME IT ARRIVED, BUT HE SAYS THE SANDWICHES TASTE EVEN BETTER STALE. PLEASE NOTE THAT THE PASSING-ON OF THIS MESSAGE DOES NOT INDICATE APPROVAL.
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: RETURN MESSAGE
FROM: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER, ZELDA ZANU BA HEAP @ KEEPER’S COTTAGE, DRAGGEN ISLAND, MARRAM MARSHES
TO: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER, EXTRAORDINARY WIZARD @ THE WIZARD TOWER
DEAR MARCIA,
PLEASE DO NOT DISTRESS YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR TOOTHBRUSH. I QUITE UNDERSTAND. I WOULD BE EMBARRASSED TOO.
YOURS, ZELDA
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: ADDITIONAL MESSAGE AT REDUCED RATE
FROM: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER, ZELDA ZANUBA HEAP @ KEEPER’S COTTAGE, DRAGGEN ISLAND, MARRAM MARSHES
TO: SEPTIMUS HEAP, EXTRAORDINARY APPRENTICE @ THE WIZARD TOWER
DEAREST SEPTIMUS,
JUST TO LET YOU KNOW, I WILL SEND THE REQUESTED CABBAGE SANDWICH VIA THE RIVER POST AND PACKET COMPANY. I BELIEVE THEIR ESTIMATED DELIVERY TIME IS TEN DAYS. IT SHOULD BE JUST RIGHT BY THEN!
I DO HOPE ALL IS GOING WELL FOR YOU AT THE WIZARD TOWER. YOU ARE A VERY BRAVE BOY. DON’T WORK TOO HARD. I THINK OF YOU OFTEN.
ALL MY LOVE, AUNT ZELDA XXX
* * *
* * *
MESSAGE STATUS: OUTWARD MESSAGE
FROM: PRIVILEGE ACCOUNT HOLDER, ZELDA ZANUBA HEAP @ KEEPER’S COTTAGE, DRAGGEN ISLAND, MARRAM MARSHES
TO: SARAH HEAP @ THE PALACE, THE CASTLE
DEAREST SARAH,
THIS IS A TRULY TERRIBLE BUSINESS WITH NICKO. IT IS PROBABLY OF LITTLE COMFORT TO YOU, BUT ALTHOUGH UNFORTUNATELY I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT I HAVE SENSED HIS PRESENCE ANYWHERE, I DO FEEL CERTAIN HE IS NOT DEAD. AS YOU REQUESTED, I ATTEMPTED A SCRYING AT THE FULL MOON AND SAW NOTHING BUT WHITE. IT WAS MOST ODD. I DID WONDER AFTERWARD IF I WAS SEEING A WHITE MIST OR SNOW, BUT THAT IS OF LITTLE USE NOW. IT IS A CONUNDRUM. IT IS AS THOUGH HE IS HERE AND YET NOT HERE. ALIVE AND YET NOT—NO NO, I WILL NOT GO ON. THE TRUTH OF IT IS, SARAH DEAR, I HAVE NO ANSWERS.
PLEASE SEND MY LOVE TO JENNA AND SEPTIMUS, AND TO POOR SILAS.
WITH LOVE, AUNT ZELDA XXX
* * *
THE EGG-ON-TOAST RESTAURANT GUIDE
EATING OUTSIDE THE CASTLE
Sally Mullin’s Tea and Ale House
PROPRIETOR: Miss Sally Mullin.
LOCATION: A new wooden building on the pontoon just above the Quay. Good river views are somewhat spoiled by the closeness of the amenity to the rubbish dump.
SERVICE: Good. Order at the counter and Sally or her assistant will bring it to you.
SPECIALTIES: Sally Mullin’s renowned barley cake and Springo Special Ale. The barley cake is a little heavy for some tastes and THE EGG-ON-TOAST RESTAURANT GUIDE advises that you treat the Springo Special Ale with caution.
MENU: Many varieties of barley cake, homemade hot pot, small selection of pies, baked potatoes, apple buns and an assortment of hot chocolate drinks and ales.
WE ATE: Barley cake and hot pot. My assistant had the Springo Special after being offered sausage pie.
COMMENTS: Very enjoyable. Miss Mullin can be a little talkative.
The Egg Box
PROPRIETOR: Ava Poltava.
LOCATION: Half a mile past the Grateful Turbot you will find a stone hut at the gate of the Chicken Farm—the first farm on the way to the Farmlands. Has yellow-and-white-striped awning on sunny days.
SERVICE: Friendly, although a little slow at chicken-feeding times.
SPECIALTIES: Soft poached egg in a freshly baked bun.
MENU: Anything to do with eggs, including one hundred varieties of
omelette.
WE ATE: Eggy bread washed down with a glass of eggnog.
COMMENTS: Fine, as long as you like eggs and don’t mind the occasional peck.
The Grateful Turbot Tavern
PROPRIETOR: Mr. Dan T. Specter and Mrs. P. Geist.
LOCATION: Just across the One Way Bridge on the other side of the river.
SERVICE: A little gloomy but reasonably efficient.
SPECIALTIES: None.
MENU: Basic food.
WE ATE: Obviously not the sausages. Bean dumplings with cabbage and fish.
COMMENTS: The fish was dubious and the authors of THE EGG-ON-TOAST RESTAURANT GUIDE were unwell that night. The inn had a very strange atmosphere. It felt particularly chilly beside the fire.
A NOTE FROM
The Editors
In this volume, you will find a collection of papers that will augment your knowledge of the Castle where the Heap family dwells, as well as papers from the Wizard Tower and the Palace. Many of these are excerpts from previously published works, such as the Pigeon Post Biography series, the Heaps of History series, and other popular pamphlets that have been widely distributed. You will also find some useful flyers and listings for popular destinations and restaurants as well as helpful maps.
