‘Can we look at what they say?’ I ask.
We click on the reviews and see hundreds of women describing what I’m feeling.
‘You could have written that one,’ says Patty as we read the first review.
I am a fifty-four-year-old woman who had lost all interest in sex since hitting middle age. I had to do something, as I was worried that my new man would give up on me. I don’t normally do this kind of thing but they worked and I am truly grateful.
‘Then that one definitely has your name on it,’ I counter pointing to another.
I’m fifty-seven years young and have always been irresistible to men. My mind is still willing but my body had started letting me down. Thanks to these tablets, I’m back to being irresistible and now have a twenty-three-year-old toy boy. They may work on less attractive people too.
We have a giggle imagining what she looks like. There are lots of people saying the same thing.
‘Shall we buy some for you?’ asks Patty.
‘I don’t know Patty, this just isn’t me.’
‘OK, so in the past few months,’ reasons Patty, ‘we’ve both found out that we’re not exactly the people we thought we were, haven’t we? I’m not a movie star and you’re not a femme fatale.’
I never ever thought that of myself and I’m not sure where this is going but I sense there’s a bargain about to be made.
‘So why don’t we make a pact. I will go on a diet to try to get my career on track and you will take these vitamins to see if they help your love life. No one need know.’
I blow out my cheeks. I can’t believe I’m about to do this but I nod and with a click it is done.
‘I’ve had them sent to my house, so I’ll pop them in when they arrive,’ says Patty. ‘Now is there anything left in that box of chocolates?’
‘What about the diet you’re starting?’
‘You’re so gullible; if they don’t love me as I am they can sod off. You can fill the glass up too while you’re at it.’
I fill both glasses to the brim and then drink mine far too quickly and start giggling. I can’t quite believe what I’ve done but I’m more than a little bit excited about it. Now I know what they mean by a placebo effect.
* * *
Two days later and Patty is back bearing a packet in a plain brown envelope. I take it from her and slip her a few notes – the deal is done. She leaves the scene with just a nod.
Back in the apartment I open the packet and read the instructions twice over, even the ones in Japanese. I’ll invite Michael over in a couple of days and I’ll be ready this time.
I’ll take the batteries out of that damned intercom for a start.
Give Peace a Chance
The packet instructions advise taking the supplements for a couple of weeks before the night of passion, so I’m doing as I’m told and come Monday, I think they’re starting to work even if it is all in my mind. The words of ‘Sex Bomb’ are on a never-ending loop in my head and I have to say, I had a new kind of glow about me in the bathroom mirror this morning. I only hope I’m not glowing so much that Charlie and Josie guess what I’m now dreaming about constantly. As it turns out, I’ve no need to worry about that. When I walk into the office, a warm sugary bliss stops me in my tracks. I look around to see the source of this bewitching aroma. Lorenzo is standing in the middle of the room with a big box in his hands while Josie, her arms stretched out either side of her, guards the PC screens as if trying to stop him copying her homework.
‘Er, hello,’ I say somewhat inadequately.
‘How can we help you?’ asks Charlie coming back from our kitchen with coffees in his hands.
Lorenzo puts the box down and opens the lid. Inside is a selection of freshly made cakes and pastries.
‘Perfect timing then,’ he says indicating the coffees.
Charlie hands Josie and me our drinks. I take my coat off but everything seems to be happening in slow motion at the moment and I don’t know what to do. ‘Sex Bomb’ has screeched to a stop and I feel as if I’m facing the male equivalent Snow White’s stepmother (her stepfather I guess, but I don’t think she had one of those). He’s holding out his equivalent of a delicious basket of juicy red apples and you know you’ll die horribly if you take a bite. Mind you, if I’d been in the story I could have resisted apples – that stepmother should have taken Snow White a bar of Galaxy. Anyway, it just feels wrong. Josie seems to have read my mind as she picks up one of the pastries and sniffs it. I know arsenic smells of almonds from the many murder mysteries I watch, but then again so do almonds and some of these have nut toppings, so I’m not sure what she’ll be able to tell with a sniff. Josie puts it down inconclusively.
‘They’re perfectly safe, I promise,’ smiles Lorenzo, picking it up and taking a big comedy-style bite which leaves icing on his nose. He leaves it on trying to get a laugh from one of us. He looks more sinister than comedic, so it doesn’t work. It takes Charlie to break our group silence and act professionally.
‘Thank you, they look delicious. So what can we do for you?’
Lorenzo sits on the edge of Josie’s desk; if she were a cat, her back would be arched and she’d be hissing.
‘I want to apologise,’ he says sounding quite genuine. ‘I think we’ve got off on the wrong foot and I wonder if we could start again, be comrades in business.’
Sideways glances pass between the three of us but we say nothing.
‘I know I’ve been a thorn in your side but it’s just how I was brought up,’ he continues. ‘When I was a boy growing up in Puglia, I always wanted to be an astronaut and thought when I was an adult I’d be flying in spaceships, travelling around the universe.’ He smiles at the memory. ‘And when I realised that wasn’t going to happen, I still wanted to explore, so I thought I’d open a travel agency and I had a vision of how it would look, I also knew I would call it Launch because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to that childhood dream.’
I’m not sure why he’s telling us any of this but I’m very curious to find out more, so I follow Charlie’s lead and sit down to hear the rest of this tale. He’d already told us his family were Italian, which explains why Peter hasn’t heard of the name; I wonder if he has any contacts in Puglia and can do more digging.
‘My dad was a hugely successful businessman and he always encouraged me to follow my dreams, although he didn’t think I had it in me to make it as an entrepreneur. He always said I was too soft, that I didn’t have the cut-throat competitiveness I’d need. He died before I could show him he was wrong, that I could make it work. I started Launch with the money he left me, so it has to be a success for his sake.’
He pauses and I’m sure this is the part we’re supposed to say something so I give it a go. ‘Sorry to hear about your dad,’ I tell him.
He nods his appreciation. ‘Thank you, although actually it’s sort of his fault I behaved the way I did. If he’d had a competitor he would have tried to take them out straight away. I wanted to show him I do have what it takes, but it’s not the only way to do business and I apologise.’
What can we say now we know it’s about a childhood dream and a dead father haunting him from beyond the grave? Even if it’s all a bit convenient, he’s made the effort to talk to us and perhaps this means we can both get on with competing fairly.
‘Apology accepted,’ I say holding out my hand and getting a furious glance from Josie; his story obviously hasn’t tugged at her heartstrings at all.
‘Puglia?’ says Charlie. ‘I’ve been there – it’s very beautiful. I have to say you don’t sound very Italian, actually I can’t place your accent at all.’
‘That’s not surprising,’ replies Lorenzo. ‘We left Italy when I was very young and with Dad’s business we moved around an awful lot, but you might be hearing a bit of Brum.’
‘That’s it,’ declares Charlie. ‘I couldn’t place it but it’s Birmingham.’
‘I’ve got a Brummy friend staying and I just pick up accents
so easily.’
I’ve always had an irrational hatred of people who say this. OK, so he might be telling the truth, but it sounds so phoney. To me it’s like saying, ‘Oh wow, I’m so cosmopolitan.’
‘What’s that shopping centre in Birmingham?’ coughs Josie, ‘Bull…’
I throw her a look, despite agreeing with her – it’s best for us all to get back to acting professionally, although that doesn’t mean being a complete walkover.
‘What you’ve been doing is unfair,’ I tell him. ‘Even if we were in the wrong not protecting the email addresses, you were wrong to use them. And your discounting is completely unsustainable – surely you know that by now. If we’re going to work alongside each other then you have to stop all of this.’
‘I will,’ he says placing his hand on heart. ‘Lo prometto – I promise.’
He offers to help us in any way he can as recompense but we can’t think of anything he can do for us.
‘Do you want me to look at your technology, see if I can offer any upgrades?’ he asks.
We all simultaneously shout ‘No’ and shake our heads vigorously. Despite this new truce, we’re not letting him anywhere near our computers.
‘There is one thing,’ says Charlie. ‘You can tell the newspaper to allow us to start advertising again.’
‘I will ring them as soon as I get back to Launch,’ says Lorenzo. ‘In fact there is only one more week’s advertising paid for, so I will give it to you for free as my apology.’
‘That’s extremely generous,’ says Charlie. ‘We accept your offer and in this spirit of reconciliation, we’d be happy to do a favour for you.’
I may have offered a hand of friendship but I hadn’t been about to offer any favours and Josie looks positively furious with Charlie. Lorenzo pounces on the offer before he gets the chance to rescind it.
‘Actually there is,’ he says smiling. ‘I’ve got a local news interview at lunchtime and I’d like to show how we’re getting on as two local businesses in a tough market. Maybe Josie could be in the interview too, to represent your side of the story.’
‘No way,’ protests Josie, and I have to say my Spidey-sensors are flashing red, but if this is the gesture that would just mean us all getting back to respectful business, I’m not going to say no. I’ll do it myself if I have to.
‘I know I’ve been worst behaved towards you Josie and I’m completely and utterly sorry,’ continues Lorenzo. His hands are now cupped in a begging gesture. ‘But you’re right, I have a lot to learn and it would make me feel so much more confident in front of the cameras.’
‘Garbage,’ mutters Josie.
‘She’d be happy to,’ says Charlie, giving her a nudge.
‘Thank you so much,’ replies Lorenzo walking towards her and taking her hand, well trying to because as soon as he does she pulls it away as if she’s been burned, which I guess we all have by this guy. He says his goodbyes and leaves the shop, taking the biggest and creamiest pastry with him as he goes.
Although I think we might all end up like the frog that was stung by the scorpion in a real-life version of Aesop’s fable, I can’t let Josie see that. I try to reassure her.
‘Come on girl,’ I say, ‘it won’t be all that bad. Just make sure you’re interviewed, too, and that you mention Mercury.’
‘I can’t believe you’re letting me do this never mind forcing me to,’ exclaims Josie.
‘We can’t keep looking over our shoulders,’ I reply. ‘If half an hour’s worth of interview means we can get back to business as usual then it’ll be worth it.’
‘But don’t worry,’ adds Charlie, ‘we still don’t trust him. You know what they say – keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’
‘Yeah, I’ll have a dig around while I’m there,’ says Josie, ‘try to get some info on how he’s doing and what trips he’s planning.’
They high-five their pact of espionage and then we all get back to work. The remainder of the pastries now seem rather unsavoury, so they remain untouched. I imagine they’ll stay that way unless my mother or Patty decides to pay us a visit.
* * *
The hour of the interview arrives far too quickly and Josie, who has been clock-watching all day, sighs then gets up and is about to head off without making any effort to tidy up.
‘I’m not putting slap on for him,’ she tells us.
‘It’s not for him, you’re representing us; now go and have a lovely long lunch afterwards,’ I tell her cupping her face and applying some lipstick to her petulant pout. She leaves the shop as if we’ve asked her to walk the plank into shark-infested waters.
The interview will be on the local business lunchtime programme, so we’ll have to see it on catch-up as the shop is usually busiest then. Josie doesn’t come straight back, which I hope means she’s building some useful bridges or enjoying that lunch. Come early afternoon when we’re having our coffee break, Charlie and I turn on iPlayer and gather round, curious about what Lorenzo will say; Peter walks into the store just as it’s about to start. The story gets a headline mention before Lorenzo even appears, with the presenter telling us that we’re about to see an interview with a local businessman who’s donating 5 per cent of his profits to helping young carers go on holiday.
‘We all need a break,’ says Lorenzo to the camera when the interview starts. ‘These young people work incredibly hard and most of it is invisible, I know from caring for my dad.’
Apologies, reconciliation and now holidays for young people? Have I got this guy completely wrong? Is he actually a saint? Charlie puts his fingers down his throat pretending to gag.
I ignore him and continue watching. The interviewer tells him this is such a generous thing to do and asks him how business is going.
‘Well, things are always tough in travel, especially for the small players,’ replies Lorenzo, ‘but I think we’ve got a pretty unique proposition here.’
He puts his arm out to show the shop, which is filled with bearded hipsters and trendy young women using the iPads and flicking images of the exotic locations on to the screens. The interviewer asks one of the customers what he thinks of Launch.
‘Yeah, it’s really cool,’ says the customer, ‘good to see someone actually maxing out the technology that’s available but making it so easy you don’t need to be a geek to use it.’
Lorenzo does that punchy-handshake thing with him and turns back to the camera.
‘It’s not about the technology though, that just makes the booking process a little bit easier. The unique thing about us is the number of ideas we come up with. We’re not just a sand, sea and sangria business – we want to inspire people to travel and have adventures.’
He signals Josie to join him; her reluctance looks more like nervousness in front of the camera than the distaste we know she feels for him. Charlie and I simultaneously inhale deeply hoping she gets the chance to mention us.
‘And this is the lady who’s been coming up with ideas for years,’ says Lorenzo. I’ve gone cold – you know that feeling when you watch a glass that is about to fall to the ground and smash to pieces but you just can’t reach it in time? I feel it now.
‘And we’re delighted she’s here,’ he concludes before giving her a hug then pushing her gently out of shot. For the brief moment she’s on TV, our open-mouthed Josie has been stunned into silence. The interview over, we look at each other puzzled.
‘Did that just sound the way I think it did?’ I ask the others.
‘It certainly did,’ replies Peter. ‘I need to find out a bit more about this guy.’
I call Josie immediately and she answers in tears. ‘I’m so sorry, I’ve messed up again, it sounded as if I worked for him, didn’t it?’ she says, and I assure her I didn’t think that at all – although that’s exactly what it did sound like.
‘You’d be better off without me cocking things up every time I open my mouth.’
‘You didn’t get the chance to open your mouth,’ I te
ll her, wishing I were with her and able to give her a big hug. ‘Forget the interview, did you find out anything?’
‘Well, everyone claiming to be a customer that night was being paid to be there,’ she tells me through the sobs. ‘Recruited from the bar next door to come and play on the technology for an hour.’
That’s reassuring at least, although it was another painful lesson. I don’t know what Richard would say about competing with someone who plays dirty but I’m sure he wouldn’t let them walk all over him. The time for ‘Respect’ is well and truly over.
‘We’ve all been played,’ I tell Josie, ‘so the only thing we can do is to try to sleep tonight then be ready for battle tomorrow, because we will win this, I’m more determined than ever.’
‘When we win that Formentera bid, we’ll be leagues above him. I wish we had it now,’ she says.
‘We can only fight with the weapons we have,’ I tell her, worried that we’ll all just give up if we don’t win.
After a few more calming words, I tell her to try to relax for the day, then put the phone down. Josie was right: we do need another weapon in our armoury even if we don’t win the bid. I need to give my dad a call to ask how he’s getting on with the treasure trail.
The phone rings a few times and I can picture the debate between Mum and Dad about who’s going to answer it. I pray it’ll be Dad so I don’t have to explain to Mum why I don’t want to talk to her this afternoon. My prayers are answered.
‘Hi sweetheart,’ he says. ‘I’ve just seen that competitor of yours on the news. What’s he up to then? Josie hasn’t gone to work for him has she?’
I sigh as this pretty much confirms the impression that many more people will be getting from the interview.
‘No she hasn’t but he is proving a bit of a nuisance. That’s why I’m calling. The treasure trail isn’t ready by any chance, is it?’
The Heat Is On Page 16
