by Guy Morpuss
Underneath, Alex is dressed in a white linen suit with a black shirt. I am wearing a low-cut red dress that stops at mid-thigh. I reach down to pull it lower, but it doesn’t have much effect. Why have I chosen to wear this in the game, when I’d never do so in real life? I feel half naked. I glance up and catch Alex looking down the front of my dress. He says nothing, but raises an eyebrow.
‘Piss off,’ I say, straightening up awkwardly. I’m not enjoying this. Alex’s teasing look isn’t helping. It may be a game but I don’t like him seeing me this way. ‘Let’s get on with it.’
We take the lift to Level Two and emerge into a brightly lit lobby. There are passengers milling around, and a few uniformed crew members. As we pause to get our bearings, one of them hurries over to us.
‘Mr Du Bois, Ms Weston, they are waiting for you.’
‘What? Who?’ Alex asks.
‘You are needed in the theatre,’ he says impatiently. ‘Come on.’ He turns away. As I start to follow him, Alex grabs my arm.
‘We don’t have time for this, Kate.’
‘I think we do,’ I say. ‘This must be part of the game. Let’s at least see where he’s taking us. We might be able to find a way to the bridge.’
Alex looks unconvinced, but lets go of me.
The crew member leads us to an unmarked door, and buzzes it open. There is a narrow corridor beyond, which ends in a door. He knocks.
‘Can we get to the bridge from here?’ I ask.
He looks puzzled. ‘Not from here. You don’t have time for that now anyway. Maybe afterwards I can show you, if the captain says yes. We’re late already.’
The door is opened by a man dressed in a bright purple suit with a ruffled white shirt and a purple bow tie. ‘You’re late,’ he says. ‘Come in. Quickly now, show’s about to start.’
The room beyond is small, with two couches and a door in the opposite wall.
‘What is this?’ I ask.
‘You’ll be on in a moment. Just follow my lead.’
Before we can react he takes a deep breath, opens the other door, and steps through. We hear a round of applause. Alex and I peer around the door.
We are blinded by bright lights shining down on to a stage. Though it is hard to see beyond the lights, there appears to be an audience. There are small black objects fluttering about, which I realise are camera drones.
The man has walked over to a podium in the centre of the stage. There are two smaller ones on either side. He holds up one hand and waits for the applause to subside.
‘Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and others in between! Tonight, as on every night for the next two weeks, our broadcast of Coupled Up is brought to you live from the Queen of Circinus, the newest and largest of the Circinus Lines’ cruise ships. If you want to see the galaxies in comfort and style then come travel with us. For the next two weeks all prizes are kindly sponsored by Circinus Lines, and,’ he pauses, ‘are doubled in value!’ Someone cheers, and there is a round of applause.
‘Tonight we have a record audience. We are currently being broadcast to over two and a half billion viewers!’ Again there is loud applause.
‘I am your host of Coupled Up, Jackson James. So … let’s get coupling!’ The audience cheers and claps.
‘Let’s welcome to the show our first couple. They will be playing for a special prize tonight.’ He lifts a small box from his podium and shows it to the audience. ‘They’ve come a long way to be here, so please make them welcome. Our young lovers … Alex and Kate!’ He turns towards us and waves us on.
‘What do we do?’ whispers Alex.
‘That’s got to be the key to the bridge,’ I say. ‘That’s why we’ve been brought here to play whatever this is. We need to go along with it.’
‘Come on,’ Jackson says. ‘Don’t be shy now!’ A slow handclap starts to go round the audience.
I step through the door and walk over to him. He greets me with a big smile, kisses me on both cheeks, and directs me to the podium to his left. He welcomes Alex with a handshake and sends him to his right.
A camera drone flutters in front of me. It seems to be trying to look down the front of my dress. I try to swat it away, but it dodges my blow. I know this isn’t real but my legs are going to collapse at any moment. It all feels deeply unpleasant. Despite what the arenas say about privacy I suspect that we are being watched by hundreds of creeps on illegal streams.
But if we don’t play along we’re going to lose the game.
Jackson turns back to the audience.
‘I’m sure we all know the rules, but for our new viewers a quick reminder. In the first two rounds our couple have the chance to maximise the time that they will have for the final round. They will start with one minute, but that is probably not enough. Alex and Kate must use the first two rounds to win more time. Win the final round, and win the prize. Lose, and walk away with nothing. Winning depends upon how well they know each other, and how much they think alike.
‘By the end of the game we find out whether they are Coupled Up or …’ He gestures to the audience.
‘UNCOUPLED!’ they shout back.
Jackson turns to me. ‘So, Kate, how long have the two of you been a couple?’
I sense that ‘we are not a couple’ or ‘twenty-five years’ is not going to be the right answer. ‘Uh … six months or so,’ I say.
‘And how well do you think you know each other?’
‘I guess that’s what we are going to find out.’ I glance across at Alex, who is looking bemused.
Jackson turns to him. ‘What about you, Alex? Do you know Kate well?’
He looks embarrassed, and smiles weakly. ‘I … I’d like to think so, yes.’
‘Well, we will start things off gently,’ says Jackson. ‘For the first round we’re going to ask each of you four questions about the other. For each one you get right, you gain five seconds in the final round. Write your answers on the screens in front of you, and they will be revealed together. Are you ready to start?’
We both nod.
‘OK. The first four questions are about Alex. Question 1: If Alex could have a superpower, what would it be?’
Really? What is this crap? I have no idea. I glance across at Alex. Obedient as ever, he has his head down and is writing something on his screen.
Jackson catches my eye. ‘No peeking now,’ he says. ‘What’s your answer, Kate?’
Somewhat desperately, I write ‘Power of Flight’.
‘Let’s see your answers!’ Jackson cries.
Alex has written ‘Reading Minds’. Not a great start.
‘Never mind,’ says Jackson. ‘There’s still plenty to play for. Question 2: How would Alex least like to die?’
I think back to Alex’s recent game, where he complained about nearly drowning. That ought to be fresh in his mind. I write that down. Alex puts ‘Burning’. I glare at him, and he shrugs.
‘Never mind, Kate,’ says Jackson. ‘That’s two swings and two misses, but let’s try and hit this one out of the park! Question 3: What was the name of Alex’s first girlfriend?’
Well that one’s easy. We both write ‘Emily’.
‘Yes!’ says Jackson. ‘We have a match!’ The audience cheers. Jackson pauses. ‘So Kate, who is Emily?’
I hesitate. We don’t want to be going there. ‘Just a girlfriend,’ I say. ‘A while ago.’
‘Never mind. As one door closes another opens, eh Alex?’ says Jackson. ‘That’s why you’re here with the gorgeous Kate instead! Let’s move on to something a little more risqué. Question 4: what is Alex’s biggest sexual fantasy? Remember, answer honestly if you want a chance of winning.’
This is not going well. How am I supposed to know? I look across desperately at Alex, but he is staring down at his screen.
‘Come on, Kate, is it that difficult?’ asks Jackson. ‘Or are there so many that you can’t choose?’
If Alex is being clever he’ll be asking himself what I might put. I remember Mo
ntreal. There’s only one possibility. I write: ‘Sex in the Woods’. Alex has written ‘Outdoors’.
‘Close enough,’ says Jackson. ‘So, Alex, has this fantasy been realised?’ Alex looks awkward, and starts stammering an answer. Jackson interrupts. ‘Perhaps best not to ask. It might not have been with Kate! Let’s move on and see if Alex knows more about Kate than she did about him! We’ll start with an easy one: what is Kate’s favourite food?’
We both put ‘chocolate chip cookies’, and earn five seconds and another cheer from the audience.
‘Question 2: What is Kate’s biggest fear?’
I put ‘Chaos’. Alex puts ‘Losing Control’.
‘What do we think?’ says Jackson. ‘Close enough?’ He pauses for a moment, as though consulting with someone. ‘All right, we will let you have that one. Question 3: If Kate had a warning label, would it say ‘What you see is what you get’ or ‘Still waters run deep’?’
We both write ‘Still Waters’.
‘Well done, Alex, you seem to know Kate rather better than she knows you!’ Jackson grins at me. ‘So, Question 4: Suppose that I offered Kate a kilogram of gold – universal currency, she could go out and buy a small spacecraft with that – would she …’ he pauses, ‘would Kate, for a kilo of gold, run naked across the stage?’ The audience laughs. ‘Remember, answer honestly, Kate, if you want to win.’
I hesitate, then write my answer.
We both answer ‘Yes’. I’m blushing. Someone in the audience whistles. I don’t look at Alex.
‘So,’ says Jackson, smiling, ‘we learned something new about the innocent-looking Kate. Well we did. Alex already knew that, it seems.’ Jackson stops for a moment, then reaches down beside his podium. ‘Well, as it happens Kate, I have a kilo of gold right here …’ The audience laughs again and cheers. My heart stops. ‘I’m just teasing, Kate. That dress leaves little enough to the imagination as it is!’
I’m beginning to seriously dislike him. And this show. I know it’s not real, but that doesn’t make it any better.
I catch Alex’s eye. He looks as appalled as I feel. I’m sure he’s cross with me for making us take part. But we don’t have a choice if we want to get to the bridge.
‘Let’s move on,’ says Jackson. ‘At the end of the first round you got six questions right, earning you thirty seconds. Alex showed that he knows his partner perfectly; Kate less so. In the first round it was about how well you know one another. In the second round it’s about how much you think the same. There are three questions. For each one you get right you earn ten seconds. Are you ready?’
I nod.
‘Question 1: Kate and Alex, you are sailing in a yacht – just the two of you – past a beautiful forested island. You are lying on deck in your swimsuits taking in some sun. But suddenly you hit a reef and your yacht starts sinking. You can swim to the island and just have time to grab two items to take with you. Of these five items, which will you take: a bottle of water, some food, a gun, a firelighter, or a bag of clothes? Remember, no conferring. Choose quickly!’ He turns to the audience. ‘We can probably discount the clothes. We know where Kate stands on that.’ They laugh.
He’s really pissing me off now.
‘Sorry Kate,’ he says. ‘But I just can’t get that image out of my head!’
I ignore him. It’s a forested island, so there’s bound to be water. Probably also food of some sort. Surely fire is top of the list. Will Alex think that? And – however much this may satisfy Jackson’s lewd asides – I wouldn’t care about wandering round in a swimsuit. Would we need a gun?
‘Are there any wild—’ I start asking, but he interrupts me.
‘Sorry, Kate, but I ask the questions, not you. That’s all the information you have. Five more seconds to answer.’
I scribble ‘fire’ and ‘gun’ on the screen. Alex has done the same.
‘Well done!’ says Jackson. ‘So, you get to the island.’ He pauses. ‘And here we see the loving couple on the beach.’ There are sniggers from the audience, and I look behind me to see a screen at the back of the stage displaying a mock-up of a surprisingly well-toned Alex with an arm around me. I’m wearing a bikini that appears to involve impressive engineering with the minimum possible use of material. Alex’s trunks are skimpy too. And packed out.
For God’s sake.
I want to punch Jackson on the nose. I’m sure Alex can tell what I’m thinking. He shakes his head and grimaces. I’m hoping he can hold it together long enough to stay on stage and win. If he storms off now, as I know he wants to, we lose.
‘So, Question 2,’ says Jackson. ‘You see smoke in the distance and find a path through the jungle heading in that direction. Unfortunately you have barely managed half a mile when Alex steps into a hole and breaks his ankle. Darkness is falling. As you are trying to decide what to do you hear footsteps on the path. Before you can hide you are met by an improbably handsome islander, who tells you that he lives in a house an hour’s walk away.’
The audience laughs. I turn round to see onscreen my scantily clad alter ego gazing up at a muscular blonde man, while Alex lies on the ground. I clench my fists.
‘So,’ continues Jackson. ‘He tells you that he saw your yacht sink and came to help. He offers to take Kate back to his house and look after her for the night.’ He pauses and winks at me. ‘Of course he does. He says that he and some friends will come back for Alex in the morning. What do you do? Decide that Kate goes with him, as there is no point in both of you spending a miserable night out in the jungle? Or send him on his way and stay together?’
In real life I have no doubt what the answer would be. Alex was the idiot who stuck his foot down the rabbit hole. He can survive a night in the forest. A bit of discomfort might make him more careful next time. I’m sure I can fend off the island Lothario for a night. But that’s not the real question. What will Alex expect me to answer? After some hesitation, I write ‘stay’.
So does Alex.
‘It’s going well so far,’ says Jackson. ‘Love triumphs over lust! So, to Question 3. The islander does return in the morning, but when you get to his house you discover that all is not what it seems. He’s operating a drug-smuggling business. He offers to have you both flown to a hospital on the mainland, but only if Alex agrees to wear a plaster-cast made out of cocaine. You’ll be rescued, but you’ll be smuggling drugs. While he leaves you to decide you see an opportunity to steal a vehicle and escape into the jungle. You’ll be together, but there’s no knowing when or if you will be able to get off the island. What do you do?’
Well, I suppose at least this one doesn’t involve photos of me in bikinis. Small mercies. I’m a pragmatist. I’d be off the island in a shot, cocaine or no cocaine. But Alex isn’t. He believes in rules, and he’s scared of breaking them. I know what he’ll say.
We both write that we would escape into the jungle.
‘Love triumphs again!’ says Jackson. ‘And virtue is rewarded. Two days later you are rescued by a cruise ship and wined and dined all the way home.’
I look behind me and there is a picture of the two of us sitting by a swimming pool drinking champagne. The design of my swimsuit may have changed, but its surface area has not. I sigh. The audience whoops.
‘And that’s the end of Round 2!’ says Jackson. ‘You gained thirty seconds in Round 1, out of a possible forty, and the full thirty seconds in Round 2. We add that to your one minute start time for Round 3, giving you two minutes. That’s pretty good! Please step this way!’
As he ushers us to one side of the stage he takes the opportunity to place a hand in the small of my back to guide me. Then it slides lower. And squeezes. For a moment I freeze in disbelief. Then I grab his hand and press my thumb hard into the inside of his wrist. I feel something crunch, and he tries to suppress a squeal. His smile slips.
I step away from him as the podiums sink into the stage.
Jackson turns back to the audience and coughs. He is discreetly trying to rub h
is injured wrist. ‘While we set up for Round 3,’ he says, ‘I should tell you that all of the designer swimwear that we have seen the beautiful Kate modelling …’ He hesitates for a moment, as though someone is communicating with him, and his smile fades slightly. ‘… and, of course, the handsome Alex too – is available for instant download and printing. Use the code “Coupled Up” and get an extra 10 per cent discount. This special offer is only available until the end of today’s show.’
As he speaks, a rectangular glass box descends on wires from above, and settles with a thump. Two black-clad stagehands detach the wires, which retract. One of them opens a glass door in the front of the box.
Jackson gestures for us to follow him.
‘So, Round 3,’ he says. ‘Where you start coupled up and need to get …’ He points to the crowd.
‘UNCOUPLED!’ they shout.
I don’t have a good feeling about it.
‘Please, step inside,’ says Jackson.
The glass box is about one metre square and three metres high. Alex walks in and is positioned by the stagehands facing inwards. I follow, and am told to face Alex. They lock a belt round each of our waists, with a metal loop at the back. I am told to put my arms round Alex. Before I know what is happening, my wrists have been cuffed together. As I try to pull them up I realise that the chain has been tied through the loop on the back of Alex’s belt. Swiftly they cuff Alex in the same way. We are pulled together, my eyes level with Alex’s chin.
I don’t like this. Judging by the rest of the show I suppose I should be grateful that they didn’t ask me to strip to my underwear first.
I look up. There is a key hanging from the roof of the box. It’s a good metre above our heads, and I don’t see how we are going to reach it while tied up.
The stagehands move away, and Jackson steps up to the door.
‘So here we are,’ he says. ‘Kate and Alex, coupled up. You have two minutes to escape from the box if you are to win. The time will start when the door closes. The key to the door is up there.’ He points to the roof of the box. ‘The keys to your handcuffs are here.’ He holds them between his fingers. I try to twist towards him, to reach behind Alex to take them.
