by Guy Morpuss
‘No,’ she said again. ‘Stop it, Alex! Get away from me.’
Did she mean it? Hadn’t she felt what I’d felt when we were playing the games? I hesitated. Then I realised this wasn’t going to work. She wasn’t ready. I needed to be patient. I was going to ruin everything if I was too quick.
I turned sharply away, and sat on the edge of the bed, my back to her.
‘I’m sorry, Kate. This is stupid. Maybe it’s the adrenaline. The excitement. I’m not experienced at this.’
I felt her move on the bed and a hand rested lightly on my shoulder. I looked around.
‘Alex,’ said Kate. ‘I’m sorry, but you frightened me. This is wrong in so many ways.’
I nodded. ‘I understand. Sorry. We’re both in a state. You get some rest. I need to get some fresh air. I’ll be back soon.’
I left quickly. I was embarrassed. And frightened. Nothing was going as planned.
KATE
DAY FIVE
19:31–19:59
I woke feeling tired and dreamy. It was odd to wake from a real sleep, not the wrench from nothing to sudden existence in a schizo body. I’d never minded it much, but this was somehow more gentle.
I’d moved to another room after Alex left, printed some clothes, and made sure that the door locked. I wasn’t sure what had come over him.
Despite that I’d managed to fall asleep for a few hours. There were so many issues that I was blocking out of my mind that one more didn’t really matter: my stupid andi body, killing Sierra – not to mention the deaths of Mike and Ben. I’d put them all to one side for now.
I felt sorry for Alex. Deep down he was still the fat teenager being teased by Sierra. In some ways he had never grown up. Maybe his one chance to do so had been with Emily. But Sierra had ruined that.
I’d not heard from Alex. Maybe he was in a bar somewhere, too embarrassed to come back.
Just as I was beginning to worry where he’d got to I received a message.
Kate, sorry about earlier. I don’t know what came over me. Not sure where you’ve gone. If you want to talk, come join me on the roof. I promise to behave. Alex.
It sounded as though he had calmed down. And I was going to have to talk to him at some point.
OK, give me 5. K.
Out of habit I added a kiss, but quickly deleted it. That wasn’t going to help. Things had changed.
I skimmed through my messages. Only one was of interest. I had finally received a reply to my anonymous CGov query of two days ago, asking what happened if one member of a schizo died. I was about to put it aside for later. Then it occurred to me that if I ever hoped to get back into my real body there might be something in this that would help. Alex could wait.
Thank you for your enquiry. I am concerned that your query has been posted anonymously, as the idea of a single commune mind being erased outside a government facility is troubling. It would help to understand the circumstances of and reasons for your enquiry.
Nevertheless, in accordance with the Information Protocols I am required to answer. In that regard I can do no better than repeat what was previously posted by one of my colleagues in answer to a similar query.
There followed a link to an older post.
The answers to your questions are as follows:
1. It is not possible for members of a commune to expel one member, whether by majority or unanimous vote.
2. It is not possible for CGov to remove a member of a commune unless the member has committed a crime that requires erasure.
3. Commune members may, if sufficient cause is shown, petition CGov for temporary download into stasis for rehabilitation purposes.
4. If a commune member is removed or erased their time will automatically be shared amongst the remainder of the commune, commencing with the next cycle. In no circumstances will CGov seek to introduce a new member into the commune.
So that was a waste of time. It explained some of what had happened to us over the last few days, but didn’t give me any clues as to how to get back into my body.
I went up to join Alex.
•
A stairway led from the end of the corridor to a metal door. I pushed it open and stepped through. The roof was flat with a low wall running around the edge. One half was taken up by an empty plunge pool, now filled with dirt, rotting leaves and bits of rusty metal. A scattering of tables and chairs, mostly upended, filled the other half. Presumably this had once been the hotel’s roof garden.
I weaved my way between the debris to where Alex was standing with his back to me. Below us the park was shrouded in low-hanging mist. Just above it, between two high-rises, the sun was setting in an orange blaze.
Alex turned to me and smiled. Whatever madness had been driving him earlier had vanished from his eyes.
‘Kate, have a drink.’ A bottle of champagne stood on one of the tables, two glasses already poured. He handed me one and took the other. He righted one of the chairs and made an ineffectual attempt to dust it off with his clean hand. ‘Please, sit.’
I did so. He pulled up a chair for himself on the other side of the table.
‘I wanted to take one last look at the park before we leave,’ Alex said. ‘To say goodbye to the others.’
‘You leave,’ I gestured to my new body. ‘I can’t. I’ll be staying here with Mike and Ben. And Sierra.’
‘We’ll find a way,’ said Alex. ‘I’m not leaving without you. We’ll talk to Guskov again, and pay him to get you out.’
‘He made it pretty clear that he never wants to see us again. And the one person who could probably help us would be Dr Bernard. But I rather screwed that up, didn’t I? Besides, I want to be back in my own body. Back there with you.’
Alex reached across the table and took my hand. ‘I’m sorry. But you need to know that’s never going to happen. You remember that old government research paper you sent me? I’m guessing you didn’t read it.’
‘Not the whole thing. Just the summary. Why?’
‘I did. Most of it deals with the risks of moving minds out of schizos back to human or android bodies. But there’s more. Some of the schizos that were successfully unwound then decided that it had been a mistake. They wanted to recreate the commune, or start a different one. So they tried it. The success rate for that was zero. Instant madness. It’s something to do with taking the minds in and out of bodies too many times.’
‘That can’t be right,’ I say. ‘Sierra said it was possible. That was the whole point of the final game, so she could get her body back.’
‘Sierra lied to you. Or she didn’t know. You don’t have to take my word for it. Read the paper when you get the chance. It’s buried in the detail – footnote 27. There’s no doubt. I’m sorry, but we’ve got to face the truth. You’ve gone from human to schizo, then schizo to andi. The odds of a safe transfer back to schizo are non-existent.’
‘Fuck.’ Why were we sitting here drinking champagne? Sierra had well and truly screwed me this time. ‘I’m going to message CGov to ask. Maybe things have changed since then. What have I got to lose by telling them everything?’
‘You can’t do that. They don’t come after andis in the death park. But if you tell them you’re here they will. They’ll wipe you.’
He was right. ‘I could do it anonymously. I did that before, when Mike disappeared. I was trying to find out what happens when one mind in a schizo dies. They’re obliged to reply. Look.’ I sent him the message I’d just received from CGov.
He went silent as he read. His grip on my hand tightened.
‘What is it?’ I asked. ‘What did you see?’
‘Ah … it’s nothing.’ He looked away.
What wasn’t he telling me? I knew Alex. I knew when he was lying. There was something in the message that made things worse. I re-read it.
‘That’s weird,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘The timing of the original post they copied. Look at the date. Just over a year ago. It’s th
e day after we left Montreal. We’d just arrived in New York. I didn’t notice before. That’s really odd.’
‘It’s just a coincidence,’ he said.
‘No, it’s not. That’s what you saw as well, wasn’t it? Why didn’t you want to tell me? None of us could forget that day. The four of us had just had a massive row about what to do with Sierra. You wanted to get CGov to put her away for ever. Mike said three months was long enough. I agreed with you that we should refer it to CGov, to let them decide. But Ben sided with Mike. So we didn’t have the votes to go to CGov, and Sierra ended up in stasis for three months instead.’
I paused, thinking. ‘It must have been one of us who asked the original question about getting rid of a schizo mind. It had to be. Schizos don’t die. No one else would ask that question. That’s why it was so hard to find an answer anywhere. But it was an obvious question for one of us to have asked at the time.’
Alex hesitated. ‘If it was one of us it must have been Sierra. Maybe she wanted to get out. Maybe she was feeling guilty about what she had done to Emily.’
‘Sierra? Guilty? We both know Sierra didn’t do guilt. And it wasn’t me. It wasn’t Mike. He wanted to forgive Sierra. And Ben sided with Mike.’
I looked across at Alex. He still wasn’t meeting my eye. ‘It was you, wasn’t it? You were the one who hated Sierra after Montreal. You wanted to get rid of her. Why didn’t you want me to know it was you? What else aren’t you telling me?’
Why was he lying to me?
‘So what if it was me?’ he said. ‘It was a year ago.’
He was sweating. The hand that I was holding was clammy. What was it that he was hiding from me?
He leaned forward and looked up at me, gripping my hand hard, his eyes imploring. ‘Katie, why does any of this matter? You need to accept that you can’t go back. Is that so bad? I’m sorry for what happened earlier. I realise you’re not ready yet. But if you were back in here,’ he touched his chest, ‘I’d have lost you again. I don’t know if I could bear that. Maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe we were meant to be with one another. Is it so bad you being Kate again?’
‘I’m not Kate, though, am I? I’m fucking Amy Bird in her stupid andi body. Stuck in the death park. I’m never going to be Kate again. Scan me and I’m Amy.’
I stopped. There was a thought niggling at the back of my brain that wouldn’t quite surface. What was it? Something Sierra had said in the storm? No. Something earlier.
What triggered it? ‘Scan me and I’m Amy.’
Then it hit me. No. Everything suddenly made sense. Instinctively, before I could stop myself, I pulled away from Alex. His grip tightened. He wouldn’t let me go. His eyes turned hard. He could see the sudden fear in mine.
He knew.
‘Fuck it. Alex. It was you.’
‘What do you mean?’ He sounded puzzled, but his voice had risen. There was a tremor within it.
‘Stop pretending. It was you all along. Not Sierra. I scan as Amy Bird. But when I was in the medical centre yesterday, when I woke up in this body, you called me Kate. How did you know it was me you rescued from the arena? Why did you even bother to rescue me if you thought I was Bird? You’d have left me to die. You couldn’t have known from scanning me. When the medic gave me the bill it came up as Amy Bird. To anyone who looks, I’m still Bird.’ My mind was racing. It was all falling into place. ‘When I caught up to her in the Guskov’s warehouse I tried to pretend to Sierra that I was Amy. She said that she knew I wasn’t because she had created me. That wasn’t true. Because you knew before then that it was me in Amy’s body. But what Sierra said was half true. Only the person who put me in this body could have known. It was you, Alex!’
He looked away. Saying nothing. But his silence was my answer.
‘Stop lying to me, Alex. It was you, wasn’t it?’
He sighed. Then gave a hollow laugh. ‘Typical Kate, with the impeccable reasoning. Worrying away at a problem until you’ve solved it. That’s why we gave you the puzzle games to play.’ He let go of my hand and pushed his chair back, eyeing me from a distance. His gaze was predatory.
If I was right, I was in danger alone up here with him. He was between me and the door to the stairs. Could I get past him? Even if I could, where would I go? He was stronger and faster than me.
Was I right? He wasn’t denying it. He was just sitting, staring at me. He looked like a dandi stuck in a logic loop.
Eventually he spoke. ‘Fuck. Why did I call you Kate?’ He paused for a long moment. Then breathed out sharply. Finally he spoke again. ‘I … No …’ He paused once more, as though desperately searching for something. ‘No … I just don’t have an answer to that. It was stupid of me. But you were hurt and panicking, and I shouted your name without thinking. Because I love you.’
What?
I looked down at my new body. The slim female with dark hair and blue eyes. ‘Which am I – Kate or Emily? Which of us were you thinking of when you bought this body? Can you even tell the difference any more?’
He looked up. His eyes piercing me. ‘Kate. You’ve always been Kate.’
‘Sierra was right. In Montreal. You weren’t sleeping with Emily, you were sleeping with me.’
‘No,’ he said. ‘Well … yes. In a way. But Emily was different. She wasn’t you. In some ways it wasn’t real.’
‘You’ve been planning this since Montreal, haven’t you? It wasn’t enough for you to put Sierra in rehab for three months. You wanted to get rid of her. That answer you got from CGov told you it could be done. Gods, Alex, it’s a long time to hate.’
‘It’s a long time to love, Kate.’
He sounded like he meant it. But how could he? ‘How could you possibly think you were in love with me? How could you think I was in love with you? We only knew each other for one day.’
‘Don’t you understand?’ he pleaded. ‘You need to listen to me. You need to understand. If you knew why I did this you would realise that we’re meant to be together. One day with you was all it took. The day we met, you were so kind. Sierra was so horrid. I almost walked away then and there, but you were what kept me there. You shared things with me in a way that no one ever had before. You told me things you wouldn’t tell the others. I felt special. You said we were friends. You persuaded me that it would all work out. I didn’t realise then that being with you for the rest of our lives meant never seeing you again.’
I stared across at him. ‘This is madness, Alex. Look what you have done to us – to me. You ripped me out of my body, then pretended it was all Sierra’s fault. You killed Mike and Ben.’ I paused. ‘No, you didn’t. You made me kill Ben. And Sierra. Pretending you were too weak, and putting it all on me. You bastard, Alex. It was you who arranged all this with Guskov from the start, wasn’t it? You committed us to that final game with the horrible doctor ready to kill whoever lost.’
He didn’t reply. I thought back to that day in the canteen, when we were seventeen, when he had first held my hand. When I had tried to comfort him. How had he got things so wrong from that one conversation?
‘Why bother with any of this if Emily was me?’ I asked. ‘If you didn’t even love her?’
‘It’s confusing. I did love her. She loved me. Sierra destroyed that for no reason. She wanted to leave Montreal and Emily stood in her way. It was so petty, and so spiteful. Whatever you say, she was vile. We glossed it over because we didn’t want to face the truth. We stuck her in rehab for three months and that made us feel better. But we all knew that she raped Emily, whatever the law might have said. I couldn’t live with Sierra for another hundred years. She deserved to die.’ He turned to me, his eyes imploring. ‘Please, Kate. You have to understand. It might have started because of Emily. For revenge. But in the end this was all done for love. So that you and I could be together.’
‘We’re not in love. Don’t you get it? You killed Mike and Ben. They’re not coming back.’
‘That was necessary,’ he said coldly. ‘Mike
was always an apologist for Sierra. Whatever she did he had an excuse for her. He always looked down on me as the fat kid. He and Ben were the reason we were stuck with Sierra after Montreal. You and I would have reported Sierra to CGov and had her put away in stasis for ever. But Mike and Ben voted against it. They said three months would change her.’
That wasn’t entirely true. Once I had known how Mike and Ben were voting it didn’t matter what I did, and I hadn’t wanted Alex to be completely on his own. So I’d voted with him. By then it was meaningless.
‘This was all their fault,’ continued Alex. ‘Mike and Ben. If they’d just had the courage to do what was necessary we’d have been rid of Sierra for good. They left me no choice.’
Then I realised the truth about Ben. ‘It didn’t make any difference what we did in that game, did it? You made me think that I had killed Ben, but you and I were always going to live, and Ben was always going to die. If I hadn’t pressed the button, you would have. All the games you made me play. They weren’t about winning time. You were getting off on it. That stupid game show with the intimate questions and us ending up tied together. That pig of a host who felt me up while you just watched and pretended to be outraged. It was all your doing. I was just your puppet. It’s sick.’
‘I wanted to give us the chance to get close. I knew if you spent time with me, even if it was in the games, you would feel something. The death park was my one chance. To get rid of Sierra, and to get close to you. Once I realised you were all determined to come here it seemed too good to be true. I voted against coming to pretend I wasn’t interested – so no one would suspect me.’
‘And the dealer, Karl. You killed him as well. It wasn’t Sierra or Amy Bird.’
‘Did I kill him? He was days away from death. If someone jumps off a building and I shoot him on the way down, did I kill him?’ He shrugged. ‘Karl and his girlfriend were losers.’
‘That didn’t give you the right to kill him,’ I said angrily.
