Except I’ve spent every day since the night I set fire to that kitchen waiting to be somewhere else. Somewhere nowhere near this place.
I shake free of her hands and flee, over the empty places where Willa will never walk again.
“Caroline!”
Aubrey’s voice pulls me to a stop. “What am I supposed to do, Aubrey?”
I’ve asked myself that question so many times it’s lost meaning, but everything feels too big to fix.
She waits, then shrugs. “Hell if I know.”
“What?”
“I never said I had answers, but if things are going to change then someone has to change them, right?”
She takes my silence as agreement and continues, “So, change them. My mom has connections. I know she’d help. I’d help. You could do anything. Something. I’m here, for whatever you need.” Then, softer. “Let me help, Caroline.”
No matter how many miles I run from this place, there will always be a piece of me here. I’m not sure I can live with walking away again — not when it cost me so much the last time. And all the things I’ve learned, they have to be for something. They have to mean something, or everything Willa did was for nothing.
Willa fought. I know that with every version of myself. Even when she knew how it would end, even though life had never been fair. She fought.
She fought because no one else would. Because it’s never the people who reap the benefits who want to change how the world works. She fought because she was Willa, and she could always find the beauty of things, even amid the damage.
Aubrey stares at me, her breaths heavy and expectant.
Willa fought — now it’s my turn.
No more running.
Resources
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
The Trevor Project
1-866-488-7386
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/#tt
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline
1-800-662-HELP (4357)
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-656-4673
https://www.rainn.org/
For information about the damaging effects of conversion therapy and how to support a ban on the practice, visit
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-involved/trevor-advocacy/50-bills-50-states/about-conversion-therapy/
Author's Note
This book will likely always be the hardest one I’ve ever had to write. I knew the end of it as soon as I knew the beginning, and the truth is, I didn’t want to write it. I wanted better for girls like Willa. Girls like Caroline. And all the girls out there who’ve ever felt forgotten, ignored, unseen. But truths don’t disappear just because we refuse to acknowledge them, and as much we need the books that show happily ever afters, we need the books that face the darkness too. I hope I gave a voice to those who rarely get a chance to be heard.
Acknowledgments
There are so many people who helped make this book a reality.
I owe immeasurable thanks to my fabulous agent, Sarah Davies, whose support and unfailing wisdom made this book possible. And to my editor, Kate Egan, whose calm and thoughtful insight brought even greater depth and honesty to the text. I am so incredibly lucky to be surrounded by women with such knowledge, understanding and integrity, without whom this book wouldn’t be what it is today.
Special thanks to the team at KCP Loft, including copy editor Catherine Dorton and cover designer Jennifer Lum.
I have made so many friends in the writing community, and I live in fear of missing someone! But I have to give special thanks to Claribel Ortega, who was with me when this story was just a thought in my head, and who believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Andrea Ortega forever. I love you!
To Sonia Hartl and Annette Christie, my Pitch Wars mentors and forever friends. I’ll be eternally grateful that they chose me to join their family, for their unwavering encouragement and for truly understanding this book in a way I wasn’t sure anyone ever would. It’s also because of them that I’ve gained my extended coven family in Kelsey Rodkey, Auriane Desombre, Rachel Lynn Solomon, Susan Lee and Roselle Lim. I am so fortunate to call these amazingly talented authors my friends, and sharing the good, the bad, and the endless waiting, with their love and humor, makes it all worthwhile.
To my fabulous Pitch Wars Class of 2017. We have such an incredibly special class, and I am still so honored to be part of such a talented and generous group of people. From mutual angst to fierce kettle debates — and maybe even a little vigilante justice — I could not have asked for better classmates. I wish I could name you all, but I do have to give special thanks to my loves Rajani LaRocca and Emily Thiede (maybe I could survive without our group chat, but I wouldn’t want to) and Kylie Schachte, Anna Mercier and Kristin Lambert, all of whom have been a constant source of love and support from the very beginning of this wild ride, and I cannot wait to add many more years of friendship.
So many thanks to Susan Gray Foster, whose brilliant critiques have made me a better writer, and who helped shape the earliest version of this book into something worth sharing. And to every reader who gave helpful notes and encouragement: Hoda Agharazi, Julie Christensen, Amelia Diane Coombs, Rachel Simon and Amy Mills.
I also need to thank my fabulous Class of 2K20 Books friends. I’ve loved watching all of our books debut, and I’m honored to be member of such a fantastic group with such important things to say. I’m going to miss posting FB polls for you all to weigh in on!
And of course, I need to thank my husband and my friends and family, who’ve watched me pursue this impossible dream without ever questioning whether I’d succeed.
And to my reason for everything — my two girls — for bringing me joy every single day.
And lastly, to all my fellow throwaway girls. I love you. I see you. Go out there and move your mountains.
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