Out of the corner of my eye, I can see my mum frozen to the spot, eyes darting between the two of us, trying not to look conspicuous, but with a huge grin on her face. She looks like she wants to clap.
‘Well, sorry for disturbing you. I thought I would pop over. I realize this is very odd timing, but I had some thoughts on the, er –’ he looks at my mum – ‘business plan that I wanted to share with you.’ He makes to disentangle himself from Hugo, who just gets more in the way. ‘I realize it’s an odd time,’ he says again.
I still can’t tell what he’s actually thinking. Is this really why he’s here – to talk business? When we used to study together he would often get inspiration at the weirdest moments, leaving parties to go home and write an essay. But maybe he feels as bad as I do about how odd things are between us? It makes sense. If he’s moving he probably wants to leave with a clean slate.
Mum chimes in, ‘Oh no, it’s wonderful that you’re here. I mean, these thoughts come whenever they come, don’t they? Bea told us you’d been helping her, it’s very kind of you. You two make a good team.’ She winks. I didn’t even know she could wink.
Kill me now.
And it only gets worse. Fred comes to say hello, followed by an unashamedly nosy Anna.
Weirdly manly and pretty awkward greetings happen, which prove to be extremely hard to pull off in the tight space provided by the entryway. Fred isn’t exactly small, but Peter’s limbs really are very long.
It’s too much for me to handle and I feel the need for some space.
‘Why don’t we move into the house and out of the hallway.’ Finally I’ve found some words.
‘Great idea. Peter, would you like some tea? Or wine? Either way, let’s go to the kitchen.’ Mum starts to direct us down the hallway.
‘Tea would be great. Thank you.’
Once in the kitchen, I wonder if I made the right choice. The kitchen is bigger and has brighter lights, meaning everyone is suddenly more visible. I imagine my emotions are written all over my still very red and now very visible face. I wish they weren’t.
The five minutes it takes to make the tea is the longest year of my life. For once, Peter looks a bit unsure about what to do; he’s not meeting anyone’s eye. In a weird way, it gives me confidence.
‘Well, erm, I don’t want to bore everyone with my thoughts. Bea, shall you and I take this into the … a different room?’
‘Sure.’
We leave and Mum calls after us, ‘Let me know if you need any cookies. I have plenty.’ Strange, considering she previously told me they were reserved for tomorrow’s afternoon tea.
‘Thanks, Mum.’ This might be the first time I’ve ever felt too sick for baked goods.
CHAPTER 46
We head for the Cave, a tiny cosy room that’s mainly used for storage. But it’s also the only room that isn’t full of my family and isn’t a bedroom. The light takes a while to warm up and Peter still isn’t meeting my eyes. This might be the longest we’ve stood in silence for.
I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever felt so nervous. ‘Butterflies’ is a terrible term for what I’m experiencing. Butterflies conjure up images of sunshine and flowers. What I’m feeling is more like rough seas and battering winds.
I’m not sure I trust myself to deliver the two-point speech. My words will definitely get mixed up if I start talking now. Silence it is.
Finally he looks up, and he does that silly little smile of his.
‘Peter, I need to tell you something.’
Fuck. The words came out and I wasn’t really wanting them to, but I needed to do something.
And I should keep speaking. Peter is looking at me. Waiting for me.
But now, of course, my words aren’t coming.
What is wrong with me? When I want to talk I can’t, but when I don’t want to talk I do.
I take a deep breath.
‘I know you’re going to Australia, and I don’t want you not to go, but I don’t want you to go without me telling you something. I can’t leave anything unsaid, and I don’t want you to leave with this weird silence between us.’
He makes a noise and I stop him from talking with the universal hand gesture that says ‘I’m not done’.
‘I have two key points to tell you.’ But now I can’t remember them. I just know I had them. I’ve started pacing back and forth like I’m trying to get my daily step count in. ‘I went to your house earlier this evening. Well, not your house, your parents’ house.’ Why is the ownership of the house so important? This isn’t one of my points. ‘In case your mum mentions it.’
‘I went to Tilly’s wedding.’
I stop and turn to face him.
‘You went to Tilly’s wedding? Why?’
‘To speak to you.’ He’s so still that I start pacing again. ‘Why did you go to my house?’
Yes, Bea, why? Why did you go to his house? Tell him. Just tell him. And for goodness’ sake, stop sweating.
I hang my head. ‘Ugh, I wish I’d kept the dress on.’ The dress would have given me confidence.
‘What?’
‘Never mind.’
Poor Peter is looking so confused.
‘Peter, I’m so sorry. The last time I saw you, well, in truth it wasn’t the last last time I saw you, but when I came over to your flat after Tilly’s hen party, I shouldn’t have. I acted like a total fool and guilted you into having sex with me. I’m so sorry. That is not at all how I wanted sex between us to go down. It’s not how I wanted anything between us to go down.’
He doesn’t look any less confused.
‘So, yes,’ I breathe, ‘I’m sorry about the sex. Well, actually I’m not sorry that we had sex, but you pushed me away and I should have left it at that. I’m also sorry that I brought over the burritos.’ That was an unnecessary addition to the apology – why did I say that? ‘Basically, the first thing I need you to know is that – I am not a perfect person. I can be grumpy and quiet. I can be sad and moody. I don’t do the things that I should do. And the things I do, I tend to do quite badly, which is not my intention, it just comes naturally. And I’m sorry if any of my recent actions have hurt you.’
‘Are you done?’
‘No.’ This is going very badly. I look at him. I really do like him. Seeing his face makes me happy. ‘Well, point two is … I like you, and I wanted you to know. You don’t need to say anything.’ I really hope he says something. ‘So if things have been weird between us, and they have, it’s because, well, I like you, and I didn’t know how to tell you. So instead I slept with you, and then avoided you, which only made it worse.’ I finally stop pacing.
‘Are you done now?’
‘Yes.’ I shake my head and then realize that’s the wrong gesture. I nod once.
And then I point my finger into the air.
‘Oh actually, no, I have one more thing!’ I realize my hand is still up, so I slowly put it down. ‘I, erm, I realize that this is a lot. And I’ve also kind of taken your recent silence and general avoidance of me as a sign that you probably don’t know what to say, or don’t want to hurt my feelings. And that’s totally fine. Like I said, you don’t need to say anything. But I wanted you to know how I felt. There is no pressure for you to feel the same. You do you.’
‘Right.’ His hands are on his hips. Like an off-duty superhero. ‘So I think I should clarify some points.’ He’s using a business-like tone. I wonder what that means. I don’t think it can mean anything good.
I wish he’d say nothing and leave, rather than tell me he wants to stay friends.
‘Firstly, I’m not going to Australia. I turned it down. Al’s going instead.’
Fuck bloody balls. This is going to make hiding a lot harder.
‘Secondly, I wasn’t avoiding you. Well, I was to start with because I didn’t know what to say. And then I was accidentally avoiding you because I had to go to Australia to smooth over the fact I was no longer going to Australia. It was very last-minute and I forgot
my phone and it was an extremely busy couple of weeks. For that I apologize, but what I have to say I need to say in person anyway. And then when I got back I tried to get hold of you. I’ve been going round to your apartment so much that the old lady next door threatened to call the police if I came by again. I came to your work, I even tried to hunt you down at a Christmas fair, but you weren’t there either.’
‘I was actually.’
‘You were?’
‘I was dressed up as Rudolph. I think I speared you with an antler.’
‘Why didn’t you say hello?’
So many reasons.
I shrug. ‘I couldn’t talk, I could barely even move.’
‘I suppose it did look quite cumbersome.’ He smiles faintly, but it fades really quickly.
‘Bea, we didn’t have sex that night at mine.’
What? Thank God. I think?
‘I didn’t want to sleep with you, I’m not really into taking advantage of inebriated women. You passed out as soon as you lay down in bed, and then you snored all night. It was helpful to know that you were still breathing, but we’ll need to talk about the snoring.’
I snored? I blame the tequila. Oh God, he didn’t want to sleep with me?
I can’t help but interrupt him. ‘So, that night … I know you pushed me away, but would you ever want to have sex with me?’ He is so silent and so still. I really wish I’d made a joke instead.
His face takes on a serious edge. He shifts a bit in his stance, and starts talking really slowly, pronouncing each word very carefully.
‘Bea, that night, yes, I pushed you away because I didn’t want to have sex with you.’
Oh.
‘So you don’t want to have sex with me?’
‘Bea, please, shut up.’ I close my mouth and wait. ‘I do want to have sex with you, but I didn’t want to have sex with you that night. I have wanted to have sex with you for years. I wasn’t going to waste our first time on a drunken fumble. I have plans. I am a man and I have plans, Bea.’
This makes me blush.
‘I was so happy to wake up next to you that Sunday morning. I was so happy until I came back with breakfast only to see that you’d run away. Bea, you have to stop running away.’
He steps towards me. Part of me really wants to run.
‘Bea, you have to know that all I have ever wanted is to be in your life. It’s up to you to decide how much. But for the record, I want it all.
‘I want to wake up next to you after you’ve been snoring all night. I want to eat bread that’s gone stale because you haven’t resealed it properly. I want to buy flat-pack furniture and let you build it. I want to get lost trying to follow your thought processes. I want to have fights with you. I want to have make-up sex with you. I want to make a family with you – dogs or children, or both. Whatever you want. I just want you.’
I might be smiling but I’m so numb I really can’t tell.
‘It’s up to you. It always has been. I’ll always be here for you because I love you.’
That is a horrible decision on his part.
And I have never been so happy.
I find myself tentatively reaching for him until we’re close enough that I swear I can feel his body against mine, even though I know we’re not actually touching.
And just like when my words have a habit of failing me right when I need them most, I freeze when I should really keep moving.
But in the end, it doesn’t matter because Peter keeps moving.
He moves one hand to my waist, and one hand to my cheek.
He moves me gently, but firmly, towards him.
And finally, finally, he leans down to kiss me.
I am vaguely aware of meeting him halfway, but I’m mainly aware that the kiss is (eyebrows raised) good.
I smile at my own stupid internal thoughts and accidentally break the kiss sooner than I would have liked.
‘Bea? Everything all right?’
‘You know I’m probably going to fuck this up, don’t you?’
He nods. ‘Yes.’
OK.
Acknowledgements
This book might have my name on the front cover, but a whole bunch of other names deserve to be there. However, that would mess up the beautiful design, so instead I will thank you here …
My very first thank-you goes to Rebecca Ritchie (Becky! Holly!) at AM Heath. No words do justice to how grateful I am that you decided to take me on and put up with my emails and animal-print clothing. Thank you so much for believing in me and always being a positive force. And really, really thank you for only making me climb that staircase once.
To the whole team at Transworld – it is an absolute dream come true to work with such a dedicated, passionate and skilled group of people. When this book was a tiny seedling of a thought, I secretly wished you guys would pick it up. And then you did! I am so glad that nobody was around to see that particular happy dance, but thank you for making this very dear wish come true. To Darcy, my original editor and burrata-eating-enabler, who gave me some very key pointers (‘Does Bea have to wear onesies quite so much?’); I really hope your leaving had nothing to do with me . To Molly, who valiantly took up the cause after Darcy left (for reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with me, I’m sure), thank you for being such a supporter of Bea and I am so grateful that you like my lists! To Frankie, I knew that one day our paths would cross again – to this day you are still my favourite desk buddy. Thanks also to (deep inhale of breath): Larry, Judith, Josh, Holly, Katie, Hayley, Hannah, Deidre and Jo! I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
Of course, this book would be nowhere without my friends – you guys rock. I can’t list you all, but all of you give me joy and happiness (and in some cases inspiration). A few special mentions …
Emily, Anna and Lucy – what an absolute bunch of dudes; let’s keep laughing together. A special mention needs to go to Anna who read an early version, told me it wasn’t totally terrible and gave me that much needed vote of confidence to keep going. Emilia and Rahul, what great bunnies you are!! Shout-outs also go to: Natalie for my pink hair and the dinner – it’s a cooking show too; Hester and Fole; Nikki – thank goodness we reconnected, please thank your mum for me; Marloes for the Dutch name; Emily for the notes on the visual diary; Chris and Saoirse for some of your more awkward soundbites; Jamie for keeping Gill sane and supporting my crafting obsessions; Hannah, Flo, Gill and Rosie for the safe space; Paige for frequently over-sharing and being the inspiration for Penny (everyone needs a Penny) – I so hope that next year is your year. Thanks also to my American contingent, in particular the Barbarias, the Knotts, the Burleighs and the Franklins. Some wider family members also deserve a shout-out; the Clarkes who all amaze me with their enjoyment of life and never seem to mind when I invite myself along to their family gatherings; and a special mention to Kate McCulloch (who actually married IN to the madness) for being an early reader and title-thinker-upperer, whose only fault is getting too invested in the characters.
Of course, I owe a huge thank-you to my family, who have always been my loudest and most embarrassing supporters. James – thank you for always having my back; Juliet – thank you for showing me that it’s OK to have my own voice; DB – thank you for being a great landlord and providing me with protein-rich meals, wine and hugs when I needed them most; Dad – thank you for providing a safety net, without which I wouldn’t have had the courage to jump. I am also super lucky because James and Juliet massively married up. Alisa, thank you for being you and for being just as weird as I am (that’s meant to be a compliment). Tom, thank you for introducing us to the most violent and competitive card game in existence. And to my amazing nieces and nephews – Lleyton, Caleigh, Rosie and Charlie – your smiling faces make my heart sing. I love you guys a huge amount and am so excited that I get to witness your awesomeness.
But alas, the biggest thank-you of them all has to go to my amazing mum. Gilly, you have given me so much – friendship, laughs, sup
port (emotional, physical and gastronomical), in good times, but more importantly also in the bad. I wouldn’t have half as many laugh lines on my face if it wasn’t for you. So thanks, I guess?? You are always there for me, and it is because of this that I have been able to fulfil so many of my dreams – thank you so very much. I love you mostly.
And last but definitely not least – the most magical thank-you goes to my readers! (Although, as I write this, the book hasn’t actually been published yet, so I guess I might have already thanked ‘all’ my readers already, i.e. my family and close friends … but if there are more of you …) I am genuinely chuffed that anyone could possibly be interested in reading anything I have to say – it absolutely boggles my mind and I am so touched that you would take time out of your busy lives to read the words I have strung together! I really hope that in return for your time I have at least given you some laughs.
THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING
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Transworld is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com.
First published in Great Britain in 2020 by Corgi Books
an imprint of Transworld Publishers
Copyright © Holly McCulloch 2020
Cover design and illustration by www.headdesign.co.uk
Just Friends Page 22
