by Noelle Adams
He does. I watch him go.
And if I’m left a trembling mess of desire and pleasure and excitement and absolute fear, there’s nothing I can do about that.
FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, I see Max only briefly on my way home on Tuesday nights, and we correspond only by email. There are a lot of messages. More than is strictly necessary. Mostly short, light, and in a dry, teasing tone. I enjoy them. They keep me excited.
And I think about Max a lot more than is warranted by the nature of our relationship.
I’ve done this before. Gotten excited about a man way too early. With no foundation for the feelings. My response to him might be stronger than any other guy in my life, but it’s equally without foundation.
I don’t even know him. He’s twelve years older than me and in an entirely different position in life. He’s obviously attracted to me, but that doesn’t mean anything significant. People are attracted to other people all the time. It doesn’t mean anything but that we like how each other looks.
I shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t be feeling like something really good is about to happen.
The only good thing I want to happen is to get my life the way I want it.
I don’t lose focus on my priority, so that’s something. I work hard on my graduate class. I make an effort to hang out with new people. I make friends with a young woman named May who works in Student Affairs, and I’m surprised by how well we get along. I start looking around at houses, although it’s too early to do much in that direction since my lease doesn’t end until July. I’m not in the financial position to buy a house yet, and most of the rentals in town open up after graduation in May. So that’s when I’ll really concentrate on finding a cute little house to rent.
Other than my emotional uproar about Max, I’m feeling pretty good about my life’s progress, and I’ve almost talked myself into believing I have my feelings for him under control on the Wednesday a month after I met him. I’ve spent the day overseeing the installation of the exhibit by our facilities crew—as close as possible to Max’s instructions—and he’s coming over at four for a walk-through and any final changes.
The exhibit opening is Friday, and that’s when our work on this project will be done.
I’m trying hard not to see that as significant.
I’m standing in the new exhibit wing of the library, admiring the results of the library renovations, Max’s and my planning, and the artwork by Max’s students when a voice comes from behind me. “It looks great.”
I jump in surprise, although I know exactly who it is.
I turn to see Max in a dark gray suit and hair slightly ruffled by the wind.
“You’re wearing a suit.” It’s a brilliant greeting, of course, but it’s all that comes to mind to say.
He chuckles. “Well spotted.”
I give him an impatient eye roll. “You don’t normally wear suits.”
“I know. I had a presentation in Danville earlier today—trying to get a big job. So I thought I’d try to look decent.”
“Oh really? How did it go?”
“Good. I think they liked me. I’m hoping I’ll get the job.”
I start to ask him more about the job since I’m generally curious and excited for him, but I stop myself since I’ve resolved to avoid a lot of personal talk so I can keep things in perspective with him. “That’s good. You want to look through what we’ve done here?”
Taking the cue from me, he focuses on the exhibit. We walk through it together, and he seems pleased with the displays of the paintings and corresponding books. He wants to change the lighting in one corner, and he asks if we can swap the placement of two of the paintings because the colors would look better that way. But otherwise he seems very happy and doesn’t have any complaints.
It makes me happy too. That he’s pleased with what we’ve done.
“What do you think?” he asks when we finish the walk-through.
I smile up at him. “I think it’s amazing. Beautiful. The students did really good work.”
“So did you.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“Yes, you did. We couldn’t have done this without you.”
“Oh. Okay then.” I feel like I’m swaying toward him, but there’s no way I can help it. I reach up and touch one of the lapels of his suit jacket. It’s soft, and his chest is hard beneath it.
He leans forward, his eyes heating up. Then he stops and takes a deliberate step back.
He almost kissed me. I’m sure of it. My heart leaps and then starts to flutter wildly. I twist my hands together and stare at the floor, trying to control my jitters.
“The opening is Friday,” he says, some sort of husky promise in his tone.
I gulp. “I know. They’ve been advertising it a lot on campus, so I think we should have a good turnout. My friend Evan is an English professor, and he’s giving a little extra credit to his sophomore literature students who attend.”
I’m surprised when Max’s thick eyebrows pull together in a frown. “Your friend Evan? Why haven’t I heard about him before?”
I stare up at him in confusion. Call me clueless, but I have no idea what he’s asking.
“How good a friend is he?” Max adds.
Insight rushes over me in a hot wave. I drop my eyelashes and giggle stupidly. “He’s a friend. He’s engaged to one of my best friends.”
“Ah. That’s okay then.”
“You’re ridiculous. You know that, don’t you?”
“What’s ridiculous about it? I’ve been waiting for weeks now for this project to be over, and I don’t want you snatched up by some English professor before I have my chance.”
“Your... your chance?”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“Y-yeah, but I didn’t think... I mean, I never said I wanted to...”
Max takes a step forward and reaches up to cup my cheek with his big, warm hand for just a couple of seconds before he drops it. He meets my eyes and says in a soft, urgent tone, “I know you haven’t said anything. I’m not assuming anything. I just want a chance.”
My breath is shaky, but I make myself tell him the truth because I genuinely like this man and I don’t want to hurt him in any way. I can’t believe he’s interested in me, but there’s no way I can question that he is. “Honestly, Max, I’m confused. I’ve been taking a break from dating until I can get my life the way I want it, and I’m afraid the beginnings of... of whatever this is between us is going to make things too complicated for me. I don’t think I’m ready for anything... anything serious.”
There. I got it said. And I don’t think it sounded too silly or immature.
His expression quiets down, if that’s possible. His tone is gentle as he responds. “I understand that. I’ve got a little girl, and she’ll always be the most important thing to me. I’m not expecting anything deep or serious or complicated. I’m not sure either of us is in the place in our lives to deal with that. I was thinking of something... simpler.”
I lick my lips. “Simpler?”
“Simpler. Easier. I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you walking by my classroom, Katrina. I had several very uncomfortable weeks as I was worried you might be a student who looks older than you are. Let me tell you, I’ve never before felt like a sleazy old man, but I sure felt like one then. Thank God you weren’t a student.”
Something hits me then. “That’s what you were talking about when we first met, when you said I wasn’t a student.”
Laughter alights in his eyes. “Yes. That was it exactly. It was an intense relief that I’m not a sleazy old man after all. You’re younger than me, but you’re obviously a mature grown-up, and at that point I don’t get hung up on ages. Am I too old for you?”
I shake my head. He’s not too old for me. He feels exactly the right age. Full and mature and experienced and established.
“Okay then. So what I’m thinking about isn’t deep and complicated. It’s just
acting on this heat between us. I know you feel it too.”
I do. No way to deny it. “So you’re thinking just... just... sex?”
I can’t believe I just asked a man that, but I’m not even very embarrassed.
“Yes. Well, sex and conversation and maybe some meals now and then. But I’m limited in my availability because I’m with my daughter in the evenings. But I have every other weekend when she’s visiting her mom.”
“That... that... sounds...” I almost say perfect, but it reveals too much, and I’m not sure I’m ready to lay out all of myself in front of this man. Not right now. Now when this is happening so fast. Just this morning, I was worried about putting a halt on a relationship I’m not ready for, and here he is offering me exactly what I want.
A way to act on this attraction without it taking away from what’s most important to me.
His mouth quirks up as he studies my face. “Think about it. We have until Friday to wait anyway. Then we’ll see.”
I drop my eyes. “Then we’ll see.”
Martha comes over just then in her old-fashioned suit and smiling courteously, so that’s definitely the end of that particular conversation.
I STAY LATE THAT EVENING since Max has invited his students to come in and check out the exhibit and offer any suggestions for changes they want to see.
A couple of them are unreasonably picky, but Max keeps them under control, and most of them seem as happy with the result as Max and I have been.
It’s almost six in the evening when I go to my office to shut down my computer and get my purse. I’m leaving the library when I discover that Max is waiting for me on the front steps.
“I guess you need to go pick up your daughter,” I tell him with a smile.
“She’s at home, but yes, she’s waiting. Otherwise, I’d ask you to dinner.”
“You don’t need to ask me to dinner. I understand what you were offering earlier, and honestly that sounds a lot better to me.”
“So you don’t want to have dinner with me?” He slants me a teasing look.
“You know what I mean. You don’t need to jump through a lot of hoops. Obviously there’s something between us, and I wouldn’t be opposed to... to exploring it as long as we keep it simple. I don’t need dates.”
For just a moment I see something flicker in his expression. I don’t know what it is exactly, but the feeling I get is reluctance. Like something I’ve said isn’t what he wants. But before I can get worried about it, he’s smiling in his leisurely way again and I decide I imagined it. “Got it. No dates. Just simple.”
I nod. “But I’m not saying anything definitive. We have until Friday.”
“Right. We’ll see what happens on Friday then. But whatever it is will be nothing but simple.”
I smile at him, and he smiles back, and I’m not going to let myself worry about that strange flicker I saw in his expression.
He’s been open and honest with me from the beginning. If there’s something he’s hiding from me, it won’t have anything to do with the attraction between us.
Attraction is just attraction.
Sex is just sex.
Surely I’m allowed to enjoy that for a little while without it getting in the way of what I want to do with my life.
Four
ON FRIDAY, I GO HOME after work to shower and put on nice clothes for the exhibit opening reception, which starts at seven o’clock.
It’s not a particularly formal event. Men may or may not be wearing suits, and women will probably range from jeans to cocktail dresses. No event on Milford College campus is genuinely formal. You can count on at least a few people wearing jeans to everything. But I worked on this exhibit, and I want to look nice, so I change into a black pencil skirt and a pretty silk top with my best heels.
It’s an outfit that would be work appropriate, so I don’t feel overdressed, but I think I look pretty and elegant, and this is confirmed when I arrive at the library at around six thirty and everyone I see tells me how nice I look.
I’m excited. Not just about the exhibit opening.
I’m excited about seeing Max.
I’m excited about what might happen later this evening.
I’m very excited.
I shaved and everything in the shower... just in case.
I’m helping Martha put the last touches on the refreshment table when Beck and her fiancé, Evan, arrive. She’s wearing a pretty bohemian dress, and he’s in a suit, but he always wears a suit, so that’s not unusual.
“This looks fantastic, Katrina,” Beck says with a vivid smile as she looks around. “You did an amazing job.”
“I did very little of it. I just found the books the art students wanted.”
“I know you did more than that. I saw you working in here all day on Wednesday. Is Max here yet?”
“I haven’t seen him yet.” I try to sound nonchalant, but she must see a flicker of expression on my face.
She gives Evan a little push. “Go talk to Martha for a while. She’s a big Flannery O’Connor fan.”
He laughs but follows her directions. As soon as he’s out of earshot, Beck takes me by the arm, pulls me closer, and whispers, “Now tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing’s going on!” I’m trying for amused innocence.
Beck is having none of it. “Don’t give me that. I saw you talking to him on Wednesday, and I swear there were flames flickering between the two of you. Are you going out with him?”
“No! I promise I’m not. I told you I’m taking a break from dating.”
“Please don’t say you’ve said no to that gorgeous, charming man because you think you need a break from dating.”
“I do need a break. And he hasn’t asked me on a date.”
“Well, he’s going to. Maybe he’s just waiting until this exhibit thing is over.”
“No, he’s not. We’ve already talked about it.” I should probably be more discreet, but this is Beck, and she’s a really good friend.
“What have you talked about?”
“He’s got a little girl, and she’s the most important thing to him, and I’m not in a good place for a relationship right now. So if anything happens between us, it won’t be... be...” I have to search for a good word. “Serious.”
Beck’s big blue eyes get wide, and she raises a hand to cover her smile. “Oh! I see.”
“But I don’t know if even that will happen. I... I’m not used to this kind of thing.”
“What kind of thing? You’ve gone out on several dates this past year since you broke up with your old boyfriend.”
“I know. That’s not what I mean. I mean I’m not used to this kind of... animal attraction.” I snicker. How can I not? I can’t believe I’m saying this. I can’t believe I’m feeling it.
Beck giggles too. “It is pretty exciting. I never had it happen like magic like that. I thought Evan was cute from the very beginning, but I also thought I didn’t like him. It was a while before things really heated up between us. But with you, it’s like it just...”
“Combusted,” I finish for her. “That’s exactly what it feels like. It’s kind of scary. But surely something that gets going so quickly is going to burn out just as fast. That’s the only reason I’m considering it. I don’t want to miss out on something really fun and exciting as long as it’s not going to overly complicate my life.”
“Sometimes complicated isn’t a bad thing,” Beck says. She’s the kind of person you know really listens when you talk. I always feel understood when I tell her things. “Things got complicated with Evan, and that’s when they got really good.”
“I know. But I don’t think that’s what’s in store for me. Not with Max anyway. I’m just tired of trying to resist this attraction, and if we both agree it’s just simple, then why should I keep resisting?”
“I can’t think of a single reason—unless you’re secretly hoping for more. If that’s the case, you might end up getting hurt.”
&nb
sp; “I’m not hoping for more. I promise I’m not. I’ve already done the serious relationship thing. I don’t want to do it again until I’m really ready. And I’m not right now. I’ll know when I am. All I want is sex.” I say the last sentence in a hushed murmur.
Beck laughs. “I’m all for it then.” Her eyes move over my shoulder. She’s not the kind of person who scans the room while she’s talking to someone, as if she’s searching for someone better to talk to, so I know she must see something particular. “He’s here. He’s looking at you.”
I turn to see. I don’t know anyone who could have resisted the urge.
He looks ludicrously sexy in a black suit and silver tie. He smiles at me—that slow, secret smile.
I flush. Not just my cheeks but all the way down my neck. I smile back and give him what I hope is a casual wave before I turn to Beck.
Her expression is definitely laughing at me.
“Don’t say it,” I warn her.
“I’m not saying a word. But seriously, are you sure he doesn’t want anything more? He looks pretty smitten to me.”
“Oh my God! Don’t be silly. There’s nothing smitten about him, and he told me straight out that he can’t do anything serious.”
“Okay. I won’t tease you. You better go talk to him. He’s obviously waiting for you. I’ll catch you later.”
I say bye to Beck and turn back toward Max. She was right. He’s standing on his own, clearly waiting for me.
I experience a warm wave of... something. More than desire. Akin to appreciation. It’s something like possession, and it startles me so much I trip on my feet as I’m walking over.
Fortunately, I catch myself, but it’s not the most dignified of advances.
He’s grinning when I reach him. “You shouldn’t wear such high heels if you’re going to trip on them.”
I frown. “I didn’t trip on my shoes. I tripped on the carpet.”
“Ah. Is that what it was?”
“Yes. It was. And you’re being particularly obnoxious this evening.”
